Text T how I feel...

I'm not sure it's necessary to categorize the behavior....but the real question you need to answer honestly for yourself is - are the sui thoughts being triggered because you want to find some way to have your T communicate with you right now? Creating a reason for the loophole?

No. I have been having the sui thoughts for several weeks now and we talked about it in my session a few weeks ago.

So, it's not something that just came up now - but it's helping you to want to negate the boundary that was set. Can you look inside yourself to see if there's anything there worth exploring?

I know that there have been times when I've just had a longing to make contact with my T, and I would come up with some reason to email him just so I could get a few reassuring words from him or just to make some kind of connection. I'm just wondering if that may be playing a role here.

As far as the sui thoughts, I'm sorry that you're enduring that right now. I've been in that place before, and I recall feeling so out of sorts, so down on life, so hopeless, empty and lifeless. It felt impossible to ever imagine getting out of that deep dark hole. One thing my T has always encouraged - when I'm at that awful place - is to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING....if it's something enjoyable, great! If not, then at least it distracted me for a little while, so that I didn't fall deeper into that hole.

But I am allowed to text her anytime if it is something positive so I really don't think it is about trying to get contact with my T. I don't think anyway...

Awe, Thanks.

ITs not always what we say, its HOW we say it. And I really think, there is a more positive way to have "tough love," without it including cursing or invalidating/discouraging you when you are already, clearly upset. Tough love isn't the problem.... Its not what we say, its HOW we say it.

Thanks Jazzy, that is so true.

Feeling so low right now and can't sleep. After 2am here now. Considering calling a crisis line...

Hang in there Cats! IMO you deserve much better! If you need to call a crisis line, by all means do. Make sure you take care of YOU!

After 3am now. Still no sleep. Still haven't called a crisis line. I'm afraid that if I do and am honest with them they will call the police and have them take me to emerg and admit me to the psych ward. Really not wanting to go there again. I gave up on T texting me back tonight, Just as well since she never did...

What do you need right now, Cats?

I need the voices to go away, I need to stop coming up with new ways to SI. I need a supportive text from my T, I need to feel like I have something that I can look forward to in life, I need to feel validated, I need to not hate myself, I need to stop the fu--ing victim sh--. Should I go on??

I need a smoke too. I will be back in a bit.

well, you know your voices and thoughts are not you, right?

Something to look forward to... you also need to find yourself and as your T indicated... you are capable of doing so, even if it feel impossible at the moment...

In all of that, what do you have the power to change right now?

The voices, all can you do in this moment is ground yourself and focus on your own thought/voice. Play music, watch TV, a movie, etc and remind yourself you are in control.

You can stop coming up with new ways to SI. Force yourself to look up 100 ways to self soothe, and make a list of those that you like and can use.

I'm assuming T will not be texting, though we may be in different time zones. So maybe write down the text you would hope T would send you in this moment which is to be written kindly and supportive.

Come up with a life plan. What do you want a year from now? That will give you some direction, and then come up with HOW to do that. That will give you what to look forward to.

Validated? That this sucks right now? It does. Validated that you are a strong, competent, hard working person? You are. Have you been a victim? Yes. Does that mean you are one or need to be one today, no. You can choose to do something different today.

Now... My strong encouragement is (as to it is to my clients) when you ask for help, you have to be willing to receive it and do what has been offered. Whether that's what I have said or a crisis line, or whoever. You have to be willing to do what is stated without saying "Yes but..." and then not follow through. Please try these things and utilize some self care.

Thanks Stormyangels. You have given a lot of good advice. I am asking for help and I am willing to try some of the things you suggested. I think I'll start with the smaller ones like not creating more ways to SI and to make a list of things I would like my T to say to me in her caring voice, not the stern one. The life list I will save for last. I wonder if sleep would be helpful as well? You are right the voices aren't going anywhere anytime soon without any seroquel or something -which I am being denied. My biggest fear is ending up in the psych ward again...

Stormyangels, are you a Pdoc or a T? or both?

Sleep is vital. Without sleep, our coping skills cannot be used to their maximum potential. No one functions well without sleep. Add stress, voices, etc, on top of it and it's no wonder you feel out of sorts. If you can sleep, do that first... If you can't, seek out what things would be soothing and healthy for you and may help you go to sleep. Get some rest, then re-evaluate how you feel.

I am a master's level therapist.

Thanks Stormyangels, I really appreciate you being so kind to me and giving me so much advice tonight. It's after 4am now. Maybe I will be able to sleep. If not just lying in bed might help a bit. Atleast with the voices I know that I sure won't be bored lying there by myself...

I'm glad I could be supportive. Off to start the day. Good luck to you!

Thank you. I am hoping to do this: I will be back after some sleep.

Hey hun,

I have to agree with all of those who feel the way you were spoken to is nothing short of abusive and it is not ok by any standard.
It really sounds like boundaries are being road over between you both. I don't think it's healthy that there is so much text conversation going on between you both - I know you dont want to hear that though. It sounds like she has not been giving herself time off work at all as she is allowing clients to contact her so much to all hours of the night. This has probably lead to a level of frustration which she is wrongly taking out on clients like yourself. It sounds like she tried to put a boundary in place by saying that she wouldn't respond to contact on the weekend and that she would not respond on the day she seen you and she is most likely holding onto that at the moment and is not reacting to your texts as a way of holding that boundary, not because she is mad at you. I know when you asked her if you could text when you felt like Self harming she said yes and that you feel sui should also be included in that but because she is not your only resource she possibly has instead decided that it was best not to reply at all this time or at least until monday.

I think your relationship with her would improve if contact between you via text or phone was reduced somewhat but I know that though it scary.

Thanks Dizgirl. you are probably right...

Well I made it through last night. I got a bit of sleep. Still no reply. I sent her another text (I don't know why) saying that I had a really hard night but I got through it. She probably won't reply to that either. Thinking of cancelling both my appointments this week...

Bet you don't