The only day I can see T is on Friday, because I have two young children at home and Friday is the day my H works from home. T has late hours on Monday and Tuesday, but my oldest son has baseball on Monday and Tuesday until 9 or so. T hasn't been very available on Fridays, so my H has been taking Thursday mornings off so I can go. Today, my H told me he can't do that anymore.

October is a super tricky month for me. It's been the month when I've almost been hospitalized, when I spiral into a bad place, the month I started therapy 4 years ago. Just bad. Last October, I worked VERY VERY HARD to do a lot of healing, and this October really does feel better. Less triggery in general, which is amazing and so wonderful. AND there is still this underlying fear that I can't quite shake.

My dog is sick, we are in the middle of the hardest stuff, it's October...I NEED therapy. I do. And the financial stuff looked like it was going to make it impossible, but now I think T and I can work it out.

BUT this October, T is only available one out of the four Fridays. So, I had to cancel my appointment for this week And I'll see him next Friday and then it's two more weeks without T.

I know for some people that's no big deal, but it is a big deal for me. T is my stability. I feel like I'm losing the thing that keeps me stable and okay.

I am completely overwhelmed. I have to leave here at 4:30 to take my oldest son to baseball, and I am sitting here surrounded by groceries I haven't put away yet (including refrigerated/frozen stuff) my camping laundry is insane and I'm in the middle of that, I'm not done with my boys' school for the day, and I'm just paralyzed. I'm too overwhelmed to function. I keep thinking that i need to do the next right thing, but it's like i can't move. I feel like I weigh 5489505 pounds. I am sad. And scared.

I left a message for T canceling Thursday and I asked if he can call so we can see if there is ANYTHING else we can work out. One of T's biggest boundaries is his work hours. I know he won't add an hour at the end of the day or whatever to squeeze me in, and that's fine, really. I understand that it's a boundary, and I completely respect that.

But damn, I feel so lost and overwhelmed and paralyzed. I'm not sure what to do. I can't just sit here surrounded by my groceries forever. Help.

[rainbow_rose]

Oh, treehouse. I so understand that overwhelmed feeling when things are happening all at once. lot of safe hugs.

I'm sorry. I can so relate. I only get to see my therapist 3 times a month and it isn't enough.

Is there a reason why your husband can't take your son to baseball on Mon. or Tues. so you can make a late appointment with your T?

[likewater]

What about getting back regular appt and finding babysitter for kids? Really sorry you are going through this.

[mcl6136]

I am so sorry that you are in this overwhelmed state. If it were me, I would be a BIG BIT overwhelmed. Can you reach out for more help from someone close....to help with the schedule? Friends? Husband to do a little more? I know $ are a concern for you as well as the rest of us! I just think if T is your stability, then others want you to be feeling solid and they may be enlisted? ....I'm pulling for you during this time..you have a lot happening...

[rainbow8]

tree, I'm sorry you're so overwhelmed right now, and I remember how hard last October was for you. It's progress that you're not feeling as bad about the month.

Like someone else suggested, my first thought is getting a baby-sitter. I know kids aren't available in the daytime, but is there a friend or retired person you know who could watch your kids for an hour? When my daughter was a baby, I brought her to a friend's house when I had my sessions.

I know you will work it out somehow!

[sittingatwatersedge]

how about one of your homeschool mothers? could one of them help out for one afternoon or evening?

My appointment is at 8:30, and I don't know if I can get someone to watch my kids that early My kids have activities in the afternoon.

And H doesn't do baseball. It's like a couples therapy type issue (and no we're not in couples therapy). It's one of the difficulties in my marriage...I do all the kids activities. Right now he has to take a kid to one 30 minute activity a week and it is the hugest issue every week (and it's only until the end of October). If he has to do baseball, my son would have to quit baseball, and he's really amazingly good - hopefully he will be able to get a scholarship. Baseball is the most important thing to him.

Plus. There is my stupid issue with asking for help. I am really really really uncomfortable asking for help. Which is my issue, and I need to just ****ing get over it.

Haven't heard back from T yet. I just want to crawl into a hole but I have to work the concession stand at baseball tonight. I'm trying to think "this will be good for me!" but I'm having a hard time convincing myself.

Really, I feel awful. Haven't heard back from T yet.

[granite1]

tree i remember you saying you use to go to T three times a week.i minght be wrong but if not maybe you can use some of the same methods you used to allow you to go then.i like some of your other sugestions also.could your husband help with the kids games some even if it means meeting you at the game so you can leave early to go to session or something like that or maybe a sitter.have another mom whos child is in the same teem bring your son.i did the sports thing from my son being 5 untill 18 it is a chalenge i know that

I used to go twice a week when my oldest son was still homeschooled, because he was old enough to babysit his little brothers.

[granite1]

if you can hardly afford the sessions i know a sitter is out of the question how about the hubby sharing?

I think your husband needs to step up to the plate with helping with the outside activities. That would NOT fly in our house. You are feeling overwhelmed and need his assistance. I can understand him not being able to leave work early, but I don't understand at all his unwillingness to participate in his kids' activities especially in order to allow you some important "you" time. That is just what parents, and spouses, do. (Sorry. Your husband is pissing me off.)

[FourRedheads]

Oh treehouse, as another homeschooling mama, I really feel for you. I wish you were my neighbor--I'd be there in a heartbeat. Lots and lots of hugs to you.

[Kacey2]

I agree with Farmergirl. I think your husband needs to be a team player this week and do some of the child-rearing. Why doesn't he help with the after school activities? It seems like you are doing all the parenting with homeschool and other things. I am really taken back by this. Please if you feel comfortable elaborate. I know this is leading the post in a different direction and I understand if you do not want to do that. I am just curious.

Treehouse, I get the whole not asking your husband for things and I know sometimes I hate asking friends for favors too. But In the past, I've worked out a babysitting swap with a friend. Maybe you could get another homeschool mom to watch your boys on a Thursday morning for you and you watch her kids for a few hours on another morning. I hope you can see that you are important enough to make these changes

[WePow]

Sending you very big hugs. You HAVE to find a way to see your T. Be frank with your H and let him know that there really is no choice here. It is not more a choice to go to therapy for you than it would be to go for any other needed medical treatment that saves your life.

oh you guys, I could just cry

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I think your husband needs to step up to the plate with helping with the outside activities. ... You are feeling overwhelmed and need his assistance. ... I don't understand at all his unwillingness to participate in his kids' activities especially in order to allow you some important "you" time. That is just what parents, and spouses, do.

Not in my house. If my H has to decide between his free time and my kids activities, my kids would have to quit their activities. That just is how it is. Is it okay? No. Not even kind of. But I honestly don't know what the solution is. Couples therapy, maybe, but when the hell would we squeeze that in??

Originally Posted by Kacey2

I think your husband needs to be a team player this week and do some of the child-rearing. Why doesn't he help with the after school activities? It seems like you are doing all the parenting with homeschool and other things. I am really taken back by this. Please if you feel comfortable elaborate. I know this is leading the post in a different direction and I understand if you do not want to do that. I am just curious.

My H has made it very clear that he's tired after work and he demands "down time" on evenings and weekends. If he has to do anything he gets angry and we all suffer. Does it suck? yes. Did I have any idea it would be like this when we got married at 22? No.

I am really really really unhappy right now. I worked with the kids ALL day, and then had to be at baseball working the concession stand. I left at 4:30 after FIXING DINNER (because dinner being fixed is another huge issue around here and a huge problem if it's not done) and I made it super clear to my two youngest that I would be really unhappy if I came home and the house was trashed. I went to baseball and worked the concession stand and came home at 9:15 and the house was TRASHED. Oldest son needed help with homework, so I did that with him until about 10, and then cleaned the house for 40 minutes. Not Martha-Stewart-Clean. Just dishes in the dishwasher, food put away, floor swept, counters wiped, laundry picked up. I *just* sat down and now it's almost bedtime. I am exhausted and frustrated and angry and sad. My husband LITERALLY played a computer game and drank a beer the whole time.

It is a HUGE problem and I know it's easy to make suggestions on the board (which are appreciated), but not so easy to just force another person to change.

I don't ever want my kids to feel like a burden, ever. So, I roll with it and try to be cheerful about it, but sometimes, like tonight, I ****ing hate my husband.

[learning1]

I'm sorry Tree.

I won't try to give you marriage advice. Everything you said about your h pisses me off too.

Are there any chores you can leave to your kids? Anyway, I don't know if I can think of anything to help. Sometimes I have to just tell myself to try not to feel bad about things I CAN'T get done, since I really can't. That doesn't help with your therapy appointments though.

[beautiful.mess]

Omg, I can SO relate to everything you're talking about. My dh is a super cro-Magnon man too. He "works" and I'm at home, home schooling my kids, doing household chores, taking my kids to activities (my older dd is a competitive gymnast and she practically lives in The gym and my boys play baseball) and cooking/meal prep. PLUS I fulfill all the parental volunteer requirements for the kids sports. NO HELP FROM DH. He's "supportive" that I'm in therapy (like he thinks its a grand idea) but he has crazy work hours and its an enormous hassle to make an appt each week. It's never on the same day. And his attitude is always like, "huh. Oh well!" If he has to work last minute or cant help me out or doesn't want to help me out. Finally I had enough. I called my neighbor and asked if she would be willing to help me. I with I could say it was easy for me to do this but seriously....I have a VERY hard time asking for help. From anyone. For anything. I even broke down and told her that I'm in therapy and it would most likely be a weekly thing. She was awesome about it and I do still have a hard time taking advantage of her offer, but I have no choice. I NEED to be in therapy right now. Like, its not even optional. It's either therapy or in-patient, kwim?

It's *so* unfair to have a dh who just doesnt "get it" sometimes (or all the time). What's even more unfair is having literally nothing to work with, no solutions.

So, anyhow. I know exactly how you feel (or close enough to it). I got married very young too BTW. I never in a million years would have thought my life/marriage would be so.....hard. we could use couples counseling too probably, but like you, have no time! I'm lucky *I* get to go! So, no advice really, just want to let you know you're not alone.

update. i've worked something out with friends and with T. it's not ideal, but at least i'll be able to see him.

thanks for listening.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by treehouse

update. i've worked something out with friends and with T. it's not ideal, but at least i'll be able to see him.

thanks for listening.

That's great! In the end, that's all that really matters - that you're still able to get to your sessions.

[purple_fins]

I think current issues(like an imbalance in the marriage) can impact ones ability to cope with past issues.

I wish you and T. could work on you having a more "balanced" relationship with your husband. I feel for you-- it's the same I've experienced and now my sons' have learned such things and expect to have a woman that will be the one to pick up the slack all the time. -- that is making their lives so much harder as they enter adulthood.

It may appear that you're showing your sons love-- but they're learning how to treat women and that women are the only ones to take on family stuff and house stuff---(they might expect to be able to come home after work and just play games on the computer and have a beer too) you're right-- that mindset sucks-- but that's what they could be learning.... just like my sons did.

Your sons are still young-- I hope you and your husband can somehow get to show your sons that men can and often DO help and take charge of the children and house matters. It's so important for them to learn that....many young girls now demand guys to step up and be an active father/husband- or-- the guy is history.

my family is suffering the consequences of doing just like you guys are doing.....

maybe .... hopefully, it won't turn out as bad for your family as mine has, I will wish that for you and for them. I hope you're not offended -- my point is from compassion and caring for you and your family.

respectfully,
fins

Fins,

I really do appreciate what you wrote, and believe me, I have pondered that VERY THING so many times.

My oldest son is disgusted at how things are around here. He is very responsible, and very helpful and involved. I feel confident that he's not following in his dad's footsteps.

My middle son with aspergers seems to be watching the situation and thinking "oh YES, this is SO how I want my life to be". NOT cool.

My youngest is a little more like my oldest.

I think because I homeschool and we spend SO much time together, my boys (especially the oldest and youngest) think I'm the queen of the world. lol

But it is a REALLY tricky situation. I don't want to bad-mouth their dad, but I DO want them to know that this is NOT how a relationship should look.

I guess the good thing is that I am mad, and I am hurt, and I am exhausted. Maybe that is the first step towards things changing. I don't know. It's really, really, really, really hard (as you know).

I left a sobbing message for T tonight (2 actually, because I ran out of time on the first) about all of this.

My brain is all tied up in knots. Things tend to fall apart in October, always, and it's hard to know how much that is affecting my ability to handle things.

[JustWannaDisappear]

So sorry Tree.
Wish I could do something to help.