[beautiful.mess]

***This post is a little long and rambly....thanks for reading (if you make it through).

Had a session today. Wasn't "good", wasn't "bad". It's just....I don't know. I HATE going and I don't know why. I can't tell if it's because my t and I don't "click" enough or if it's just the process of therapy in general. Or maybe it's just ME (which is also a definite possibility).

We talked about stuff......or *I* talked about stuff. My t makes me start, and I direct the entire session basically meaning, whatever I want to talk about is what we talk about. When I run out of words or topic, he will not ask me questions to get the wheels turning again. We basically just sit there. UGH. He's not the type of t who will give me feedback; he basically reiterates what I say (to show me he understands?) but otherwise I hear crickets a lot. Today he made a sarcastic joke about something I was talking about (that wasn't very serious) and this bother me; which is odd because I'm VERY sarcastic IRL, although I don't think he knows this.

I get so jealous sometimes reading here about how some ppl have close connections with their t's; they talk (like normal people do), the hug or hold hands sometimes. The only thing I can honestly take away from t at this point is that all I have to lean on in life is myself. How depressing is that?! Or maybe he's just waiting ever so patiently for me to just come out and ASK for what I want and/or need. I know I should just bite the bullet and do it (ask for what I want/need) but do you know how HARD that is to do? When you get continually blasted again and again and again throughout your life because your requests/needs/wants are neglected, not acknowledged, or argued with for whatever reason, well, you learn to just go away and see what will be offered to you (which in my case, was not much).

I know that my lack of assertiveness is where part of my self esteem problem stems from. But HOW do I unlearn that? T will not help me out with this. It's like, either I do it or I don't and it doesn't make a difference to him either way.

The whole thing is just stupid and I'm wondering what the point of this is. I walked in eager to talk about stuff and walk out feeling better but instead I feel empty and aggravated and heavy and weighed down. I don't know what to do with all this "stuff" I have to unload. Where does it go???

PLUS, he didn't give me my full 50 min. I was out the door with 7 min to go (again, is this a test to make me ASK him about it; or is he just a douche?).

If I could think of one word to describe therapy for me right now it would be: MINDF***. And I don't want to go back. I feel like if I never went back it wouldn't matter to him. I feel like all I have left is to just go away quietly and be done with it.

[rainbow_rose]

wish i had some helpful comments for you, beautiful.mess, .. please know i'm here & listening.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by rainbow_rose

wish i had some helpful comments for you, beautiful.mess, .. please know i'm here & listening.

Thank you.

I'm just having a bad therapy day today. I never really liked going, but pressed onward because it's all I've got right now and I was hopeful it would help. Over time those reasons have been whittled down to right now and I'm not sure I see the benefit anymore.

Originally Posted by beautiful.mess

When I run out of words or topic, he will not ask me questions to get the wheels turning again. We basically just sit there. UGH. He's not the type of t who will give me feedback; he basically reiterates what I say (to show me he understands?) but otherwise I hear crickets a lot...

Therapy, the way you describe it here, would make me sad. I wouldn't find it to be a service worth paying for. I think I would look for a different T - one that gave me feedback, and didn't shove me out the door before my time was up.

How can a T not give you feedback? I thought that was supposed to be kind of the point? To offer some insight. To help you.

Sorry if I'm off base, it's just my reaction to what you wrote here.
Hope you figure something out

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

Therapy, the way you describe it here, would make me sad. I wouldn't find it to be a service worth paying for. I think I would look for a different T - one that gave me feedback, and didn't shove me out the door before my time was up.

How can a T not give you feedback? I thought that was supposed to be kind of the point? To offer some insight. To help you.

Sorry if I'm off base, it's just my reaction to what you wrote here.
Hope you figure something out

Yeah, not a lot of feedback. Sometimes he does but....there's something "off" about it even then. Maybe he feels that since I have a lot of insight that I don't need any more??? I dunno. I do feel like I'm left to figure a lot of stuff out on my own; like when I TELL him that even though I know my problem but need guidance since I have no answers and he sits there, says nothing and smiles. Or he tells me that change won't happen overnight. Duh!

The early dismissal simply irks the crap outta me.

This t is part of my dh's employer (like an EAP), so the therapy is "free" for me.

The whole thing just makes me sad.

I would really have a difficult time with a therapist that is that non-directive. I know that is the technique some of them use, but it would never work well for me. I prefer the interaction and my t's have always been really straight-forward and a bit on the opinionated side.

If this t's technique is not working for you, can you look for a t with a different approach? I know you said this t is through your husband's work and is free, so that may not be possible, but there is bound to be more than one t with the program, right?

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I would really have a difficult time with a therapist that is that non-directive. I know that is the technique some of them use, but it would never work well for me. I prefer the interaction and my t's have always been really straight-forward and a bit on the opinionated side.

If this t's technique is not working for you, can you look for a t with a different approach? I know you said this t is through your husband's work and is free, so that may not be possible, but there is bound to be more than one t with the program, right?

Yes, non-directive is exactly the word I would use to describe his approach. I'm sure that he has opinions up the ying-yang, but keeps them ALL to HIMSELF.

I could definitely see another t as there are other clinicians in the office BUT!!! the thought of going to someone else is so.....draining. KWIM? I know I should get over it and do it instead of sitting here wallowing in my misery, but ugh. I don't know. I'm afraid the new t would be worse. LOL.

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by beautiful.mess

I know I should get over it and do it instead of sitting here wallowing in my misery, but ugh. I don't know. I'm afraid the new t would be worse. LOL.

But... maybe the new therapist would be better....

[stopdog]

I am very sorry your t is like this. I saw a t for about 4 months who would not say anything. After sitting and shaking uncontrollably for the last two sessions - I quit. I just could not take it. It was really a terrible experience. She also told me I could not just quit. My response was "watch me."

The recent t I quit with tried to dismiss me about 5 minutes early at our last meeting. She said "well, I will see you next week" and I told her we still had 5 minutes. So we just sat there while the time ticked away. At one point she said it was a long 5 minutes and I said it was her clock keeping the time. When it hit the end of the time, I got up and left. Just my experiences with such.

I would think trying a new t could not be much worse than the one you have if more direction is what you would like.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by rainbow_rose

But... maybe the new therapist would be better....

This is true.

I'm just so confused. I don't know what to do. I'll probably give it some more time and see what unfolds. It was so difficult for me to go at all and open up as much as I have so far.

A big part of me is just really struggling with therapy in general too. Like, I just have a hard time "letting people in" IRL, ya know? Maybe NOT having someone else take the lead is what I need in that case; I'll be forced to do it. But it just.....hurts. Then again, maybe therapy is just not my cuppa cuppa and I can't be helped. UGH.

I hate the fact that I had the crappy life that put me here.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I am very sorry your t is like this. I saw a t for about 4 months who would not say anything. After sitting and shaking uncontrollably for the last two sessions - I quit. I just could not take it. It was really a terrible experience. She also told me I could not just quit. My response was "watch me."

The recent t I quit with tried to dismiss me about 5 minutes early at our last meeting. She said "well, I will see you next week" and I told her we still had 5 minutes. So we just sat there while the time ticked away. At one point she said it was a long 5 minutes and I said it was her clock keeping the time. When it hit the end of the time, I got up and left. Just my experiences with such.

I would think trying a new t could not be much worse than the one you have if more direction is what you would like.

Well, I have expressed to him the fact that I don't want to come in and he told me that if I felt like that in the future we would talk about it and I was like, "UMMM, I JUST said I feel like that NOW!" Like, HELLO!!! LOL! Maybe I need to really just journal the way I'm feeling, read it aloud to him and get it ALL out there, make my needs known and see what happens. This way, I'll feel like I've done all I can do and I won't have any regrets of having had the opportunity and knowing I blew it.

I hate how therapy is just one friggin' hour a week, and yet it takes up all of my time even on days that I'm not there. I hate how it is going to take me DAYS (or longer, I fear) to process this. I hate how I can't go "back" to where I was before therapy (not like I WANT TO) but I can't move forward with this either. My life sucks right now.

[learning1]

Sorry beautiful
Even a t who responds to me leaves me driving myself in circles, so Mindf*!@ would be an understatement for a t who didn't respond. I hope he would give you what you tell him you want sometimes if you do ask, and not keep on with just smiling. It sounds like that's what he does regardless. Good for you for getting something out of it.

I totally empathize with therapy taking up so much time. (I've been on PC all day long today)

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by learning1

Sorry beautiful
Even a t who responds to me leaves me driving myself in circles, so Mindf*!@ would be an understatement for a t who didn't respond. I hope he would give you what you tell him you want sometimes if you do ask, and not keep on with just smiling. It sounds like that's what he does regardless. Good for you for getting something out of it.

I totally empathize with therapy taking up so much time. (I've been on PC all day long today)

Thank you for understanding. I swear, I feel sometimes like I get better therapy here than I do in therapy. Is that bad? Does that say something? I know it can't be ENTIRELY healthy by itself, because we're all behind the comfort of our computers, but still; getting support here is SO good for me. Just to read about others' experiences with therapy itself (it's just so confusing and exhausting most of the time, at least for me) helps me immensely.

I'm not one to journal very often, but I'm trying to do it more often. PLUS, I'm on meds. PLUS, I come here (and not be a lurker 100% of the time either). So, therapy.....even though it may not be the BEST method delivery-wise for me.....at least I'm going; and I'm giving it my best effort when I'm there. I hope that all of these things combined add up to something eventually.

[JustWannaDisappear]

Originally Posted by beautiful.mess

***This post is a little long and rambly....thanks for reading (if you make it through).

Had a session today. Wasn't "good", wasn't "bad". It's just....I don't know. I HATE going and I don't know why. I can't tell if it's because my t and I don't "click" enough or if it's just the process of therapy in general. Or maybe it's just ME (which is also a definite possibility).

We talked about stuff......or *I* talked about stuff. My t makes me start, and I direct the entire session basically meaning, whatever I want to talk about is what we talk about. When I run out of words or topic, he will not ask me questions to get the wheels turning again. We basically just sit there. UGH. He's not the type of t who will give me feedback; he basically reiterates what I say (to show me he understands?) but otherwise I hear crickets a lot. Today he made a sarcastic joke about something I was talking about (that wasn't very serious) and this bother me; which is odd because I'm VERY sarcastic IRL, although I don't think he knows this.

I get so jealous sometimes reading here about how some ppl have close connections with their t's; they talk (like normal people do), the hug or hold hands sometimes. The only thing I can honestly take away from t at this point is that all I have to lean on in life is myself. How depressing is that?! Or maybe he's just waiting ever so patiently for me to just come out and ASK for what I want and/or need. I know I should just bite the bullet and do it (ask for what I want/need) but do you know how HARD that is to do? When you get continually blasted again and again and again throughout your life because your requests/needs/wants are neglected, not acknowledged, or argued with for whatever reason, well, you learn to just go away and see what will be offered to you (which in my case, was not much).

I know that my lack of assertiveness is where part of my self esteem problem stems from. But HOW do I unlearn that? T will not help me out with this. It's like, either I do it or I don't and it doesn't make a difference to him either way.

The whole thing is just stupid and I'm wondering what the point of this is. I walked in eager to talk about stuff and walk out feeling better but instead I feel empty and aggravated and heavy and weighed down. I don't know what to do with all this "stuff" I have to unload. Where does it go???

PLUS, he didn't give me my full 50 min. I was out the door with 7 min to go (again, is this a test to make me ASK him about it; or is he just a douche?).

If I could think of one word to describe therapy for me right now it would be: MINDF***. And I don't want to go back. I feel like if I never went back it wouldn't matter to him. I feel like all I have left is to just go away quietly and be done with it.

This pretty much describes my very first therapist. I left always feeling heavier and more weighed down and angry with myself for continuing with something that I felt wasn't working. I thought it was just how therapy was.

I think finding someone else you click with might be what you need. OR you could try asking him and see what happens. If in a couple/few sessions things aren't getting better than maybe it will be time to move on. I started therapy 10yrs ago and stayed with the first one for two years. Since then I've seen a couple different ones and never felt any connection until my current one. I knew at the first session that she was the one. It's amazing how different therapy is when you and your T are able to work together and click with each other.

[learning1]

I absolutely have been getting more on PC than in therapy. I only go to therapy every other week, and I come here almost every day. I guess PC is supposed to backup therapy, but it's the other way around for me. I don't think it'd make sense to stay on PC a lot if I permanently quit therapy irl, but sometimes that seems like one of the main reasons to bother with therapy irl, as a backup to PC.

[lastyearisblank]

Originally Posted by beautiful.mess

PLUS, he didn't give me my full 50 min. I was out the door with 7 min to go (again, is this a test to make me ASK him about it; or is he just a douche?).

a douche

[beautiful.mess]

Thanks for being supportive. Yeah, this is my first time in therapy, and so of course I have NO idea what to expect. I'm already thinking of what my conversation is going to entail for next weeks session, and then I'll go from there. I've been tossing around the idea of calling another t, but as I said, it's just so friggin' exhausting to make the call, go in for the "first" appt, give your background, then try to trust them.....you know what I'm talking about.

But then again, after you found a t that you clicked really well with, did you actually look forward to going each week? 'Cause I'm not at that point yet, and I can't decide if it's because of my t or because of therapy in general.

Originally Posted by JustWannaDisappear

This pretty much describes my very first therapist. I left always feeling heavier and more weighed down and angry with myself for continuing with something that I felt wasn't working. I thought it was just how therapy was.

I think finding someone else you click with might be what you need. OR you could try asking him and see what happens. If in a couple/few sessions things aren't getting better than maybe it will be time to move on. I started therapy 10yrs ago and stayed with the first one for two years. Since then I've seen a couple different ones and never felt any connection until my current one. I knew at the first session that she was the one. It's amazing how different therapy is when you and your T are able to work together and click with each other.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by learning1

I absolutely have been getting more on PC than in therapy. I only go to therapy every other week, and I come here almost every day. I guess PC is supposed to backup therapy, but it's the other way around for me. I don't think it'd make sense to stay on PC a lot if I permanently quit therapy irl, but sometimes that seems like one of the main reasons to bother with therapy irl, as a backup to PC.

I concur.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

a douche

Gak! I was waiting for someone to say that.

It bothers me ENORMOUSLY that that happened and I didn't say anything when I had the chance; and now I have nothing but all the time in the world to think about it until next session. Oh goody. But I've already decided that I'm gonna next week. I may have to break down and take a Xanax to do it but I'M GOIN' THERE. Taking on douche-y men seems to be my specialty. Joy.

[JustWannaDisappear]

Originally Posted by beautiful.mess

Thanks for being supportive. Yeah, this is my first time in therapy, and so of course I have NO idea what to expect. I'm already thinking of what my conversation is going to entail for next weeks session, and then I'll go from there. I've been tossing around the idea of calling another t, but as I said, it's just so friggin' exhausting to make the call, go in for the "first" appt, give your background, then try to trust them.....you know what I'm talking about.

But then again, after you found a t that you clicked really well with, did you actually look forward to going each week? 'Cause I'm not at that point yet, and I can't decide if it's because of my t or because of therapy in general.

Most of the time. After my first session with her, I broke down crying. I canceled the morning of my second session. I was ready to bolt. She called me and left a message making sure I was okay and said she was concerned that I had canceled.

Now, I only cancel when I need to. I do have high anxiety and so many sessions I'm scared and would love to just not go, but I know from previous sessions that, that's when I need to go the most. I feel like she truly understands me. I didn't feel that way before with the others. Therapy is hard. Sometimes is sucks. Sometimes it's great, mostly it's confusing and exhausting, but I'm more tired of suffering in silence.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by JustWannaDisappear

Most of the time. After my first session with her, I broke down crying. I canceled the morning of my second session. I was ready to bolt. She called me and left a message making sure I was okay and said she was concerned that I had canceled.

Now, I only cancel when I need to. I do have high anxiety and so many sessions I'm scared and would love to just not go, but I know from previous sessions that, that's when I need to go the most. I feel like she truly understands me. I didn't feel that way before with the others. Therapy is hard. Sometimes is sucks. Sometimes it's great, mostly it's confusing and exhausting, but I'm more tired of suffering in silence.

I totally get you with the high anxiety, I have that too. I'm ready to bolt every darn week. I don't dislike him (he really does seem like a nice person....but then again, who knows), but I'm not so sure he gets me yet; I'm going to wager he does not. I'm not sure what it's going to take to get ME to open up more, trust more, etc. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself and asking too much, too fast. Or maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to bolt and avoid the self evaluating. And the thing that makes the whole situation a tangled up mess is that my anxiety gets in the way BIG TIME. I just want it gone; I hate that I have anxiety issues.

Thanks so much for listening and talking to me about this guys!

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by beautiful.mess

But then again, after you found a t that you clicked really well with, did you actually look forward to going each week?

Yes, even when i am anxious, i look forward to my sessions. the relationship w/my therapist has become very important to me. it's allowing me to learn & grow & heal.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by rainbow_rose

Yes, even when i am anxious, i look forward to my sessions. the relationship w/my therapist has become very important to me. it's allowing me to learn & grow & heal.

How long did your relationship take to develop to the point where you felt trusting enough to let it help you? I've only been in therapy since June, which as I'm finding out, really isn't that long at all. I think I need to give it more time, and also maybe start thinking of dipping my other toe in. Or something.

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by beautiful.mess

How long did your relationship take to develop to the point where you felt trusting enough to let it help you? I've only been in therapy since June, which as I'm finding out, really isn't that long at all. I think I need to give it more time, and also maybe start thinking of dipping my other toe in. Or something.

that's kinda hard for me to answer .. from the very first session, there has been some measure of trust with my therapist. i've been in therapy for 8 months and the session I had last week was the safest i've ever felt. makes me feel like the 'real' work is just beginning.

when I was where you are, time wise in therapy, i was struggling similarly to how you are describing your experience. but it's not fair to compare since therapy is such a personal experience.

i'm sorry you are struggling right now. i do understand that feeling.

[beautiful.mess]

I totally understand not wanting to compare since it IS so personal and individual. It's just that much harder when you don't know what to expect, kwim? Then again, I'm SUPER IMPATIENT. I hate all of this waiting around and "sitting" with my feelings and whatever. I just want them gone, out of me and done with. I KNOW that's totally NOT realistic. I don't expect that. I know this is going to take work. But when you literally spend your entire life doing everything except for thinking about how you think or feel about any one thing, it just comes as a total shock to have that come to the fore and have that be ALL you ever think about; if that makes any sense. My mind has been in overdrive the past several months. I had no idea it would feel the way it does right now to be in therapy.

Thank you for listening to all of this. I tired telling some IRL friends about this and they're all like . Totally didn't get it. That's why I come here. I feel less crazy. And it keeps me going in between sessions.

Originally Posted by rainbow_rose

that's kinda hard for me to answer .. from the very first session, there has been some measure of trust with my therapist. i've been in therapy for 8 months and the session I had last week was the safest i've ever felt. makes me feel like the 'real' work is just beginning.

when I was where you are, time wise in therapy, i was struggling similarly to how you are describing your experience. but it's not fair to compare since therapy is such a personal experience.

i'm sorry you are struggling right now. i do understand that feeling.