I have been seeing my T three times a week for a while now. Lately, I find myself sitting there saying "umm" a lot. I don't know what to say during my sessions. Is progress happening in my life? Can't say it is. Am I trying? Yes. Are my problems curable? I can't say that I believe they are.

The T will be on vacation next week. Maybe a break will help. With the cards I've been dealt in life, can I succeed? No, I don't believe so. Nothing has worked and I am more despondent and hopeless than ever.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by unhappyguy

With the cards I've been dealt in life, can I succeed?

5-card stud, keep 2, turn in 3. Sounds like it's time for a MAKEOVER! Go to the beauty school if you have to, money-wise, but get it ALL done - haircut, mani, pedi, facial - and you'll both return refreshed! And get the wardrobe prepped for fall/winter if you haven't already. New scarf? Then go back and say the thing you don't want to.

"Curable"? No but become understood is a better target. Its hard to free associate, and if depression is present speech just seems to much. Perhaps for now just being there is enought for now.

thanks for the humor, hankster. unfortunately, i am unemployed and have no $ to splurge. i am mostly bald so haircuts are no fun. and, i don't need more clothes. or bills to pay for that matter.

socially and career-wise i am a total failure. the problem is being likeable. i am no fun and am not good at anything except messing up. i need a full-time job so badly . . .

hey, earthmamma. there is no cure for being gay. i have been out for years but . . . it's just not for me. i don't fit in that community. and, the prejudice and misunderstanding i've encountered have been awful. i've lost jobs. i am very alienated.

[nannypat]

I am sorry that you are feeling so poorly and it angers me that you have had so much pain in your life because you are gay. There is no cure for being gay because it is not a disease or anything wrong with being gay. I too suffer from depression and isolate when it is bad and feel like I have totally screwed up my life and my kids(grown now)lives and every thing I touch. The depression makes those thoughts even worse.

Maybe T would be able to set you up with a substitute T (maybe someone who works in his office?) while he is gone. Mine did that for me when I was in a bad state.I didn't think it would do any good because I didn't know her but when the time came I was really depressed and was glad to have someone to talk to.
You will be in my thoughts.

maybe worse than depression, i am suffering from hopelessness. i seem to just be hanging on by a thread. it seems that all my efforts have failed. i have occasional anger issues. i am always unhappy. my best efforts never seem to be good enough. and, i am lost and don't know what to do about it. yes, you are correct - i isolate. socially, i just don't seem to have what it takes.

[unaluna]

well, I hope you hang on here till things do change. the island of misfit toys? why would a t say they couldn't help you? that could be more about them than you. he knows his limitations, not your stretch capabilities. I isolate, but I took myself out of all negative situations, and only do positive ones. Why is your attitude not changing? Are you still feeding somehow at the poison pot?

[Perna]

My T and I decided to ban "I don't know" from my response options, maybe you should ban "umm" from yours? When I'm really down, I start working on things I know I do not enjoy doing and, some how, I find things I'd rather be doing instead :-) I think you have to get socializing in some way, get out around people; just sitting with yourself and living in your own head, you can't get a broader outlook, things can't get any better than they are now, even if you wanted them to?

[Beholden]

Good afternoon Guy.

I'm so sorry to hear about all your pain because of hopelessness. I'm no therapist, but I am hopeful that there is at least one positive influence in your life right now.

Please write one positive thought even if it isn't totally felt so you can end the cycle of such a sense of hopelessness. Anything

One positive thought I had while I was reading your post was at least you are hanging by one thread. I'll bet that thread has something you haven't looked at yet. What color is it? What's it made of? How does it feel? What's it connected to at the top?

We at Pc are here for you and I think asking for a substitute is a good idea. It may be someone who looks at you differently than you are able to look at yourself right now.

You are not your job. You are more than gay. You are able to love your nieces or nephews. You know you are loved by many of us here.

[mcl6136]

Boy, when things are bleak, it's so hard to have them be anything but ....bleak.
And telling you to NOT feel this way is not going to help. So I will refrain. I did want to say that you are in my thoughts, and I find your candor refreshing as h#$ll actually. About all I can offer is that, as a writer, I know that the silences...the UMMM spots can be necessary, at least, for an entire project to emerge. Is it possible to look at your UMMS as silences? I recommend a book called Silences, by Tillie Olsen, mostly written for (blocked) writers but still and all, useful for those of us wanting to communicate to at least ourselves, and sometimes to others, about things that are not coming yet...maybe yet to be born, but UMM, well, you get the point. Perhaps the river will thaw and you will be in t talking a mile a minute, wondering how the words could come so fast. Or perhaps not. But know that we care.....Blessings, MCL

Everyone - thanks for your comments and concern. They are much appreciated. I see the T tonight @ 8 PM. I hope that I can come up with something to discuss. Lately, I am so overcome with hopelessness. I really, really don't like being unemployed and having so little to live on. I am going into my savings to pay for healthcare. I am working temp jobs that pay very little and am considering a attending small school to learn real estate as quickly as possible and transition to something different. I am not sure of of the school's credentials but it is a chance worth taking. Will an employer hire someone in their 50's making a career transition?

As for my personal and love life, well, I have no hope. Socially, I have always been a dud. It's a lifelong problem. The world has changed; people will literally eat the weak alive. Maybe I should leave New York City where it's so competitive? I don't know. Everything is currently on the table and I feel desperate.

I have stopped going to church - I no longer believe that god loves me. And, I am concerned and worried that my T sessions may be leading nowhere. I keep going and trying, and I keep sending out resumes. Nothing.

I am meeting with an employment agency this afternoon. Maybe something will come of it.

[mcl6136]

Maybe a move would spark some great changes! New York is tough...you are right. I moved to a small town and I'm much, much happier. I also feel safe, which for someone with my background was key...and good luck with the employment agency. Keep us posted!!!

Do you have any dreams that you can remember? Did you ever have recurring nightmares? Any really really powerful dreams that you had in the past, that kind of stayed with you? Dreams might be something to talk about if your T is into them.

If you had specific goals when you first started therapy, maybe review them and discuss your progress, or lack of?

Also, does your T leave it up to you to decide what you'll discuss? Maybe ask T if he has anything he'd like to bring up?

Just some ideas. Anyway, I'm sorry that you're out of work - it gives a structure to our days, and keeping busy is a good way to avoid sitting around despondent. You're in a tough spot right now, and I feel for you. Please don't give up. Keep posting here if it helps, and let us know how it goes with the employment agency.

[anilam]

Originally Posted by nannypat

I am sorry that you are feeling so poorly and it angers me that you have had so much pain in your life because you are gay. There is no cure for being gay because it is not a disease or anything wrong with being gay

Love it. Thanks for writing that. It angers me too that ppl feel that they should be ashamed of who they are. God, everyone should be "allowed" to do anything that makes them happy unless they are hurting someone.

Unhappyguy I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Depression sucks. Big time. I know you don't see it right now and don't believe ppl when they tell you it will get easier and you will feel better someday. It just needs some time and effort. Finding a T who suits you could be the first step.

[Sannah]

Come to Louisville. It is a great place to live. People are really friendly here. It is a big small town.

Unhappyguy, It felt strange the way you sort of threw your "I'm gay" statement out in your reply. Of course being gay doesn't need a cure. For the loosing a job etc, that's something you can take practical steps to rememdy, legally wise. The depression you are expereincing in therppapy could be completely unrelated to this "life" stuff, it could be repressing fears of dependence on the therapist for fear of him or her dying. There's so much to be explored. You'd proberbly find if you got to the route of that then you'd feel more aboe to be proactive in dealing with the prejudice you seem to expereince in your daily life.

Ugh! I messed up the interview. I talked too much - gave too much info. I keep making this same mistake. Now the agency is afraid to send me on the interview with the potential employer. Am very upset. Going now to see T to talk about it. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why am I so self destructive? Why do I give too much information? I hate being me.

Interviews are just stressful - I hate them! Sorry it didn't go well. Hope you're having a good session with your T and working on this. I hope you're browsing the forums and reading some of the inspirational stories people here have posted. It IS possible to overcome some of this stuff. And you're never too old. I'll never see 60 again, but I'm still plugging away and life is so much better than it used to be. Hang in there.

Saw T tonight. The session was productive. We talked a lot about my anxiety issues. I am always afraid; the source is not fully known. I asked why I keep repeating the same mistakes, especially socially. T thinks it is because I want to be understood, so I say too much. He also noticed that I often give myself the same bad advice that my mother gave me. I had not realized that. We also discussed my career choices. I need to find something that I really like to do.

T kept returning to one of my oldest memories that I shared last session. I was 3 or 4 years old and had my first nightmare. Prior to it, I had always slept through the night. I didn't know what to do but heard the TV on and knew my parents were up. So, scared as all heck, I got out of bed and walked down the hall to the living room. My parents were on the couch resting in each others' arms and watching TV. I looked at them, unable to speak from fear. They looked at me and then waved me off and both of them said go back to bed! My feelings were so hurt; I felt so disappointed. They did not ask what was wrong or how I was or if I'd had a bad dream; they did not try to comfort me or make me feel welcome. I put my head down, turned around and trudged back to bed. It is my earliest memory and was an omen of things to come. T thinks I told the interviewer too much because I was seeking comfort and understanding. We will discuss some more when T returns from vacation.

[Sannah]

People can talk too much when they are nervous too.

That's such a sad memory to have as the very first thing you can remember. Man, the rejection, the dismissal - when you were just a frightened little kid. Ouch. But it's good that you're able to get this out with T and talk about it. Baby steps sometimes. Glad you came to PC - keep posting when you feel like it! You've got friends here

[unaluna]

Omg, I have these fantasy job interviews in my head that are more revealing than my T sessions. Guy, you need a paying blog - we both should have been columnists, but it's a new day. Still, the solution is the same, start writing and don't stop. Good story about the nightmare.

[Beholden]

"He also noticed that I often give myself the same bad advice that my mother gave me".

That's very I'd say you did good at therapy last night, trying to understand ourselves and then have others understand us too is what we all want I think.

You sound a bit better today. Your first memory hurt my heart. Keep on Guy! I hope you find what it is you can enjoy without the tapes of your mother running in your head.

Hankster's writing idea might be a possibility. You write very clearly. How about a best seller? Non-fiction still out sells fiction by a longshot. I don't recall the exact title, but there is a book about the boy called 'it'.

You have lived such an incredablely difficult life with ups and downs and yet, there you are. I have not idea if you enjoy writing and reading but you KNOW how to write. Many people write a book to use as a cathrsis experience.

I know I'd love to read an auto-bio by YOU. You love tennis. Your therapist has told you how 'normal' you function considering how you grew up. Remember "Renee Richards"? I've read by her books. You live in NYC. Great back drop material. You want to be understood. That's what I wanted when I read Renee Richards first book, and was still interested when I read his second autobio.

Thanks, Beholden and Hankster. Yes, I do like to write thought the words often do not come easily. Thanks for the encouragement. I will make some time for it and see what happens. Many thanks!