My Attachment to T Makes No Sense

I can understand if a person has some serious issues in their lives why they become attached to T. T is a person of safety and of guidance.

I can understand if emotions become too volatile and need some outside help in regulation. Then, of course, a T is invaluable.

I can understand if a person has experienced terrible trauma in their lives and need a helping hand to learn to move past the pain they've experienced. A T will be the sympathetic ear and the soothing voice.

I can understand if a person lives a life of upheaval with family or friends and needs the calming reassurance of a T. The T will help bring some stability to their thinking.

I can understand if a person is afflicted with unhealthy compulsions and must have help in redirecting those impulses. A T has the training and experience to help transform those dysfunctional actions.

I can understand when debilitating depression hits a person and their T is the only guiding light for them. The person in that pit of blackness needs their T to be a lighthouse and bring them in to safety.

I can understand that when a person is in so much emotional pain that they're subject to sui thoughts or SI, they must rely on T for their own safety. It is necessary.

I can understand the existential angst that many suffer from. Talking to T can be an outlet for their confusion and fear.

I can understand when fear and anxiety overwhelm a person. Their T can help them become grounded and less fearful.

But me, I have few problems. I suffer from little. What I do suffer from is mostly self-generated and minor in comparison to the terrible suffering that so many are undergoing.

So, why do I feel this incredible attachment to T? It makes no sense. I've studied attachment issues in therapy and have read Wallin's book many times but I still don't understand how it relates to me.

T has been gone now for 19 days and I canceled our next appointment for Nov. 23rd. I don't want to see her. But, I'm also desperate to see her. WTF! I feel very conflicted about it and it wouldn't take much for me to quit therapy period.

With few issues and biggest issue seemingly attachment to T, it seems like it would be best to end the relationship with her. She's helped me resolve the major reason I began therapy so maybe it's time to quit.

Because, MY ATTACHMENT TO T MAKES NO SENSE!!!!!

Why does attachment have to "make sense"? It's a feeling and feelings are feelings, not thoughts; only thoughts "make sense".

Does your attachment to your friends "make sense"? T is someone you have met who is helpful, why would you not feel good around that person in that situation? I've had attachments to bosses, miss my father-in-law as a person more than my father though both were wonderful men, both of whom I loved (both are deceased), who we are attracted to is not for making sense, it is for enjoying.

Feelings are information; they are your emotional eyes that tell you about how you relate to the world around you, the person in front of you, yourself. If you don't like T, you don't attach, you repulse and move away. Now go eat your vegetables, they're good for you

Although I understand that the emotional brain and the rational brain operate on different frequencies. But still, they can communicate with each other and share. So, all I want is for my emotional brain to be understood by my rational brain. If this made sense, I might be able to manage it better.

I can relate to a lot of what you posted. I want everything to make sense too. I want to "figure it all out". I want a reason for my ridiculous attachment to Ts. I am tired of it!

Another guess. Forgive me if I'm intruding, skysblue. But I keep thinking of what you posted about your childhood, along with not remembering much about it. Perhaps your attachment to your T does make sense, but you don't know why because you are missing information.

Even if that's not true, so many of us get attached to our Ts even though we don't get attached to others. It's the way therapy works. So, it could be that you're done, don't need it any more, and then the attachment won't be a problem.

OR, maybe talk with your T about it and see what she thinks about being done or not. Or, take this break and see how you do. You can always go back, right?

This is SO me. I sit in the waiting room thinking that my problems are self-generated and that the rest of the people around me have REAL problems. I also do that on this board.

"But attachment to T feels much more emotional than my RL relationships."

That's a good thing. If you have no feeling RL relationships, you are missing what is good and interesting about Life itself.

Your "T is not a friend" is avoiding the comparison :-) For me, friends are just "there" usually, don't make sense? We are attracted to them in some way.

Can you get your head to go the whole head way? T can be a bridge between your emotional brain and rational brain and teach you how to help the two work together. It "makes sense" to me that I would want that?

Me, too, pbutton. I had parents who wanted me and loved me. I have kids and grandchildren. Why in the world do I need this forum and long-term therapy? But I do!!! If you're here, you do too. We belong as much as anyone else and our reasons, whatever they are, are just as valid as anyone else's. I have a great deal of admiration for so many who post here and are true survivors. I learn a lot from everyone and you all are my inspiration.

It's been a big topic of conversation between me and T. It's not hidden at all. I guess we need to dig deeper and try to find the reason. I told T that I understood this was transference and I understood that it wasn't real. That's what is driving me crazy - transferred from what or who? But like Rainbow pointed out, I have little memory of childhood so there in the depths of amnesia lies the answer? Oh great - let me waste away the rest of my life on a futile search for a meaningless answer.

I forgot if you said there is no one in your family to help you remember the past. No one? Letters? Photos? School reports? Nothing at all?

I wonder if hypnosis would work. Or EMDR?

Does your T think there is something in your forgotten past that's important? I agree that it would be futile to waste the rest of your life digging for the impossible.

I take it you are talking about Must-Make-Sense (MMS)!?

My mother died when I was 3, was sick all my life (from 2 years before I was born) and I don't remember her. I get that if you don't remember you might feel "rootless" in your own life and want it, and things now, to make sense.

Do you have any aunts or other relatives who can tell you what you were like when you were little? I had an aunt that told stories of me, wrote me letters, and that helped me enormously (I could "sense" myself in the stories; they "felt" like me).

One thing, scary for me, is that the emotional has few/no words. My mother had a brain tumor and after her operation, was often not able to make sense; my aunt says she'd ask for an "elephant" when she wanted her "comb" for example. For a long time other people's errors in speaking/writing would make me very anxious and my T and I finally figured out that if you don't make sense, you die. I was trying, with my two year old self who had few words, to make sure people didn't die in my adult world as coping was not fun?

Over time, my T and I were able to give me an emotional vocabulary; my feelings matched up and made sense. Do you remember those children's mix-and-match books that had three horizontal sections and you could put a different head, with different body, with different feet? All this struggling we do with attachment to T and "sitting with" it not making sense but going forward with it and pitting it against other relationships we have or have had, is like a child learning to work that book and match up the three correctly but also be comfortable with the various miss-matches because they know what the "correct" (relationship with T) match feels like and they can go back to it easily instead of being lost in the jumble of miss-matches, not knowing what they're looking for.

Not much. I've asked my brother but he's younger than me and I've asked my aunt.

But, in the end, what difference does it make? So, sure - this or that happened. Big whoopdedoo!! So what? Okay, as Wallin calls it, maybe some small trauma (small t). so what? Then because of that, attachment to T? so what? So, what is gained by understanding? I'm beginning to see now that it makes no sense to try to make sense of it all. It doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter. The best thing to do is to stop all this scurrying around trying to find meaningless answers. Because, in the end, it doesn't matter. Life goes on - we get up in the morning, eat breakfast, run errands, wash the dishes, fix dinner, go to sleep. For me, (and I'm only talking about me - not people with real problems), for me it's an obvious waste of time and emotional energy. It's a superbly devious way for my ego to gain extra gratification. I mean, what is more fun that to be self-absorbed? For someone like me it is the ultimate high. When I ask myself what I want to do for fun, the most pleasurable option that comes to mind is to engage in what I used to call self-reflection but now label emotional masturbation. Somehow I need to walk away from this. But I know I won't. I'm too addicted to my narcissistic ways. I wonder if other addiction healing modalities would work for my pathetic addiction. Even writing this post is feeding my ego driven need for 'pay attention to me!'

That's not "Life" and living, that's just existing. You cannot compare yourself with other people because you cannot be in their lives, cannot even see into their lives very well and have no way to put your "self"/personality and experiences into their life or their "self"/personality and experiences into your life.

It could be, for you, a waste (I won't say "obvious", if only because I'm stubborn :-) of time and emotional energy, only you can decide that but I ask, what else are you using your emotional energy on? I want to use my emotional energy to connect to my Life and other people, not to keep everything "stable" and try to hold the status quo, which we cannot do as, as you point out, life goes on. You cannot stand still and using emotional energy to try to hold things so they seem "okay" is, to me a horrible waste of time and emotional energy.

Perna, I appreciate you engaging me while I'm spewing out in a self-pitying rant.

I see your point and I could have argued such a point myself. Well, let me put it this way, I can kinda see your point in regards to me through this fog of confusion.

How to 'connect to my Life and other people'? Yeah, I have been failing at that. So maybe working with T, no matter why I'm attached, will help in that arena. But sometimes it feels like I'm just swirling around waiting to go down the drain. Just like the water that never goes anywhere but around and down and around and down, this sensation is mine sometimes.

Holding everything 'stable', you're right, takes tremendous energy. I sometimes feel like I'm a ticking bomb just ready to explode. And not knowing what will ignite it is exhausting also.

So, in some ways it doesn't matter why attachment to T but you're implying that's o.k. Go with the emotion and use it in session to gain more understanding about how I function in the world NOW! Answering 'why' is not that critical, it seems?

I know not everyone believes in EMDR but my T says it will change me, and I have to admit, I think it has.

EMDR goes beyond understanding an event or a feeling. It makes it go away, or at least not as distressful. It works for small traumas. So, if you wanted to feel unstuck (but you don't seem stuck so I'm digressing I suppose) you could use EMDR. I just wanted to say that I agree that understanding does not always mean healing!!

I relate to the above 100%!!! It's "fun" for me too. You're not pathetic, though. What is important to me, is WHY am I so addicted to needing the attention of this forum (I get a high from posting and seeing my threads getting responses) and of my T. It fulfills needs and the purpose of my therapy is to try to accept, deal with, and find other ways to meet those needs other than therapy for the rest of my life. Can you relate to that at all? Or am I missing the boat?

I think I understand now the 'sense' of being attached to T. Thinking about it more today has brought back thoughts I have had in the past. It's only in her office that I can be me. It's only there that I can talk about anything. There is no need to worry about social conventions. There is no concern about walking the tightrope of managing relationships. It is only with her that I can talk about anything.

When I feel like I would burst with emotions, she is there to listen and to understand. Now that I have experienced what it's like to be able to share anything and everything with another human being, it has kinda become a necessity. I don't know why. Maybe when everything settles down someday, that need won't be so imperative.

So, just having someone to talk to is what makes my attachment to T what it is. There is no need to delve into my past - the present situation is sufficient to explain my need for her.

I look forward to November 30th. It will have been 35 days keeping myself cooped up.

My sugestion would be to copy and print what you just wrote and send it to your T or e mail it or bring it with you. You are very insightful and I see putting in the hard work to heal. But dont stand in your own way by skiping your session.

My understanding is that attachment is what is supposed to happen in therapy and it's healthy. Just thought you might want to know so you don't keep beating yourself up about this. It's a good thing! It has nothing to do with how big your problems are. It just shows you are capable of a healthy connection. Also, attachment facilitates deep work. Do you think you are experiencing insecure attachment? If so, yes, that can be hard. But it's possible that you can work with your T to transition that to a secure attachment so that you are more comfortable with the alliance. Also, you mentioned transference. Attachment to one's therapist doesn't always involve transference, so maybe you needn't look for that if it doesn't seem to be there.

I wonder if being so concerned that you are attached to your therapist is a way to avoid tackling some difficult topics in therapy? Just a stab in the dark...

Oh yes, I'm well aware of the therapeutic necessity of attachment to T - at least with the psychodynamic/humanistic orientation that my T has. I suspect it's not such a big issue in cognitive therapies, although I don't know for sure.

Amazingly, I share with her all this. It began a few months ago when I got quite upset that I was feeling so needy. I hated it and I hated her for not preventing it from happening. Boy, did I light into her. She was great. It was then I learned the word 'attachment' as related to therapist/client relationship.

I guess I've been thinking that my issues have been resolved so there's no more need for this attachment but maybe I'm wrong about the resolution of issues. I guess there are more issues than initially meets the eye. Man oh man, and I thought I was done.

I don't think that when issues get resolved, the attachment to one's T turns off. (And if your attachment is still there, it doesn't imply you haven't resolved your issues.) Once you've made the attachment, you will probably maintain it as long as you continue to work with your T. I have had big and deep issues I worked on with my T, and small daily life things from time to time too. Throughout all of this, the attachment endures and is helpful. Even after I am done with therapy, I think the attachment or at least some element of the relationship will continue and be helpful to me in tackling problems on my own (internalization).

That's really good that you two talk up front about all of this. I hope your T can offer reassurance that it's OK to be attached.

I'm just hoping that the intensity and need decrease substantially.

Wait, I think I've got it figured out why I have the attachment. See, I can't really be attached to T because I don't know her at all. So, this is what I've come up with. T is a placeholder, she's a representation. She's not her.

For me, she represents potential. So, my attachment to T is actually attachment to MY potential. I want to change, I want to grow, I want to be authentic, I want to find my true self. All of that is my potential. So, when I go into session I'm consciously and with focus trying to gain all of that. So, my eagerness to see T is my own eagerness to fulfill my potential. It's a yearning to see ME! I'm attached to myself.

Hey, is that good insight or what? Or is it all bullsh*t?

I don't know! You remind me of myself. My T is always telling me not to try to figure it out so much. It's easier to see it in someone else, though. I know how much you want to figure it out but maybe there's no answer, or maybe there are many answers. Why not let it play out naturally and see how you feel when you see your T next. I know....it's hard. I obsess and try to figure things out just like you do.

I like that!

If the shoe fits, then wear it.

Carrying on with the idea that T is only a representation and that it's MYSELF I'm attached to, I've read a bit about Carl Roger's humanistic approach to therapy. My T uses many modalities but she definitely applies psychodynamic and humanistic theories with me.

The humanists believe that agape or love must be communicated to the client. Agape is different from eros. Quoting from Michael Kahn, "Eros is characterized by the desire for something that will fulfill the lover. Agape, by contrast, is characterized by the desire to fulfill the beloved."

How to convey agape, how to show the client they are loved is accomplished by 3 attributes that the therapist possesses - genuineness, empathy and unconditional positive regard.

Quoting again from the book,"Between Therapist and Client: The New Relationship" by Michael Kahn,
"For the client, the optimal therapy would mean an exploration of increasingly strange and unknown and dangerous feelings in himself, the exploration proving possible only because he is gradually realizing that he is accepted unconditionally. Thus he becomes acquainted with elements of his experience which have in the past been denied to awareness as too threatening, too damaging to the structure of the self. He finds himself experiencing these feelings fully, completely, in the relationship, so that for the moment he is his fear, or his anger, or his tenderness, or his strength. And as he lives these widely varied feelings, in all their degrees of intensity, he discovers that he has experienced himself, that he is all these feelings. He finds that his behavior changing in a constructive fashion in accordance with his newly experienced self. He approaches the realization that he no longer needs to fear what experience may hold, but can welcome it freely as a part of his changing and developing self"

So, the therapist creates that safe place. The safe place created by the empathic, genuine therapist is what is appealing. The specific person is not important. Any T who can create that safe place will do. The particular human being who is our T is not important.

The attachment is to the safe place, not to the T. And as the quote above states, "discovered that he has experienced himself". As I think about this this way, it seems to make me feel less attached to T as a person.

Then as I'm planning to share these ideas with my T when she returns, I imagine her listening to me with a slight smile on her face. And I imagine her saying, "well, Skysblue, I see that you've been exercising your analytical muscles quite vigorously. But, I must ask you, did you also exercise your feeling muscles?"

Oops, I guess I forgot. That's right - she keeps telling me that growth comes not from cognitive 'understanding' but real 'knowing' from feelings.

Okay, gang, I'm seeing now that I need to go practice 'feeling' so that I can give a complete report to T when I finally see her after her long vacation. Stay tuned...

Hi Skysblue, in the last year I have purchased 45 books to help me understand this damn therapy from In Session to Start Where You Are (Pema Chodron) - I have read them all and yet I am still with that utter confusion and tiresome whirring of my brain to understand it all - I think all it has really achieved is absolute exhaustion - so I think the answers to your questions do not lie in words, but in experiences - you have to go through the journey with T to really feel it and with the feeling comes understanding, but without words. When you know absolutely that you have experienced it, then there will be no more ambiguity, the journey ahead will achieve absolute clarity.

SD