[rainbow8]

I'm back home and I assume my T is flying back right now and will email me tomorrow. I sent her an email, finally, about how crummy my trip was. Not all of it was bad, and a lot was my fault. I don't blame people for not wanting to be with me when I complain so much.

I'm more aware of my parts lately, and how they feel about my T. I am embarrassed about the part who feels like she has a crush on, or is in love with, my T. I know this is my pattern, but it's progress to see her as a part of me, not all of me. I emailed T about some moments I won't ever forget. I am curious about why I feel the way I do and wonder if others feel like they have a "crush" on their T's. It reminds me of the others in my past, from movie stars to real people. I have moments I'll never forget but I'm not sure why I do this and if it's totally abnormal or not.

For example, when she zipped up her coat when we went for a walk once. Last session I saw her coat on the hook (I usually don't pay attention to her coat) and I remembered the feeling when she zipped it up. Now is this stupid or what? I don't know if it's a good feeling or not.

Then when she smiled at me last session, at one point. In the past, I've wanted to look into her eyes but I emailed that it hurts too much to do that. I don't know if some of the feelings are physical/sexual--probably.

These and other moments add up to feeling like a teenager with a crush!! More so than being in love, maybe. I want to be with her. Yet I know I need to explore what these feelings are about, not obsess about them for their own sake.

My T has become so, so important to me and I have all these parts who want her in different ways. The child still wants to sit in her lap and be held. The baby seems to feel okay now, at least. But this teenage part, or maybe she's also a child, I don't know, wants to know everything about T and soak up her presence. She thinks T is an amazing person and wants to be like her.

I hope my T comes home safely!!

[granite1]

i hope she comes home safe for you also rain.what an awsome way to express how you feel about your T. maybe right now this is how you need to feel in order to work through it to trust and to have someone to look up to

Eventually the phantasy stage will be worked through, and you'll feel ok about T, its a place where you see them for who they really are and not just a projection of your needs. Its a bit disappointing at first, its like you'vr lost something that was once a comfort, like an adult who remembers the comfort of a dummy but no longer albe to get the comfort and feelin depressed and not wanting to be an adult if life iffers no comfort. But this is just the inbetween stage, when through it you realise that you have a much better control of your inner life and amuch better sense of who you are and how the seperation between 2 people is actually a nice place to be because all the longings and unspoken fears have passed and you feel safe about yourself and the other and get to enjoy the time alone and the joy of seeing the other again.

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm more aware of my parts lately, and how they feel about my T. I am embarrassed about the part who feels like she has a crush on, or is in love with, my T. I know this is my pattern, but it's progress to see her as a part of me, not all of me. I emailed T about some moments I won't ever forget. I am curious about why I feel the way I do and wonder if others feel like they have a "crush" on their T's. It reminds me of the others in my past, from movie stars to real people. I have moments I'll never forget but I'm not sure why I do this and if it's totally abnormal or not.

yay for progress! I don't think it's abnormal or stupid at all, rainbow.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Then when she smiled at me last session, at one point. In the past, I've wanted to look into her eyes but I emailed that it hurts too much to do that. I don't know if some of the feelings are physical/sexual--probably.

I understand this... i don't alway look at my therapist for similar reasons, i'm sure. i don't wanna bring it up or talk about it with her. blech.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

My T has become so, so important to me and I have all these parts who want her in different ways. The child still wants to sit in her lap and be held. The baby seems to feel okay now, at least. But this teenage part, or maybe she's also a child, I don't know, wants to know everything about T and soak up her presence. She thinks T is an amazing person and wants to be like her.

Sounds like your therapist IS an amazing person. nothing wrong with parts or all of you wanting to be like her. good therapists can model so many good things for us that we somehow never saw or got while we grew up. I too wanna be like my therapist when I grow up.

hugs to you, rainbow.

[rainbow8]

granite: thank you for being here for me, always. I didn't hear from my T yet but I know she'll send me the email she promised. It's not breaking our agreement; she's just going to say "I'm back" because she knows I worry. I agree that I need to feel the way I do about my T right now. I'm not sure why, but I do.

earthmamma: What you describes sounds so inviting. I've never experienced the whole cycle in therapy before. I've always been stuck in the "wanting them" and fantasy phase. I do see my T as a real person, though, and I know her role is to be my T, not anything else. The parts of me want more, and it hurts so badly to feel those wants. But my T accepts all my parts, and wants us to be curious about them, so I hope that this time with this T I can get beyond this stage to what you talk about. Thank you.

rainbow_rose: Thanks for not thinking I'm abnormal or stupid. I'm trying not to be ashamed of my feelings. My T doesn't want me to feel that way. When we do IFS and she asks "how do YOU feel about that part?" and I say "I'm ashamed of her", she asks if I can throw that part(I guess she thinks that's also a part, not my Self) who feels ashamed over to the other side of the couch, and usually I can.

Yeah, in particular when she said not to worry about her getting depressed because she doesn't (not sure if she meant about death or in general) I wanted more than anything to be like her. It makes me cry to think about that part of the session. I didn't comment on it then, only in my email to her.

Thank you for caring about me, rainbow_rose.

[rainbow8]

She emailed me (I know I posted that in my other thread) that she's back, so that's a relief--sort of. But this teenage part feels no relief. My parts are all frustrated! I'm going through a rough time and feel worse because I know I have an easy life. I don't want to get old and it's happening to me. Duh!! Which it makes it more dumb for this teenage part to have a crush on my T, or maybe it's reliving exciting experiences that won't happen again. I have a lot of frustrations with my H, my family, my fears, and my house. I hate my house but feel powerless to do anything about my H's stuff.

I know this thread doesn't make sense. I'm venting. I want my T to solve everything and she can't!! Life is too hard for me. I feel like an old play called "Stop the World; I Want to Get Off!" Anthony Newley I think, if anyone remembers it. I want to scream and have a tantrum like my gd does.

[Sannah]

I like the progress too! (Infant is good now and you are in the teenage years).

[rainbow8]

Sannah, I knew you'd say that! I thought of those stages you've posted about to me when I wrote "teenage part". But it's my pattern to "be in love with my Ts", so it's not like I haven't gone through these stages before in therapy. I THINK the difference is, as my T will say, that I'm separating out from the parts; they are not running the show. My SELF recognizes that a PART of me feels this way, and that it doesn't have to take over. Otherwise, this isn't different from the way I've felt about my other Ts. I called it being addicted to them, or being in love with them, not that a part of me felt that way. Subtle difference but important?

This teenage part hasn't grown up. I'm not sure the child part has yet either because she wants to sit in my T's lap and be held.

[CantExplain]

It is normal for teenagers to have crushes. It's part of growing up.

[Brightheart]

This teenage part hasn't grown up. I'm not sure the child part has yet either because she wants to sit in my T's lap and be held.

Maybe those parts of you don't have to grow up, Rainbow. They exist inside you and help to make you the person that you are. I've been doing some self-help with my parts (with the help of supportive friends). One thing I try to do is take my protector part to the others who need comforting. Can you find a part to help balance your critic?

Child part, I hear that you are wanting the comfort of your T. Teenager part, you are frustrated and want affection. Manager part, you sound overwhelmed. We are listening, and hear your feelings.

Is there a way for your parts to work together to create a more peaceful existence? How can you take care of your own needs in this?

[WePow]

Just had a thought I wanted to run by you... Maybe the "crush" is actually admiration? Perhaps those parts of you see qualities in your T that you would like to see in yourself?

A natural part of teen development is when they find adult role models. Because of hormones or prior abuse history, this stage can lead to confusion and sexualization of the role model. It is up to the role model to help the teen see that it is ok to admire traits in others without sexualizing the relationship.

Can you maybe make a list of all the traits you have liked in any of the Ts you had where you had this pattern? Do NOT list the name of the T. Just put down the traits in a very random and natural way. You will think of one person and say maybe "Always greeted me with a smile" and then think of someone else and say "Paid close attention to what I said"

After you are done making your list, make another list with your name on top.
Go through each item on the first list and write out what you see in yourself, or what you would like to see. Example: "I tend to great others with a smile" "I would like to learn how to listen better to others"

Just thinking here :-)

[Sannah]

I think that you are making great progress on this Rainbow. You have the parts still because you haven't done all your work yet but you are making progress. And the baby is content!!!!!!!!

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm back home and I assume my T is flying back right now and will email me tomorrow. I sent her an email, finally, about how crummy my trip was. Not all of it was bad, and a lot was my fault. I don't blame people for not wanting to be with me when I complain so much.

I'm more aware of my parts lately, and how they feel about my T. I am embarrassed about the part who feels like she has a crush on, or is in love with, my T. I know this is my pattern, but it's progress to see her as a part of me, not all of me. I emailed T about some moments I won't ever forget. I am curious about why I feel the way I do and wonder if others feel like they have a "crush" on their T's. It reminds me of the others in my past, from movie stars to real people. I have moments I'll never forget but I'm not sure why I do this and if it's totally abnormal or not.

For example, when she zipped up her coat when we went for a walk once. Last session I saw her coat on the hook (I usually don't pay attention to her coat) and I remembered the feeling when she zipped it up. Now is this stupid or what? I don't know if it's a good feeling or not.

Then when she smiled at me last session, at one point. In the past, I've wanted to look into her eyes but I emailed that it hurts too much to do that. I don't know if some of the feelings are physical/sexual--probably.

These and other moments add up to feeling like a teenager with a crush!! More so than being in love, maybe. I want to be with her. Yet I know I need to explore what these feelings are about, not obsess about them for their own sake.

My T has become so, so important to me and I have all these parts who want her in different ways. The child still wants to sit in her lap and be held. The baby seems to feel okay now, at least. But this teenage part, or maybe she's also a child, I don't know, wants to know everything about T and soak up her presence. She thinks T is an amazing person and wants to be like her.

I hope my T comes home safely!!

I think it takes huge self knowledge to know that people are put off by complaining, and to own this. Great big steps...hats off to you!

[rainbow8]

I've gotta go; will respond more tomorrow.

WePow, I do sexualize the relationship.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I've gotta go; will respond more tomorrow.

WePow, I do sexualize the relationship.

It is brave and honest of you to own that.

[rainbow8]

Can'tExplain: Yes, I know it's normal for teens to have crushes but mine never ended! I went from crush to crush, which became my pattern, even after I was married. I don't know whether they turned into "obsessions" for Ts, wanting to be "in love" with them, or still crushes. Now I see that it's just a part of me that started even before teenage years.

Well, I have always gotten sex and love confused. When my T is nice to me and I feel good, I have said I feel "too good". The "too good" usually has a sexual component to it. My T knows that. Maybe it's that teenage part. I wish it were Tuesday so I could discuss it with her again. We've discussed my feelings for her many times, and done EMDR and IFS about them, but somehow I've forgotten or blocked it out when we do. I have to the work on the same issues over and over, it seems.

Brightheart: thanks for what you posted! You sound just like my T!

Maybe those parts of you don't have to grow up, Rainbow. They exist inside you and help to make you the person that you are. I've been doing some self-help with my parts (with the help of supportive friends). One thing I try to do is take my protector part to the others who need comforting. Can you find a part to help balance your critic?

Child part, I hear that you are wanting the comfort of your T. Teenager part, you are frustrated and want affection. Manager part, you sound overwhelmed. We are listening, and hear your feelings.

Is there a way for your parts to work together to create a more peaceful existence? How can you take care of your own needs in this?

Yes, having the parts work together in harmony is the goal of IFS. I remember my T telling me that the child part doesn't have to grow up, that she just has to know that I will always be there for her! Same with the baby. I can always hold her! The teenage part is more complicated, but I have to learn to be there for her too.

WePow: thanks for your ideas. Yes, the crush is admiration for all of my
T's wonderful qualities. She is sort of a role model for me even though I'm older than she is. I suppose that doesn't matter. But part of it feels like the way I felt when I was 11 or 12 and had my first crushes. Actually, I started feeling that way about a boy in 1st grade, and then in 4th grade. It was always one-sided and I never talked to those whom I "loved". The difference is that I now talk to my T about those feelings. I really need to accept this part of myself and find a way to meet her needs. My H is not there for me in a way that could be helpful.

mcl: thanks. People close to me tell me I am always negative, always complaining, whining, criticizing, never happy with anything. I can't seem to stop myself from doing that. I know my Ts have all seen it too. My former T used to say that every week I'd come in and tell her how I didn't feel well physically. My H says I'm always complaining to him, never satisfied. More issues to work on in therapy.

[rainbow8]

WePow, thanks for the hugs and reading my last post. I get such a sinking feeling when I post more in my thread and I feel like no one reads it. I want to discuss that with my T because it's similar to why I stopped emailing her. It feels like "I'm gone, off the page and no one cares about me anymore." That feeling is giving me information and for once, I'm not lost in it. I'm curious about it and not judging myself or anyone here. I'm just very aware of the triggered feeling of being unimportant, ignored, invisible, pushed aside. I KNOW that is all twisted thinking. Wow! Even I think I'm progressing with this insight!

[unaluna]

FWIW, I usually announce these feelings to T by saying, I'm feeling crotchy. He once replied, you're angry? I said no! He goes, you said you were feeling crotchety, that means angry. I go, I KNOW what crotchety means, I made up a word, I said I was feeling CROTCHY, YOU KNOW!!! And I think I pointed. But they aren't really hot and bothered, turned on feelings for me - I would only call them sexual because they are in that physical vicinity, if that makes sense. The brain is not really engaged, nor are are the earlobes...!

[rainbow8]

Oh, hankster. I'm embarrassed by what you wrote, and think it's hilarious at the same time! And it's true, too. I'm embarrassed because my T and I are both female. I don't want to have those kinds of feelings for her. I don't accept them very well, and try to make them be about something else. You're more honest than I am! Crotchety/crotchy. You are TOO funny!!!! Seriously, it's about my T as a person too. I'm not hot and bothered either, but it's in "that vicinity".

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

it's in "that vicinity".

Right, so that makes me think it's not a CURRENT feeling, it's more of a flashback? I only realized that as a result of these various discussions here today. And the past six months, of course, but something clicked today. I have told the crotchety story here before, didn't click for me. I too had boyfriends, since 2nd grade. We used to kiss each other's forehead in class!
P.s. But yeah, my poor T! he definitely deserves a medal!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

That feeling is giving me information and for once, I'm not lost in it. I'm curious about it and not judging myself or anyone here. I'm just very aware of the triggered feeling of being unimportant, ignored, invisible, pushed aside.

Very good work!!