[sittingatwatersedge]

from a recent thread >> I do sometimes wonder if I'd be better off w/a female T. All of my other doctors are female. On the other hand I suppose this is a chance to work through [issues] with someone safe.


My issues in this area are so great, I imagine myself with a male T and fully expect we'd spend so much time in distrust & ruptures that the work would never progress.

Which is why I chose (and still choose) a female. Now and then I wonder though... Wise choice? or not?

PC folk... was this a factor when you chose a T, and how do you think it is working out?

[pbutton]

I was assigned to my T when I called the mental health center. I didn't pick him. I was NOT thrilled about getting a guy, but I was too out of it to protest. I figured it was the first available appointment and I'd just deal with it. I was in crisis and didn't actually give much of a crap about anything at that point.

T and I have discussed this topic. He hasn't ever triggered me in person. He actually feels very safe when I am in the room with him. It's the crap I come up with in my head that starts to bother me.

[stopdog]

I choose to see straight female therapists (I am lesbian) and I also have an age requirement that they be older than I am (it gets harder now that I am so old). I find therapy to be difficult enough without throwing a gender wrench into the mix for me. I have a hard enough time not finding a female t to be condescending and patronizing. It would be impossible with a male (although I cannot imagine how distrust and ruptures could be worse with a man for me than they already are with a woman). There is something else that I cannot figure out how to articulate that prevents me from considering a man. I have male friends and colleagues that cause no problems for me, so it is not that. This has been discussed in therapy as a consideration to help with the overwhelming feeling of badness I have about walking into the t's office - but the female t did not think a change in gender would fix the horribleness and neither do I. I am generally less interested (not quite the right word but can't figure out a better one) in men (not talking sexually here, which for me is a given) than in women.

(My brother was talking to his daughter (who is 4) about his recent dr appt. When he used the pronoun "he", my niece broke in and said "silly Papa, boys aren't doctors".)

I'm so glad I have a female T. I think, after a lifetime of friendships with women, it's easier to talk to a woman. All this is hard enough with her, I can't imagine how long it would take to relax enough with a man.

[Perna]

I think it does have a lot to do with that you want to work on and how. I did best with my female therapist (had had 2-3 males before) and I had multiple, complicated "mother issues".

I've tried a few female t's in the past and absolutely couldn't stand any of them. They wanted to pity me and coddle me and tell me how much they related to me because of their own abuse which just entirely creeped me out. Yuck.

I have had three male t's, all very, very skilled. They have always been direct (and sometimes downright blunt -- that's a good thing in my book). They have been very straight-forward and honest. They have been highly respectful and compassionate. I've never had transference issues or ruptures with any of them. I have always found talking to men much easier than women. With a couple of noteable exceptions, I have just found men much more straight-forward and no-nonsense. That's important to me.

Now that I think about it, all of my care providers are men: psychiatrists, family doctors, OB/GYN's, dentist, even my eye doctor.

Interesting how we all have our personal preferences.

I was reluctant to try a male T the first time, but I followed the recommendation of someone I trusted, and it worked out well. When I needed to find a new T kind of midway in my process, I deliberately set out to find a female T. That worked out really well.

This time (15 years later), I called the office of the counseling practice in my community that is very well thought of, and said I wanted to see someone who knew something about trauma. I presumed that I would get someone female if I used that buzzword, and was surprised when the receptionist said my T's name. It seemed rude to ask her for another choice. I figured one meeting couldn't hurt, and eventually I just found myself going back.

As I think about it now, I think that I was just ready to do the work, and I could have worked with anybody, male or female. I really like my T and I think he is very skilled in working with me and he really understands me. I appreciate his willingness to engage in a good deal of self disclosure as a way to give me some kind of blueprint for what has worked for him and to connect with him. I came to see him for issues in my marriage that seemed to have a component of unresolved traumatic cr@p. The marital stuff has been mostly worked through and I'm still slogging through the trauma. I don't know if him being a guy was helpful in this process, but I believe so.

I realize that in the past year, I have been much more open to friendships with men than I have been in the past. I have enjoyed my relationship with my T and the fact that he is a guy. Even though I'm surrounded by guys at home and I can sometimes be pissed at all of them at the same time, I like having good men in my life.

In my experience with therapy, there is the work and there are the things that get in the way of the work. Working through the things that are getting in the way of the work is useful, whether these things are ruptures or lack of trust or a perceived inability to open up or whatever. So I don't really think that any of these kinds of barriers are really a reason to choose one gender or another.

Anne

[Chopin99]

I have seen 3 female T's, two close to my own age at the time, current T is 20 years older. I have nothing against males; each time I was open to either gender. In everyday life, I tend to get along with males much more easily. I find men to be much more straightforward.

If I get past this rift with current T and she is willing to work with me on it, considering she is older and authoritative; I can get past the hang-ups I have with women who hold similar positions in my life. If she can show me how to attach healthily and work past the issues, I can stop being "borderline" with these people!

All my other health care providers since childhood have been male with the exception of my long-time GYN, who is female and I'm very comfortable with her.

[lostmyway21]

I knew from the start I wanted to work with a male therapist. I dont get along well with other females. I tried two older therapist first but it never went passed three sessions. My T now is younger, and I finally feel comfortable enough to talk and stick with therapy. I have a lot of abandonment issues, with people I thought would always be there. I almost knew he would spark those issues, and he did. But now I can work on them, so I see it a a positive thing.

I like a woman who is older then me as well, current T is 25 yrs older. All other professionals are Male including gynecologist. I am a lesbian in a 12 yr committed relationship with 2 children and 2 soon to be 3 grandchildren and I have no problems with males. I think I needed that mother thing and boy did I pick the wrong T for that, but she gives me what I need NOT what I want. Which sounds way better then it feels. I don't think I could open up to a man like I can to her.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

PC folk... was this a factor when you chose a T, and how do you think it is working out?

The T's gender was definitely a factor when I chose my T. I am glad that I'm working with a female T. I'm not sure I'd have made as much progress with a male T. I have severe trust issues as it is, and it took me two years to really trust my T...if I'd also added in the gender factor, I'd probably still be working on trust.

I don't distrust ALL men, and this isn't something I feel I need to work on in therapy right now. I've had successful relationships in the past, and I've dated, and it's fine. I just would have had to find the "right" male T if I'd gone that route...for me, it would have been more intimidating, and I have some history with not being able to trust men that I feel are in more of an authority position. It was simply easier and quicker for me to make progress with a female T. Maybe, someday, it will be something for me to explore, but right now, the issues I'm working on are more important.

I definitely wanted a male T. My issues are largely with my mother, and honestly, I have had so many bad relationships with other women (drama, abandonment, judging, lies and talking about people behind their backs), and a bad experience with a female T, that I cannot imagine that I would have been able to really open up to a female T.

I still think it's really interesting that a relationship with a man has helped me so dramatically in my relationships with other women. Part of that, I know, is that I'm healthier and choosing the RIGHT women with which to have relationships.

[skysblue]

I specifically looked for a female T. I doubt if I would have entered therapy if only male T's were available. I guess I just can't believe that a man can be empathic, sympathetic or understanding. I know cognitively that there must be sensitive and compassionate men out there but I just don't know them. It doesn't seem possible that a male can 'get' women's issues.

My doctor, my dentist are female also. Additionally I know I would not have been able to share myself wholly with a male T. I have felt enough embarrassment with my female T, I know it would have taken months/years longer or never to build up trust with a male T.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by skysblue

...I guess I just can't believe that a man can be empathic, sympathetic or understanding. I know cognitively that there must be sensitive and compassionate men out there but I just don't know them. ....

I have to admit, Treehouse has one; maybe the only one lol

seriously I agree Skysblue, on a personal level. I guess I just can't imagine that a male T could / would take my problems seriously. I grant that's probably unfair but as you say - cognitively. I'm not willing to take the risk to prove a point.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

from a recent thread >> I do sometimes wonder if I'd be better off w/a female T. All of my other doctors are female. On the other hand I suppose this is a chance to work through [issues] with someone safe.


My issues in this area are so great, I imagine myself with a male T and fully expect we'd spend so much time in distrust & ruptures that the work would never progress.

Which is why I chose (and still choose) a female. Now and then I wonder though... Wise choice? or not?

PC folk... was this a factor when you chose a T, and how do you think it is working out?

I specifically called and asked for the older male in the practice (I am female). He didn't have any openings so my next choice was a male therapist who is my age... My other choices were women which I didn't want. Most of the time I find other women in my RL annoying and I didn't think I could deal with that. Men are more straight forward with less drama. I have trust issues so I think I would have some of the same problems that I did have no matter who was T.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

I have to admit, Treehouse has one; maybe the only one lol

seriously I agree Skysblue, on a personal level. I guess I just can't imagine that a male T could / would take my problems seriously. I grant that's probably unfair but as you say - cognitively. I'm not willing to take the risk to prove a point.

Hey hey...ive got one of them too. I guess there's only two then.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Men are more straight forward with less drama. .

My female T exhibits zero drama. She is calm and attentive and as straightforward as a person can get. She receives my drama in a relaxed and accepting way.

I'm happy that others can find help with a male T. Thank goodness - otherwise there'd be no work for them.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

I have to admit, Treehouse has one; maybe the only one lol

seriously I agree Skysblue, on a personal level. I guess I just can't imagine that a male T could / would take my problems seriously. I grant that's probably unfair but as you say - cognitively. I'm not willing to take the risk to prove a point.

I have one too. Actually I've had three.

[likewater]

I was assigned my T, but i relate to her i think on a soul level. I was abused by men and women. I've had one male T i didnt care for, but i' ve also had female Ts that were harmful too. In the end, i just want someone who can help me. Now that my new T and i are communicating better, she surprises me and is helping me in way that only she could. Each person has their own unique gifts.

Originally Posted by skysblue

I'm happy that others can find help with a male T. Thank goodness - otherwise there'd be no work for them.

Funny.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Funny.

totally...so some of us are doing a public service!!!

I wanted a female T. No doubt. I don't think I'd ever seek to work with a male T. I think I'd feel intimidated, uncomfortable. I wouldn't have even wanted a male driving instructor, nevermind therapist. Anyway, the only way I'm switching Ts now is kicking and screaming

[wintergirl]

When first searching for a T, I knew I would prefer a male T, but I was somewhat open. I have a fairly terrible relationship with my mother, and after working with my T, I realized that I really needed a male T at this point in time.

I also wanted someone older than me, and that's worked well so far, too. I am experiencing some pretty painful transference, but I consider it a side effect of a relationship that is otherwise helpful and high-functioning.

My story: In the past I've seen two female T's and two males. I don't think at that point that gender made any difference. Some were better than others, but I liked all of them. Now my fifth (and hopefully last!) T is a man, and I wanted a male specifically because I realized I have issues with intimacy and relationships. I knew that I could discuss these issues with a woman, but I thought that actually having a therapeutic relationship with a man might speed things up and provide more insights. Boy, was I right about that!!! Talk is one thing, but actually experiencing emotional closeness with a man is proving really revealing about why I avoid intimacy like the plague. It terrifies me, and now I'm gradually finding out why. Once I figure all this out, I hope I can find a loving relationship in real life.

[bluemountains]

I have a female t, a female pdoc, a female gyno., a female family doc, and a female dentist. I have had male docs; however, my experience has been that the female caregivers have been more empathetic.
The only female I actually searched for because of gender in my t because I felt that I would be better able to open up about csa to a female. Also, I didn't want to have a t who was a lot younger, so the one I see is in my age range-maybe a few years younger.
By the way, even my minister is a female, and I promise I didn't plan that one-she followed a male who had the position before her.

Bluemountains