Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

I need to be honest, I mean really honest . But with you being a man it will be hard. I thought it would be easier to talk to you and it is... But with even less emotion then that woman T. This is so crazy....

Dear t,
Thank you for today's session. I feel confident enough to share the hard stuff now. Hope I can hold onto that feeling for two weeks.
Me

Dear T,

I'm about to cheat on you in 2 weeks. I'm not sure our relationship is working out & I can't fully break it off yet.

Dear T

I'm so scared of getting dependent on you. I wish I could enjoy your kindness and closeness without feeling scared and ashamed of my feelings. Also, I really wish you would sit and cuddle me as well as hold my hand. Often when I'm sitting there I want to lean on you but I'm too afraid of what you might say. I'm guessing you'll want me to sit up, become adult. But I really want to be held.

Dear T,

Tomorrow I am going to get angry at you -- finally. I've been holding on to it to make sure it's actually YOU who I am at least a little bit angry at. I'm not willing to be angry with full on transference right now.

Of course I'm worried. And I know you will handle it beautifully -- I just need to experience that.

And I hope you believe me when I express my need for more than once a week sessions -- that I'm not being manipulative. You of all people should know how hard it is to ask for something I need.

Dear T,

When I told you it's easier for me to talk when we go for walks. I didn't expect you to take a mental note of it, and then use it as the standard for my treatment. You totally used my advice against me today, and I appreciate it. It means you really do listen.

T: "hey lost, are you tired?"
me: "yes" (plops on couch)
T: "let's go for walk"
Me: "mumbles" (drags self off couch out door)

After a seven week absence, I see you in a week.
But I don't know if I can hold out that long.

Dear T,

Thank you so much for today. It was just what I needed after the kind of week I've been having. I'll admit I feel a little uncomfortable about what I said to you at the end of our session... my tears deserved an explanation though and I wanted to assure you they were "good tears." For once, haha. In a way I'm glad I finally said that to you... in person rather than in email. It is so hard for me to express my feelings of gratitude, appreciation, and (eeeeks......love?) to people in any direct way, so the fact that I kind of did this today is a big deal... but also extremely scary for me. In the end though, I'm glad I said it.

I hope you agree with me.... And I think you are awesome....I am overwhelmed with joy at the difference between you and that crotchety old xT.

Dear T,

Is it Monday yet??

Why do you believe in me so much? Why no matter what I say or do are you still there for me in exactly the same caring, supportive, loving way? If only we could turn back time and you could have been my T all along... or even more impossible, you could have been my mom.

if I couldn't email you, I don't think I would make it. too many emotions. too much..

I wish I could talk to you between sessions. I want to feel the comfort of hearing your warm, caring voice telling me that I'm allowed to feel. I miss you right now.

I'm sensitive and you need to be gentle with me. When you are tough, I just want to pull away from you. Then I feel hopeless because I don't know how to work things out on my own and I don't want to go shopping for a new T.

I don't want "therapy," I just want someone to talk to. I just want you to sit there, listen, and nod along with what I'm saying. I hurt and I just need someone who is willing to try to understand and offer some compassion. If I'm to blame for what has happened, I need someone to help me shoulder the burden.

Dear T,

I don't know how much longer I can do this - expose myself to the pain of longing and unmet needs. I told you that I hate feeling hurt, distressed, whatever, because I can't see what is on the other side of it. Or I can only assume that what is on the other side isn't good.

But more than that, I can't see what's on the other side of continually rehashing this shame, pain, fear, longing. In the rest of my life, I'm doing pretty well. But when I get to therapy, I fall apart, and then I'm left with this hangover that takes days to resolve.

Why am I doing this to myself?

Dear T,
I can't believe you're not getting sick of me. I'm getting sick of me. You must be thinking that I'm the dumbest client you've ever had. You're thinking, "how many times do I need to repeat myself to this dingbat? Is she ever going to get it? She needs to re-take the course again because she keeps on failing, failing failing. I need to send her to a remedial 'how to succeed in therapy' class."

T - I'm sorry.

Oh I wouldn't worry. My T HAS to repeat key points at least three times in a row, to make sure I get it. Then he asks what he said, and what I heard. Then when I dont remember he does it AGAIN, and then at the end of session he reminds me a final time. (while poking fun at me not to get his words twisted and email him all mad later in the day). I am SURE your T doesn't think your dumb.

Dear T,

Thanks for staying late so I can see pdoc before I go out of town next week.

Dear pdoc,

...

Dear T,

I'm sorry I keep shutting down. Please don't get frustrated with me. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I don't want to get better. Maybe I just want to be with you. I can't seem to open up and talk about things because when I walk into your office, everything goes away and I have nothing to talk about. I want to contact you so badly right now, but I don't know why. I don't know what I need. Comfort, I guess. Reassurance. Love. Touch. I feel unlovable and unacceptable. Part of me wants to SI right now. I haven't done that in days/weeks. I know better, right? What to do, T? What to do..

I'm so glad my obsessive attachment to you is practically gone.

Dear T,

I realized that I get disappointed and hurt because people don't want to have the deep relationships that I want. They don't want to talk about feelings all of the time. They don't want to connect with me that much. I'm never going to be satisfied unless I don't have any expectations at all. Is that what I have to do? I feel this big pain/hurt inside of me since the session. At the same time, I feel closer to you than ever before. What happened during the EMDR? Do you know? Did you see it and can you tell me? I don't feel good.

rainbow

Dear T,

Strike 2... I have a feeling this will be over quicker than I anticipated. Maybe I am not the kind of person suitable for thearpy.

Don't let me down,
Healed.

Rainbow,
I used to REALLY struggle with this. And I learned that I can't talk too much with friends about feelings. That doesn't mean that I don't open up and let people in--I have some very close friends with whom I have deeper conversations. But, when I started to be able to be more satisfied in my relationships is when I learned to find friends to do lighter things with in addition to deeper friends. I learned about how to talk about things like politics, sports, current events, etc. (insert whatever interests you) when going out to dinner with them and I learned that I was also nourished from these interactions. Therefore, I found that I needed deeper feeling conversations less. It was soooo hard at first to feel nourished from these seemingly superficial conversations, but then I learned that I can get a lot from these interactions so I needed to talk about my feelings less and reserved these conversations for a select few people and my therapist (besides journaling). I discovered that most people don't want deep feeling conversations often, so I had to adapt. Don't get me wrong, I still love such deeper conversations and I also appreciate them more now because I have them with fewer people so I feel a stronger connection and don't force deeper conversations so don't tend to scare people off, which was very upsetting to me. Does this make sense? Lighter conversations, I found, happens best in groups or while doing activities rather than one-on-one. The first people I really did this with were a couple that I didn't know well from my PhD program and we'd go for dinner about once a week. Not being well acquainted limited our conversation topics to not deeply personal things and I have very fond memories of my time with them.

Dear T,

I am angry.. I am not sure if it is irrational or not. The only issue I have had with you is phone calls. I call, like you tell me to.. you don't return those calls. In the past you have blamed it on, being outside of the office, having back to back patients, being overall busy. Today, I called at 9am.. I know that if you don't call back until the next two or so hours, you probably won't call back. So, after waiting all day and I decided to call the receptionist back at 3:45 and say, I know you are probably really busy, but I called and left a message for you to call me and hadn't.. Please let Dr. K know that I need to talk to him today.. She took down the message.. I did not hear from you. Why? I really, really want to say well I am just not going to call you anymore. However, I can't do that. You are my support person right now, and right now.. I am not feeling very supported.

When we first clarified when is okay to call, you said during normal day time hours, I can call if I feel like I need to talk to you.. And even a couple of times after rough sessions you have reassured me that I could call if I needed to.. The times that you have called me back, you haven't sounded annoyed, you were really helpful. You said that I could even call after hours (which I have NOT done) but to save that for the truly urgent cases. So, I feel like I am following your directions. And I am not getting any response from you. Anytime I have ever called, I have had to call more than once to get an answer from you. This sucks. I don't know what to expect from you. Are you trying to teach me a lesson? Have you changed your boundaries? Have I called too many times? Please don't leave me hanging.

Dear T,

I just sent you an email that spells it all out. Either you can help me or you can't. It's okay if you can't. But dammit you need to tell me that you aren't equipped for EDs, SI, crazy anxiety, and a colorful history. Your compassion and empathy is unparalleled. Now, please help me.