Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

Dear T,

Maybe a year ago when we were talking about our relationship you asked me whether I ever wished for things like our being able to go out to dinner like friends. I responded truthfully no and explained that I understood that our relationship only worked within the confines of your office (and emails and occasional phone calls) and that I didn't want to be friends because I knew that this would take away the specialness of our relationship. We have our two allotted hours together a week and rarely do close friends get to see each other with this regularity nor can a friend always be a phone call away like you are to me and focus on my problems. But recently I've been wishing that somehow we could spend the weekends together since i tend to struggle so much at these times. Of course this is totally unrealistic, but I'd love for you to move in with me for a weekend and just always be there with me in the background - we'd be able to talk over meals and more important, you'd help me to stay on task with everything that I need to accomplish and have been putting off. You'd give me encouragement when my mood dipped, not let me crawl into bed to escape the world... You do a little of this because you will call me (though usually we talk after I'm already down and have reached out to you because I'm stuck). I think I might bring this "fantasy" up on Tuesday. The strange part about it is that I realize in thinking about it that I'm not looking for us to talk and talk like therapy session, just for us to be together and you to help me get what I need to accomplished as I fall farther and farther behind in all my professional and personal tasks...

Love you.

Dear T,

It seems like forever since I have connected with you. Seven days is a long time without us communicating at all. We normally touch base through email several times a week. I know we have gone a week or so before where we didn't communicate, but at this particular time, it is really hard for me. If I could email you, I think I would feel better. I won't do that because I want to respect your time with your family.

How in the world did I ever let myself get to this place? A place where I need to connect with you weekly? What's the big deal? I have friends. I have a great job. The one thing I don't have is someone I can talk to like I talk to you.

Wednesday seems so far away. I fear that by then, I will be totally shut down and not be able to talk about anything.

Squiggle

Dear T,
I want to stop the light therapy. I really think it is the cause of all the racing thoughts and insomnia. I did it yesterday after a four day break. It's the only thing I did differently and my brain went into hyper-drive. I hope you aren't angry that I am doing this before our appointment on Thursday. I skipped today and while I am a bit tired, I don't have the racing thoughts. I prefer tired.
Me.

I need to call you. you said you wanted me to start calling again. but I don't know when to call because if my cousins would be so mad if they knew I was calling which means I can do it at home and if I do it while I'm at tafe I have no privacy.

I really need to talk to you. I can't do this anymore.

Dear T,

I'm on day 9 of 12 of not seeing you. In the past, that would send me into a tailspin, but I've been fine. Of course I miss seeing and talking to you, but I've been okay. Your reply to my email regarding changing the appointment next week was sweet. I've been busy with work. I start my new position tomorrow. I'm beginning to get excited about doing something new, even if it is a risk. I know that is progress for me, Mrs. Play-it-Safe!!

I read the book you asked me to read, but I didn't find it particularly helpful. It basically says to have faith in God and you won't be afraid. I have trouble with that. I need a "how-to/how not to". I think I may have found it in Brene Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection". Ms. Brown succinctly explains many of the concepts and principles you've danced around; but in the perspective of a researcher. I appreciate that...she manages to explain very non-intellectual concepts intellectually...and that is language I understand!! I am going to loan you the book when I am done.

So I've been working on things during this short hiatus. I think you'll be happy; but that is not the point. I am happy with myself...and I know that's progress!

Love,
Chopin

Dear T, for the first time ever I'm kinda wishing you'd go on a long vacation. I think I want a break. But I could never cancel - I'd think I'd lose you.

Please respond. I haven't heard from you since Thursday. I'm not doing well.

I called. I don't even think I managed to tell you what I wanted to tell you.

I need to get away from everything.

I don't want to go home. I want to turn my phone off. and hide.

I just can't cope anymore.

Dear T,

This is just plain ridiculous! I am regressing back to the way I was when we first began therapy. I act like I can't make it from one week to the next without seeing you. Yes I can! I know that I can. I can do it. No problem. Doesn't bother me at all. It's okay. I have learned how to manage my life. I can cope. I can get past my anxiety. I am so much farther along now than I was a year ago. I know what to do. I can do the steps. You don't have to worry about me. I am fine.

Now if I can convince myself to believe that, I would be a much happier, calmer person right now!

Squiggle

Dear t,
I see you tomorrow for the first time since I od'd. I am nervous as hell about it, and I don't want to talk about it. please, please help me get through it

Dear T
This is very strange that it's now technically Monday and I have not had a major urge to contact you once since Wednesday. I'm not complaining though! I think it's good, but strange. Honestly I believe it was because at my last appointment you told me something so affirming and comforting, something huge that I really needed to hear, and I have managed to carry that with me and not have a frantic need to know you are there and everything is okay. Because I understand now that in your eyes I really am right where I'm supposed to be and things are okay.

Of course, anything can happen in the next 48 hours and next week could be an entirely different story, hah, but at the moment I am going to be glad for how it is.

I want to push you and everyone else away. I don't want to feel like a burden. I'm trying to be there for other people because they're upset but I'm upset too and that doesn't seem to count, it's not paranoia, I've been told I don't need support as much as anyone else because I should be used to it, I should be de-sensitised. I'm not and the day I am then I am no longer a human being, I'm a robot

Dear T,
I can't believe you left me for 3 weeks with no support, i told you this would end in disaster but you didn't seem to think it would but it has. Please listen to me next time.

Yes, well, I think I need to show you my arm tomorrow.

Dear T,
I am sorry for being such a resistant pain-in-the-*** last session. You are so patient with me. I don't know how you do it some weeks. While I am spiraling down you are calmly talking to me. I am listening even though it might look like I am off in some other place.

I don't know how to control my downward spiral once it starts. I want your help with that. I am ready to admit I have it. I can't change the fact that I have this, but I can manage it. I am excited and really scared to tell you this on Thursday. I've never admitted to this. This is a big step in my trusting you. I know we can't move forward until I accept where I am right now. I don't want to be stuck like this forever.
Me.

my face is a mess because I have been purging so much.

Dear T,

Why is it that during the week I cannot WAIT to talk to you - I have so much to sort out and YES, we're going to DO THIS, and things will be BETTER, for once...

and then session day comes and I want to hide in my quilt?

Dear T,

I love you so much, it just kills me. I live for my appointments and hate waiting for the next one. I love to look at you. I don't ever want to be without you. If you cancel on me, I will be crushed. I use SI as a way to get back at you. But, you know none of this. I wish you loved me too.

I did great for three weeks - I see you for an hour - aaaaand I'm right back to being dependent on you. Hooray!
Screw this.

Dear t,

I have been having really bad thoughts yesterday and today. I cut more today than I usually do. Please help me talk about my thoughts tomorrow during our session.

Dear T, you didn't call or text me back. I really just need you to confirm my appointments as I messed them all up. I know I do this all the time, and I know its not your job to keep track and keep confirming my appointments, but I just need you to respond. Sorry if your mad at me for it.

Dear T,

Just want to say thank you for working so hard to help me sort through all the inner child stuff I've been going through the last two months. I feel like I've graduated and come out to a new, happy, peaceful place, and it feels great.

I still need you in my life, but not like I used to. I don't count the minutes until our next session any more. You've moved out of my focal point and into the background where you belong, and that's all due to your expertise, your caring, your compassion, your empathy, your genuineness.

Thank you for helping me reclaim my life, and for never giving up on me.

Dear T,
It's been a few days since I told you I quit and not to contact me, and you haven't... I know you would welcome me back if I asked.... but it's to hard to make the first. I am sad

Dear t,

I'm pretty sure my best friend is avoiding me, and is not going to talk to me anymore. I hate this, I hate my life. I hate that I have only been out of the hospital for a week and already I feel like crap again

I hope you're ok, but how could you not be there when I need you. I know it's selfish but this week is so hard and my only support won't be there. Back to relying on me. Reminds me why I shouldn't let you close enough to hurt me.