Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

Dear T,

When I am down, and oh my soul so weary,
When troubles come, and my heart burdened be,
Then I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come, and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, til I can stand on mountains.
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas.
I am strong when I am on your shoulders.
You raise me up to more than I can be.

Here's to all our therapists

Dear T,
I am heartbroken.... I know I should have never said those things.. but you have never not responded to an email.

Dear T,

WOW, you sure scared me today!! Are you reading my posts here? Wait, don't answer that. I think I might rather not know for sure. I'll just go on from now assuming you ARE and therefore will not post anything here I wouldn't want you reading.

But WOW. I really don't think I'm being paranoid. That thing you did today... it totally makes me think you read that post I made about that very topic. It was just so out of the context of how things normally go, so it made me super suspicious. Coincidence? Well, if you do the same thing the next time I see you, I'll take that as a definite "yes, I read that post." For the record, I was just being silly. I would hate to think if you DID read it, you became self-conscious about it enough to completely change your routine.

It was hard for me to talk today because the whole session I was thinking about this... scared/embarrassed you may have read all this embarrassing stuff I've posted over the last month or so. Why was I that stupid to be so open and honest here? The same reason I was so quick to open up to you maybe. I crave a listening ear. And I guess I thought that because you seem to have such a great life, you'd have better things to do then come to a place like this. I guess I thought the chances of you actually stumbling upon one of my few posts even if you DID come here were pretty slim. I was giving away IDing details left and right though, damn word vomit. Anyway, I contemplated trying to get my account deleted and having all my posts erased. Then I figured, what's the point? Chances are if you read THAT POST you also already read all my others, not that there are that many.

So ****, now what? I'm so embarrassed. Not that I've said anything actually negative about you (have I? I'm too afraid to go back and check), but I'm just so awkward-feeling about anything I've written at all about you, positive, negative, or otherwise. I'm SUPER EMBARRASSED about admitting to how attached I am to you already and my feelings for you that way. It may be "normal" but there's a reason why I don't admit those things openly in person.

But yeah, I really really like you. I wouldn't invest the time to post here about my therapy experience at all if I didn't. I email you every night because I trust you and know you are not judging me. You've only known me for less than 5 months and you already pay more attention to me than my own mother does.

Is it possible I just made this more awkward if you are reading this? Can we just go on pretending this never happened? Maybe if I'm still seeing you in a few years we'll feel far enough away from it all that we can laugh about it...

C&D, you will have to make the first move... any good T. would respect your wishes and not contact you.... I'm sorry you are going through a hard time.

Thank you,
I'm am so afraid to make the first move.... I KNOW T will not judge me... but I do ( judge me) .. and that is the problem. sigh...

Dear T,

It's the little things that you say and do that touch me the most sometimes. Today when you accidentally used the name of my (ex) best friend who hasn't talked to me for nearly 2 years instead of that of my big sister who passed away and I corrected you then you volunteered that you were thinking about my (ex) best friend this morning, this touched me because we haven't talked about her in some time. I know that you think about me outside of our time together and you've told me other things that you were thinking about before, but maybe because they were things up at the moment it made sense. I just so appreciate how much you give of yourself both in and out of sessions. There just are no words to ever thank you enough or to tell you how much I love you for all that you do for me.

I don't know if I can contact you when you've taken time off work but then I don't know if I would if I was allowed

Today you asked me if I thought that meeting, talking, and discussing was helpful. I feel like we have finally started to talk about some of the tough stuff and it's going some where. Did the way I act or something I say convey that I don't want to be there or I don't think it's helpful? Is it the long silences? During those times, I just don't know what to say.

Dear T
I am a bad girl. I said too much today. I made too much of a mess...I am sorry for spilling out all of this worthless **** as opposed to keeping it in & bothering you and everyone else in group...
i am sorry (retreats back into safe dark curled up ball)
~me...

Dear T,

You said you'd call if you had a cancellation tonight. Please make time for me. I need you more than I have ever needed anything.

I'm seeing you this afternoon. I really don't want to, but I know I need too. please don't put me in hospital?

Dear T,

I'm so scared. I wish I could hide under your desk so you can't see me. I'd feel so much better there and safer. You keep saying my name to bring me back when I try to shut down and I don't want to come back. It scares me to hear you say my name.

Dear T,
I need you now more than ever, my name has changed i'm a totally different person. The real me is tied up and being hurt, i really need to speak to you as your the only one who can save me.
CL

Dear T,
Why is it when I need you the most, I pushed you away?

Today was really great, T. Nothing too heavy, I had the courage to bring up and talk about what I wrote, I'm pretty sure I smiled and even laughed several times. You're pretty wonderful.
PS I hope you like the writing piece once you actually read it.

I think I might have an eating disorder. I haven't been eating much and tonight after I did eat, I purged. I need to learn to be ok with me and my current weight before I end up underweight.

Dear T,

Thank you for patting me on the back when I left. It is helping me retain the good from our session.

Signed,
I need to tell you this in person because it is important

Hi,

I told you almost everything in my email. I'm sorry I keep repeating the TMI stuff. I know it doesn't bother you, though. I want you to know how I react to you. I can't help it, can I? I know that part is transference, being attracted to you depending on the way you look. I suppose it's the same as the way I'm attracted to anyone but I wish it didn't happen that way with you. It must be that teenage part because I don't respond to other women or even men that way anymore. I'm just curious. Why am I like this?

I'm better off doing EMDR and never looking at you! But then there's our connection that doesn't have that component to it. That's the healthy relationship and I like it! I don't know if the baby or child hurting is why I feel the way I do. I think my parts are all mixed up still!

rainbow

Dear T,

Thank for for being so kind to me today and not making me feel like a terrible person when I made that confession to you. It was sure hard to get that conversation going, but once I started, you made it so much easier. I guess it is true that if we will just take the first step, our therapists will guide us along. I am so glad that I finally told you what has been tormenting me for so long.

Squiggle

Dear T,
My courage and wanting to be open is starting to disappear...slowly. Why does this happen every time? I am all ready to share and then the day before t, I start to get nervous and intellectualize everything again. By t time tomorrow, I just know the anxiety will be back, I'll feel all jumpy and sick.... This makes me so angry...I want to be really open and yet the walls keep rebuilding themselves
Me.

Today I confessed to T that he got it right yesterday, when he put his foot on top of mine to keep me from getting out of my chair. I was trying to leave, and I thought he could tell there was something I didn't want to tell him. He said I was speaking for him, but I wasn't listening! So leaving today, I did tell him what I didn't want to tell him yesterday, but I also dragged ALL of PC into it, saying EVERYBODY here overindulges (food) after session (one or two have ever actually said so - I exaggerated a little ). But it did help me tonite. It really does "help retain the good feelings".

Dear T,

Ok so, today was good. I'm over my paranoia now. If you did read that stuff, so be it. You're clearly strong enough not to let it affect our time together. I'm actually laughing about the whole thing now. It's kind of silly.

But yeah, today was just what I needed. Thank you. Thanks for letting us have this email connection and for "not going anywhere." You know my crazy fears of abandonment. Thanks for telling me you know I can get better. I've never actually believed anyone who told me that but I almost believe you.

I want to for real let you know how much I appreciate you and how I actually feel a tiny bit of hope now whereas before meeting you I had none. I want to say it without sounding like a loser. Why am I so afraid of how I sound to you? For that reason, I almost wish you WERE reading here!

Dear T,
I can hardly wait the two weeks until our next session, but I am so confused about the end of today's session. Are you angry with me?

I went home after session and wrote in my journal for an hour. I pushed through the wall. it was so hard, but when I came out the other side it was amazing. I wish I could call you right now and share this. I wish I had reached this point in session. I want you to know...

Dear t, you took away my hope

I'm sorry. Please don't hate me.