Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

Dear T,

I feel like we are in a never ending cycle. It all comes back to forgiveness. I cannot forgive myself for some decisions I made in my past that are causing me pain now. Decisions that changed my life forever. I don't know how to get past that. If that is our goal, then maybe I need to stop wasting your time and my money.

Squiggle

Dear T,
I am crashing again. I am scared and tired. I just want to curl up in a little ball under a blanket and hide until our next session. I want to tell you about the si thoughts but I am afraid to. I am afraid you'll want me on meds or say you won't see me anymore. I'm not sure why I would even think that. I am terrified of it though. I am so tired of the constant cycling. I don't even know why I enjoy the good days anymore. I know they are just there for a short while and then its back to this.
Me.

Dear T,

Sometimes I don't think you know what you are doing. I feel like you are desperately trying to help me, but you just don't know what it is that I need. I can't help you because I don't know either!

Squiggle

Dear T,
do you realize i have only told two people about what you said.?

and do you remember when my ex-h said i was, and i told you and you said i wasn't and now you think i am?

i am not happy about that at all

and in fact it scares me and i feel very vulnerable sharing these crazy thoughts with you.



please remember who i am and pplleeaassee be gentle. no being mean, cause when you do its like another tiny part of me dies inside.

Dear T,

I told you what I "remembered" and now I feel like a big fat evil liar. I'm just making up details probably to explain the way I am. Or I'm just doing it for attention. Whatever. I feel like such an awful liar and all I can think about now is SIing. I suck.

Dear T,

I had what I think was a memory today while I was having a massage. If I tell you about it, it may open up a whole new can of worms. Frankly, I have way too many worms to deal with right now.

So, I don't know what to do and I can't ask you about it, because that's the same thing as telling you about the memory.

CL

Dear T,
I must be retaining something you tell me/teach me in session because somehow I was able to self-talk myself out of a complete crash yesterday. I am still not sure how that happened, but I am glad it did.
Me.

Dear T,

What do you think about when you are in a session with me? I wonder what is REALLY going through your mind. Will you start writing that down so that we can discuss it at the end of our session?

Squiggle

Dear T - I know I said at the end of the last session that I'd read you what I wrote this coming session. I don't know if I can. I'm embarrassed by what I wrote. But, it's a constant stream of thoughts, and I need to share it with someone. I need someone to validate these thoughts. Please, if I share with you, will you give me the reassurance I need, will you give me the validation I need? Please?

Dear t,

I am getting worse again, and I can't make the bad thoughts stop. I don't want to live this way

Dear T, sorry for the ranting wall of text email I sent you. I'm angry, not at you, but at lots of things, and cannot be bothered with neat and tidy writing.

I wish I were seeing you sooner than 3 days from now and I wish I'd be able to show as much emotion in session as I did in firing off that message. I hate that I can't do anything without doubting it and taking away any credit I gave myself by saying "I wish I'd done x instead". I hate pretty much everything tonight.

T,

I want to email you so bad right now. I want to tell you that I've had an amazing day that just slipped right now. I want to tell you how bad it is that I've been biting myself again that I'm scared about my ex, and my soon to be ex, and my friend, and that I was so proud of myself today but I'm scared I'm just slipping into a manic phase. I'm doing okay. I'm not nearly as bad as I was. I want to ask you why you wanted me to go to hospital. I want to talk to you about my meds. I want to talk to you about everything....

I don't want to say it, but I want you to be my friend. I know you can't though. I hope you don't think I'm pathetic.

I hate that I just got triggered and that now I can't stop thinking about how puffy my face is and how much I just want to tlak to you! Why is it only once a week when you know SO WELL that I need more right now..... And why do I feel like that's true when it's my worst fear.

T, I want to be okay, and you've been helping me do that. You're one of the only people I'm okay crying with because you don't get upset about it. It doesn't scare you. I wish I could stop biting because it's starting to hurt. I wish I could tell you about it. I wish a lot.

I'm going to stop now because this isn't real and you're not going to hear it. I'll save it for Wednesday.

Dear T,

I am having this obsessive need to google you. I know there's nothing out there that I haven't already seen. I know that if I do it, I will feel tremendously guilty and end up telling you. So, I am writing this message to take the urge away. What is it that I want to find? I don't know. It's stupid! I am beginning to freak out on you. Can you tell? Probably not because I haven't told you what's going on! Maybe a little, but nothing like what is REALLY going on.

Squiggle

Dear T

Day two of your holiday. I'll be ok. It's the ancipation of pain beforehand which is the worst part. Why don't I ever learn?
I am holding my breath till your plane lands. Obviously this will keep your plane safely in the air, cos I'm kind of powerful like that. Feeling warm inside thinking of L eating the biscuits I made as her plane snack About to do the scary thing we discussed. Think I will be howling in pain- you'll probably hear me from the sky! If I'm not talking to you when you get back, it's not an attachment crisis, it's because it turns out waxing really really hurts!!

I love you. Don't forget me x

Dear T

See...i am a screw up. Look at all the mess i made. Imagine if you saw me in person - wasted less of your time by just calling today, plus didnt have to bother everyone else in the program...Its all my damn fault and i am just SO ****ING STUPID with all of these expectations and assumptions, and then everything falls apart - because there is life that happens, and then there is me as this ridiculous wretched worthless pile of ****.
At some point i will succeed in bashing my head in. I really do need to get the courage with a hammer or something; it would be permanent, would be honest with pain (hitting head with hands as punishment isnt enough), would be destroying more of me that is bad...
Damnit damnit damnit, and you'll be on vacation for 10 days after the conference tommorrow...and i spewed all of this useless junk at you then gave up. Dont even remember 1/2 of what you said right now...i am sorry for shutting down and hanging up. (will you call back b4 you go if i leave another message? Please pick up the phone?) **** **** **** i so ****ing HATE ME, i am so bad... I am a BAD BAD BAD girl who is so screwed up and stupid stupid stupid...AAAARRRGGG!!!

I feel awful. I do not know where you are and I feel awful. I don't know if it's ok to call. I don't know what to do. I am shaky and weak. I am not thinking straight. I am lost. I'm lost.

Also, if I am still and don't move, then no one will see me and no one can hurt me.

I'm too scared to even call you. It's been 10 years.

I was 15. Would you even remember me? Are you mad at me for being an insolent child?

You knew one of my secrets, and you still didn't hate me.

I need to know you still remember my secret. I need to know you don't hate me.

I'm too scared to even call you. I think I give up.

dear t,
i went to see you again, you wern't there when i needed you

Ugh. I've been googling the crap out of you and your wife. How can I hate someone I never met so much??? I hate how she looks. I hate that she doesn't have to work and her "job" is listed as "community volunteer" on one of her many board membership bios. I hate that she is then listed on linkedin as the office manager at your practice. I particularly hate that I am even interested in her and that I hate her. UGH.

I need help. I am feeling really unsafe. Please be there for me if I call you

Sometimes it hurts SO MUCH inside that it feels like my heart will literally stop beating. Ugh. I know most of it is anxiety, but I am shaking from it and I feel so bad.

Dude, you hit the nail right on the head and you didn't even know it!

T, I know you want to help me;You want me to live. I used to want that also. Not any more. There's nothing to fight for, no one to live for. I can't say this to you because you will be reactive.

Dear T,

We're getting into a subject that carries a lot of shame and embarrassment for me so please be extra caring and gentle, and look at me a lot so I know you're with me in this. I'm really scared and I really don't want to talk about it, but I know I must. So just keep being your warm, wonderful self and I promise I'll stay with you and won't bolt, even though I want to. Thanks

Dear T,

I trust you. I'm ready to let you in on the really deep stuff. It's still really scary, but I'm ready. Please be gentle with me. You're the only one I trust enough to see what I am deep down.

Me.