Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

Your inconsistency in replying to email is a bit frustrating. Maybe this is why I've backed off so much the last couple weeks because it bothers me way more than it should when I don't hear back from you...much easier to just not try at all. Nothing is usually that important that it can't wait. I wish I was better enough already to not take something so insignificant personally.

Dear T,
Work was horrible today and seems to be getting progressively worse each week. I don't want to spend my session discussing it, but if something doesn't change we may have to Ugh.
Me.

Dear T,

I am not thinking about you. I hope I can continue doing that. You are in my thoughts way too often. You are just another human being trying to make a living. Why do I make you more than that?

Squiggle

Reach out, please.

Dear T,
I missed my app. again.. u haven't noticed... I cant leave my house, Iv been here for months without leaving with the exception to see you a couple/few months ago.. Im failing my classes, even my online classes. I cant concentrate or remember anything anymore.
Im pretty sure Iv figured it out though.... If I dont leave my house or answer my phone, I cant hurt anyone else, I cant destroy anyone's life or make anyone miserable. I wont feel rejection, insecure, scared, and I cant fail. I have distanced everyone that was in my life, shut them out, pushed them away, and its been just me for 6 months. Im doing well, eventually the loneliness goes away, I will be just fine.
I wanted to let you know that I wont make next weeks appointment either.. I just dont see the benefits for anyone If I leave home.

Ill be calling to cancel again next week

Dear T,

I'm sorry I cried like a loser today when you brought up that certain topic. I said I didn't want to talk about it but I kind of do, just not like that. I need time to prepare.

Thanks for understanding why I don't want to involve my parents anymore. Finally, someone gets it.

Dear T,

I feel very hostile when thinking about our session tomorrow. Hopefully, you don't give me a reason to snap on you, cause I'm ready to fight.

Dear T,

Please don't turn out to be a f u c k tard regarding my bisexuality. Because:

1. I don't think I can handle it.
2. You might get hurt.
3. I might get hurt.
4. I don't have it in me to start over.

K thxs,

Chopin

Dear T-Thank you for a good session yesterday. I felt somewhat connected when I was there. I think part of my issue is that I'm scared I'm going to need to spend my whole life in Therapy. I'm waiting to just start feeling better. I spent the first year and half of our work together thinking you were gonna pull out a magic wand but I know you don't have one. You told me I will just know when I don't feel like I need to come anymore. But honestly, T.....that seems so far away. I know you are 14 years older than me-so as long as you don't retire until I feel better-its all good.Thank you.

Dear T,

Am I really that bad? It was like we were playing role reversal...I listened as the therapist & you talked as the client. I had a specific plan on how I needed this session to go, but I just feel like it has gone to waste. Every time I try to be open its like you take control of the conversation & I end up shutting down. I needed to talk about how I've been feeling & I felt like I couldn't do that today. You rambled on & on & on today. The things you talked about had absolutely nothing to do with what I tried to talk about. You made me feel bad about how I was feeling. If it was so easy for me to control my thoughts & feelings...I would. I don't mean to cause my own suffering, but it seems like you think I'm not trying to change. Although I feel this way, I'm not blaming you. I blame myself & maybe I'm a bad client. Maybe I'm not ready for therapy & I should stop coming. I'm thinking about counseling our next appointment...we'll see

Dear T,
I'm confused...I thought you would be happy that I deleted your email address. Now you're telling me that you want me to put it back in?
(I tend to email too much.. at least I thought I did)

Dear T,
I know I need to talk about it. Especially since so much of the issues I want to deal with are so intertwined with it. If you let me have the option of talking about it, I'm going to lock us both out. It's just that, I don't know if I can be ok if I let it out

Dear Mr. T,

It's almost been 2 years. You have a weird look. I'm not sure if you're taking me seriously. *sigh* Am I just a wad of cash to you?

Dear T,
I am going to write a note that says "Do not spend your entire session complaining about work." I am not sure if I am going to hand it to you and ask you to help me with this or if I am just going to hold it the entire time. Work is so toxic right now but I made some big strides with what we discussed at our last session and I want to talk about those. I don't want to spend 50 minutes talking about situations that are mainly out of my control at this point.
Me.

Dear T,

You really are a great therapist with a list of wonderful qualities a mile long, and I wouldn't trade you for anyone. But. You tend to interrupt me, kind of a lot. I really noticed it today. I didn't even finish a sentence a few times before you jumped right in. I am too chicken to speak up, but I think next time I might say something if you keep doing it. That's a huge annoyance and actually a trigger for me, my dad does it all the time and you know how I feel about him

Let's hope it doesn't get to a point where I have to say something...I hate hate confrontation. This is me telepathically asking you to keep quiet til I'm clearly finished talking. See ya next week.

Dear T,

We missed our appointment this week and I think I am doing just fine. I am glad that you got to go away for spring break. I wish I could go somewhere. You know that I can't. My husband can't travel and we are broke trying to pay all of his medical bills. Sometimes I am really jealous of your life. You probably get to fly anywhere you want since your husband is a pilot. My life is so different from yours. How can you even relate to me? I often wonder if you look down on me and think I am pathetic.

How does it feel to have clients need you? Does that make you feel special? It makes me angry. I don't like it and I wish I didn't need you. I think I am getting angry about you being gone. I didn't think I was until I started writing this message. Now I am crying. I hate that I need you.

Squiggle

T

Thank you for being so gentle and kind with me today. I really needed it...and you were.

Thank you.

she's been in DBT way longer than me... she pulls this kinda **** and everyone comes running. if I did that you'd be so mad and disappointed and you'd tell me straight to my face. I know she's in a different DBT program but still? she's my friend but I can't deal with this ****. it's pushing me too far right now. and I can't tell you because you'll just tell me to be non judgemental which I'm trying but it's not that simple.

and you've told me before that to come to DBT sessions at the centre I can't be in hospital and just on leave I have to actually be discharged. why can the new girl come then? she's in hospital and just taking leave to come. how is that fair?

DBT is f***** seriously why do the rules only apply to me?

I can't bring any of this up with you because you'll judge me and think I'm being an attention seeker. this is what stopped me from being honest last session.

I am so mad at you right now, well maybe a bit at you and the rest at the program.

I want to quit. tomorrow/today is the weekend so I can't call to quit.

I just don't f****** get it why do I have such f******* high standards put on me? why aren't I allowed to mess up?

the urges are so f******* high. I'm going to go back to sleep now but if I get a chance tomorrow then that's it. I don't f****** care anymore.

Dear T,

Last night I found my Dx sheet and treatment plan while looking for something else in a drawer. I read it and started crying...and I have no idea why It scared me. It's not like I didn't know this stuff. We went through it together. I don't know if I want to tell you this or not. I really want to focus on the work I did since last session. Maybe I am just trying to control the topic because I don't want to talk about crying. Maybe I am embarrassed about how long I hid the depressive stuff from you. I don't know any more. One day I am so certain and the next day I am so confused...

Only 5 days until our session...it feels like a year.

Me.

Dear T,

You know how much I value our relationship. You know that you mean alot to me, right? For some reason there is a part of me that is mad at you. Why? I can't figure that out. I would like to write an email to you and tell you just how much you make me angry and that I would like to take charge of one session. Put YOU on the hot seat and watch you squirm while I probe you with questions and statements that make you cringe.

How would you like that? How would you like it if you started to cry and I just stared at you? Would that hurt your feelings? Would you feel rejected? Would you want to come back to see me?

Where is all this coming from? I haven't clue. Maybe a part of me really IS upset that we didn't get to meet this week. The adult Squiggle is fine, but obviously there is a younger part of Squiggle that is not okay that we missed our session.

Forgive me for being so mean!

Squiggle

I told you in an email I had something 'big' to tell you.
Why did I do that?

Now I feel pressured (by myself) and unsure.

Thank you for saying you welcome it and would hope to honor it.

I am having cutting urges again and it scares me. I should have texted you about it earlier, and I didn't, and I can't tell anyone now.

Dear T,

Thank-you for your patience and I am sorry that I have quit again, but I have decided to go with my feelings this time - they have a purpose beyond just being a reflection of past stuff don't they?

Soup

Trigger for SI:









I am hurting myself. You don't care. you could never care. You have your own happy life. No one cares. I can't care either. Not sure anything matters. Thanks for whatever.

Also, I don't know why I am so stupid.

Weird because this would be exactly what I would want to say to my T.