Not in a good place

I still feel like crap. I didn't get to work until noon. I'm vacillating between thinking T is being ridiculous and wondering if she's right. I have not heard back from her. I'm not surprised as it's still her weekend. I'd love to keep emailing her, but I said in my last email that I wouldn't email her again before I see her Thursday afternoon.

I know you guys hate her now, but I'm willing to see if there was a misunderstanding. I don't know if I can start over.

I finally had to vacate my office at work. I'm in a new role and have no office. I feel unsafe. I'm in my boss' office today. I work out of town tomorrow and Wednesday.

I don't know if I can face her Thursday, but I'm going crazy not being able to contact her.

I'm sorry you're feeling so unsettled Chopin. I really feel horrible when I'm having a rupture with T, so I can imagine a bit of how you feel.

I want to say I don't hate your T, and I understand your relationship with her is really important to you.

It seems like the only reason you can't contact her is because you wrote that you wouldn't? Given how you're feeling, could you send her one more email saying you're not feeling well and you're anxious to hear from her? Would that help at all?

Yeah, when we've felt so safe with T and have put lots of trust there, when there's a rupture it's so tough to handle. I know the feeling and it's not pleasant.

Maybe follow Improving's suggestion and contact her before Thursday. No use in torturing yourself more than necessary.

Maybe I'm being naive, but maybe it was just a terrible misunderstanding. Can you hang onto that possibililty until Thursday? Now on Thursday if it turns out to be true, then you can deal with the fall-out then. But right now you possibly be worrying over something that was a commuication issue...

If you can't hold onto that idea can you call her? You're in a bad place now, and a phone call would be appropriate.

Take care. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

RMG

I only hate her cause she caused you pain! ...Good that you're out of town tomorrow and Wed right? Won't that make the days zip faster and you will feel less unsafe floating without your desk. I understand not being able to face a therapist, that's for sure.

What are you doing for yourself in the next day or two, regardless of what happens with your T? Do you have a plan for some self care of some kind? A movie? Bath? Flowers? Something??

We don't hate her. We disagree with her, there's a difference She kind of backtracked before - that makes it sound worse, I'm sorry, - and you guys did make up before, so yes, you can probably do it again. Who knows why she keeps slipping on her preacher hat? Is she involved in gay conversion? Maybe the bigger question is, what does it mean to you to get words of acceptance from someone who doesn't feel them?

Why would you think you know how any of us feel? That sounds ... almost angry. Or a dare? Something else going on ... ?

You have no office, anywhere, permanently? You are unsafe, and that's not going to work. You must have a place that is yours, all yours. Somehow, there has to be a solution. Really. Soon.

When does she read her email? She wouldn't just leave you hanging with this, this Thursday? I don't understand why people who care ever intentionally let the other suffer pain; what lesson does that teach? Is the fact that she's your T supposed to make teaching you a lesson primary?

It sounds to me like you have a therapist whose religious beliefs and yours do not match. That's not bad or wrong or evil or "sinful" :-) but does not sound helpful to you in understanding yourself in your own worldview.

We all have our own worldview, just as we have our own personalities and God-given, if you will, individuality. Sometimes our religious views come close to matching with others' and sometimes they are at extreme odds. If you are in psychotherapy with someone of a religious bent, who includes religion in their therapeutic stance, you probably should find someone with as close a religious worldview as your own, just as you have to find an emotional and psychological personality in the therapist that is agreeable to your own?

I went overboard with email once before and she had to cut me off. Maybe I'll send one more email asking if she and I are okay and can we work through this.

I'm hoping it was a misunderstanding. I hope it can be worked out. I've never called before. I don't have her cell, so I'd have to call her office and leave a message that way. I'd rather email.

Good in a way, but I'm working 3.5 hrs away, so there's all that time driving to THINK!! The time I'm working should be okay. I'll be learning something brand new, so that should be cool. I'm going out to eat with friends after work tonight. Maybe a bath when I get home.

I think a person can respect someone but not believe in the same way. I don't believe that abortion is right, but I still respect people who have them. They have their reasons. I respect their reasons.

Re: gay conversion, I went on the practice website over the weekend, and one of the books in the bookstore is on healing from homosexuality.

No, I'm just thinking of all the responses to my thread re: my last session. Don't read into it so much.

There is no space in this building right now for me to have an office. I may be working from home some. I'll be working in another city some also.

She's a bit of an email Nazi; she does NOT respond on the weekend. She may not even read her email on the weekend. She's told me she needs her time off to regroup. She reads and responds to emails pretty quickly during her workweek (Tues-Fri). So I don't know.

No,I genuinely hate her. I have a voodoo doll and everything.

Actually H is right (loathe to admit it ). I disagree with her chioces. She did kind of backtrack before. But I think you deserve someone who stops slipping on hats that serve THEM and not YOU.

Sending lots of hugs, Chopin. I agree that one more time reaching out should be fine - just explain that you're really upset and concerned about your relationship, which is very important to you.

In the interim... for your drive, download a funny podcast to listen to or plan a phone date with a friend. Do something today special to take care of yourself... buy yourself a little treat? take a long bath? I know it's hard, but distraction is good and for now, believe what will help you get through until you see her. You're not totally sure, so choose to believe that all will be OK, there was a misunderstanding, and you can work it out. And please know that if you can't work it out, there are other wonderful Ts out there. This happened to me - I had someone that wasn't good for me and I believed that only she could help me and we had a special connection, but then I found a T that is so, so much better for me and we have a very healthy relationship built on mutual respect, trust, and love.

Again,

I would be okay if she would just respect my worldview. For the most part, our worldviews coincide. It seems that the main issue is over the "errancy/inerrancy" of the Bible.

T told me long ago that she can leave spirituality out of her therapy completely if that is what a person wants. That may need to happen.

The voodoo doll made me laugh out loud. I'd like one too. Actually, I'd like to poke her with a stick right now!

Cheer up Chopin, Thursday will be here before you know it. Go out of town concentrate on work, let this go, for awhile..just to get you to Thursday!

Here's a poking stick for you! I do hope that you hear from her soon. Waiting can be torture.

Thanks, east. I know there are other great T's out there. I've just got to try to make this one work for now and see what happens.

Thanks, Lola. I'll try.

I'm sending one last email until Thursday:
I know I said I wouldn't email again, but so many people are telling me not to put myself through more undue stress than I already have and to send you this email. I'm breathing, walking, working, spending time with friends, trying to distract and take care of myself, but I am not doing well. I'm upset and hurting. I'm worried that I won't/can't heal or that you can't help me.

I think my question is simple: can we get through this? Can you please, please answer this question before Thursday?

I don't hate your T, but I can tell you this. She is not right. I had something of an emotional breakdown back when prop. 8 was voted in in CA--feelings of anger, sadness, rejection by my community. I was crying with a friend about it, and the words that popped out were, ” What if they're right?”

I realized every negative thing I heard about myself in my church while I was growing up was being reactivated by my current experience. I made sure to surround myself with supportive loving people who could confirm for me that my sexuality was normal, healthy, and god-given.

My concern for you is that however much your T keeps mum about her beliefs concerning gayness, she can never give you that kind of support because she doesn't believe it's true.

If I were you, I would seriously consider the idea that part of her appeal to you is that she confirms your repressed internalized homophobia. Because god knows that stuff doesn't just go away because we want it to or because we mouth self-accepting attitudes. Just something to consider.

I don't think she sees it that way, and I don't mean on right-to-life. You give her too much credit. You may be open-minded but that doesn't mean other people are. I think what happened in session is, she saw you vulnerable, and started preaching. She may see it as God's plan that you are staying with her so she can save you. If THAT is her belief, is she obligated to inform you that that is her plan? Or is it "God's plan", so she doesn't have to tell you anything? So it comes back to my original question, which is psychoanalytical, why do you need to hear words from someone who doesn't feel them? What is this REALLY about? What was phony in your upbringing, or something like that. It's being acted out in these questions of faith, instead of dealt with psychotherapeutically, IMO.

definitely something to consider. I wish that I had taken more time to ask myself..."what is the appeal of this T...and is it something that confirms and sustains a GREAT part of me that I would like to heighten, or is it something else? Am I chasing positive feedback from someone who will never give it to me...and paying for same?"

I have no wisdom here....Just woulda coulda shoulda.

I hope that your T responds to you tomorrow when she reads your latest email. I don't know what the answer is but I hope your T and you will come to a decision that works for YOU.

Thanks...needed the stick! I might poke myself here in a minute...

I'll admit, it's going through my mind.

I would like her support, but I don't need her support because I have so many people in my life who DO support me...even a couple of people who don't believe it is right for them. They support me in that I am comfortable with who I am.[/QUOTE]

I'll certainly take it into consideration. Thanks, Snuffle

I don't know what her intentions are because they are inside her head. Now you know I don't put much stock in psychoanalysis; however, I respect that it is the right methodology for you and yur way of thinking. That being said, I can answer what was phony in my upbringing: everything!

The appeal of this T is that she has brought me a long way from where I was and I have no doubt that she cares about me. I'm not chasing positive feedback about the issue, per se, because I'm not looking for validation from T that being bi is okay. I make that decision. I want her to respect it.

Thanks rainbow. I doubt I'll hear from her tonight, but I probably will tomorrow. I looked back over old emails between us and she is pretty good about responding within 24 hours between Tuesday and Friday. She does not respond when she is off (except for when she was out with chemo...and then she went above and beyond).

Holy freaking s**t, she did reply!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And GOOD!!!!

Again I will tell you I do not do counseling via e-mail. You have misunderstood me if you believe that you are not worthy b/c of your bisexuality. Why would God want you to deny your true self? *But my boundaries stand with the e-mail issue.

She may have slapped my hand about the email, but YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!

Good!!!!

I'm sorry you're struggling so much with this recent rupture, Chopin. Like others, I do not hate your therapist. I can say, however, that I don't agree with how she has handled herself as a therapist in light of your painful attempt to talk about issues that are close to your heart and a perfect example of a client opening herself up in the most vulnerable way. I truly believe that one can be religious and spiritual without preaching or giving advice about how one is SUPPOSE to live one's life. Psychological exploration is about finding your own way with the help and support of a gentle and knowledgable guide. . . We might experience deep sadness, excruitiatingly painful shame or the rise of fierce waves of anger during this exploration, but those feelings should never be pushed onto us like a cloak we deserve to wear because our therapist tells us that we have sinned or have acted in a way that was less than what God expected.. . those feelings should only come from a place we create because we are examining the painful human condition.

I do understand your desire to stay with this therapist and I truly hope you both are able to repair this rupture and continue. I did wonder, however, if, even though she might agree to keep religion out of the consulting room, will you be able to gloss over or forget how she feels, deep inside, about her own personal interpretation of the bible--an interpretation that seems to view homosexually/bisexuality/transgender issues as an example of sin? There appears to be a pretty large gap between your world view and hers and it's sure hard to put that particular elephant back in the box and continue on as if nothing was said.

Take care and I hope you hear from her soon!

Apparently due to my dissociation during session, I misunderstood. I feel much better now. I just hope she doesn't cut email off. Apparently 4 in one weekend is too much!

Glad she responded and you feel reconnected.
Sorry I didn't see your post before posting mine!