Called T

Something happened yesterday that REALLY triggered me. I believed I was completely unsafe (and honestly, I might be completely unsafe) and I just freaked. Like, it doesn't matter if I am being good, working hard, doing the right thing...there still might be bad people out there who are out to get me. OMG. I know it doesn't make sense because i have to be vague here, but it made a lot of sense in the real-life situation I'm in.

So, I called T. I was in total panic attack mode and I didn't know what to do. I don't want to start seeing him again, at all, but I wondered if we could touch base by phone next week. He knows me really well, and I thought he might be able to bring some calmness to the situation.

Then I went to a 12 step meeting and it was a speaker meeting and I heard so many things I needed to hear, about tapping into the good energy all around us, understanding that we can't control other people, making a choice to live a happy life. I cried through the meeting.

I called T on the way home, calmer now, but in tears, and told him about the meeting. I said I would still like to touch base if that's allowed. I realized that I may need to get another T to work through some of this...which is disappointing in a way, because who wants to start with a NEW therapist? But reassuring in a way, because I do believe that there might be "someone" out there who can help me through this.

It's hard to know when i can work through something on my own and when some help would be a good thing. i spent my life working through things on my own, but now I know that's not always the healthiest/right choice.

Blah!

night sky i am so glad you reached out for help and that you are doing what you need to keep safe

I think yOur issues with T were left unresolved. You seriously need to find another therapist. This T has shown he hasn't got the skill to help you work through. For your own sake get a therapist.

I'm kind of with earthmamma; you can't just sort of see T, free, on the phone, only when you feel like it and get things worked through. I would either work with your previous T or get a new T but just piecing something together is trying to do it on your own and you say that does not work.

Exactly. That's not what I'm planning on doing at all. The fact that I needed to call T last night is what made me realize that I may need to find another T. I've been with this T for many years, and I know that he will help me through this transition - I have no intention of calling him "whenever I need to".

Going from so many years of twice a week therapy to no therapy in one sudden moment is a big transition. I'm discovering as I go what I can do on my own, what I still need help with, etc. and working on figuring it out.

I wish I could just KNOW what will come next, but I don't. The most gentle thing I can do is keep an open mind and allow myself to make mistakes that guide me towards the path I need to be on.

I would not attempt to make such a transition. I would work with the old T and make sure there was no open wound or infection before I moved on. It does not sound like you were ready to quit with this T.

I can see transition if the old T is handing you off to a new T, then both T's help you with that but if you have decided not to see an old T, that's like deciding not to see any other professional (your old accountant or lawyer) and you just work with the new on whatever issues you have right now. If you have not finished with your old T though, you may have trouble with a new T as you will be out of sync and working on old T problems without old T.

Going from twice a week to nothing is a HUGE transition. I'm not at all surprised you called your therapist. Not at all.

Realizing that your therapy with this man is over, and actually having it end are two separate, temporally distinct things in my mind.

Ending therapy can take a surprising amount of time. IMO, it's not something that all of a sudden happens. You've got to process it out in your mind.

Ideally, you can do this with your therapist still around. Yeah, it's our work to do, but it helps in the transition I think.

It's certainly not a mistake, or anything to worry over that you called him.

It's not a big deal at all.

If you want a new therapist, then at least maybe get some referrals from him.

Perhaps you could even consider going back for a few more sessions.

I'm kind of in a similar place...kind of a holding pattern with T. I haven't seen him in a few weeks, and I have nothing scheduled. I went into a crisis mode and really wanted to send that text, but somehow (I don't know how) I managed to refrain. It's hard to suddenly stop talking to someone you have been with that long. I don't think it's bad that you called at all.

Don't think it's about being a good/bad thing it's about the reasoning behind it. If its in the hope that what wasn't got before being gotten this time can lead to it being unhealthy and unproductive. If the T allows the relationship to continue on and off like this it isn't in the clients interest. The client or nightsky in this instance isn't at fault here. It's about a therapist that from what has been written here unable to resolve the clients issues. The client will go back if allowed if the issues are still alive within him/her.

Nightsky is the only one that knows what the real reason for calling was. But sometimes a client in this situation is so locked into the dynamic that they can't see the wood for the trees and I hope the T does the right thing and doesn't dance around it.

Sorry nightsky I do realise this is probetbly another thread that will become painful for you. But there are serious issues here I feel. And i really do hope you find a more able therapist.

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this so much.

I've been keeping quiet on this event coz I understand how fragile a person can feel about all this. I just find it increasingly harder to keep quiet.... so, here goes...all said with the intent to support-- not attack.

It makes me angry-- as a therapist is supposed to help one get things in balance or "in harmony", as one might say, but-- from what I've been hearing-- this situation came about in large part(maybe NOT all but...) due to the actions of your T. I'm sorry, not meaning to offend you-- but I think the T. you were seeing should have been more careful. You are in a tough situation not because of what you did-- but what was done with/to you. I'm so sorry for that.

I also think, when a person is in this "chaos", it can often cause the emotional part to take off with things(totally understandable-- but most times NOT helpful)

Just trying to help here-- ummm.. I recall you saying about a year and a half ago, how it was so hard to go from twice a week down to once a week... then you had said how it is workable and that you were finding that you had more time to do things with your family and such.... maybe I missed something... and you recently started back to twice a week?... (you don't have to answer that, it's your private business) just that, when someone posts that they changed from twice a week-- to going once a week, then a year later they are feeling like they went from every three days support to nothing-- well... was just wondering if you were coming from the "feeling" side of things-- meaning that the abandoned feeling is so so strong.(adding to the hurt that is already there)

I really mean no offense-- I just try hard to understand where people are at. Please, I hope you are not upset- you've always understood my intentions and I hope you do this time again. many times people get upset with me when I'm trying to help...... I s'pose due to not communicating as a little one, it didn't develope so well in me.

I hope you can get a new T., as hard as that is-- been there myself! and you get the best healing you've ever gotten! You so deserve it!

wishing you peace and comfort
fins (...going back to her underwater cave now, being quiet once again)

.. or, maybe, since your instinct was to reach out to T, there is a possibility of salvaging that relationship after all?

I see what you are saying, but nightsky feels she can rely on this T for transition and, seeing how beautifully she handled termination, I think she knows what she is doing.

This reminds me of my own experience. Last week, I was triggered by something that hadn't triggered me for well over a year. I don't know about you, but there are quite a few "domains" of life where things can set me off as actual or symbolic reminders (somehow-- it can be quite obtuse) of the CSA I experienced as a child.

It wasn't a bad trigger, I was actually able to stop it midway, but it was there. This week I complained to my T about it, how unfair it felt that I still had to deal with this, couldn't I just have 1 stinking domain of life where it is nothing but peace? Haven't I worked hard enough to earn THAT?

I guess what I'm saying is that it can be really unfair, and being safe and feeling safe are both things that can be continual struggles for some people. In some ways, given the terribleness of the childhood experience, how can it not continue to affect some, perhaps many, perhaps almost all folks in some way? And of course, there's nothing that we can do, no way that we can be perfectly safe except perhaps locked up in our security-riddled homes, if outsiders are looking to hurt us. We may continue to be triggered regardless of how good we are or how hard we work. It doesn't mean that we aren't good enough or we haven't worked hard enough. It just means that the shadows of our past continue their reach. It gets better, it happens less often, but there is no ultimate control that we have.

Be safe, nightsky. You haven't done anything wrong.

(((((((((Nightsky)))))))))))

I am so sorry that you were so badly triggered. It makes sense that you would reach for someone who has been supportive to you. I haven't been reading much lately, did you follow up with that other T who you emailed? It seems like s/he could help you find a new T since the T isn't taking new clients.

I wish you peace and love.

[QUOTE=purple_fins;2413034]I recall you saying about a year and a half ago, how it was so hard to go from twice a week down to once a week... then you had said how it is workable and that you were finding that you had more time to do things with your family and such.... maybe I missed something... and you recently started back to twice a week?...

I did do once a week for a large part of 2011, after my oldest son had started school in August, and had moved back to twice a week when all of the chaos started this year. My schedule's been pretty haphazard, actually. But the majority was 2x/week, with a lot of contact in between.

But yeah, there are A LOT of feelings involved here. I feel really scared and not safe.

Hopefully, T and I will talk this week. I know he can recommend other T's and help me figure out how to move through this.

Oh - the other T I e-mailed e-mailed me again and I can't afford her...her fee is 3x that of my T, AND she doesn't take insurance. But I know there are other T's out there.

Beautiful can sometimes be a cover for pain. I don't think anyone is saying she doesn't know what's she's doing in conscious terms here. If that's what your taking from what is being said. This can be not knowing what the unconscious drives are.

I don't think beautiful and painful are mutually exclusive. I think they can, and often do, exist together.

I think that maybe this is difficult to talk about here for a few reasons.

- I think it might be triggering for some people...knowing that what seemed like such a good T and good relationship can change, and not for the better. I mean, it makes me so sad and upset when I let myself think about it...I never EVER would have expected this. And I just wonder if it's triggering for others.

- The situation is INCREDIBLY complex, and I don't feel free to talk very openly about it here (not because of PC, just because it's public) and so I think it's really hard to understand the layers and complexity of what's going on.

It's probably not even fair for me to ask for support given the two things I wrote above. I just don't know what to do, where to talk about my feelings, how to process it. I am starting to understand that this might not be the right place, but I don't know where the right place IS. It's not with T. It's not here. I do talk to my friends about it, but they don't really "get" it.

I'll figure it out, probably with another T. Or maybe I'll move through it on my own...I did learn skills from all of those years of T that I can apply here. I just need to REMEMBER them when I'm triggered, which apparently I'm not very good at.

I'm giving myself until Monday to figure it out, but I think I am going to call T and tell him that I don't need to talk to him right now, and thank him for listening to my messages. I can be okay.

I have little doubt that you will figure it out. I understand feeling kinda lost about it all.

You are a very strong, very brave person. Try to keep us posted when you can.

You have a lot of inner wisdom.

Nightsky--I agree it probably IS triggering for a lot of people. I don't even feel so particularly attached to my T, but I do know i've always admired you, your T and your relationship together and it is scary to think it can dissolve like it did. It is sad to see you in so much pain knowing how much work you have done over the years.

It is also hard because of your complexity-no one can get a grasp on whats really going on, so its hard to understand and provide support that would be helpful for you. We can only come to conclusions based on what you've said.

I also agree with elliemay, that you are strong and courageous and have so much inner wisdom. You do have a lot of resources you can use. I can't imagine anyone in your "real life" could understand this--unless they've been in therapy and have been privy to your therapy relationship over these years.

I also have always thought you should find another T. Not meaning when you were with your T, but when you decided you might end it. Clearly whatever happened was a huge deal and needs to be resolved, and obviously it couldn't happen with T, so it only makes sense to go to someone else to help resolve as much as you can. Before all of that happening, did you feel you were ready to end therapy? I have a feeling not, and if you were triggered so badly recently, there is still stuff to work on.

That sucks that the other T you called was too expensive, but as you've said you know there is someone out there to help you. Maybe what T brought you could only advance you so far. What he did was so incredibly healing, and got you to a certain point. Now you need someone with a different approach, different thinking to help you heal even further.

Either way i think you should continue to use us for support. I know it is hard to feel supported especially since you have to be vague, but i think this group is going to understand much better than anyone else in your life--besides a T that is

No great advice but wanted to say if anything would be triggering for me it should be losing a really good relationship with a T too soon...but it doesn't. You've shared openly about your relationship with your T in the past...and what you share now just makes me feel sad that things turned out the way that they did for you. You did have a good ending with your T, and by struggling afterwards with something big, you aren't losing that good ending. It's okay to keep sharing just as much as you're comfortable sharing here. I hope the support helps a little bit.

When a T says they don't take insurance, it usually means they won't submit the insurance paperwork and claims for you. But you can still submit the claims directly to your insurance yourself. It is up to your insurance company to decide if they will reimburse for your T's services. So maybe you don't have to rule this T out. You could call your insurance and ask if they will reimburse for this T's services. Even if out of network, you might get a portion reimbursed. For example, my insurance would pay for 85% of an in network provider and 60% of an out of network provider if I submitted the claims.

Nightsky, I think it's a damn shame that your T didn't try to help you with the actual transition out of therapy. I won't question your decision to end so abruptly after you had decided you wanted to end, because as you say, there's a lot going on, and some I know about, and some I don't. But I do think it was on him to make sure you had a safety net below you before you left. Terminating with a T is the perfect situation for someone to become really unsafe really fast, and he before anyone should know that. And should have helped you take care of it. No matter how furious I have been with my T, he has never wanted me to just up and leave, but would at least tell me to talk to X or Y because I was obviously not safe on my own. It's very disappointing. I hope you can make something work really soon, and I'm sorry it's so hard to seek support here. To be 100% honest, it can be very frustrating to give support when it's really really unclear what's going on, but at the same time, I completely understand why you don't want to put anything specific where anyone can read it if they want to. It's a very difficult situation.

But, to the heart of it: you do need therapy, for sure, and I don't think that should really be up for debate, given all that's happened and how unsafe you feel right now. I just hope you find a way to make that happen as soon as you can.

I think your getting support. I don't see your
Post as triggering that's actually disrespectful too those that offer support. I for one am glad you have left this T. I felt he was out of his depth a long while back. I really hope you do find someone that can really work with you. Ou deserve that.

Why would that be disrespectful to think of others?