Possible 'rupture'...

Hi. I've hesitated to post because I've always thought I've had a good relationship with T and I don't want to disrespect her...

That said, who do I run to when I'm upset with the person I run to when I'm upset?

Forgive me for being vague, but, basically, I have trust issues, abandonment issues, and I'm hypersensitive to rejection. I've been with T now for about 15 months and she knows all this - as well as knowing everything I can think to tell her. I don't lie to her. If anything I feel I've been honest to a fault (sometimes in writing if I couldn't bring myself to say it).

I emailed her after session this week, what I thought was a pretty innocuous message, but she took something I said entirely wrong and asked if I hadn't been telling her the truth. I sent two responses, one explaining, and the other a little passive aggressive - I was feeling very hurt. She hasn't replied.

I don't know what to do with this. I can't believe she thinks I would bulls**t her like that - over something small - after EVERYTHING I've trusted her with.

What do I do now? Do I send another email? Do I call? Do I wait for her to contact me? What if she doesn't?

Give her some time to respond. She may want to wait to discuss it in session since I'm sure she can tell you are upset at this point.

if you have the kind of relationship where you can call; i'd probably do that so you can work this out between you soon

notice how you're feeling about all this. if it's different to how you reacted a year ago, when you had the car accident or something? are you panicking the same way, or are you feeling more mature, or half and half? then look at your questions again - should you wait til you hear from her, etc (i say probably). we've come a l0ng way in this year!

I have a really good relationship with my therapist too. I'm also honest to a fault. I've never lied, and like you I've shared more in writing that I've been able to say. I have never had the same type of misunderstanding with my therapist, but at times something little has really shaken me up. At the time it has felt so awful. Knowing all that she know about me, how could we have ended up having that type of miss-communication?

It's never been as bad as I think, even though it feels so awful at the time. I think you'll find the same thing. Once you see your therapist and talk in person, it won't seem so dreadful anymore. Any number of things could have influenced her thinking from the week she'd had, to her own past experience. I think you'll find once you talk to her that she does trust you. It was just a misunderstanding. If you're allowed to call or email, and you haven't already said what you needed to say, and you're not able to hang on until your next appointment, then I'm sure it's okay to try again.

And although it never feels like a blessing at the time, I've found that surviving those sorts of things and working through them with my therapist has really helped me, and maybe made the relationship even better and more solid.

Hankster, you're right - we have come a long way this year! I haven't done anything drastic - no self harm or otherwise impulsive behaviour... I get all these reactive thoughts, but I've so far managed to keep them as thoughts... I do still get into these downward spirals - things that would bounce off other people seem to cut me to the core. I start catastrophising... black/white thinking, love/hate flip switches... all out rage and 'I don't need ANYONE' to 'I'm broken, please don't leave me!' But as much as I hate feeling so vulnerable... as much as I fear being rejected... my T means enough to me that I feel I can maybe 'put myself out there'?

Thanks Nightlight, it probably isn't as bad as I think. I really hope! Thanks for being a voice of calm and reason...

Tigergirl, thanks. I think I will try and speak with her tomorrow.

Thanks farmergirl, it has only been a day... she may not have checked her inbox, or maybe she wants me to cool down... I don't think I can leave this 'til next week, though - I hate leaving things in a negative place...

Thanks for the feedback... 'A problem shared...' and all that. It seemed much worse in my head.

You can see you have come a long way in a year, so don't you think (rather than feel) that it is your trust issues, your feelings of abandament? showing up in your through process again. Relax, slow down your thinking and knee jerk reaction and know that it will be ok. It is so naturalto let 'stuff' get in your head.

I used to really get a turmoil of bad thoughts that would just keep going on and on. It took me a lot of practice knowing my thinking was some what faulty before the bad feeling went away. Maybe your T is trying to 'teach' you to believe that you are ok, you can handle this, even though it is uncomfortable right now, it will be ok. ????

Hang in there. You are getting better, remember where you were a year ago. Just think where you will be a year from now.

It has crossed my mind that this is some sort or 'test' or mind game, for 'my own good', or something... but if it is then I think my T may be overestimating my coping skills right now.

I tried to silence all of the '**** you, then' thoughs, the 'I quit' thoughts, the 'I'm never going to trust anyone like this again' thoughts... the 'nobody, not even T, understands or likes me' thoughts... I tried to comfort the wounded child, tried to be in my 'adult', tried to be a grown-up and be prepared to fix it. I txt her asking if we could speak today. Several hours later she replied that we can't... so now I feel even worse - like I put myself 'out there' again...

I feel so frustrated right now. It's hard not to feel upset and rejected - especially right now - stuff has been happening in real life recently that already has me feeling out of place and alone.

It's hard to stop the thoughts of 'walk away now, get back your power and control, don't let anybody make you feel this way'...

I know it sounds ridiculous... but it just took SO much for me to be so vulnerable with T, and it feels like a punch in the gut.

JSG I can sure relate......... when do you see yr T again? It feels risky to address this in person but there is nothing quite like both parties being able to look into the other's eyes, for setting misunderstandings straight.

Nightlight - can you expand on this? like, how is it done? I need to know and fast.....thanks !!

so when is your next appointment? she realizes from your note that it's HER mess-up, not yours, so maybe she's not getting that you are feeling like crap about it, she thinks you just want to yell at her about it? she doesn't get that YOU need soothing because of HER mistake. but WE do

I don't see my T until next Wednesday. That's why I wanted to speak to her today... I can count the times on one hand we've spoke on the phone, I don't ask unless I feel it's important... so... As awkward as it would be addressing her in person, I would have paid for an extra session before Wednesday to sort it out... I didn't want to be left sat with this until then...

But, I guess my T has a life!

As much as I did not want to do this via email, I feel like these feelings need to come out somehow... but then I'm just putting more of myself out there... I don't know what to do.

I hope she doesn't think I was going to yell at her.. I really wasn't.. I put an 'X' on the end of my text and everything!

no but do you see what I mean? after your email, she's thinking, oh, NOW I get it, so she figures it can wait til next week? but she doesn't know you are feeling abandoned because of the entire thing. i'm guessing.
ETA: I mean I can see my T taking it that way.

I see what you mean, yes, Hankster, thanks... Maybe my T doesn't realise how much I could get upset by it. She can't read my mind, as much as I sometimes think she must be able to. And maybe she thinks my emails to her were manipulative, or something...

I'm going to try and draft a sensible email that fully explains my feelings, maturely, calmly...

well and then I would wait to send it? I hate that feeling after you send it, because then you're waiting for them to answer, and that is the WORST. yuck yuck yuck. I don't want to be accused of aiding and abetting in that! i'm sorry, I don't mean to be micromanaging here! this is awful!

Don't worry, H! I won't accuse you of aiding and abetting!

I won't send it 'til I'm ready, I'll probably re-draft it a bunch... at this point I'm so up to my neck in yuck that I doubt sending another email can make it worse, anyway! And I'm trying to build bridges with this one...

Know who you are and what you meant and help her understand. You have emailed her back, explaining again and that's all you have to do. It's now her move and she may make it now or at session, whenever it is good for her. I imagine your T wants to understand and will keep asking questions until she is sure she does. She was not accusing you of lying, only asking the question as whatever she misunderstood came across to her, that way. She is the one who has it wrong, not you! She is in charge of her understanding, getting it straight for herself.

I hear you! One of the ruptures I had with my T I felt the exact same way - as if someone had punched me right in the gut, very very hard. It was incredibly painful, and I was kind of devastated, actually. We worked it out, and so can you.

I admire the way you're approaching it. The whole thing is just a misunderstanding that can happen in all relationships, and this is an opportunity to practice your relationship skills! (Yeah, I know, something a T would say ) But seriously, I'm glad you're standing up and telling her how you feel. This can be fixed, and you can learn from the emotions you're feeling about this. Good luck! I think you're doing the right thing.

When my therapist had made a mistake, she always took responsibility for it. Sometimes through talking to her, I'd realise that it was me who made a mistake. Sometimes I'd assumed the worst of her when I shouldn't have. I think I've always survived it by being brave enough to go back, and say what I needed to say. Often I'd take writing in, so I wouldn't forget anything important. Usually I wrote it while my emotions were really high, so it was always really open and honest. I think the relationship came out better for it because my therapist stayed so solid and reliable and dependable even when I felt really upset about something she'd done. Often the situation was around feeling completely disregarded or forgotten, things that are very wounding for me. That's probably not very helpful advice. If I can remember anything more specific, I'll pass it on. I think my relationship is better because things aren't always smooth, but my therapist is still willing to work through it, listen to me, hear me, understand me.

Just Some - I do understand. I really do. I know when something feels awful like this it doesn't just go away or vanish. I know that I always need to actually talk to my therapist and get it all out there before I can move on. Until then it's like it just rattles around in your head and it's hard to move your thoughts to anything else. I understand putting yourself out there and not getting what you need back too. It's so hard to ask, and it is brave. You did the right thing to try, even though you haven't managed to sort this out. If your therapist is good, and from your posts it's always sounded like she is, she will help help you through this.

I think the reason I came out the other side of these things better is because my mind really ran away with me, and after talking to my therapist I realised nothing was as dire as I'd thought. Having that type of reaction must be because it touches on big wounds from the past. It's awful to feel like that, but I think for me it's the beginning of dealing with those awful big wounds, because there they are are, happening right there in the room...and they need to be dealt with to be healed.

Someone here posted this particular therapist's blog post before, and it's always made me think of that when I've felt this way. I think it nicely talks about the way that at some point your therapist will do that thing that really hurts you, whatever that thing is. It helped me to hear it said as it's written here. http://whatashrinkthinks.com/2011/06/13/enactment/

It has to be face-to-face, ASAP. As you now know, emails are particularly vulnerable to misunderstanding. By phone as well, because you`re still missing out on that all- important non-verbal communication.

First.. it was a misstep on her part to have responded to you by email with any kind of negative or accusatory reaction. She let her own personal `needs` leak through. Therapists being human and all.. it happens.

The important thing to know is that rupture and repair is probably *the* most powerful healing interventions in therapy. Especially for those of us who suffered parental emotional neglect or rejection.

Your job is to, in an as unaccusatory manner as possible, tell your therapist plainly that what she said hurt. Her job is to be non_defensive, *really* hear you, and accept responsibility for having erroneously jumped to a conclusion about what you meant. In between all that, your therapist should be able to model for you and lead you through the repair if the rupture. When it`s all said and done.. you should be walking away with a profound sense of cleansing.. and a Much closer bond with your therapist, and an even deeper trust. It`s a therapeutically magical door to walk through, and it forever changed me and my ability to function in relationships.

I emailed. It's all 'out there'... and I feel like a complete raving lunatic. My therapist IS good - my therapist is great, in fact - which is why I feel awful for doubting her over what will probably turn out to be something and nothing... but... oww!! ****ing OUCH! I still can't believe she wrote what she wrote. But I feel like it's me that has caused all of this, because I should trust her enough to know that she didn't mean it, or that it came out wrong, or she was having a batty moment, or something... because this is my T. My T. And now I've made it into a big deal and she's going to hate me. If she'd have just spoke with me today, for like five minutes... It was so hard to hear 'no' after convincing myself to reach out. She's never been this unavailable to me before - which only added fuel to my fire of abandonment and rejection issues... but like, what? I expect her to be on call 24/7? I know how unreasonable I've been, don't think I don't know, but... Oh GOD! ANYTHING else, she could have said ANYTHING else to me... but 'were you not being truthful...'? REALLY? After everything?

I wanted to speak to her on the phone, and/or arrange another session... but a phonecall would have been enough I think.. not sure about now, I think now it's gone too far on my side... I emailed again to try and explain, but if she doesn't/can't get in touch I can't do anything else.

I know my T is human, and I love her for it. And I know emails can be misinterpreted... but we've been emailing a long time with no problems. The emails have got quite casual, and sometimes there is a little banter, but I like that... I thought we understood each other well enough not to have such a miscommunication, as naive as that may seem. I felt like we always saw the best in each other and wouldn't take anything 'the wrong way'... But this did seem accusatory to me, especially in context, because it just seemed so unbelievable to me that she'd doubt the validity of our conversations in session... I think what tore it is that she didn't get back in touch to 'fix' it - and when I got over myself and tried to, it felt like I got rebuffed.

I think it's probably a really bad combo of unfortunate comment + bad timing + triggered overreaction + my T being busy and not being able to get back to me + more triggered overreaction...

I've been in this exact place at various times in therapy, and it just. sucks.

It does help me a little bit to hang onto just what you wrote here - that it's almost certainly a combination of a bunch of bad timing and overreacting and busy T and what not. Otherwise it used to be super easy for me to spiral into "T hates me, T wishes I'd never come back, etc".

AND what you feel about what she said is still important. It's super hard to sit with that kind of stuff until session, but I hope that you'll tell her just what you said here - about how unbelievable and bad it felt when it seemed like you weren't being believed. That's super important to work through with her.

Hang in there. Post here. I hope you DO hear back from her before session, so you can get a little relief.

Briefly spoke with T. It didn't help, just made me feel like an idiot/*****/lunatic. She insists she was just 'challenging' me, because that's what therapists do. She can't understand why I'd take 'were you not being truthful' to be an accusation of lying, or an indication that she didn't believe me. She can't understand why that would upset me so much. I don't mind admitting that I overreacted, but it's like I have to take all the blame. She admitted that sometimes she gets it wrong, but that was in reference to what happened in session, how she worded a question which led me to give a different answer than what she expected - but I don't understand why she couldn't challenge it at that point, rather than seeming to question my integrity afterwards - which she says she wasn't doing. And she's upset that I took it the wrong way. So whilst technically apologising for upsetting me, it's in a way that makes me feel guilty and like a total cow, like I'm throwing everything she's done back in her face - to which she said 'don't worry, I can take it'... I don't WANT her to take anything!! I don't want to be a complete ***** to her and then her continue to pretend like that's fine. I want us to honestly like each other, I want the relationship to be authentic - which I thought it was - but now I feel like, how can I believe it is? If she's just as nice to me if I'm a ***** as if I'm a star pupil, then something's off, isn't it?! I don't feel understood anymore. It's like I've thrown her for a loop. I guess I expected her to read back what she wrote and be like 'oh, gawd, can see why she might have thought that' and then say what she meant, but no, she's standing by it, just doesn't see why it should upset me so much. Yes, I know it upset me more than it would upset the average person, but I can't believe she doesn't see why THAT would upset ME. She had to go, because she's got visitors arriving, but I can email her! She'll only pick it up Sunday night though. I wanted to ask for an earlier session than Wednesday, because it seems a long time for it to be unresolved, but I don't know what would be worse at this point - facing T or not facing T.