After my session this week I am really mad with t. She talks non stop and often will not let me speak. This week I really opened up to her, I told her about some really difficult stuff that I haven't been able to talk about in the past.
I started by telling her about my body issues, how I hate myself and how I hate being me, I told her I hate being gay and I hate acting how I do and how I out so much pressure on myself.
She asked how its feels to be me so I tried to explain how I feel different, how I don't feel like I fit in anywhere and how people always call me weird.
I told her I hate my body, and how my ex rejected me and refused to have sex right affter we moved in together and how that made me feel. it made me hate my body more. I told her how my mother makes smart comments about me and my looks all the time. She basicallysaid I have choices, I can change the way I look, I can change the way I feel about myself and that I have choose to feel like this about myself.
I got so mad because I did not choose to be treated like that by my ex then cheated on, I did not choose to be gay, I did not choose to to have a mother who doesn't love me, I did not choose to be abused. T made me feel so much worse about myself. I am so mad at her. She told me there is nothing wrong with the way I look and that I am very attractive but I don't feel like that and never have.#I don't want to ever go back to her and I am going to text her and tell her I am done with this

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by button30

After my session this week I am really mad with t. She talks non stop and often will not let me speak.

She basicallysaid I have choices, I can change the way I look, I can change the way I feel about myself and that I have choose to feel like this about myself.

She told me there is nothing wrong with the way I look and that I am very attractive

It did sound like you spoke in session though?

I would suggest talking to her about the choices conversation to give her a chance to either confirm that this was what she meant or she can clear it up?

Originally Posted by Sannah

It did sound like you spoke in session though?

I would suggest talking to her about the choices conversation to give her a chance to either confirm that this was what she meant or she can clear it up?

I did speak a little in the middle when I was telling her all of this but then she went off on a rant about how we decide our life and we make choices and I went to say something a few times but she kept carrying on with her rant so I just let her go off on one.

I don't want to go back though Sannah, it was so hard for me to open up and say all of this to her but she didn't get it. She made me feel like there was nonthing wrong with how I felt and that I had made all of these things happen.
I never want to see her again

[Sannah]

So will you look for a new T?

Originally Posted by Sannah

So will you look for a new T?

I think I am done with all of this therapy. It is not helping me. I am still sui and depressed like I was when I started

[Sannah]

Maybe take a week or 2 off and then go back and tell her what you think about what happened? Many people here have gone back to talk about stuff like this and they cleared it up and it improved things.

[Asiablue]

It sounds like she was trying to be empowering, telling you you can change if you want. All the things you don't like about yourself you can either change or accept as part of you and be comfortable being you. (excluding the sexuality obv).
That being said her way of delivering that message was particularly clumsy. BUT, one good thing that came out of it is that you have learnt this ; "I did not choose to be treated like that by my ex then cheated on, I did not choose to be gay, I did not choose to to have a mother who doesn't love me, I did not choose to be abused."

These are good things to realise.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by button30

I did not choose to be treated like that by my ex then cheated on, I did not choose to be gay, I did not choose to to have a mother who doesn't love me, I did not choose to be abused.

((Button30))

You are quite right to point this out.

But you do have choices now. For example, you and you alone will choose to keep or dump this T.

[mixedup_emotions]

Sounds like you're incredibly frustrated. Perhaps it would be worthwhile to see the deeper feelings that the frustration is covering....It seems that you pointed out all of the things you didn't choose - which are very important.

My T has mentioned something similar, along the lines of having the power to change or accept....and it was hard to hear. I felt embarrassed by the idea that I was to blame for my situation. That wasn't his intent. It was merely to point out that I have power - and it's very true. There were times when I was younger that I didn't have power and was hurt. I am not that child anymore. I can choose to be a victim or work towards integrating the experiences in a way that promotes greater health. We have choices. Accepting that sometimes is met with resistance, and that's worth exploring.

I, too, hate my body. I CAN choose to work on changing that. I tend to make excuses about my medical issues limiting my ability, or my life circumstances, etc. - but if I really make a strong effort, it can be done. So, why don't I do it? There's something stopping me, but I don't know what.

Perhaps it's something worth delving into further.

[lostin08]

button30

["Tilly may"]

It makes me sad that you hate your body. Dont succumb to that change nonsense. Just be yourself.
I find large women to be very attractive and it poses problems for me because I am a married female. Most of those women wouldnt have a clue that i am looking at them that way. But I long for them and dream about them.
I am completely flat chested but I dont care, and people have told me so, and I still dont care. Im cool with it. Its who I am.

Love yourself including your body, and your personality, and this allows others to love you. Its like an open door.
Im cheering for you!
Cyn

Your T seemed to be saying exactly what I have heard from my T (I suspect it is a common T message). You can't change what has already happened. You can't change the events. But you CAN change how you react to and deal with where you are right now. That IS a choice.

What we don't like about that message is that what it means is that the thoughts we have about ourselves and our lives and our worth, etc. are within our power to change; we are often so "comfortable" with feeling helpless to our thoughts and feelings, but T's are right; we aren't helpless. We do have a choice NOW if we allow ourselves to see it and take the risk to make those changes. That's incredibly difficult to do. Our thinking about ourselves, our bodies, our lives is really very habitual, and like they say, "old habits are hard to break." That seems to be what therapy is about though.

Perhaps talking through this with your T might be a better action that running from the idea that you actually might have some control. Something to think about.

Try pyschoanalys.

[Freefall1974]

Originally Posted by button30

I think I am done with all of this therapy. It is not helping me. I am still sui and depressed like I was when I started

Button, I am so sorry this is happening to you. I would agree with Sannah about taking a short break. I understand your feelings of wanting to give up therapy altogether but it doesn't sound like it is a good time for that. Sit back and breathe. This sounds like something that can be worked through

Originally Posted by Asiablue

It sounds like she was trying to be empowering, telling you you can change if you want. All the things you don't like about yourself you can either change or accept as part of you and be comfortable being you. (excluding the sexuality obv).
That being said her way of delivering that message was particularly clumsy. BUT, one good thing that came out of it is that you have learnt this ; "I did not choose to be treated like that by my ex then cheated on, I did not choose to be gay, I did not choose to to have a mother who doesn't love me, I did not choose to be abused."

These are good things to realise.

Maybe she was trying to empower me, I don't know but I do no it was not what I needed this week. I needed her to just be there for me and not give me a lecture on making decisions.
Theey are good things to realise and at least one good thing came out of the session

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Sounds like you're incredibly frustrated. Perhaps it would be worthwhile to see the deeper feelings that the frustration is covering....It seems that you pointed out all of the things you didn't choose - which are very important.

My T has mentioned something similar, along the lines of having the power to change or accept....and it was hard to hear. I felt embarrassed by the idea that I was to blame for my situation. That wasn't his intent. It was merely to point out that I have power - and it's very true. There were times when I was younger that I didn't have power and was hurt. I am not that child anymore. I can choose to be a victim or work towards integrating the experiences in a way that promotes greater health. We have choices. Accepting that sometimes is met with resistance, and that's worth exploring.

I, too, hate my body. I CAN choose to work on changing that. I tend to make excuses about my medical issues limiting my ability, or my life circumstances, etc. - but if I really make a strong effort, it can be done. So, why don't I do it? There's something stopping me, but I don't know what.

Perhaps it's something worth delving into further.

MUP, thank you for putting things into perspective for me, your post above really helped me see things in a different light and maybe t was just trying to make me move forward and get some power back into my life. I hope you can sort your body issues out soon

Originally Posted by Sannah

Maybe take a week or 2 off and then go back and tell her what you think about what happened? Many people here have gone back to talk about stuff like this and they cleared it up and it improved things.

This is a really good idea Sannah and today I am not as mad with her, my anger has subsided a bit.

Originally Posted by "Tilly may"

It makes me sad that you hate your body. Dont succumb to that change nonsense. Just be yourself.
I find large women to be very attractive and it poses problems for me because I am a married female. Most of those women wouldnt have a clue that i am looking at them that way. But I long for them and dream about them.
I am completely flat chested but I dont care, and people have told me so, and I still dont care. Im cool with it. Its who I am.

Love yourself including your body, and your personality, and this allows others to love you. Its like an open door.
Im cheering for you!
Cyn

Tillymay, thank you for the lovely post Btw, we can swap chests if you like?lol I think you are experiencing some transference towards the bigger ladies.

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Your T seemed to be saying exactly what I have heard from my T (I suspect it is a common T message). You can't change what has already happened. You can't change the events. But you CAN change how you react to and deal with where you are right now. That IS a choice.

What we don't like about that message is that what it means is that the thoughts we have about ourselves and our lives and our worth, etc. are within our power to change; we are often so "comfortable" with feeling helpless to our thoughts and feelings, but T's are right; we aren't helpless. We do have a choice NOW if we allow ourselves to see it and take the risk to make those changes. That's incredibly difficult to do. Our thinking about ourselves, our bodies, our lives is really very habitual, and like they say, "old habits are hard to break." That seems to be what therapy is about though.

Perhaps talking through this with your T might be a better action that running from the idea that you actually might have some control. Something to think about.

Great post Chris, many thanks as always you explained things in the correct way without fuzzy vision. I can now see why T did this- she was trying to get me to see I do have options and choices but I think she handled it badly.

Originally Posted by Freefall1974

Button, I am so sorry this is happening to you. I would agree with Sannah about taking a short break. I understand your feelings of wanting to give up therapy altogether but it doesn't sound like it is a good time for that. Sit back and breathe. This sounds like something that can be worked through

its not a good time to guve up as I havent even begun to feel better yet.

[mixedup_emotions]

Maybe she was trying to empower me, I don't know but I do no it was not what I needed this week. I needed her to just be there for me and not give me a lecture on making decisions.

Ah yes, you make a very good point here. My T tells me that sometimes it's hard for him to know what I need at a given time. So, he tells me that it's ok if I stop him in mid conversation and tell him that I need something different from him. He can switch modes. It feels kinda awkward but it does make sense.

[anilam]

I'm no expert but re that body issue- I hated my body when it was fat/thin/normal/muscular...No external change could make me change the way I feel about myself- now I think (hope) that it can come from within (i.e. changing the way I relate to my body, stop blaming it and punishing it for what had happened...).

I actually had a T who told me that I'd be happier if I loose some weight (I wasn't fat, kind of normal, but I commented on how I hate my body) So I took that advice and became thinner and thinner expecting to be happier and happier- well, we all know where that ends:-/
So please don't believe anyone telling you that you need to change yourself in order to love/like yourself. You can love your body no matter the shape and when you truly love it you want it to be healthy and treat it well.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Ah yes, you make a very good point here. My T tells me that sometimes it's hard for him to know what I need at a given time. So, he tells me that it's ok if I stop him in mid conversation and tell him that I need something different from him. He can switch modes. It feels kinda awkward but it does make sense.

You have a great t MUE, This is a great idea. I don't know how open my t would be to it as she talks so much as it is and I can barely get a word in as it is. I think maybe this was my fault as I didn't TELL her what I needed so how could she have known. T wants me to paint a picture for her this week, so I won't get to tell her. I think realistically she knows how much pain I am in but she is trying to empower me so I won't fall apart on her again in session because the last five sessions have been me falling apart and breaking down sobbing.

Originally Posted by anilam

I'm no expert but re that body issue- I hated my body when it was fat/thin/normal/muscular...No external change could make me change the way I feel about myself- now I think (hope) that it can come from within (i.e. changing the way I relate to my body, stop blaming it and punishing it for what had happened...).

I actually had a T who told me that I'd be happier if I loose some weight (I wasn't fat, kind of normal, but I commented on how I hate my body) So I took that advice and became thinner and thinner expecting to be happier and happier- well, we all know where that ends:-/
So please don't believe anyone telling you that you need to change yourself in order to love/like yourself. You can love your body no matter the shape and when you truly love it you want it to be healthy and treat it well.

Hi Anilam,
Thank you for your post
Sorry you had to learn the hard way that losing weight doesn't hep you love yourself more. I too had to learn the hard way. I have never been over weight but always thought I am so I lost a lot of weight and became anorexic and I still hated my body and like you it didn't change the way I felt.
It is more to do with the abuse in regards to why I hate myself. I don't know how to fix me and I wanted t to fix me but it is not her job to fix me. I don't know how to love me and when she says things about me never being loved or not having anyone to love me it hurts.

[SallyBrown]

Button, I'm wondering how much of your staying with this T can be linked to your staying with your ex for so long, despite your being unhappy with her.

I wonder if you think your T is the only person who will listen to you? That it's ok to be talked over in your own therapy session, and to do the *minority* of the talking, which is clearly not working for you (and I think would be distressing for a lot of patients), because this is the ONLY person who will show you kindness?

As you know, I'm not a huge fan of your T . I am all for making the choice to be happy, but what I don't like about her is that she seems to be ok with your changing being gay, rather than changing your attitude and outlook on living life as a gay woman. Being positive is a choice, but being gay isn't! I think if I didn't know she felt this way, I might be more ok with what she's saying. I also think I'd feel better about it if it had been a dialogue with you, rather than a monologue. You can listen to people go on and on about choices and changes for free on youtube. You're looking for someone to listen to YOU and YOUR struggles.

I've definitely told a T stuff and had the T, at the time, totally drop the ball in terms of picking up how big it was for me. It's an AWFUL feeling.

I hear you on the body image stuff. I struggle with that a lot. It's been hard to focus on changing my lifestyle to be healthy, and not to be skinny (I too have never been overweight but have always felt like I am). It seems similar to the question of your sexuality to me because the solution has never been JUST to be thin, the solution has been to take care of myself and accept the body that I'm doing my best with. Just like the solution will never be to change your sexuality, it will be finding a way to be a happy the way you are.

I saw your other post about your 20 minutes of therapy that was good for you, and I'm hoping that gives you a little more optimism about finding a therapy that actually helps you? You don't have to stay with this T. Just like I bet if you could go back in time and talk to your younger self, you might tell her that she doesn't have to put up with the unkind treatment from your ex, and that it's not worth it to stay with someone just because they seem like they'll be the only one.

(Also, just as an aside, as an American who has seen or spoken to many therapists, very few of them used the session to talk or rant -- don't be deterred by a T who trained here, they're all different!)

A T doesn't have to be bad for you to leave anyway... sometimes the fit just isn't there. Actually, I just left a T who was a lovely, kind, compassionate person, and I truly am happy to have met him and worked with him while I was working things out withe my former-now-current T. It's true that I left in the end to go back to my old T... but at some point, it became clear that I wouldn't have stayed with him on a more "permanent" basis anyway. There were just some aspects of his style that I didn't find helpful. It doesn't make me a bad patient or him a bad T, it just means we don't quite match the way my old T and I do.

I hope this doesn't come off as pushy, as only you know what's right for you and I know it's an emotionally difficult prospect for you, finding a new T. But I am both curious about whether this is at all like your staying with your ex for so long, and also hoping very much that if it is, you can find a way to break that pattern this time

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

Button, I'm wondering how much of your staying with this T can be linked to your staying with your ex for so long, despite your being unhappy with her.

I wonder if you think your T is the only person who will listen to you? That it's ok to be talked over in your own therapy session, and to do the *minority* of the talking, which is clearly not working for you (and I think would be distressing for a lot of patients), because this is the ONLY person who will show you kindness?

As you know, I'm not a huge fan of your T . I am all for making the choice to be happy, but what I don't like about her is that she seems to be ok with your changing being gay, rather than changing your attitude and outlook on living life as a gay woman. Being positive is a choice, but being gay isn't! I think if I didn't know she felt this way, I might be more ok with what she's saying. I also think I'd feel better about it if it had been a dialogue with you, rather than a monologue. You can listen to people go on and on about choices and changes for free on youtube. You're looking for someone to listen to YOU and YOUR struggles.

I've definitely told a T stuff and had the T, at the time, totally drop the ball in terms of picking up how big it was for me. It's an AWFUL feeling.

I hear you on the body image stuff. I struggle with that a lot. It's been hard to focus on changing my lifestyle to be healthy, and not to be skinny (I too have never been overweight but have always felt like I am). It seems similar to the question of your sexuality to me because the solution has never been JUST to be thin, the solution has been to take care of myself and accept the body that I'm doing my best with. Just like the solution will never be to change your sexuality, it will be finding a way to be a happy the way you are.

I saw your other post about your 20 minutes of therapy that was good for you, and I'm hoping that gives you a little more optimism about finding a therapy that actually helps you? You don't have to stay with this T. Just like I bet if you could go back in time and talk to your younger self, you might tell her that she doesn't have to put up with the unkind treatment from your ex, and that it's not worth it to stay with someone just because they seem like they'll be the only one.

(Also, just as an aside, as an American who has seen or spoken to many therapists, very few of them used the session to talk or rant -- don't be deterred by a T who trained here, they're all different!)

A T doesn't have to be bad for you to leave anyway... sometimes the fit just isn't there. Actually, I just left a T who was a lovely, kind, compassionate person, and I truly am happy to have met him and worked with him while I was working things out withe my former-now-current T. It's true that I left in the end to go back to my old T... but at some point, it became clear that I wouldn't have stayed with him on a more "permanent" basis anyway. There were just some aspects of his style that I didn't find helpful. It doesn't make me a bad patient or him a bad T, it just means we don't quite match the way my old T and I do.

I hope this doesn't come off as pushy, as only you know what's right for you and I know it's an emotionally difficult prospect for you, finding a new T. But I am both curious about whether this is at all like your staying with your ex for so long, and also hoping very much that if it is, you can find a way to break that pattern this time

Sally, you are not being pushy at all. I as always am very grateful for your post.
You know, I think you are actually onto something here. T actually pointed out that I was good at staying in situations that are not good for me. I seem to be very slow to want to change things and I have no idea why. I have just always been like that. Maybe this is why I am so unhappy now. Do you know why I do this?
I am glad that you pointed it out to me because now that you have said it, it is exactly like the situation with my ex and my mother and everyone else.
See, I like t but maybe she isn't right for me. She is a lovely woman but we are not suited together for therapy work but I don't think I could just quit I guess I hope that things will eventually become right without me having to interveen.
Sorry you struggle with body issues- they are awful and sooo painful. Have you always been this uncomfortable with yourself or is it after a particular event- you don't have to answer, I am justy curious thats all.

Regarding my sexuality and T, she doesn't get it at all and she tells me that she doesn't understand it, she doesn't know enough about it but when I try to explain how lonely and isolated I am she brushes it off. Shge even said last week that maybe I will never love again or find another woman and at that point I burst into tears because the thoughts of being single forever makes me depressed. T said she can see me getting married and having children, she thinks in the long run that only this will make me happy and I am starting to think she is right because being gay only brings sadness and pain to me.
I stayed with my ex for so long because although she abused me, sexually, physically and emotionally I loved her very much and it never crossed my mind to leave her or that I was worth more than this or deserved better. I only seriously considered leaving when she said I meant nothing to her, I packed my bags and was leaving but then she threatened to kill herself and I couldn't bring myself to leavce incase anything happened to her. I now can see that it was a very unhealthy relationship but I still loved her and still do but I have to learn how to teach people to treat me properly.

Thank you again Sally for your helpful reply, I am so grateful that you brought this pattern to my attention. I will really have to think about this. You really are good at this, maybe you should consider becoming a T

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by button30

Regarding my sexuality and T, she doesn't get it at all and she tells me that she doesn't understand it, she doesn't know enough about it but when I try to explain how lonely and isolated I am she brushes it off. Shge even said last week that maybe I will never love again or find another woman and at that point I burst into tears because the thoughts of being single forever makes me depressed. T said she can see me getting married and having children, she thinks in the long run that only this will make me happy and I am starting to think she is right because being gay only brings sadness and pain to me.

You do NOT have to choose between being gay and having children. You can do both.

I hope Lola won't mind if I hold her up as an example. You could PM her about it.

[SallyBrown]

Originally Posted by button30

Sally, you are not being pushy at all. I as always am very grateful for your post.
You know, I think you are actually onto something here. T actually pointed out that I was good at staying in situations that are not good for me. I seem to be very slow to want to change things and I have no idea why. I have just always been like that. Maybe this is why I am so unhappy now. Do you know why I do this?

I have always been like that too, and for me, I can think of a couple reasons that I have done stuff like this. I think a lot of times, for me, it was a huge fear of failure, and that if I quit something, it meant I failed it. No matter how bad that thing was for me. Turbulent friendships, ballet class, emotionally abusive relationships, my college major -- wow actually I really do do this a lot. Anyway some of those things bore fruit, but all required me to change in SOME way, or leave something behind, and to find a way to cope with a failure that wasn't even a failure. Sometimes with relationships, I think one component was sincerely feeling like it could be fixable, and I could not leave the possibility of the relationship becoming good behind. Or something like that. And definitely, there was also an undercurrent of questioning whether I deserved to be happier elsewhere.

Originally Posted by button30

I am glad that you pointed it out to me because now that you have said it, it is exactly like the situation with my ex and my mother and everyone else.
See, I like t but maybe she isn't right for me. She is a lovely woman but we are not suited together for therapy work but I don't think I could just quit I guess I hope that things will eventually become right without me having to interveen.
Sorry you struggle with body issues- they are awful and sooo painful. Have you always been this uncomfortable with yourself or is it after a particular event- you don't have to answer, I am justy curious thats all.

No problem, don't mind answering. No specific event for me. In fact what's more perplexing is the my parents really went out of their way to make sure they did not make comments or anything like that that might cause me to hate my appearance. They really didn't want me to have those body issues. But they came anyway. I was a really scrawny kid, when I look back at photos, but I always saw fat. People TOLD me I was skinny but I still saw fat. I think that even though my parents made a gallant effort, the problem is, when someone is (1) depressed anyway and (2) pushed hard for perfection in other areas, that kind of lack of self-worth and inability to accept oneself bleeds into other aspects of life, and don't just stay in one place. And then, of course, the media does not help. Not at all. But I had these issues before I ever opened a Victoria's Secret catalog. What about you? Sounds like your mom did not have the same goals as my parents in that area

Originally Posted by button30

Regarding my sexuality and T, she doesn't get it at all and she tells me that she doesn't understand it, she doesn't know enough about it but when I try to explain how lonely and isolated I am she brushes it off. Shge even said last week that maybe I will never love again or find another woman and at that point I burst into tears because the thoughts of being single forever makes me depressed. T said she can see me getting married and having children, she thinks in the long run that only this will make me happy and I am starting to think she is right because being gay only brings sadness and pain to me.

Whoa! What a terrible thing to say! How pessimistic. I remember when I was seriously getting ready to leave my husband, my T kept reminding me that I should not stay with him just because I didn't think there was anything else out there, and that I had plenty to offer and that it would not be the end. Goodness! You will most definitely find love again. It may require more time and work than feels possible right now, but love's out there. And as CE said above, you can certainly have a family without getting married to a man. There are SO many possibilities and I wish she would help you explore them.

I think it's a relatively good thing that your T is up front about the fact that she is out of her depth when it comes to issues of sexuality that aren't out of the box of husband/wife/babies. But, ouf. I mean, you are training to be a T -- you know the importance of empathy. Just because I'm not gay doesn't mean I don't relate to your issue of hating something about yourself that you can't change. So, it's rather disappointing that she isn't trying to find a way to feel your experience.

Originally Posted by button30

I stayed with my ex for so long because although she abused me, sexually, physically and emotionally I loved her very much and it never crossed my mind to leave her or that I was worth more than this or deserved better. I only seriously considered leaving when she said I meant nothing to her, I packed my bags and was leaving but then she threatened to kill herself and I couldn't bring myself to leavce incase anything happened to her. I now can see that it was a very unhealthy relationship but I still loved her and still do but I have to learn how to teach people to treat me properly.

I'm really glad you're trying to get your power back, Button . Your ex certainly seems to have tried to take it from you, but it really is yours.

Originally Posted by button30

Thank you again Sally for your helpful reply, I am so grateful that you brought this pattern to my attention. I will really have to think about this. You really are good at this, maybe you should consider becoming a T

That's very kind of you! I'm glad what I said was helpful. I have realized, through my own therapy journey, that becoming a therapist might actually have been a good career track for me, and if I could tolerate the idea of more school, I might even go for it now. But, I have kept counseling in my mind as something I could pursue, maybe, if I ever become dissatisfied with my current career track. It's great to hear that it's not totally inconceivable!

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

I have always been like that too, and for me, I can think of a couple reasons that I have done stuff like this. I think a lot of times, for me, it was a huge fear of failure, and that if I quit something, it meant I failed it. No matter how bad that thing was for me. Turbulent friendships, ballet class, emotionally abusive relationships, my college major -- wow actually I really do do this a lot. Anyway some of those things bore fruit, but all required me to change in SOME way, or leave something behind, and to find a way to cope with a failure that wasn't even a failure. Sometimes with relationships, I think one component was sincerely feeling like it could be fixable, and I could not leave the possibility of the relationship becoming good behind. Or something like that. And definitely, there was also an undercurrent of questioning whether I deserved to be happier elsewhere.

I too questioned this after the end of our relationship but during the relationship I didn't question anything because it would cause a fight. I gave away everything to her including my power. I am not proud if it now but at the time I didnt believe that I was deserving of anything, I always beleived I was a horrible person and wondered what she was doing with me.
Has it gotten any better for you Sally? I mean can you now recognise an abusive relationship and make the decision to walk away?

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

No problem, don't mind answering. No specific event for me. In fact what's more perplexing is the my parents really went out of their way to make sure they did not make comments or anything like that that might cause me to hate my appearance. They really didn't want me to have those body issues. But they came anyway. I was a really scrawny kid, when I look back at photos, but I always saw fat. People TOLD me I was skinny but I still saw fat. I think that even though my parents made a gallant effort, the problem is, when someone is (1) depressed anyway and (2) pushed hard for perfection in other areas, that kind of lack of self-worth and inability to accept oneself bleeds into other aspects of life, and don't just stay in one place. And then, of course, the media does not help. Not at all. But I had these issues before I ever opened a Victoria's Secret catalog. What about you? Sounds like your mom did not have the same goals as my parents in that area .

I blame the media for our body image and disorganised thinking.
You were lucky to have your parents support and lovebut I think if we have something in our heads about appearnce, no matter how much someone tells us, these thoughts will stay.
My parents always said cruel and nasty things to me which left me with a lot of emotional scars and also my ex stopped being intimate with me the minute we moved in together, this largely influenced my negative thoughts around my body image.
Sally, do you accept your body any easier now after therapy?

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

Whoa! What a terrible thing to say! How pessimistic. I remember when I was seriously getting ready to leave my husband, my T kept reminding me that I should not stay with him just because I didn't think there was anything else out there, and that I had plenty to offer and that it would not be the end. Goodness! You will most definitely find love again. It may require more time and work than feels possible right now, but love's out there. And as CE said above, you can certainly have a family without getting married to a man. There are SO many possibilities and I wish she would help you explore them.

I think it's a relatively good thing that your T is up front about the fact that she is out of her depth when it comes to issues of sexuality that aren't out of the box of husband/wife/babies. But, ouf. I mean, you are training to be a T -- you know the importance of empathy. Just because I'm not gay doesn't mean I don't relate to your issue of hating something about yourself that you can't change. So, it's rather disappointing that she isn't trying to find a way to feel your experience.


I'm really glad you're trying to get your power back, Button . Your ex certainly seems to have tried to take it from you, but it really is yours.


That's very kind of you! I'm glad what I said was helpful. I have realized, through my own therapy journey, that becoming a therapist might actually have been a good career track for me, and if I could tolerate the idea of more school, I might even go for it now. But, I have kept counseling in my mind as something I could pursue, maybe, if I ever become dissatisfied with my current career track. It's great to hear that it's not totally inconceivable!

This is what makes me mad: t wont even try to understand my situation it feels asd though she just wants to brush this digusting sexuality talk under the carpet. If she knows nothing about it, shouldn't she refer me to someone who does?
If you can share empathy and relate surely t could at least try.. I get the impression that she is disgusted by it and this makes me feel ashamed all over again, this is why I can't come out because I have heard so much hatred towards gays and lesbians. I think t is homophobic. She refers to a couple she seen on tv- this seems to be her only point of reference. I had heard that t had an affair years ago that ruined her family- she doesn't have much sympathy towards me and I wonder is this because she has had an affair but I remember you saying before you have had affairs in the past but yet you have soooo much empathy and can totally relate to my situation, You have done all the work and I think my t needs to work more on it. As for being a t, you would make a great one I mean that sincerly. I started late in life so I have full faith in anyone who wants to persue their dreams, its never too late.
tHANK YOU AGAIN FOR ALL OF YOUR OPENESS AND HONESTY AND ALL OF YOUR HELP

How are you and your husband doing lately? I hope you could work things out

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by button30

This is what makes me mad: t wont even try to understand my situation it feels as though she just wants to brush this disgusting sexuality talk under the carpet.

If that's the case then you would be right to quit.

Originally Posted by button30

If she knows nothing about it, shouldn't she refer me to someone who does?

Now this I don't agree with. It connects up with the thread about T's experience. Can T help if she hasn't walked a mile in your shoes? I would say yes.

HOWEVER...

If you are sure you want a lesbian T, that is your right.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

If that's the case then you would be right to quit.


Now this I don't agree with. It connects up with the thread about T's experience. Can T help if she hasn't walked a mile in your shoes? I would say yes.

HOWEVER...

If you are sure you want a lesbian T, that is your right.

That is absolutely true CE, it does connect up wit that thread and I don't believe that a T has to have been in a situation to understand but a little bit of empathy would be nice now