[precious things]

I am struggling terribly at the moment. My head and the internal thoughts and fears I struggle with are suffocating me. My family dynamics are a complete mess and I am isolated from the very few people I have in my life. My spouse says nothing when I break down and say I feel I cant go on. I ask, on a human level (forget love and marriage) how he can not even offer a sympathetic touch on the arm, or an "its okay" and he responds with "you knew I was this way when you married me so why are you expecting me to comfort you now."

I am so low and miserable. I don't see my T until next week and things are so new between us I don't want to or even know how to go in and say how hopeless and messy everything is. I haven't eaten all day and this is dangerous ground with my eating disorder, one day leads to another and another...

I feel that my problems are too much, that going to therapy is just like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. I really like the new T and already, in just a couple of sessions there have been some thoughtful comments made on his part, but for the life of me I cant remember a damn thing that was said that gave me hope.

just sad, stuck, and very unhappy..

[Nightlight]

Sometimes all the bad things happen at once and it's so awful and overwhelming. I really relate to that. Sometimes there's no one to step in and help a little when we most need it, and that can be really hard. You've done something to help yourself in the middle of this mess. You've reached out here. Can you force yourself to keep doing little things like that to make things better for yourself? I know it's so hard and sometimes the last thing you want to do, and it doesn't feel like it will help much, but those little things matter. You realise how bad not eating is for you. Do you think you can take care of yourself in that way today by stopping and having something to eat? Even if it's just a piece of fruit, or some juice, or a little snack. Something would be better than nothing.

I started therapy in the most horrific place. I was barely clinging onto life. I changed so much with the help of therapy, even though I never thought any of it was possible (because my whole life was one big disaster). Sometimes from the middle of it all, you can't see what's possible, or why it's even worth trying. It is worth trying. You are worth it. Hang in there!

[photostotake]

I'm sorry you're hurting so badly right now, but you've taken an important step by reaching out.

I may be the last person to offer suggestions when it comes to eating right now, but I'm trying really hard to listen to everyone else when they're telling me just how important it is and you should to. I know how hard it is to quiet those ED voices, but you need to before things quickly get out of control. If you're able to drink a nutritional shake, that would be better than nothing at all. Just don't stop eating entirely. Please.

Contact your T if you're able to before next week if you think it would help. He sounds like he's been pretty supportive already which is wonderful. It's perfectly okay to not remember what he's said about giving you some hope. When your feeling stuck where you are, thats bound to happen. Heck, I'm in the same boat as you right now. I feel like I'm just hanging in there myself most days. PM me if you'd like to. I know just how you feel.

["Tilly may"]

let me hug you, let us support you. hang in there sweetie

[precious things]

Originally Posted by Nightlight

Sometimes all the bad things happen at once and it's so awful and overwhelming. I really relate to that. Sometimes there's no one to step in and help a little when we most need it, and that can be really hard. You've done something to help yourself in the middle of this mess. You've reached out here. Can you force yourself to keep doing little things like that to make things better for yourself? I know it's so hard and sometimes the last thing you want to do, and it doesn't feel like it will help much, but those little things matter. You realise how bad not eating is for you. Do you think you can take care of yourself in that way today by stopping and having something to eat? Even if it's just a piece of fruit, or some juice, or a little snack. Something would be better than nothing.

I started therapy in the most horrific place. I was barely clinging onto life. I changed so much with the help of therapy, even though I never thought any of it was possible (because my whole life was one big disaster). Sometimes from the middle of it all, you can't see what's possible, or why it's even worth trying. It is worth trying. You are worth it. Hang in there!

I am really just moved by the kindness and compassion of your response. Thank you. I feel like you really understood me. I think its pretty amazing how much therapy has helped you on your journey, I hope this is finally the time I am able to put myself back together in my new therapy- I don't have much inner fortitude left in me.

[precious things]

Originally Posted by photostotake

I'm sorry you're hurting so badly right now, but you've taken an important step by reaching out.

I may be the last person to offer suggestions when it comes to eating right now, but I'm trying really hard to listen to everyone else when they're telling me just how important it is and you should to. I know how hard it is to quiet those ED voices, but you need to before things quickly get out of control. If you're able to drink a nutritional shake, that would be better than nothing at all. Just don't stop eating entirely. Please.

Contact your T if you're able to before next week if you think it would help. He sounds like he's been pretty supportive already which is wonderful. It's perfectly okay to not remember what he's said about giving you some hope. When your feeling stuck where you are, thats bound to happen. Heck, I'm in the same boat as you right now. I feel like I'm just hanging in there myself most days. PM me if you'd like to. I know just how you feel.

Thank you- I know how hard you are struggling now and I have been thinking about your situation. I don't feel comfortable contacting new T between sessions yet, maybe if I had been going a few months I would but I just have way to much self-doubt and am such a ball of insecurity I would be afraid of crossing a boundary that may be there that I am not aware of.

[WikidPissah]

Sorry that things are so difficult right now for you. Some people find it helpful to keep a t journal of sorts and record the thoughts and hard feelings that happen between appointments. It may be helpful to talk to t next time you see him and ask what sort of things you can do in between. The in between is difficult for all of us, but I find posting here to be helpful.

[precious things]

I was actually given an assignment to write something out for him, and of course I completely blanked out what he wanted me to do. Everything just feels so hopeless and unbearable at the moment that I don't even want to experience these feelings on paper.

[Nightlight]

It won't be like that forever, but I know how hard it is to hang on in the mean time. Writing brings up big feelings for me too. Maybe you need to work on how to manage in the in between time before you turn to writing?

Early on in therapy, my T asked me to notice five positive things each day. Ridiculous right, five? She obviously noticed my face and told me to notice three things. At that point there was nothing. The things I eventually noticed, even if only one each day (at best) felt like they were lies (because they didn't make me happy and they didn't seem very positive), but I tried to notice them anyway. They were things that once made me happy. A sunny day, a cat sitting on my lap purring, someone smiling at me, time outside on my own, all really little things. It was a long time before they became positive things again, but sometimes doing the little things like that are really important. Even if you have to force yourself to do whatever little positive things you need to do, even if it seems pointless, I really think it's worth doing.

I can hear how much pain you're in. I really recognise it and I still move in and out of it often now, but it's not like before, when that was all there was left in my life. But you know what, things can be really, really bad and we can still hold on and make it out the other side. When other people feel something similar to what we know so well, it's something we can really see and understand. The people who can understand, reach out and help others are valuable (as in, what you said in reply to me made me feel heard and understood when I've been struggling with feeling invisible). I don't think even my T really gets this level of pain. So do look after yourself. You are worth it and things will get better.

[precious things]

Originally Posted by Nightlight

It won't be like that forever, but I know how hard it is to hang on in the mean time. Writing brings up big feelings for me too. Maybe you need to work on how to manage in the in between time before you turn to writing?

Early on in therapy, my T asked me to notice five positive things each day. Ridiculous right, five? She obviously noticed my face and told me to notice three things. At that point there was nothing. The things I eventually noticed, even if only one each day (at best) felt like they were lies (because they didn't make me happy and they didn't seem very positive), but I tried to notice them anyway. They were things that once made me happy. A sunny day, a cat sitting on my lap purring, someone smiling at me, time outside on my own, all really little things. It was a long time before they became positive things again, but sometimes doing the little things like that are really important. Even if you have to force yourself to do whatever little positive things you need to do, even if it seems pointless, I really think it's worth doing.

I can hear how much pain your in. I really recognise it and I still move in and out of it often now, but it's not like before, when that was all there was left in my life. But you know what, things can be really, really bad and we can still hold on and make it out the other side. When other people feel something similar to what we know so well, it's something we can really see and understand. The people who can understand, reach out and help others are valuable. I don't think even my T really gets this level of pain. So do look after yourself. You are worth it and things will get better.

What a lovely soul you are, I greatly appreciate what you wrote. I do understand what you are saying and in many ways, I already seek those momentary joys in the simplicity of a song, a tree, a sunrise. The feeling is always followed by immediate sadness, that I cant somehow internalize the beauty of life. That I am missing out and am bound to my inner hell. I guess, I've never learned how to allow good feelings to linger in me, if I am even really capable of experiencing them. I suppose my eating disorder is the way in which I have been managing all of my feelings- when I begin to feel I purge, when I am overwhelmed, I restrict and try and shut it all down. I just want to curl up and hide from the world, though I don't have that luxury. I am the outcast in my house, and as a wife and mother, that is a tough place to be in, day in and out. The only thing that keeps me going are my children, and when I feel I am failing in that department, what is the point of my being? Im sorry, this is all so negative...I do appreciate your thoughts and insight.

Yes I had that arranging deck chair feeling often. Funny how once im actually in the room with T though I notice a life boat out of the corner of my eye and hope springs again. Sorry things are rough for you at the moment.

[Nightlight]

I hope this new T relationship will be the beginning of the change that you need in your life. It's hard because it can be slow in the beginning, but if it helped me, as incapable of change as I've always been, anything is possible.

And when you're feeling so awful, you get to say the negative things. Sometimes we just need someone to hear. It's awfully heavy to carry it all alone all the time.

I am glad you are reaching out to the forum, this is a great place for support. I am sorry that things are feeling so hopeless right now, but you must put a little gas in the tank to keep the car running. A little nourishment for the body can help to brighten your spirit. I am sorry your H is not being helpful , I am flabbergasted at his comment.... speechless As for T reach out and be honest, they can't help fix things if we don't level with them. You are the mother and that gives you power, it is your house too and you shouldn't feel like an outcast in your own home. You should feel safe and comfortable in your home. Keep posting, someone here will always listen and give you feed back!

[precious things]

Thank you Lola- it is affirming to hear that. I think that because I am the one who struggles with my mental health the power shifts to my husband. My ultimate hope is that when I am stronger internally, I can do something more to better my situation on the homefront. Of course, this seems very abstract and daunting, especially during these times. Do I fix the mess in my life or the mess in my head? At this point, I want to fix the mess in my head but it is hard when there is friction between the two worlds. A kind word from him, while certainly wouldn't fix things, would do far less damage than the silence.

Originally Posted by precious things

Do I fix the mess in my life or the mess in my head? At this point, I want to fix the mess in my head but it is hard when there is friction between the two worlds. A kind word from him, while certainly wouldn't fix things, would do far less damage than the silence.

Have you told him that.... you can catch more flies with honey? And no matter if you knew he wasn't into comforting or not when you married him, he said the whole for better or worse thing. He can bite the bullet and go through the motions if it will help you, after all you are the one who actually GAVE birth.... ugg , non supportive spouses really get my goat. ok..... I'm breathing..... I think both messes are equally important and ultimately tied together.

[precious things]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Have you told him that.... you can catch more flies with honey? And no matter if you knew he wasn't into comforting or not when you married him, he said the whole for better or worse thing. He can bite the bullet and go through the motions if it will help you, after all you are the one who actually GAVE birth.... ugg , non supportive spouses really get my goat. ok..... I'm breathing..... I think both messes are equally important and ultimately tied together.

Yes, and you would cringe if you knew how completely devoid of support my H is. He is too caught up in his own hurt and anger with me to step aside and take a compassionate approach. He is, extremely and pathologically passive aggressive (if I ask for help and support so that I can improve our situation, the blame is put to me for not telling him exactly what to say or do). He has seen me starve myself down to a skeletal state and the best he could say "what do you want me to do?" I told him plainly and truthfully that I have been purging daily for over 20 years and he responded with " you should stop that before you do damage." then changed the subject. A week later I asked why he left it at that, he said because he knows there is nothing he can say that will help or change things.

My problems began long before him, but it is very hard to struggle without basic compassion from the person I live with. I feel more supported in this thread than I have in my decade long marriage. I know I am completely emotionally on my own, I always have been and probably always will be. Its just the dark hours are made darker knowing I am so poor in the self-care department, yet that is all I have...and thus, I turn to my disorder for comfort.

I don't have an ED unless you count the fact that food and I have had a torrid love/hate relationship for years..I love it and it hate me being skinny. But I have read it has to do with control. I get that as I have my own demons when it comes to having control and I suck at self care too. However, I have learned as of late that we do no one any good (including ourselves) if we aren't alive and physically able to participate in life. Have you thought about marriage counseling? Perhaps a detailed list of things your H could do to comfort you.... he can't argue with a manuscript.

[precious things]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I don't have an ED unless you count the fact that food and I have had a torrid love/hate relationship for years..I love it and it hate me being skinny. But I have read it has to do with control. I get that as I have my own demons when it comes to having control and I suck at self care too. However, I have learned as of late that we do no one any good (including ourselves) if we aren't alive and physically able to participate in life. Have you thought about marriage counseling? Perhaps a detailed list of things your H could do to comfort you.... he can't argue with a manuscript.

Ha- I love your last line. I don't know about marriage counseling but my new T is a specialist in eating disorders and marriage therapy (written books, teaches on the subject, etc). I actually feel like I hit the jackpot in terms of Ts qualifications and my current predicament.

[photostotake]

Originally Posted by precious things

Thank you- I know how hard you are struggling now and I have been thinking about your situation. I don't feel comfortable contacting new T between sessions yet, maybe if I had been going a few months I would but I just have way to much self-doubt and am such a ball of insecurity I would be afraid of crossing a boundary that may be there that I am not aware of.

I can understand not wanting to contact your T between sessions. I've been seeing my T since April and I'm not even at that point myself either. I know there is a no email rule, but beyond that, I have no idea what between sessions boundaries he has. I journal a lot just to get those feelings out somewhere. I do have a few people that I can turn to for support, but only one of them are in person besides my DH. I know i should have more people than that to support me, but I'm so embarrassed and ashamed about my ED that I just can't. Too humiliating. I'd rather run far away or disappear than tell anyone else at this point.

Originally Posted by precious things

I don't know about marriage counseling but my new T is a specialist in eating disorders and marriage therapy (written books, teaches on the subject, etc). I actually feel like I hit the jackpot in terms of Ts qualifications and my current predicament.

I wish that I had your T and mine combined. I love my T, but he isn't an ED specialist. My DH and I are going to be starting to see a marriage counselor starting next month. After 5 years of dealing with major health issues for me, it has put a strain on our marriage. And now this. I'd give anything in the world for my T to be able to handle it all, but I know that isn't possible. He did say he'd be by my side every step of the way even if I end up at an ED clinic, and I am so grateful for that!!

for you. I wish that your DH could be more supportive. For better or worse. In sickness and in health. Sounds like he needs to be reminded about the vows you took together. If you need anything, please let me know. We can do this.

[precious things]

For all my ups and downs with my eating disorder, I have no one outside of my husband, MD and now T who know...there are people who knew when I was anorexic because it became too difficult to hide but no one knows the depths of my struggles or that I still battle it daily. I have always been too scared to go into treatment for it and one reason is the shame and the sense that I can pull through it on my own. I hate being older with what so many people view as a teenage disease.

My last T couldn't handle my disorder when it got really bad last year. I knew I needed someone who seriously understood them inside and out (not saying that is what you need, had old T been supportive and stood by my side I might have stuck it out but I really felt like my physical health was again in jeopardy). This new T still sees patients who are inpatient as well. Even though I've only had a few appts, I don't feel like I have to explain every detail of the disorder, I know he gets it and that is a great relief as I obviously have lots of areas of my life I need to bring him up to speed on. Its also what scares the hell out of me about this therapist--he's already challenging my disorder in a way that I know badly needs to happen, but makes me anxious---like, am I really ready to give this up?

Originally Posted by precious things

-like, am I really ready to give this up?

There comes a time that all things must end, maybe this is the time and you are scarred? It's ok to be scarred when making changes, but these changes need to happen.

[precious things]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

There comes a time that all things must end, maybe this is the time and you are scarred? It's ok to be scarred when making changes, but these changes need to happen.

scarred- is that a Freudian slip, lola

I am scared...when my inner world and outer world come crashing around me I run to my eating disorder, giving that up means facing many painful realities about myself and years of buried emotional turmoil that I guess I have been trying to purge or starve away. I have a hard time believing its possible to be free of it and come out alive on the other end, but new T seems to think we can create a safe place for it all to come out.

I just cant spell. You know its time.

[photostotake]

Originally Posted by precious things

For all my ups and downs with my eating disorder, I have no one outside of my husband, MD and now T who know...there are people who knew when I was anorexic because it became too difficult to hide but no one knows the depths of my struggles or that I still battle it daily. I have always been too scared to go into treatment for it and one reason is the shame and the sense that I can pull through it on my own. I hate being older with what so many people view as a teenage disease.

My last T couldn't handle my disorder when it got really bad last year. I knew I needed someone who seriously understood them inside and out (not saying that is what you need, had old T been supportive and stood by my side I might have stuck it out but I really felt like my physical health was again in jeopardy). This new T still sees patients who are inpatient as well. Even though I've only had a few appts, I don't feel like I have to explain every detail of the disorder, I know he gets it and that is a great relief as I obviously have lots of areas of my life I need to bring him up to speed on. Its also what scares the hell out of me about this therapist--he's already challenging my disorder in a way that I know badly needs to happen, but makes me anxious---like, am I really ready to give this up?

I know exactly what you're talking about. I turn 40 this coming May and I feel too old to be experiencing this at my age. I've always thought it to be a young persons illness and of course that's not true. And to be honest, I've been dealing with it for over 20 years already- it's just that I've always gotten it back under control on my own. The loss of control that I'm feeling after admitting it to my T this past December, has been overwhelming. Especially because a big part of my ED is that I turn to it when I need to feel like I need control of something in my life. Feeling like I've been in a tailspin for over two months now.

It's been over 20 years of my ED, but it's never been obvious until the last couple of years. I've lost 86 pounds now in the last 2 years. 30 were lost to a severe infection in under 1 month, which then triggered a huge episode for me. But eventually I got it back under control. Now I am underweight and those that know (my dh and T) say that it is obvious by looking at me. My DH says others have commented, but he won't tell me who. Kinda scary to think about, but my T and I are working on it.

My T is working on getting me to admit that I need more help than he is able to give me. This isn't his specialty, but he'll still work on my other mental health issues with me at the same time. The next step is an assessment at an ED clinic. He doesn't want me to wait too long that it becomes an emergency, but it needs to be done soon. Rationally I understand that, it just terrifies me to no end. I'm like you, I don't want it challenged. The anxiety I have with all of this is so powerful, I need to work through it so that I see that I need more help. Food is not my enemy. Food is my fuel to make my body and mind healthy. I'm writing this, but I just can't get myself to believe it.

Sending you more hugs. This is just so hard. We can get through this, I know we can. We have to start listening to some of the great advice offered to us.

[precious things]

Trigger Warning- mentions blood, graphic



I have been restricting quite a bit the past few days and tonight I ate with the intent to purge. In the middle I notice blood dripping down my hands. I've had small amounts of blood before when purging but this was more than that. It freaked me out but, and here is the insane part i could not stop until I knew every last bit of food was out. Why wouldn't I take care of myself and stop there? I'm okay now, I know if it was a serious I wouldn't be here typing this out. I have T tomorrow night and am scared to bring this incident up. I already have been struggling with feeling so low this past week that I don't want this to sidetrack everything else. I am hating myself at the moment for making things worse for myself.