[Asiablue]

I have just went thru the most traumatic break-up with my beloved therapist. I haven't been able to write about it here until now. I think we both recognised that my needs were greater than what she could safely provide. And i now have a new therapist more suited (hopefully) to my needs whom i have seen twice and seems ok.

Termination has been awful. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. The feelings of immense loss and grief and betrayal sometimes threaten to drown me. She was such a big part of my life for 18 months, i loved her and she provided something for me that i didn't get growing up. Stability, caring, listening, supporting etc. But the boundaries were messed up from early on, we became more like friends almost at one point. I think she felt uncomfortable with that and tried to pull the boundaries back to where they should have been and that triggered an abandonment response in me and things got messy.

She says we can't stay in touch in the future. It's like a death. It hurts so much.

Can anyone relate to this and tell me how they got over feeling so awful about termination?

[Dreamy01]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I understand how very awful the pain is. When me and my former T ended I honestly thought I was going to die. I'd been struggling with her approach for some time and had almost decided to end things but then she had to leave for her own personal reasons (nothing to do with me or agency) so the decision was made for me, even though it was the right one.

I got through it by working through it. That was the only thing I could do. I cried when I needed to. It helped to talk to current T about it. Like you I couldn't keep in touch with former T either but in the long run that was probably a good thing for it would have prevented me from moving on properly. I have sent two Christmas cards since though and she has responded, but I needed the time after ending to work through my grief and let go.

I won't lie - it's agony. But it does get easier in its own time. Grief is different for everyone but the only real universal truth is that feeling the pain is necessary. It hurts but it won't destroy you - you will survive it. One day you'll look back at your relationship with t and feel all the wonderful things. You won't just feel the loss. I never thought I'd get over it but I have. I loved former T so much and had never felt such a connection with anyone. I probably never will. She cared so much about me too and even wrote me several pages of stuff so that I could remember that. It was months before I could even read it but now I look through it and feel grateful to have known her. It was two years ago now and I don't feel grief anymore, just the occasional sadness when times are hard.

Hang in there. Hugs.

[Asiablue]

Dreamy thanks so much for your reply. I can tell by what you wrote that you know exactly what i'm going thru.

Some days are better than others and on the whole i'm doing better with it than i expected. but when the grief washes over me, it catches my breath, my heart feel like it has a hole in it and i just don't know how to console myself.
The best way to describe the feeling is like when someone dies and there's an ache and piece of you missing and you'd do anything to bring them back but it's impossible.

How is she able to do this. Just walk away so easily? Well, i'm not sure it is easy for her either judging by what she's said. But she's doing it anyway.

[precious things]

I know its hard but reminding yourself that life is a journey and your time with her was part of that journey. Appreciate the good that came from that interaction and know that your path and doesn't end with this termination. Time and being able to work with the new T will help.

[Asiablue]

You're right precious things. I think i just fear feeling sadness. And it coincides with feelings i have about when my mother left me.

[Fixated]

Sorry this is happening. I've never yet experienced this with a T (although I might be soon). The best I can offer is leaning on other support in your life and us here on PC. It sucks. You have every right to rage/cry/whatever.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

You're right precious things. I think i just fear feeling sadness. And it coincides with feelings i have about when my mother left me.

In my experience, even small losses can get chained together, like a magician's scarf, and feel really really big. It is a big loss for you, and I'm sorry that you have to go through it. But on the up side, when I have gone through grief and come out the other side, it is more bittersweet than bitter. I am grateful for having had this person in my life and for what I learned from them. It is really true what they say at most funerals, that we carry people with us, or as the poet cummings wrote:

here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

[Dreamy01]

Yes I also experienced the grief in waves and the sensation of needing to catch my breath. I know what the desperate ache is like and missing T so much it's impossible to put into words. I remember when current T asked what I missed about former T and I said 'Just the connection...I don't know what else to say' and she replied 'There's really nothing else to say.' For months and months I'd have given up my entire life to be back with former T and not have to move on. I missed her more than I did my ex husband when we split up simply because I had never experienced such a connection with anyone else.

I wonder if your T has walked away easily? I know mine didn't. One consolation for me was that she was grieving too and she told me so. If you had a good relationship the chances are she will miss you badly too. It's not all one way - we have an affect on our ts.

I really feel for you as it was the worst time of my life (well nearly) when I ended with t. But skipping to two years later, I can look back and feel pretty damm proud that I survived a 'good' ending, one that was healthy and I faced head on rather than pretended I didn't care. It hurts like hell now but you will come through it, I feel sure. Feel the emotions, even if you can't console yourself let the tears come and know you won't cry forever because grief knows what it is doing. I know this might sound a bit silly but our emotions are intelligent and if felt fully they run their course. That is why grief comes in waves - it's our body's way of managing the emotions in the best way possible. Otherwise we'd be in a far worse state.

As Anne said, losses do accumulate so you may find yourself grieving other losses too. I found the same. It does ease in time. Hold onto the bigger picture and know this wonderful relationship will be in your heart always. It won't always hurt as much as this. In grieving we open our hearts and the agony is the difficulty in the meantime.

Thinking of you.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I have just went thru the most traumatic break-up with my beloved therapist. I haven't been able to write about it here until now. I think we both recognised that my needs were greater than what she could safely provide. And i now have a new therapist more suited (hopefully) to my needs whom i have seen twice and seems ok.

Termination has been awful. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. The feelings of immense loss and grief and betrayal sometimes threaten to drown me. She was such a big part of my life for 18 months, i loved her and she provided something for me that i didn't get growing up. Stability, caring, listening, supporting etc. But the boundaries were messed up from early on, we became more like friends almost at one point. I think she felt uncomfortable with that and tried to pull the boundaries back to where they should have been and that triggered an abandonment response in me and things got messy.
She says we can't stay in touch in the future. It's like a death. It hurts so much.
Can anyone relate to this and tell me how they got over feeling so awful about termination?

The same thing happened to me. I felt groomed, betrayed and abandoned (not sexually, just emotionally). It was longer than 18 months! I lost a lot in the "break-up." And I think boundary issues were part of the problem

I did get beyond it. It was hard, but I found a new therapist.

I started sharing my story with a few trusted people. I learned of a couple other people locally that the same thing happened to. That helped. Speaking about it here on this board has helped. And hearing how often it actually happens has helped - I'm not some kind of monster client.

I eventually recognized (and this is over a year after the break-up) that it hurt because of my demons (inner child hurts) I had before I ever got to her. This doesn't excuse her from triggering my demons - which she knew about. I pay her to keep her stuff out of my therapy so she can help me, and she didn't do that. But that's different than her causing my inner child demons, and I still have those to work on, and I am working on them slowly but surely. And I think when I have conquered those inner demons, she won't bother me so much.

I wish you grace in this journey.

P.S. I'm looking forward to reading other responses. You asked a great question I know wished I asked.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

Originally Posted by Dreamy01

When me and my former T ended I honestly thought I was going to die.

Originally Posted by Dreamy01

I know what the desperate ache is like and missing T so much it's impossible to put into words.

I just wanted to say that I too felt these things and it took a very long time to finally get past it. I know that feeling of such intense grief that all you can do is moan. It is terrible, but you can get through it. I'm so glad that you've found a new therapist. For me, my new therapist relationship has been so different and much more healing than the one I left behind with my former therapist.

You can get through this. It will hurt like hell, but you can do it.

It just takes time, to be honest. Time and the ability to work through all those left over feelings with someone who can contain them for you. A genuinely qualified therapist who is willing to put your needs in front of their own, and who genuinely wants to understand what you're going through and be your support.

I know that I came out of the other side by putting up a wall with my new therapist for a long time. I put an emotional boundary there for myself so that I could deal better. It had a lot to do with trust. Was this new therapist going to leave his practice on short notice like my last T? Until I could be sure that I wasn't going to get dropped, I was scared to trust and let my new T help.

It takes time and I think it's natural to be a little weary in the beginning, but finding support that you can trust and rely on is so important - even if it's not a therapist.

I hate to give a time frame because it's sort of a let down to know from a reality point of view, but I didn't really trust and lean on my therapist for support for probably a year. I still was crying over the whole experience of my former T and termination for more than a year and a half after.

At first, the emotions are so overwhelming that you cry like someone in your life has died. You gradually cry less and less. Then it's just once in a while, and then you are just free of it.

It will come, but it will take time.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I have just went thru the most traumatic break-up with my beloved therapist. I haven't been able to write about it here until now. I think we both recognised that my needs were greater than what she could safely provide. And i now have a new therapist more suited (hopefully) to my needs whom i have seen twice and seems ok.

Termination has been awful. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. The feelings of immense loss and grief and betrayal sometimes threaten to drown me. She was such a big part of my life for 18 months, i loved her and she provided something for me that i didn't get growing up. Stability, caring, listening, supporting etc. But the boundaries were messed up from early on, we became more like friends almost at one point. I think she felt uncomfortable with that and tried to pull the boundaries back to where they should have been and that triggered an abandonment response in me and things got messy.

She says we can't stay in touch in the future. It's like a death. It hurts so much.

Can anyone relate to this and tell me how they got over feeling so awful about termination?

I can relate.

It is important to remember that it is not a crime to end a relationship that doesn't give you what you want.

The choice is yours, but that doesn't make it your fault.

[~EnlightenMe~]

All I can say is that I know how you feel. (((((((((Asia))))))))))
It has been about six and a half months, and it is still painful.

I am sorry this is so painful for you. My T has really helped me with all of this, and I hope that your T will do the same for you.

Take care.

[Asiablue]

I've been moved to tears by the wonderful heartfelt replies and shared experiences. Thank you.

I know i'll get thru it, it just hard knowing i have to go thru it, if that makes sense.

And wotchermuggle made a good point about finding it hard to trust the new therapist. I can't fathom how to not expect this experience not to repeat itself.

This termination coincided with me just starting to acknowledge a grieve for my childhood so it's all wrapped up together in one big feeling of abandonment and loss. Not sure where one hurt end and the next begins.

Thanks anyway guys x

[rainbow8]

I saw my first T for over 3 years. I'm not exactly sure what happened but I decided to quit in one session, without any closure. I think it's because I was very angry with her, and didn't think I could confide in her the way I had been doing.

Even though I was the one to quit, I was devastated! I remember crying the entire night after I quit! I didn't sleep at all. It was terrible. I thought I was going to die. What helped me was that I saw another T as soon as I could. I spent months talking about my former T and getting a perspective on what had happened. After 2 years, I quit that T and went back for a few sessions to end "in a better way" with my first T. I was glad I had that closure, but it didn't work out totally successfully in the end. I was still attached to her, and saw someone else to work more on resolving the transference, as I called it then. I used to write my first T letters and send her photos of me and my family, knowing that she wouldn't answer me, ever. Eventually, I stopped having that need to contact her but sometimes I think about her because she was my first T, and I learned a lot from her.

So, you have to grieve just as for any other loss, and don't be afraid to grieve with your new T, and to talk about your feelings of loss. It does take time, as others have said, but you will survive and the pain will lessen as time goes on.

oh (((((((Asiablue))))))))!

I can SO relate.

When I lost my therapist, it did feel like a death...but worse, in some ways, because I know he's out there somewhere helping other people, just not ME. I can really get myself into a painful spiral when I think about it too much.

I started with a new therapist this past week, and just being able to go in there and tell the story and be heard and understood helped. More than I thought it would.

I don't know when I will trust this therapist - and i don't expect that I will ever feel the same connection that I did with my first T - but I still feel like he can help me.

Leaning on friends has helped too... just being honest about how I feel, and letting them support me.

I've had to take it easier in my day-to-day life. Grief is exhausting. So I am giving myself a break, and if everything I usually get done doesn't get done, it's okay. I am trying to be gentle with myself.

My situation is little different because I was able to talk to T a few times after termination (on the phone) to work through it, and so I knew he was grieving too...knowing that it was a loss for both of us helped. I bet your therapist is feeling this loss as well. It is a relationship, and of course you will both be affected.

My T had told me once about a big, unexpected abandonment in his life, and I asked him about it after my termination. He said "oh yeah, worst pain I ever felt". I asked how long it took for him to feel better, and he said it was honestly about a year, but that it was never as painful as it was at the beginning.

I think I will always have sad spot where T used to be, but I am starting to be able to hold onto the good stuff too. If there hadn't been good stuff, it wouldn't hurt so much, you know?

I am thinking of you and hoping for some moments of peace

Happened to me, too...and I have never felt so empty or hopeless before...it's like you lost all your support at once. I didn't get the proper closure either, he was just gone.
He recommended other therapists, and I have been seeing once since. But I am not over the termination. If you are seeing the right person I think over time you should be able to heal. Hugs to you and so sorry for your loss.

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Dreamy thanks so much for your reply. I can tell by what you wrote that you know exactly what i'm going thru.

Some days are better than others and on the whole i'm doing better with it than i expected. but when the grief washes over me, it catches my breath, my heart feel like it has a hole in it and i just don't know how to console myself.
The best way to describe the feeling is like when someone dies and there's an ache and piece of you missing and you'd do anything to bring them back but it's impossible.

How is she able to do this. Just walk away so easily? Well, i'm not sure it is easy for her either judging by what she's said. But she's doing it anyway.

Oh Asia, I am so sorry to hear you and t have parted ways from what you have posted you got on so well but the issues with boundaries became a problem!
I wish ts would keep their boundaries tight from the start to save heartache in the future.
When my t1 terminated me, the feelings were so intense I couldn't breathe at times. I became more Sui and lonely, at times I cried all night. I went through periods of extreme sadness, anger, longing, guilt and shame but I sought out a new t and it was the best thing I ever did!
T1 did what she thought was best for me even though it hurt and I didn't understand at the time.
Please don't blame yourself Asia, ts are responsible for boundaries. You did nothing wrong but please look after yourself now and talk and journal all about it

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by nightsky2

oh (((((((Asiablue))))))))!

I can SO relate.

When I lost my therapist, it did feel like a death...but worse, in some ways, because I know he's out there somewhere helping other people, just not ME. I can really get myself into a painful spiral when I think about it too much.

I started with a new therapist this past week, and just being able to go in there and tell the story and be heard and understood helped. More than I thought it would.

I don't know when I will trust this therapist - and i don't expect that I will ever feel the same connection that I did with my first T - but I still feel like he can help me.

Leaning on friends has helped too... just being honest about how I feel, and letting them support me.

I've had to take it easier in my day-to-day life. Grief is exhausting. So I am giving myself a break, and if everything I usually get done doesn't get done, it's okay. I am trying to be gentle with myself.

My situation is little different because I was able to talk to T a few times after termination (on the phone) to work through it, and so I knew he was grieving too...knowing that it was a loss for both of us helped. I bet your therapist is feeling this loss as well. It is a relationship, and of course you will both be affected.

My T had told me once about a big, unexpected abandonment in his life, and I asked him about it after my termination. He said "oh yeah, worst pain I ever felt". I asked how long it took for him to feel better, and he said it was honestly about a year, but that it was never as painful as it was at the beginning.

I think I will always have sad spot where T used to be, but I am starting to be able to hold onto the good stuff too. If there hadn't been good stuff, it wouldn't hurt so much, you know?

I am thinking of you and hoping for some moments of peace

EXACLY this! She's out there helping others, she's so close yet may as well be a million miles away.
The rules don't make sense to me, if we are both hurting and both would like to be in each others lives then it seems stupid to just go ahead with that. The rules don't govern me, they are made up by people who have no bearing on my life. It seems like being hurt for no reason. Although i don't know that she'd want to keep in touch... maybe she's glad to be rid of me.

[wotchermuggle]

Just wanted to say to everyone, even though it's a devastating experience, it's nice to know that my reactions weren't super crazy. I often think I should have handled it better, but it's good to know you guys felt/experienced the same things in endings with your previous therapists.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

Just wanted to say to everyone, even though it's a devastating experience, it's nice to know that my reactions weren't super crazy. I often think I should have handled it better, but it's good to know you guys felt/experienced the same things in endings with your previous therapists.

I agree with you, wotchermuggle.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

Just wanted to say to everyone, even though it's a devastating experience, it's nice to know that my reactions weren't super crazy. I often think I should have handled it better, but it's good to know you guys felt/experienced the same things in endings with your previous therapists.

Yep i've got to admit, knowing others have reacted the same way has at least taken away some of the shame of it all.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Yep i've got to admit, knowing others have reacted the same way has at least taken away some of the shame of it all.

Me three

[TheRealFDeal]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

I know that I came out of the other side by putting up a wall with my new therapist for a long time. I put an emotional boundary there for myself so that I could deal better. It had a lot to do with trust. Was this new therapist going to leave his practice on short notice like my last T? Until I could be sure that I wasn't going to get dropped, I was scared to trust and let my new T help.

I'm only a month into grieving for my xt. I also think of the people he's treating instead of me, in MY time slots. It was such a terrible ending. I'm having a tough time finding a new T. I've interviewed many and the thought has occurred to me that I'll never trust another therapist, so how am I going to find one? How can you work with someone when your emotional boundary is between you?

It hurts like hell.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Dreamy01

I remember when current T asked what I missed about former T and I said 'Just the connection...I don't know what else to say' and she replied 'There's really nothing else to say.'

Just ! but that's tremendous.

(((((((((((((((((((( asiablue )))))))))))))))))) wishing you peace