Venting and I need advice!!

I told Therapist #1 that I was dependent on him to make through each week. That he was a crutch and if that crutch was kicked out from under me I would be right back to that dark place. He said that it was fine to have a crutch while I healed. I would have that desperate need to make contact with him between sessions so I would always email him a question that would elicit a response. He would respond but has mentioned how he is very cautious about responding by email because a persons true intentions or meaning can be interpreted wrong.

Antimatter, I think therapists sometimes say things like this (not always very eloquently) not because they take things like 'dependence' personally, feel personally challenged by it, etc., but as a way to help the client see their patterns and help them to resolve them. From a certain point of view, it may sound like she's saying the 'dependence' if that's the word she used, is affecting her (the therapist), but I think therapists can very much take care of themselves and it's not about them, they're saying this for the client's benefit (now whether it ends up being beneficial or not is something else entirely).

I'm not saying the way he went about this was beneficial to you (I don't know how he communicated his intentions, etc.), but since you went to therapy precisely to work on these issues (as you say), then isn't tightening boundaries when things have gotten a bit out of control, part of helping you with this issue? Do you think that indefinitely allowing a lot of contact between sessions, without ever re-evaluating, or changing things would have ultimately been helpful to you, over the long term, for what you came to him for?

I don't think reigning in boundaries in and of itself necessarily means shaming someone for their attachment, though I can see how it could be interpreted that way. Ultimately, the idea behind it is to help you. Obviously, though, there are better ways to communicate how it's supposed to help you and to avoid shameful feelings, than others. I'm talking in the general sense, here.

I think usually it's not about the therapist not being able to deal with strong attachment/attachment issues, though, again, I can see how it would be felt/interpreted that way. I think they mostly try to help clients deal with their attachment issues, and that sometimes involves tightening boundaries.

I'm responding to TheRealFDeal, of course, but I think this applies to the OP as well.

Syra: Wow!!I'm sorry this all happened to you....yes I feel like T might have her own issues like she feels some transference towards me...mind you this is just a guesstamation,of why all this went down all of a sudden. I understand you completely,I would at least like to see if I can get past this milestone and know what T is thinking,if not then its on with my life. Did T ended badly with her?how did it end? It is a hard choice and I'm still debating because every time I think about it and the whole situation it makes me a bit frustrated!!!


I can understand a T getting attached to an extent,they are only human,but I'm sure that they'd never admit that. I need to know what is going on though,feels like I was totally blind sided by everything.

Even though T is suppose to be healing and helpful,you can also go through pain because of the pain you've been deflecting. I know that every client/T relationship was different and I always made it clear not define what was in T a relationship.

Now I'm wondering if I can even handle T with anyone,because I'm so damaged and this kind of thing always happens to me

Very very very badly. Some details I don't even talk about. After working and working for weeks and weeks, one day, out of the blue, she said she wanted a break, AFTER we had talked about me continuing and she invited to talk about it. No reason why she needed a break (although obviously our difficulties were significant). No time frame. She did try to reconnect weeks later, but on her terms, and eventually she wrote me a Dear John letter. almost a year later.
She wouldn't describe it that way. I believe she truly wanted to resolve things. I think it surprised her that she was going to take a break - I don't think it was planned. I imagine she feels horrible about what happened but the fact that she wishes things were different (her words), doesn't change the fact that because of her lack of ethical and professional behavior I was hurt badly and she hasn't owned it.

I'm learning some surprising lessons, and I'm glad for that.
I don't know if I would do it again or not. I might - not because of the experience, but because of a lot of other things I wouldn't now have in my life if I hadn't met her.

I've been able to figure out what I think T was thinking. I have no way to know if it's true, in part or whole, & if in parts, which parts. But it makes it make sense to me and that makes it easier to move on. I doubt she will ever tell me. I don't know if she knows. Maybe. You never know what might happen.

I've been able to move on. Examine myself and learn. I don't know how I would feel if I was in a different time in my life.

Unfortunately, things did not end well, and I have written it in previous posts, so I don't want to repeat the details here. Suffice it to say, I am not seeing him any more. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and with that comes severe abandonment issues. I think the more he tried to push me away, the more I tried to hold on. I think ultimately he just couldn't handle my disorder. Actually, I asked him this directly during our termination, and he said "I can't handle your BPD," almost mockingly. I'm not sure if he meant it or was just saying that to satisfy me.

Anyway, I'm sorry this is happening to you and hope you can work it out or find another T. I may have found one, but I'm not sure yet.

Syra: ohhh my!! I'm glad you're doing better now than you were then!! I'm surprised she reached out to you at all. I guess it was a lesson learned and I think T learn things about themselves with different clients that they come across.
Good Luck if you do decide to do it again

TheRealFDeal: Honestly I figured that you were BPD. My abandonment issues are very intense as well. I told my T that I believe I'm BPD and she told me that because I've become so focused on it,that I may be making myself BPD in some aspects So basically I self diagnosed myself and she diagnosed me with HPD instead,which I will never claim

"I can't handle your BPD," wow!!that would make me feel totally rejected even though you asked,I can understand!!

Thanks for your compassion and I hope so also,its really hard for me to open up and to have to keep opening up after a rift will not be something I can deal with.
YAY!! on you finding one,I hope it works for the best!!!

LOL. That about covers it

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Well, she said she was taking a break, which implied she would return. She just didn't say when. I assumed we would reconcile, and that I had to wait for her to contact me. When she invited me back, it was under the same old conditions and it appeared nothing had changed (not based on a lack of information, but because of specific things she said in attempting to reconcile). I'd found another T by then (and I didn't do that immediately - I HATE finding Ts). I didn't know if I would stay with him, or go back to her (and he knew that and was willing to work with it) but I wasn't desperate for her anymore. I probably would have gone back for quite a while, but not under the same conditions. The new T has been terrific.

Thanks for your support. It helps to talk about it, rather than feeling like it something that has to be hidden.