Completely confused if I should leave T

Hi all,
I just wanted to get on a soap box for a moment.

Basically I had a really rough session with my T today. Long story short, I told my T that I had been having all sorts of ruminations of not trusting her for the longest time. I mentioned that I feel like I am back to square one after 3 years with her and wondered if I should leave. She said that it was up to me, but that I should call her if I wanted to schedule another appointment. She said that if I were to leave it would be good to have a couple of more sessions.

So I have "threatened" to leave before, but this was the first time I got this far. I am just confused if this is what I really want or if it is just that I am afraid of commitment with my T. Another thing I think about is, maybe the T wants to milk the last few sessions or she wants to manipulate me staying longer. I try not to think like this and hope that she truly wants to help me, but I can't help but wonder if I am just "patient #139" for her and just another test subject - which drives me bonkers! We have addressed this issue many times before and she assures that she truly cares for me, but I still have my doubts for whatever reason

That was my sticking point with my T in the end, is that ever since I been with her, I just started to think more and get confused and haven't felt better at some parts of my life. On the other hand, I can see I made progress in other parts of my life.

Thoughts or comments about this? Anyone been through this? I don't know anyone I can share with this (other than my T) other than you guys

Did something happen recently in therapy/with your therapist that lead you to question your trust for her? Were you beginning to trust 'too much' and now feel the need to pull away? Are you feeling unsafe for some reason and are seeking reassurance by threatening to quit?

Have there been similar triggers for wanting to quit in the past and a pattern has developed?

I think it would be useful to figure out why this is happening, and happening now. Did you talk about this with her? I think that exploring what's behind this may also help you in your decision whether to stay or go.

Way not try less frequent sessions and see how you adjust to being without your T, it's harder than you think and it's normal to taper at the end for that reason.

I would try to approach it as a mystery. Your T says she truly cares for you and only she can know if she does or not, so you have to take her word for it. I would look for evidence If you are not "patient #139," what does that look like? (Hint, is she just therapist #5 or are you interested in working with her, because you like her method, manner, ease of talking to her, what she has to say to you, etc.?)

It is nice if people like us but we don't need that to have them help us improve our lives; teachers and other professionals come to mind and how we can learn from them whether or not they "like" us or we're just client #139. Therapy is a little like school and a little like best friends and a little like work and a little like working on your favorite hobby and a little like home. If it does not feel like the one you are thinking of right this minute, check it against another?

Hi there,

My guess is her reason for saying it would be good to have a few more sessions if you are deciding to leave is just so that it doesnt end on a bad note and that you are sure you want to end and that you can conclude on what you have learnt over this period. Abrupt endings are not recommended so most therapists will at least ask that someone attends an ending session but its always up to the client at the end of the day.

You said you are afraid of commitment, but you have been with her in therapy for 3 years, that has been a commitment. Has she given reason to cause you to mistrust or is trusting others something you find difficult? Are you hoping by threateing to end that she will respond in a certain way? I guess there are many questions for you to answer but its important to be honest about your reasons to yourself and her.

At the end of the day progress is ultimately in your hands and your therapist guides you, so there is a level of joint responsibility but it's mainly yours. If you feel like you may work better with someone else, what could they do that she isnt doing? Maybe telling her what you want from therapy would help?

hope it works out for you

Thanks for the response!

I just called her to schedule an appointment. She is actually the first therapist I ever had. I actually started to wonder, "man I been with her for 3 years and she is my first T, how do I know she is being effective? Maybe there are others Ts that are better?!" I know it sounds awful, but having been with only one T, one begins to wonder ya know?

Actually, I feel pretty awful now and dreading tomorrow. I tend to think in a "no-win situation". If she seems happy for me to come back, my negative thinking is she is faking it. If she doesn't seem happy for me to come back, I think she is not a caring T. This is the thinking I go through. I let my feelings get the better of me

Logically, I know I am giving my T zero chance (we have talked about this before). Ultimately, I guess if I don't trust my T in the first place, anything she does I will reject it. That's what it came down to in our last meeting, do I trust my T?

I already told her I will not try therapy again after her, because I just can't bare the thought of going through with this again. It's just too much and I feel huge pressure and anxiety when I go to her office and talk to her.

I had other T's before this one, and I think knowing that Ive stayed with her for 3 years (as opposed to months or weeks with the others) is proof she is effective.

Rakku,
Sounds to me like you are in two minds. Part of you wants so badly for t to convince you to stay but on the other hand you are looking for a reason not to trust her and for a reason for your t to mess up so you can run.
Has your t ever given you a reason not to trust her?
I think if the answer is no then if you leave this t and go to see another t the same problem will occur.
This issue of trust or lack of, could be worked out now with this current t if you told him/her what you are thinking now.

Thanks again for the response.

I just came back from my T and it was probably the hardest session I have had yet. I always look at my T for her smile or just her reassurance, but instead I got this look from her that I didn't like

She was asking me questions of what I was looking for in therapy and if I didn't think it was helping, why would I come back. It came to a point where I just couldn't answer and just sat silent, but she wouldn't talk to me and giving me that look She also suggested that I take more medications because I can't seem to make up my mind about things.

Finally I just got fed up and semi-yelled (I rarely do) at her why she is putting so much pressure on me, that she was the one with the PhD and knowledge, and I sacrifice so much just to see her from my work.

She said it is up to me to work on this stuff and to believe therapy is helpful, if not, then it will not work. In the end, my T said she wasn't disappointed in me, but just frustrated. She re-iterated that her number one priority is to make sure I am all right.

Anyone would have thoughts on this? I can probably type more stuff, but I am just emotionally drain.

I wish she had been more supportive. It sounds as if she's asking you to show her gratitude for helping when actually you're frustrated about some things where she isn't helping.

I'm so sorry you are going through this Rakku. I have had similar trust issues with my T. I have fluctuated back and forth because I really like my T but I do have reasons to believe he betrayed me.

I tend not to believe your T was trying to "milk" you for a few more sessions by having you come back. She may be trying to get you to stay or just trying to help you transition to moving on without her. Either way it kind of stinks if things are not going well.

Your T's questions sound like she is putting you in a position of being on the defensive. I don't like her tactics here myself but maybe she doesn't know how to handle losing you. I left my T kind of open ended because I said I needed a long break. I may never go back but ?? Do you think your T could do anything that would make you trust her more? Is it beyond that? Maybe T will be more accepting of ending it if she thinks you might come back some day? I did not go back for an ending session because it would just be way too hard for me.

My T claims she hasn't done anything to betray my trust, and I don't think she has. I guess the part that I get miffed is in the beginning -- I told her I was getting a sense of closeness to her and wanted to step back because I read about how a patient can come too attached to the T. However, she contented that I was just afraid of getting close to her. When I did get close to her, I started to fantasize about the relationship but she never told me to stop it. In fact, I thought she once said, "are you afraid of fantasizing about me because you don't want to be close to me?"

I have always told her how I think about her as honestly as I can and was never secret about it. And in the beginning I warned her of my feelings but I just didn't get a big pushback. It was only until recently did she finally put more pushback. Finally, yesterday she pretty much threw back at me all the feelings I had toward her and saying it isn't right, EVEN THOUGH I warned her a year ago I would go down that path.

It's like I knew my intentions, told her about it, she let me go with my intentions, and when she thought I crossed a boundary, she threw it back at me.

That's why I am utterly confused now -- I have no idea what to think anymore. Everything I thought I knew to be true, has been reversed, and yesterday she asks me if I trust in therapy. Yes? No? Maybe...?!

The part that makes me upset is, I believe my T wanted me to trust her, to basically "love" her, and then push back and set boundries. I think she wants me to reinact my past (since I had boundry issues with my mom) so that she can "re-construct" my past. What I don't like is the fact that I am utterly confused and I am second guessing myself in everything I do now.

I'm not sure if this is "ethical"? I'm not sure if I am exaggerating. I am even worried about posting this on a forum, because I know if I told her this, she would say, "why are you asking people for opinions? You just don't trust yourself and don't believe in yourself" She always says that when I voice concern.

That's why she wants me to take medication now since she says I can't make decisions. However, when pressed what the meds will do, I could tell that she was stammering and told me to refer to my psychiatrist since he would know more. So basically, I should take more meds (I am already on two), to make myself less confused about therapy?!

Not sure where to turn to about this, I can only assume people here must know what I am going through

What kind of therapy does your T practice? This sounds almost like she wanted the transference/love to happen...in psychoanalysis I know that's a big part of healing but for other types of therapy transference isn't necessarily beneficial and the T won't deal with it at all.

From what I understand the way to deal with transference/love is to establish a normal adult relationship where you can express the same feelings in a healthy manner and they will diminish toward your T as you experience someone who is really there for you. If you can't transfer the feelings you have for your T into another relationship then it will continue to get worse, you have to realize that the T can never be a substitute for a real person in your life.

I think it is psychoanalysis, but then I thought I remembered reading in a form when I started that it was CBT. Finally fed up, I contacted another person from EAP at work and she was just wonderful. Maybe it was a fresh voice on the topic, but I just felt more comfortable (at least right now) talking to her than my current T. By the end of the phonecall, we setup a plan in how to approach my current T. She said don't be afraid of telling my current T I contacted her for second advice. Also, we drew up some topics to talk about. She even said she could talk to my current T, but I need to sign some kind of form.

Honestly, after that phone call, it made feel better. I had all this burden bubbled up and didn't know who to talk to. My current T always said I know what the right answer is, so when I say I want to see what other people's opinions are, I feel like I "failed" her test. And it seems like if I want to ask other people question about therapy, she wants me to ask other therapist. I feel like if I already have trust issues with therapy, why would I ask other therapists who would be bias?! That never made sense to me...

How fantastic you found someone to connect with. Good luck!

The part that makes me upset is, I believe my T wanted me to trust her, to basically "love" her, and then push back and set boundries.

Does the one have to negate the other? Can you trust and love her and fantasize about her without going over certain boundaries?

Did she say it was not okay to love/trust her/have fantasies about her, or is that okay, but just within certain boundaries? It seems you feel that in setting up certain boundaries, she was also saying it wasn't okay to love her, etc. Are you sure this is the case?

I wonder if both can coexist side by side...

Honestly, my T didn't go into depth about the whole fantasize relationship. I think the whole thing is off putting actually. I come from a pretty religious background and at first the idea of fantasizing another person was out of the question. However, she was never against it and said there has to be boundaries in place.

This is just making me confused as ever since I feel like the whole dynamic is based off of this fake scenario; plus I am stuck now since I am now questioning the whole theory behind it. The T and I both agree if I don't "buy into it", then the whole 3 years of therapy would be for nothing. That and the fact she now wants me to take more meds (in my mind) to agree with her, makes me even more perplexed . She never suggested this until I started to question her motives.

This sounds very confusing. I wonder if you could share more about what has been going on?

It sounds like she's wanted you to work out your relationship issues through the relationship with her? Sounds more psychodynamic than CBT, but then maybe she decided this was an issue for you and decided to approach things this way.

What I don't get, though, is what you said about her throwing how you said you feel about her back at you and saying how you were feeling was wrong. It sounds like she wanted a strong therapeutic relationship to develop, but somehow things got confused? What is it about your feelings that you shared with her did she think was 'wrong?' Telling you your feelings are wrong sounds like a very unfortunate way of addressing things --what happened?

Well we talked more about it yesterday. My T claimed that she didn't want me to fantasize about her so that I could be closer to her. She said it doesn't sound like anything she would say...

It was weird, the more we talked, the more I think we were inching toward me leaving therapy. There were three options discussed:

1.) To leave therapy completely

2.) To continue therapy and work things out

3.) To get some consultation

I wasn't sure what consultation was, but she said it was to have some people come in and talk to me directly. And those would be feedback given to my T. I thought my T would be with me, but she said no, it would just be me. So I thought out loud, "now I am spending more time and money to get this relationship to work", that plus I am supposed to take more meds now. I questioned her directly, why bring up the meds only when I said I was about to leave? She responded that it was always on the back of her mind, but lately I have just become less responsive.

Also, I told her about all the times I told her about the fantasies I had, but she claimed she never knew it got "this bad" up until his point. But I insisted that I told her about this many times!!! I mean I wasn't doing anything "crazy", but I definitely thought about my T alot and I mentioned that MANY times to her.

It came to a point where I just told my T maybe we could just continue therapy and we will work this out. She said she is unsure about where to go from here, which mimicked what I said earlier. The more we talked, the more I got a sense she also wanted not continue therapy, even though she said it was "my decision."