[likelife]

I want so badly to tell off my exT. I responded to her email asking if I had received her termination letter. In the email, I told her that I had hoped she could hear that termination was harmful for me. I asked what she meant by "reworking the ending," as she had offered in the letter.

While sitting around waiting for a response, I have been getting angrier and angrier. Several days later, she responded, saying I could talk with my new T about what I needed from the "reworking" process, and that she would consult with my current T about whether we could jointly meet and on what timeline.

Right now, all I feel like I need is to shove this termination at her, to tell her face to face what a ****ing coward she is. I need her to actually hear that I feel like she ****ed up. I need her to take some ****ing responsibility. Of course, no one really "hears" hostility in that format. Nevertheless, I just want to lay into her.

She didn't acknowledge what I had said about being harmed. I get that she can't exactly admit to harming me in writing, but grrrr...

I don't know what to do anymore. I know that my feelings are off the rail. It doesn't help that my new T cancelled on me today. This anger without a voice, or more accurately, without its intended audience, is eating me alive. But I don't know how to let go of it.

I haven't si'd in over a decade. But I am so, so tempted to right now. I want to break something. I want to break her. I want to break me.

Likelife that's it get all your anger out, does it help to write about it here? I understand wanting t to acknowledge her harm, as a t she should be able to own her actions but it doesn't sound like she is ready to do that just yet. Maybe in time she will realise how much pain she caused you

[Sabra]

'"i haven't si'd in over a decade. But I am so, so tempted to right now. I want to break something. I want to break her. I want to break me.''

I think your exT is chicken^^^^. Having said that, please don't hurt yourself, she isn't worth it. Do you have a tennis racket you can beat on your bed? If so, use the flat side, it makes a nice sound. Cursing while whacking the crap out of your bed is helpful. It isn't destructive and you can release your anger. I used to do it until I was worn out and then I would usually cry and go to sleep.

When you get through it, do something very kind for yourself.

Thinking of you,

Sabra

I understand so well. I know what youre going thru and i am so sorry its so hard.

[~EnlightenMe~]

(((((Lifelike)))))))),

I totally get how you are feeling, it isn't over the top, it is how you feel at the moment. This ending must have been traumatizing with a capital T. I hope you can talk to your new T about this (if you can keep an appt., what don't people get that you are really in a bad place right now?). I would hate for you to have a meeting and your xT be the same was she was as that would be incredibly painful. I would want to know what her agenda is, does she plan on being there for you or to argue whatever her point is? IDK, just a thought. I want you to be safe and feel peace. This is a painful process, that gets a little easier as time goes by. The struggle still sucks, but it is bearable and I have hope. You, too, will find this in time, although I suspect you may not be able to see it now. I am here, keep venting as much as you need to do so. Sending you hugs.

[likelife]

Thank you so much, everyone for your kind words. I wish I could respond more fully, but I'm just in a bad place right now. Please know that you're all very appreciated.

[content30]

I'm so sorry you're hurt and in pain. Please do not harm yourself, though. It's good to talk/type about it...maybe exercise/get the endorphins going to get some of it out...and do something to sooth yourself: music, bath, reading, pet your dog/cat (if you have one), etc...anything but si....

[wotchermuggle]

When I was terminated once, I also felt unsafe simply because of how upset I was. I couldn't function, constantly crying, etc. I decided that I wasn't going to let myself be completely shattered by him. I was still upset but this helped me to focus on managing my pain and focussing it on what the next step would be and how I would get there.

I have a bit of a SI background but I never self harmed during that period and am proud of it.

Maybe it will help you to focus on refusing to let your T control you and your emotions any longer and figure out what the next step is that you need to make for your health and continued progress.

[stopdog]

I understand the urge to si and that it, in its way, can bring relief. That being said, she is the one who was wrong here. I know I have the urge to si when hurt by the therapist too. I try to write, walk the dogs, get through just a few minutes without it and then a few more. If you do si, I hope you can accept you did the best you could at the time and try not to add guilt or shame about that into the already potent mix going on. You are coping with a loss, grief and sense of betrayal - that is a lot to go through.

[Raging Quiet]

Thinking of you ((((likelife))))

[ECHOES]

That is just awful what you are going through. I'm so sorry you are hurting so much

[winter4me]

I used to keep empty bottles around to smash...
It is just so hard when you know that no matter what you say or do, someone important to you is not going to respond in a way that helps you.
How do you feel about that t recommending your next t?
And do not harm yourself----hug and hold yourself, soothe, rage when you must, cry and let it out---------------------some things really are beyond our control, (do you have a medium to express yourself in? there is writing here. what about drawing or making a collage about the t? your feelings?) Something to use your time productively and expressively, perhaps something to show the new t. that shows your emotions...

[Perna]

Winter's idea of the empty bottles is interesting; I had a group T who, she and her psychiatrist husband, bought an entire set of cheap plates for her to smash :-) I'd be tempted to load them with spaghetti/sauce and let them fly against a wall somewhere. Someone should start a theme park like that, where you can go break plates and pound on boxing workout bags. Do you belong to a gym? I'd be tempted to go around getting free workouts "checking out" gyms about now.

I'm so sorry you are hurting. Hope something feels better/reliefful for you soon.

In high school, our art teacher kept the pottery items that got ruined in the kiln, and kept them in a storage room for people to smash when they needed to. Please find something to just SMASH and don't hurt you.

[Anne2.0]

I was just reading last week that the experience of rejection (which I think is pretty analogous to T relationships, although they technically studied romantic relationships) activates the same areas of the brain as a severe physical injury. Of course it hurts bad. I couldn't find the exact article I was reading, but here's a close substitute:

The pain of social rejection

From my perspective, adding more pain on top of what is already normal to feel, risks your physical and emotional health. The pain research suggests that feeling pain activates the neural pathways for pain, which is why when pain in not controlled, people can still experience pain months after a physical healing. I was in this situation with post surgery pain for almost 9 months, and I guess I can tell you that now is the time to baby your pain, to treat it with kindness and tenderness, not add to it. You don't deserve to be hurt any more.

[nessaea]

*HUGS likelife*

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, and that you are really struggling with dealing with it. I'm someone who tries very hard to always see the good in people, and gives everyone the benefit of the doubt, but even I am having a hard time justifying the way your exT is acting. It sounds like she is trying to hold fast to these boundaries she has set without any real regard for how it might be affecting you right now. You don't deserve that, and I'm really sorry.

I hope you can find a way to deal with your feelings that isn't SI. Ten years is an incredibly long time to have gone without doing it, and, if I can be blunt, I don't think this person is worth you breaking that record over. Many people here have suggested different outlets for you to try to get out your anger, and I hope you can try some of them, or other ones that you might have. For myself, when I am angry with someone, I write. I write a letter to them (which I will never send) and I say whatever I want in it. I just write and write and write, sometimes many different letters, until I get it all out. And if I can't write, I put on a voice recorder and I just talk about it. Or, I call a friend that can just listen and be there for me while I vent. I think it is important to get the feelings out, and I really hope you can find a way to do it that doesn't include harming yourself.

You are an incredibly wonderful and valuable person, and I know that you can make it through this. Please keep reaching out on here if it helps you - we are here for you!!

Sending you thoughts of strength and courage, and lots and lots of hugs!

Ness

Thinking of you! Hang in there.

[likelife]

Thank you so much for the hugs and support, everyone. I'm incredibly touched by the support. And thanks for the suggestions for coping with the anger. I do like the idea of smashing something other than myself, tempting as it might be. At the same time, I'm such a timid person IRL that the thought of smashing something is kind of frightening. All the same, I was definitely thinking it would be nice to have a heavy bag to just whale on.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

(((((Lifelike)))))))),

I totally get how you are feeling, it isn't over the top, it is how you feel at the moment. This ending must have been traumatizing with a capital T. I hope you can talk to your new T about this (if you can keep an appt., what don't people get that you are really in a bad place right now?). I would hate for you to have a meeting and your xT be the same was she was as that would be incredibly painful. I would want to know what her agenda is, does she plan on being there for you or to argue whatever her point is? IDK, just a thought. I want you to be safe and feel peace. This is a painful process, that gets a little easier as time goes by. The struggle still sucks, but it is bearable and I have hope. You, too, will find this in time, although I suspect you may not be able to see it now. I am here, keep venting as much as you need to do so. Sending you hugs.

Thanks, antimatter. Your perspective is always appreciated. I'm sorry that you've been through something similar, but it's nice to feel understood. I do have an appointment with my T for tomorrow, so I feel good about that. It's almost better this way because now I can meet with her after having gotten my exT's lame-*** email yesterday afternoon.

I definitely want to know what exT's agenda is. I so do not want to set myself up for getting hurt by her again.

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

When I was terminated once, I also felt unsafe simply because of how upset I was. I couldn't function, constantly crying, etc. I decided that I wasn't going to let myself be completely shattered by him. I was still upset but this helped me to focus on managing my pain and focussing it on what the next step would be and how I would get there.

I have a bit of a SI background but I never self harmed during that period and am proud of it.

Maybe it will help you to focus on refusing to let your T control you and your emotions any longer and figure out what the next step is that you need to make for your health and continued progress.

I'm so sorry you've had this experience too. I do keep trying to tell myself that she's not worth it. That hurting myself won't do anything to her (obviously). I do feel a little better today. And no, I didn't SI yesterday.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I understand the urge to si and that it, in its way, can bring relief. That being said, she is the one who was wrong here. I know I have the urge to si when hurt by the therapist too. I try to write, walk the dogs, get through just a few minutes without it and then a few more. If you do si, I hope you can accept you did the best you could at the time and try not to add guilt or shame about that into the already potent mix going on. You are coping with a loss, grief and sense of betrayal - that is a lot to go through.

Thank you for the suggestions, SD, and for the encouragement to avoid adding guilt/shame into the mix.

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I was just reading last week that the experience of rejection (which I think is pretty analogous to T relationships, although they technically studied romantic relationships) activates the same areas of the brain as a severe physical injury. Of course it hurts bad. I couldn't find the exact article I was reading, but here's a close substitute:

The pain of social rejection

From my perspective, adding more pain on top of what is already normal to feel, risks your physical and emotional health. The pain research suggests that feeling pain activates the neural pathways for pain, which is why when pain in not controlled, people can still experience pain months after a physical healing. I was in this situation with post surgery pain for almost 9 months, and I guess I can tell you that now is the time to baby your pain, to treat it with kindness and tenderness, not add to it. You don't deserve to be hurt any more.

I don't have time to read the article now, but thank you so much for sharing it. I'm sorry to hear that you had such a long struggle with pain. And thank you for your kind words.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by nessaea

*HUGS likelife*

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, and that you are really struggling with dealing with it. I'm someone who tries very hard to always see the good in people, and gives everyone the benefit of the doubt, but even I am having a hard time justifying the way your exT is acting. It sounds like she is trying to hold fast to these boundaries she has set without any real regard for how it might be affecting you right now. You don't deserve that, and I'm really sorry.

Yes, this. You said it perfectly, that she seems to be trying to hold fast to some version of events without considering the effects of her actions.

I hope you can find a way to deal with your feelings that isn't SI. Ten years is an incredibly long time to have gone without doing it, and, if I can be blunt, I don't think this person is worth you breaking that record over. Many people here have suggested different outlets for you to try to get out your anger, and I hope you can try some of them, or other ones that you might have. For myself, when I am angry with someone, I write. I write a letter to them (which I will never send) and I say whatever I want in it. I just write and write and write, sometimes many different letters, until I get it all out. And if I can't write, I put on a voice recorder and I just talk about it. Or, I call a friend that can just listen and be there for me while I vent. I think it is important to get the feelings out, and I really hope you can find a way to do it that doesn't include harming yourself.

I appreciate your bluntness. And I agree that she's so not worth it. Thank you for your suggestions. I do think that I will end up writing some letters. I know I need to hand write them, otherwise the temptation to send them will be too great.

You are an incredibly wonderful and valuable person, and I know that you can make it through this. Please keep reaching out on here if it helps you - we are here for you!!

Sending you thoughts of strength and courage, and lots and lots of hugs!

Ness

Thank you so much for the support and encouragement!

[Perna]

Originally Posted by likelife

All the same, I was definitely thinking it would be nice to have a heavy bag to just whale on.

Or a bunch of us coming over for a slumber party pillow fight

[likelife]

Originally Posted by Perna

Or a bunch of us coming over for a slumber party pillow fight

Omg, a PC pillow fight!

[winter4me]

Originally Posted by Perna

Winter's idea of the empty bottles is interesting; I had a group T who, she and her psychiatrist husband, bought an entire set of cheap plates for her to smash :-) I'd be tempted to load them with spaghetti/sauce and let them fly against a wall somewhere. Someone should start a theme park like that, where you can go break plates and pound on boxing workout bags. Do you belong to a gym? I'd be tempted to go around getting free workouts "checking out" gyms about now.

I'm so sorry you are hurting. Hope something feels better/reliefful for you soon.

Originally Posted by likelife

Thank you so much for the hugs and support, everyone. I'm incredibly touched by the support. And thanks for the suggestions for coping with the anger. I do like the idea of smashing something other than myself, tempting as it might be. At the same time, I'm such a timid person IRL that the thought of smashing something is kind of frightening. All the same, I was definitely thinking it would be nice to have a heavy bag to just whale on.

You may find, if you try it, the smashing quite liberating. Try it alone, in a safe place... (or, maybe a punching bag and some gloves are just what you need in your room? fight it out, good for the body too, exercise, coordination...............)

[likelife]

I went to Goodwill yesterday to buy some picture frames. I don't need the glass for what I'm going to use the frames for. I instantly thought of this thread and smashing the glass. And then I thought I'd need some goggles or something, because it wouldn't be very safe

[unaluna]

I just read this. She was sooooo wrong in starting this email exchange with you to begin with. What is wrong with her?? She had no right to ask you for confirmation that you received her termination letter. That was just an unconscious ploy. I know it doesn't help you to know she was effed up, and that she is so totally mishandling this right now, but all this cannot be handled by email. She is being not just ridiculous, but unethical.