How do you detach from t?

This relationship with my t is the best I have ever had with anyone but since she wants to wind things down I am thinking it would be best for me if I detached from her before it ends.
I am going to miss her so much, tears are falling as I type this because I love my t soooo much but I know this is what I need to do because if she terminates me or when she terminates me I won't cope very well. I dont cope very well when anyone leaves, it sparks deep emotional pain and abandonment feelings in which I spiral out of control.
I really dont want t to leave me as I have become so attached to her that it hurts when I imagine life without her. She is the only person who truly accepted me and cared for me and gave me hugs and meant them
This is breaking my heart in two and I am not coping very well but I can't ring t even though she told me to ring if I needed her but I can't because I need to detach and distance myself.
I wish I could tell t that I need her but I can't tell her how much she means to me and how I felt about last t when she terminated and how this is breaking back all the feelings again, and it feels like when my ex left me and I feel so alone and unwanted all over again

I wish I had an answer because I feel the same way as you do. I don't know how to do it! Each time I quit therapy I saw another T so the pain was lessened. That's why I decided it must be transference. I attached to the new T and eventually "forgot" about the former one.

I don't think that's going to happen this time, though. I told my T that "you and the therapy are the same thing." I don't want to quit because that means I won't see you. It will feel like arrows piercing my heart!

What I do suggest is that you tell your T what you said you can't tell her. You CAN tell her, and I think you should tell her. I still don't know exactly why you have to terminate therapy with her. Can you do it gradually, cut down sessions slowly? Does she know about your experience with your last T?

I really feel for you because I may have to stop seeing my T next year, for financial reasons, and I don't know how I'm going to be ready. It brings up the reality of therapy, that we're paying, and that we're T's job. Talking about your feelings is really the best suggestion I have. Will you be able to have any contact when you quit?

I'm sorry I haven't answered "how do you detach from t?" I don't think we can detach ahead of time. I've tried that it hurts as much as being attached. You can grieve that the t relationship isn't all that you wished for because it's temporary, but at the same time, think about, and maybe discuss with your T, all that it is and was. My first T told me "when I leave, it won't be as if it didn't happen". I used to write her, but she never answered. I knew that she wouldn't. This was more than 25 years ago, and I still think about her sometimes. She said I would have "part of her inside of me" and I do!

I know I'll have a LOT of my current T inside of me when/if I have to quit seeing her. Can you hold onto some of those kinds of feelings?

Sending you lots of hugs and courage!!!

This is a different prospective but one that helped me.

I tried to see it as a break up where two people mutually agree that it should end while really not wanting it to end. What helped me was to see T in a more realistic way and I even encouraged myself to see ways where he was not helpful to me to add some balance. In doing so, it helped me see that he wasn't my everything and in fact, had some shortcomings.

I reminded myself that he was seeing me as a business professional and that all business relationships end when the services are no longer necessary. I knew that he did not think of me outside of the session and I reminded myself of that. It sounds cold but it helped me to detach. I thought about how else I could spend that time and money.

It was a litte mind-game that I played with myself so that it wouldn't be so painful. Whenever I thought about how much I would miss him, I tried to do one of the above. It was still painful and I felt both sadness and anger but I didn't stay with those feelings for long periods of time. Over time, I was able to see the good and bad in our therapeutic relationship. To this day, I still miss him on occasion but I know that I will never go back. It was an ending for the both of us.

It's a grieving process. I'm not sure you can detach by an effort of will.

As painful as it might be, I'd use your therapist to help you process it all. Use her while you can. Is she open to doing phone consults after she leaves? I know it's not the same, but that could help you transition. Does she have a professional that she really loves to refer you to?

I do relate to feeling like you need to detach in order to protect yourself. For me, I am not sure that it is a defense mechanism that really works. I end up feeling regret, like I lost important time and still felt awful. It's a painful situation that brings up many old feelings. You can tell her what is going on - what do you have to lose?

I think ideally, in theory, 'detaching' is something that is supposed to occur naturally as you put therapy into practice, take control of your life, build better relationships outside of therapy, and gradually wind down sessions?

Here's hoping, anyway. Right now I'm in about the same boat as you - the thought of not seeing my T is unbearable. I'm not ready to wind anything down yet - even though my moods are better and I'm starting to put my life back together. I still need my T's support. Sometimes I think I need the relationship with her more than I feel I need 'therapy'... for me I guess it IS a large part of the therapy.

If attachment is part of the childhood development, surely we just need time to grow up?

How do you detach from T?

Refuse to email/call/lean on him for support.

Get involved in things that will keep me busy and not think about the dependence/the loss of reliance on someone.

Titrate the sessions. Go to every other week for a few months and see how that goes. That is what I am doing with T#1. I am so attached to him it hurts. I even started seeing a different T in Feb. that has helped me.

heart out to you truly... this is exactly what i used to think, and then i got terminated with no warning. i don't have any words of wisdom for you.... but you could have read my mind with this post...

I agree with this, and this is basically what my T saida couple of months ago. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I was attached to her. All I could muster was an: "It's kinda hard not coming as much...I'm really used to coming in here and seeing and talking to you on a weekly basis...." She knew what I meant though; she is a clever T. She said that the more I fill my life with other things, the easier it will be. She is right. Still, no one will replace my T ever. She helped to save my life. It will be hard, but I can do this...that is what I keep telling myself.... I'm in the middle of a three-week break now. Next, I'll take a month. Then, I'll probably only call as/if needed. ::

You should have a healthy termination plan in place with her that you are comfortable with (number of sessions left, etc) and get referrals from her so you can start lining up another T...he or she will be part of your new support network. And if you have any friends who you can talk to about this or hang out with, do that as well. And we are always here for you.
Anyway, I know how you feel, my T terminated with me out of nowhere a few years ago, and I am still suffering from lack of closure...those last sessions are SO important.
And I am so sorry you are hurting so much. Hugs to you.

Why can't you tell her how much she means to you? Can you be friends!

While I understand the belief and apparent logic of all of these suggestions about detaching at will--lessening # of sessions, trying to see the faults in your T as "realistic," distracting yourself with outside activities, lining up new support systems--my experience is that all of this is a defense against feeling the true feelings of loss and the need to honor the value of the relationship by taking a leap to increase the emotional intensity of the relationship.

I found that the only way to leave, planned or otherwise, was to fully express what needed to be expressed. To articulate the depth of my feelings for my T and the relationship and the joys and pains of the journey as best I could. My T's acceptance of, engagement with, and reciprocation of those feelings was the only way I could walk away whole and ready to grieve the absence. And a big part of what made it possible to reconnect later.

That was my point about the closure/termination sessions, you wrap up your therapy and time with her and say what needs to be said; no point in holding back your feelings. You can't control what she says or chooses not to say, as she might be very guarded if she feels she has "overextended" her feelings for you.

I disagree about lining up a new T as part of your support system as being a "defense"...it's a way to start the grieving process and not be alone while doing it.

You got very lucky then...most terminations don't end this way, esp. not with a T being so open.

You got very lucky then...most terminations don't end this way, esp. not with a T being so open.

Yes, I have been fortunate. But I haven't seen anything in the OP's comments to suggest that her T wouldn't be open--she's already broaching these feelings.

I don't know that most terminations don't end well; I don't think it's reasonable to generalize from negative experiences posted on PC.

I wish I knew the answer to this also. I really need to find a new T who can help me with the issue that my T doesn't really know anything about. But, like you, I have become very attached to her as I've known her over 5 years and she's been with me for so many years for some of my hugest transitions.

I can't in case she gets scared of how strong my feelings are for her, she I think wants to be friends because she has said a few things about us going places together and opening up our own t school but I don't know if it would be that easy

Thank you every one for your kind and helpful responses I really appreciate them but I can't think clearly enough to reply to them just yet

If she really wants to do these things with you, you both should be able to talk about them openly. If she isn't serious about it, then you should know that too. You would be risking narcissistic injury if she does not, but otherwise you are risking even more, imo. I have often thought my t was hinting at things also, and it was scary to ask, but ultimately worth it.

I have been thinking about this a lot since you posted it Hankster and sorry for. The bump up. I am not sure what narcissistic injury is fully. I am working up the courage to ask t if she would like to be friends. I know she will have to stop being my t then but I would rather she be my friend or colleague when I graduate and maybe she could be my supervisor even.
When you asked your t was he serious, did you get the answer you hoped for?

Maybe the rules are different if you're in t school. The goals are different. But if someone is your supervisor, they may be friendly, but are they your friend? My t is friendly, but he is my t.

The rules are the same hankster. I am living in a fantasy again

It might be fantasy and it might not, either way it's been created by your therapists fluctuating boundaries. If her boundaries had been clear and steadfast all along you wouldn't be questioning what your relationship together actually was because you'd know for a fact.

I'm sorry you're going thru all this uncertainty.

You know, this is the second t that I have been too where they had bad boundaries and sent me mixed messages with regards to our relationship. T1 made me feel like I was the one breaking her boundaries when in fact, she text me a lot and contactede out of session and then when I replied told me I was breaking the boundaries. I was so messed up after seeing her. Thank you for making me see it like that Asia. I wish therapists were clear and didn't lead patients on. Why do they need to get so close and then so far