How does a client's suicide affect their T?

Thank you. I still don't know what I have done that warrants praise. I told my T that and she said that I'm alive and I'm still fighting and that's worth being proud of. I then started babbling on about me being a failure. I think I caught her a little bit off guard because I don't think I've ever expressed emotion to her and then suddenly, over the phone even, I did. I'm normally horribly awkward on the phone.

I think that facing your mother's rage, with all that could mean for you, in order to protect your brother was courageous and worthy of praise.

lol would my dad support me if my mom cut me off. My dad probably wouldn't remember I exist if it weren't for my mom. They are a package deal and they aren't about to split up. She says that to manipulate him. If I filed a report, that would completely screw me over in the long run and I'm not sure how my siblings would benefit from it either.

Yeah, I will tell him to call me. I think my mom being confronted by anyone with authority would end very badly though. It certainly wouldn't calm her down.

I think I might have scared the **** out of my T. I'm not really sure how coherent I was over the phone. I think I sounded like this panicked, emotional wreck hinting at suicide and saying I wouldn't go to the hospital if I needed it because I didn't go in the past. Oh well. It is probably good in the long run that she briefly experienced the full weight of my emotional distress when I'm here.

I guess. I still feel like as an adult I have a responsibility to protect those who can't protect themselves regardless of how scared I am.

I feel kinda bad for scaring my T the way I did. When I told her that I wasn't sure I'd be able to make it, I could hear fear in her voice as she said "are you serious?" And then I said I wouldn't go to the hospital if I needed help. I was flipping out over the current situation with my mom and probably came off a little overdramatic. I didn't mean to scare her like how I think I did.

But your mom IS over dramatic?

I thought it was great that you gave T a sense of how bad things are. The greatest self-sabotage you could do right now is to downplay how bad things have been.

Your T will be able to help most if you are straight with her.

Yeah. My mom is quite over dramatic.

The second she sounded scared, I scaled it back a little bit. Then again, I might not have scaled it back because I implied that I was in danger of killing myself now and then I corrected it and reassured her that wasn't the case. It was still probably good that she did experience that because I don't know I've ever been able to fully communicate how distressed I get. I still don't want her to worry. And I feel weird about the fact that I was so open. I don't know why. I keep thinking that she will now change her opinion on me because I cried and told her that I really really miss her. I don't like feeling vulnerable. I didn't feel vulnerable on the phone with her because I was more scared of my mom than I was scared of expressing my feelings.

On a totally different note, I passed my road test today. I think I have a problem with being incapable of feeling proud of myself. I just feel stupid for getting it 4 years late.

Wow!!!!!
Big congrats on passing the road test --that IS a big deal.
I think I know the answer but any way to borrow the car and get the H out of there for a few hours?
Congrats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you.

Nope. There is no way. My parents refuse to put me on their insurance. I will need to have them drive to the SOS to get the stupid licensee too.

Still, you accomplished something big during an awful awful time.

I guess that's true. I could have just stayed in the basement, hurting myself. I guess my sister does like to shame me for waiting until I was 20 to get my license. I also remember my mom calling this girl's boyfriend a loser because he didn't have a license at 20. It could be that. I also just never feel happy anymore. Why do I never feel any joy anymore?

My mom is still being really unpredictable. She yelled at me this morning when I woke up because I commented on the fact that we are low on hot sauce. She just started straight up screaming at me about how unhelpful and demanding I am.

Congratulations on passing your road test!



What was happening during the most recent times that you have felt joy?

I haven't felt real joy in months. The joys I felt since April have been increasingly more and more hollow. It's kinda like febreezing a room. If you spray febreeze into a room that smells like garbage, it usually ends up smelling like febreeze and garbage. The febreeze can distract from the garbage, but it doesn't completely cover it up. Happiness for me right now is ruined by knowing that I'm doomed to this room and feeling like the only way I can truly escape is to die. This has only been getting worse. My life is a bomb and I feel completely out of control as to when it will finally explode. I don't even know what that explosion would look like. I just hope I can wait a week and my T can help me shut it off. I know I can hold it together. It's just that every second of every day, I want to hurt myself. I feel like I am watching the clock and waiting for the day when I can finally end this struggle.

I really wish I could talk to her. I feel weird about talking on the phone and I really wish I could ask her what she thought about it. I really wish I had someone to talk to about this because I know I am a wreck. I don't even feel *bad* right now. It gets much worse than this.

how many more days? What year are you in school?

5 days until I leave, 7 days until my lease opens, 9 days until I see my T. I'm going into my 3rd year of college.

You are in the home stretch. Hang in there!

I'm not even sure it's worth it anymore. I'm just going to end up here again. And even if I don't, what if I don't feel better at school? What if I'm just damaged and I'm going to keep cycling through this over and over again? I don't know if my T can help me. I don't know if anyone can.

I'm still going to hold on though because I hold to what I said a few days ago. I am not in a position where I can make a decision that would be as permanent as ending my life. I logically understand that all of this could just be in response to the situation I am currently in. If it takes a little bit of time for me to get better at school, it is all just emotional leftovers from the summer. I can't just kill myself because of emotional distress that may or may not be temporary. It doesn't change the way I feel inside or my urges or anything. It is only preventing me from making another attempt.

ok seriously, 5 more days? 13 pages of affirmation and still the thoughts of suicide? There is no reason you have to go back there next summer, especially if you plan for it now.

You have months to start planning--no need to return home next summer, it is clear that you need help so you don't return home ever. I hope you can be as open with your T as you were in the phone call.

What concerns me is that you spoke of grad school...does that mean mom pays and you have to return every summer? Oh no I hope not. I am a fan of higher education and all but a grad school degree is not worth the price of being controlled by a monster.

You are doing so well. Please take care --- feelings can pass but actions are permanent.

I have to return here in January. If I don't cave to her a little bit, I will get completely cut off. But I did manage to make it so that I won't come back here before Christmas. Which will be extremely relieving when I am safe at school.

Technically yeah it does. I'm not 100% certain of what that would entail. Some MM programs are free but I don't think the ones I am interested in would be. I will eventually start trying to get jobs. The problem is that I'm still too young to really have a fighting chance at them. I'll still have the same problem with finances considering that I need money to fly out and take auditions. I don't think I'll be able to get away for at least another 4 years, maybe sooner if something completely miraculous happens.

You can write me 1300 pages of affirmation and it still wouldn't change the way my mind distorts the world when I am here. It wouldn't change the way my mother psychologically damaged me to the point where I can't totally believe that I can live on my own. She made me feel like I am a weak, incomplete person who will never be capable of being a functional, normal adult. She's told me that I will never be a functional, normal adult literally over and over again when I was a very small child. I had no choice but to believe my mother.

I can't help that my mind keeps turning to suicide when I think about my life, especially when I am in this house and in constant fear of her flipping out at me. If I could change I would and if people online could change it, I would be okay. I can't help having suicidal thoughts, but I can help the way I react to it. Just because my mind keeps telling me that the only way out of this cycle is killing myself, that doesn't mean I have to do it.

I'm not posting and talking to people because I am trying to fix this. I need real help from people trained to handle situations like mine. That's apparent. I don't expect anyone or any group of people to just take away my fear and the damage I endured after 20 years of abuse from my parents. I am posting just so I have some sort of outlet because I have nothing. I like journaling just fine. The problem is that they don't talk back. They don't help me feel less lonely. I already feel bad enough for annoying everyone in this forum with my crazy, misplaced ranting. I just don't know what to do and this isn't suicide or self harm. Sorry if I'm annoying/frustrating you.

Im gonna get blasted for this by everyone else who is drinking the koolaid, but this helplessness is not serving you well. I am sorry you have endured this abuse for so long but at some point you are going to have to weight the consequence with the decison. You are no longer a child and if you want to continue with school and tell your mom to bug off you can, its called loans and I have a sh-it load to prove it can be done. I realize you are not looking for solutions only empathy so I will avoid this thread moving forward, but know that you are NOT helping your cause or situation by acting as though you have no way out because you do.

I could also be dead so you go ahead and tell me what is and isn't helping my cause. I would be delighted to hear what someone who doesn't even know my first name her opinion about the major life choices I make to support myself psychologically and financially. You don't know who I am, what I do, or anything about me beyond what I have posted here and you certainly don't know enough to claim that I am "helpless".

I am well aware of what a loan is or how to apply to get a job and that I am not legally obligated to my family at all. I'm not stupid. I made the choice to do what I am doing based off of a multitude of factors. I made the decision to come back here and follow that model. I don't know if that is a good decision to keep on making and I am not in a good situation to really try and figure it out.

So thank you for your input.

I am convinced that Lola cares or she wouldn't be on this thread. Sometimes you can relate to someone so much that you desperately want to throw them a lifeline.

No, it isn't a good time to try to figure everything out at once. I hope you don't take this the wrong way but there is the idea in psychology of "learned helplessness"--no it does not mean that you are weak or stupid or anything like that--it means that your mistreatment has taught you that none of your actions matter.

but they do.

We are all just fellow patients here and a real professional can help you fix this.
As much as you can help it, don't be MORE unkind to yourself than your mom is.

You are correct I dont know you IRL, however I do know you as much as I can by the last 13 pages. As far as the dead reference , It's for effect and I'm not buying it.

If following that "model" is causing you this amount of pain then its a no brainer , this isn't the optimal decison for you. But again, it is UP TO YOU.... you are over 18 and if you are willing to endure the abuse for the finacial assistance in school that is your choice.

Growlithing, I admire the aplomb you demonstrate in dealing with critics here. You stand up for yourself and let their comments glide away like fallen leaves on a flowing river. Good job!

Allowing one's self to be shackled to another by money can take a toll, and is a choice. I see students struggle with it and I see parents struggle with it too.