Sudden Change - only 3 sessions left

I had always believed that I would be in control of my own weaning from my therapist. I envisioned that we could eventually cut back on sessions - from once a week to twice a month and then possibly only once a month.

But, no - I am facing a quick 'termination' because I'm moving out of the area. So, I only have 2 or 3 sessions left.

How does a person leave a close relationship like this so suddenly? I know. I know. - she's only my therapist but to be honest she is the only person I will miss when I move. I'll be relocating to where most of my family and friends live.

Close to 3 years we've worked together. She has literally and figuratively saved my life. She is the person who has helped guide me to my authentic self.

I can't imagine how I'll manage this loss. Even those weeks in which I thought I didn't need to see her, KNOWING that she'd be available for me if a need arose has always been comforting.

I know I'll be fine. But there is a grief felt.

When I mentioned Skype sessions, she was kind enough to tell me she'd consider it but I can see that she's not thrilled by the idea. Maybe she'll be more open to offering telephone sessions.

She did talk about me finding a therapist in my new area. I didn't like hearing that at all. It was like she was already saying goodbye.

But she was gentle and kind and she WILL help me through this. Maybe she suspects that once I move that my need for her will decrease - simply by my lifestyle change. idk

Has anyone been forced to make a fast 'termination' because of moving? How did it work out?

I understand your grief. I had to leave my pdoc when I moved too. I was with him for almost 9 years. He has been the best pdoc I've ever had...I truly miss him. I am lucky that I'm getting a chance to go back and see him a couple times to check in with him. I still journal a lot about my problems and they are like letters to him--we were together so long that I can imagine what he would say. He also has podcasts so I can listen to him. Could your T make a a CD for you--maybe a meditation or something?....D.

I haven't had to change Ts yet because I was moving, but I have have to change Ts abruptly because she was moving. She only told me 2 sessions in advance. That was incredibly difficult. I ended up writing her a thank-you card, and using the last session to tell her how much she had helped me. She referred me to a new T, who is the T I am seeing now (It's been 3 years!). In retrospect, it was a blessing in disguise because (even though I was resistant at first) my new T has turned out to be even better.

Leaving my current T is unthinkable at this moment, but I know it will happen someday. Probably within the next couple of years. At the moment, I am happy where I am at but I know I will not be in this city forever. If a compelling career opportunity opens up elsewhere, I will move. In my field (academia), there is often little notice between when you find out you've been offered a position, and the position begins. So, in that event, you have to pick up your life-- say goodbye to T (and everyone else)-- and move fairly quickly. If that happens for me, it will be a mixed blessing. Like you, leaving T would be one of the biggest downsides of moving for me!

Skysblue, this is difficult news so thinking of you over the next few days as you process what it means.

On your T commenting about finding a T in your new area, please don't think for a minute it was because she was saying good-bye so soon. My limited experience is it is an act of care that T wants to be sure you're looking out for yourself in a time of abrupt change. Depending where you move to they may also assist with transferring records.

On a forced, fast termination: Yes, I experienced it early this summer when my T very unexpectedly and quickly closed her practice. I had two sessions after T's news and I was in absolute shock for both. I debated not going to either but through encouragement here I did and so very, very thankful I pushed through the pain, sadness, hurt, anger and grief to do so. It was enough sessions to thank T for her attention, focus, and genuine care while also the opportunity to listen to her feedback on me. I found the sessions openly honest. Raw with emotion and I cried endlessly but that's life and I felt tremendous grief. Good-bye was difficult in that T didn't cry or even get misty eyed so her words didn't have the weight I wanted as they didn't match her body language but I reminded myself she is trained not to let emotions show through and I needed to trust her words and not read beyond them.

I'm happy to answer any specifics too. This is pretty fresh in my mind. Do you go weekly? Writing letters or notes in-between helped reinforce what was important for me to say/ask. Usually we started sessions chatting about pointless BS but since I only had 2 I wanted every second spent on the termination process and feelings. There was a specific area T was my rock on so I deliberately took the opportunity to thank her for that, explained how her impact helped and how I'll handle a similar scenario differently. I'm still somewhat dazed I will never see or speak with her again. I won't see her smile or hear her laugh or tell her about this crazy thing I attempted and succeeded at.

One last thing, I did find T distant those last two sessions and that was hard. I wanted it to be all about ME and while she did a great job I could feel a difference in her. I know it had nothing to do with ME rather her own circumstances of closing and moving on. Still it hurt during our sessions when I could tell she was staring through me. It took some difficult independent post session work to be okay with myself in how I felt about that. I felt cheated she wasn't fully present and experiencing the deep emotions I was yet I felt sad that she was going through a challenging time and I couldn't reciprocate the care.

I found the below online, although can't locate the source, and used it as a guide during my final two sessions. We didn't discuss after-care plan otherwise touched on all at various depths.

In a nutshell, here's what to expect you'll do during termination:

• Review what you've learned about yourself
• Discuss which goals (if any) you weren't able to accomplish in therapy, and what to do about them
• Develop your "aftercare" plan: everything you'll be doing post-therapy
• Reminisce about the therapeutic relationship - when you felt cared for, when she made you mad, when you shared meaningful moments, etc.
• Discuss and grieve the end of the therapeutic relationship
• Talk about the other feelings or memories this ending brings up

I'm sorry that you have to quit therapy so suddenly. I'm just wondering how this move could have come up so quickly. I don't mean to pry, just hope everything is all right!

Skype involves preparation so maybe your T will let you have phone sessions. Didn't you have phone sessions when you were away for a long time a couple of years ago? I think that's a good idea, at least for a awhile, or as needed.

What about emailing? Will she allow that, or isn't it an option?

You're a wonderful writer. Maybe it would be productive if you wrote your answers to some of the questions JayneJ posted so you can discuss them in your last few sessions. I don't know if you answered in the thread about how you'd want your last session to be. What would you like to happen? What do you want to tell her that you haven't already?

Grief is normal when you're leaving any long-term relationship, even with a T. I quit my first T suddenly after about 3 years and I cried that whole first night, even though it was my choice to leave. It took a long time to grieve.

I think you'll be fine too. You're doing what you want with your life and living with the partner who makes you happy. I imagine that your T will know what to say and do to make your termination with her easier. She's always sounded like a great T! I hope you're going to post here and tell us how you are.

I could never ask her for something like that. And, I'm not sure such a thing would help me. idk

I don't have a long history of therapy so it's not like some others who have experienced changes like this. I was so surprised the level of attachment that ensued. I understand it all now (read tons of books about the therapy process after I began), but understanding only helps so much.

Yes, I'm sure she brought up my seeing a new T because she cares and she wants me to have close access to another therapist. I know she really wasn't trying to say goodbye.

My quick termination is coinciding with major life change. Not a good combination.

I want to engage in a complete and satisfying termination process but I also have a ton of life stuff to process too. I'm concerned I will regret not having time to do it 'all'.

I've never had a phone session with my therapist. Also, I've never had the email option.

Yep, grief is present. I can't believe I'm still that attached. I tear up each time I think of what's going on. Feeling embarrassed even though I 'understand'.

Yes, I have a great T. That's what makes it hard, of course. I feel sorry for any new therapist I may see. She'll have to measure up.

And,I think I'll finally get the courage to ask her a few personal questions like if she's married or has children. Yep!

Sky did you already mention the possibility of phone sessions to her if skype doesn't work?

I know finding support in your new area will be important; but especially right after you make the move it would be nice if you had continued contact

that's great if you get the courage to ask some of those personal questions you have wondered about

The same thing happened to me. I accepted a job offer and in one month I was gone. Life is like that. Things can be here, then they aren't. It's the ebb and flow of living. It's not an end necessarily, but a change in the relationship.

My therapist and I did phone sessions for a couple of months after I arrived at my new location. It helped - some.

I also found a new therapist at my new location. Frankly, I ended up talking about my previous therapist most of the time.

People will understand homesickness, but they will not understand grief over a therapist. Another therapist provided me the opportunity to do so.

Above all else, a physical separation does not equal a spiritual one. Once connected that attachment persists and can feel good. It can remain despite distance.

One of the things I did, that I am most comfortable and at ease with (and actually made things a little easier for me) was to tell my therapist how I felt. I held nothing back.

It will be a time of mutual sadness and change. Our leaving affects our therapists too.

The door will always be open for you to return for a visit, or a session, or a call.

I'm so sorry! I really feel for you, because I just went through a sudden termination with my therapist. I will be honest with you- it was very very difficult. I wasn't moving, mine was for another reason, but I understand your grief. It hurts so much- to know that someone that you confided in, were close to, and felt very connected to is all of a sudden not going to be a part of your life any more. In this way, I think therapy is a very cruel world, because the way the client/t relationship is set up is so unconventional.

My advice to you is to think about these last couple sessions, and be very clear about what you need in order to be able to leave with the proper amount of closure. The worst thing would be to terminate and be left with those "I wish I could have said x" thoughts. You know? I also advise you to be very clear about working out your therapists rules for termination. Legally, your therapist is unable to contact you for non treatment related purposes for two years after termination. That doesn't mean that you can't initiate contact, or go back to her for therapy related issues before the two years are up. Although it is my understanding that some therapists believe in no contact after termination period. I think you should definitely talk to him/her about how exactly she sees termatination.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It hurts... hugs...

I think she WILL agree to telephone support. But, you know as well as I do that it's not the same.

Luckily I have 2 close friends who DO understand how separation from a therapist can be heartrending.

My T DOES know about my attachment. She's experienced me reading poems to her about it. I'm very upfront.

Yes, I will be grateful I had the experience of the support that my T has given me all these months and our relationship does transcend space and time.

And I hope to return for an occasional session but what will that be like if she hasn't been kept up to date on my emotional life? Would it feel awkward and unnatural?

It's very difficult to know what to discuss. I gave up using my notebook in which I usually listed all that I want to cover because there's too much. So, I just let come forth what comes forth naturally.

So, do I sacrifice getting help on coping with my huge life transition or do I sacrifice the kind of proper closure with my T? Maybe that's not mutually exclusive but there really is no time to delve deeply into both. snif sniff

So, I had session yesterday and most of it was the emotions surrounding the giant changes in my life. But towards end of session I added that one other thing I need to deal with is "losing you, my T". She replied, "Yes, I'll miss you too, Sky." "And maybe you can return sometime to have some sessions". I teared up and told her I didn't really know if my life situation would allow that. There is so much unknown.

What she did NOT say is, "Don't worry. We can do phone sessions as long as you need. I'm even willing to possibly do Skype session. You will not be abandoned."

I scheduled an extra session for today and I guess I'll have to ask her point blank the QUESTION. It will go like this

"T, I NEED to know if you'll be available for me when I move. I NEED to know if you'll agree to conduct sessions with me by phone at least. I NEED to know if you'll be available."

I can't believe she's left me hanging like this. When I had brought it up last week, she only commented that she wasn't sure that the 'powers that be' would allow it - for confidentiality reasons.

I said that I had no problem with confidentiality but she skirted the issue and did not reassure me. So much was going on that I was not in the frame of mind to insist on an answer. Too scared, I guess.

I think your T knows you'll be all right, but I agree that you should ask her those questions about phone calls and Skype again, directly, exactly as you posted here. I'll be thinking of you in your session. It's important that you know where you stand and you have every right to ask her!!!

i think it would be a very good idea to just get a piece of paper, and write down all of the things that you want to talk about. I know that it seems like a lot, but a lot of times, things are related.

Thanks, Rainbow - I do know I'll be o.k. and I have many days I don't even think of my T. So, I don't know why this emotion is revving up now (except for the fact that I'm leaving quickly)

I don't want to admit that I still have this strong attachment and need of T. Geeez, I am a professional woman who has worked in academia and run businesses. I manage employees and I have been lead director of certain academic programs. I've raised 3 children towards adulthood. If anyone looks at my life they will observe a self-confident and accomplished person who is not afraid of admitting I don't know something or confessing that I've been wrong about something.

Now, it's not that I'm super human - not at all but to maneuver oneself in life a certain amount of self confidence and ability is necessary. Being strong is admired and being accomplished is valued.

Showing or sharing emotions is frowned upon - unless maybe anger which can be interpreted as a sign of strength.

We don't want to seem weak. Women AND men have this fear, I believe. So, many times we just ignore or stuff our emotions and pretend they don't exist. When they do flare, we feel discomfort and try to get rid of them as quickly as possible.

I understand the whole dynamic of attachment to therapist and after initial dismay that I had that 'condition' a couple of years ago, I studied the issue enough so that I learned to accept it and know that the attachment would lead to my emotional wellness.

AND, I'm am definitely not as needy as earlier. So, the emotions that are revving up now about termination with my T are unwanted. I'm defaulting into that "I'm strong, I don't need T" mode of thinking which is a lie to myself. And after this amount of time, I find myself feeling embarrassed by the feelings.

I guess I also suspect (this just came to me now as I write) that her knowing she's losing me as a client diminishes her loyalty to my emotional well-being. I know that's not true but a kind of distrust is seeping in. Can she easily abandon me if I don't serve HER purposes?

A piece of me just wants to end it with her now and not even try to have a smooth transition (hardly any time left). But I won't. I'm still too attached.

Dang, I feel like an abandoned baby crying for her mother who has left her stranded.

I think that no matter how accomplished, self-confident, and strong a person is, there is something about therapy that makes us, at times, go back to being a baby or a child. It doesn't mean we're not capable and confident in our "real life". I think it's perfectly normal for you to react the way you are, especially in light of this quick termination. It's okay to let T see your feelings. Leaving your T IS a loss; you're not making it up. Did you see her yet today? I really hope you can tell her, without holding back, that you need to know what her rules are for contact post-therapy, and to tell her how you feel, as you posted here.

I see her in a couple of hours. But i feel myself pulling back. I feel myself getting angry. I feel myself getting detached. I feel myself doing all it takes to protect myself. The words i'm saying to myself are - "I don't care. I don't need her. I'm an adult and I can do just fine. I have other people in my life who are there for me. Sure, she's helped me a lot but it's over now. She obviously doesn't care so I don't either."

I'm feeling like I'll go into session today and just be matter of fact about my issues and not even bring up hers and my relationship. Of course, I'd love it if she'd take initiative and tell me she'll be there for me. But if she won't (and I suspect she won't) I do not want to come begging and crying. I have too much pride for that. I'm not going to do it.

Maybe it's too late for you to read this, but it sounds to me like you've acted this way before with your T, though I may be wrong. I think you may feel it's the best way to act now, but in the long run, is it the best way to terminate your therapy? It's not begging and crying if you tell her you'd like help with the transition period, at least. Or the truth, that it's hard to leave her. To me, that's not begging and crying. I can understand where you're coming from, though. I hope your T knows you well enough to read between the lines tonight.

I'm a little late to the party, so I'll not share much of my experience. But I have recently split completely from my T due to her work commitments, and it has been an agonizing rollercoaster of emotion.

Expect to feel every possible feeling, twice. And again. Allow yourself to feel those feelings as often and as deeply as you need to. It's very important.

Find yourself a new T as soon as you can. Not to replace, but to deal with the loss if nothing else. I immediately found a new T to help me, and it was very effective in managing my grief and processing. She was completely on board and not at all bothered by helping me get through losing T1.

I am two and a half months out, and while I still think of her every day, the crushing pain is mostly faded except in rough times. Everybody heals differently, but know this for a fact: you will survive it, the pain will fade, and you'll be okay. Hang on.

The best session ever. I love my T. If I had to choose between receiving a million dollars or having the experience I had tonight, there is no doubt in my mind that the heartfelt connection T and I had is worth much more than anything money could buy.

I got clear confirmation tonight that my T will help me transition for as long as it takes by Skype or telephone. I am lucky.

that's so great to read sky

wonderful!

I'm so glad, skysblue!!!!!!!