Attraction...need for new T?

Ok. Here goes:

I have a pattern of becoming somewhat obsessed with women who are slightly older than me, generally those in some authority position (professor, boss, etc.). I've never actually had any romantic relationships with anyone.

So I'm currently seeing a therapist and I'm struggling because I think I'm majorly attracted to her. We have talked about the fact that I "love her" as someone who is supportive and safe, and that I would probably feel the same about any therapist. So we determined it wasn't really about her. She mentioned that if it was really about her, I would probably have to see someone else. I get the feeling she is nervous that it is really about her because that would be uncomfortable for her.

I'm also incredibly lonely right now, and I recognize that I am using her to fill several roles in my life (friend, mentor, etc.).
I think I am also somewhat envious of her - rationally I know she is not perfect, but I still imagine her and her life to be.

I have difficulty maintaining boundaries, and this has manifested in my emailing her compulsively. I crave hearing from her, knowing she is still there, feeling that she genuinely cares about me. We have talked about the emailing being an issue, and I very much understand it's not appropriate. Still, there are no official rules. I have tried to not email at all, but when I do send one she sometimes replies. Even when I try to ask about specific boundaries, I don't always get a clear answer.

More than anything, I wish she would give me a hug, or hold my hand. Or maybe tell me it's ok that I'm so attracted to her and we can work through it.

I guess what I'm wondering is...should I think about finding a new therapist? I'm not sure how much my being intensely attracted to her is because of her or because of my obsession tendencies. Would the same thing happen with another therapist?
I'm fairly unstable currently, and the idea of switching to a new therapist is absolutely terrifying!!
I can't stop thinking about this therapist though, and I feel like a disgusting person for being so attracted and attached to her. I feel like she must think I'm gross and creepy.
If I did decide to try a new therapist, how would I bring that up to my current one? Just thinking about not seeing her is seriously terrifying me.
Or how would I bring up how incredibly attracted to her I am and that I hate myself because of it?
When transferring to a new therapist, does anyone meet together with both the old and new one together to transition?
Any comments welcomed. Thanks!!!

First of all your not disgusting. Lots of people get attached to their therapists, it is normal. It is totally understandable that you would have her fill roles in your life as you are lonely. So your doing nothing wrong.

She is clearly a bit uncomfortable about you getting attached to her. She is also pretty unable to maintain proper boundaries. Boundaries are really important! You need to know if it is ok to email, when and if she will reply. She sounds like she cares but is not being very consistent and it sounds like you could really do with some consistency right now.

I think you would attach to a new T and i would hope they would be more specific with their boundaries. If you did get a new T you could tell them how you felt about the old T and ask them how they would react if you did the same. Interesting information you would get then!

You will get through this.

Firstly, huge kudos for your honesty and self-awareness. That gives you a huge advantage in navigating this complex situation. Secondly, stick around here enough and you will see that this is not at all uncommon- so no, you are not a freak and you are most assuredly not alone. Thirdly, as an amateur who did not get out in time, I do think that you should seriously consider finding a new T. Not that you won't necessarily find yourself with the same feelings and "obsessions" that you have now, but it will help you realize a) some Ts handle it better than others, it doesn't sound like this one wants to really "go there" and b) if these feeling do transfer to the new T you will have definitively proven to yourself that the common denominator is you, and can get that out and, with work, resolved. Best of luck.

I agree that this T has basically told you that she is not willing to work through a personal transference. She sees it as an impediment to therapy, rather than as an inherent part of therapy. It doesn't mean she's a bad therapist, just that transference isn't central to her philosophy of practice. I also agree that her demonstrated boundaries are problematic, especially given that she knows of the potential of your transference.

Perhaps you should seriously consider seeing a male T?

I have the exact same thing with slightly older women. It's not romantic, just wanting the person to be the mom that I never had. It's been rough - for me and the people whom I fixated on. These have included a couple of Ts. One T handled it very well but we had to stop our work before we could really get to this issue because I moved. Another T didn't at all handle it well, didn't know how to handle it and it was disastrous. BUT this T has helped me enormously with learning to mother myself by mothering me as a model. I truly didn't know how to do it. I had thought at times that maybe I should find a male T (and once I did). But then I realized that doing so would just put off my healing because I would inevitably become fixated on someone else, likely someone who couldn't handle it and it would cause more hurt. For me, I had to work out these mother feelings in the context of an actual relationship, and one with someone who could handle my feelings for her, like my current T. She does hug me and hold my hand (when there is a reason, not just all the time) and it's worked for me. I had to become more dependent on her and her love and caring to become more independent and love/care for myself better.

I would try to find someone who is willing to work through this issue with you - and it is hard. No, you shouldn't hate yourself. I did for years, then one T said that I did what I did (fixating on mother figures) since a young age saved me - it was self-protective and made complete sense. My current T has echoed this and encouraged me to show compassion for the young, hurting child.

Good luck!

Thanks for the helpful replies! I actually decided to email (surprise) T to let her know I think we really need to talk about this tomorrow. I told her that naturally I'm terrified of meeting now, and requested that she reply to let me know she read it.
I have thought seeing a male T might be helpful. Maybe I should consider it again.

My current and former Therapists both are females (and I am a male), last one was about 10 or so years older than me and my current is about 5 years younger than me. While I thought that they were both very attractive I never really saw myself as sexually attracted to them.

Sorry I'm obsessing over this and boring everyone and wasting your time - I'm kind of a selfish brat, but I'll save that for another post. I really appreciate the feedback!
T replied to my email and said, "We'll chat tomorrow. We'll figure this out." That's a good thing, right? I'm a tad petrified for my session tomorrow. I have a super hard time communicating with T in general (except with email obviously), so maybe some of you have some advice on how to be brave?

For what it's worth, she will probably feel as much anxiety as you- obviously for different reasons. Maybe beginning the session by telling her that you are seriously considering seeing a new T. It's the truth and nips her possible desire to rationalize in the bud. Otherwise, be honest and follow your lead. You may even want to write out a few of the points you made about your feelings towards her and yourself in your original post here. Your awareness and honesty will be her litmus test...

No it's perfectly fine some people (in particular men when the have women therapists) can find themselves sexually attached to their Therapist, in which case it might be time to move on and find a new Therapist.

It is just as common the other way around

I guess maybe more for Married Men than Married Women (and thus the idea of an affair increases with Men)

It is just as common, the other way around, am curious about the angry emoticon?

I'm angry that there are so many therapists causing emotional harm.

I guess I should add that we are both female. She is married to a man.
I'm struggling with my sexual orientation, so that kind of adds a whole other layer into things.

Have you discussed that with you Therapist yet

Yes, but not in depth.

How long have you been seeing her? I am having a hard time understanding how such an important identity issue has not been more explored...admittedly I am a novice with not much information, but it sounds like she really avoids important topics.

I've been working with her for about 7 months. I think I agree that she avoids important topics, though I may not be super skilled at bringing them up or letting her know that I really need to discuss certain things. Granted, the majority of our sessions have been focused on maneuvering whatever current crisis I've developed for myself. There's often not a lot of time to explore deeper issues.
The more I think about it, the more I'm inclined to believe that she may not be the best therapist for me. She is a good therapist, but I think I might need something different - at least right now.
But part of me feels like I may be running away from the hard stuff. Or perhaps I'm self-sabotaging in creating an unnecessary transition to someone new which will likely cause turmoil.
She's also the only therapist I've ever shared so much with and been so open with. I hate the thought of losing that.
It's all just confusing and makes my mind race and hurt. It's painful, and I feel responsible for the pain - I wish I could explain that part more, but I'm not able to right now.

Please let us know how it goes.

I'm sorry you've been struggling so much with this, Hippo. I could have written most of your original post, though I think I've been sometimes loath to admit to myself that my attachment to older female figures can sometimes manifest as sexual attraction.

I agree with others that you'll find that some Ts are much, much better at working with transference than others. I totally understand feeling anxious about going in and being honest with your T, but I think that's really important right now. Someone, at some point on the boards talked about mustering 20 seconds of courage to get out the difficult stuff. Sometimes it's helpful for me to think of it in those terms. You've already gotten the ball rolling, all you need to do is work off of that momentum tomorrow. I hope it goes well.

I have the same issue and it's been really, really challenging for me since maybe my early teens. I get totally fixated on older women--sometimes its a very sexual attraction, sometimes I want them to adopt me and be my mom and sometimes a bit of both. With my current T it's more that I need her to be maternal, I want her to be available to me all the time and I feel like I need almost endless comforting and reassurance. I had a strong sense when I first met her that she was very, very straight (and I'm not) and I didn't feel much potential for sexual attraction which I think is part of what allowed me to proceed with her. However, even without the sexual element I feel totally overwhelmed by my feelings for her, my neediness and my longing. It's very, very painful. I have just barely begun to talk about all of that with her.

I think you're so brave to have brought it up. I wish she had commended your courage and recognized what an amazing opportunity you and she now have to explore your feelings. You need a T who has the confidence and skill to work through this with you. I hope she rises to the occasion. You are not a gross person for feeling this way.

With respect to emailing, it makes sense that you'd feel insecure and need more contact after she's kind of been nervous and not expressed any kind of confidence that this is okay and you will work through it together. Maybe if you express yourself better in writing you could lay out some boundaries/guidelines about email. Like make it clear that email is part of your therapy and for eg you will send her updates every Sunday, Tuesday and Friday to which she'll respond with a brief, friendly acknowledgement and then will use those emails to help guide your sessions when you meet. It could be your homework. If she feels she needs to, she can charge extra for it. Then you don't need to wonder if its really okay and you have some structure to work within for the rest of the week.

I too have the same issue I always obsessed over teachers, females bosses and any female in authority. Now t is object of my obsession. I haven't told her because I am not as obsessed over her as I was my last t. We talked about my ex a lot who was older than me and how I am attracted to older women. T thinks it is because my mother never gave me any love or attention so I crave it and look for it in older women. The maternal longing and sometimes I think t looks to fulfill her maternal side with me too. It scares me how close we get sometimes. My t is 100% straight and told me this and I think the reason I don't obsess do much over her is because she is very open with me and tells me loads so I don't fantasise so much about her.
I wish also your t had of acknowledged how hard this was for you to tell her! It sounds to me like she is weary of going there because she is worried she might not know how to deal with it without harming you lots of ts don't have enough training to deal correctly with it. Maybe you should ask her can she help you through it and if not find another t?

Hi all,
Thanks so much for the support, it's been really helpful!
Update after today's session:
She was super nice - which made me like her even more go figure, but because of that I was able to stay relatively calm and we had an honest conversation.
Obviously, it is up to me whether to continue meeting with her. Nothing definite has been decided yet, and she assured me that we do not need to stop meeting (if I decide to go that route) until I am clearly set up with other support.
I need to think about whether seeing her is helpful for me. Do I continue to meet because I want to be close to her and spend time with her, or because I think she is able to help with my treatment? Am I able to push aside the attraction and focus on the work we're doing, or does it interfere too much? Or am I running away from what may be the most helpful treatment for me?
So T didn't run away from me, didn't seem disgusted, and she'll help me through this, regardless of which path I decide on.
She reassured me that I am not a bad person for having these thoughts.
It is possible to be attracted and to work successfully with her as a therapist - that idea seems so simple, but I think I was viewing it as an "either-or situation" (black or white thinking yay) - either I have to leave because I'm attracted, or I have to not be attracted and stay. She said something like, "It's like going to a meeting with a good-looking co-worker. You do it and get the work done, it just might be a little more pleasant for you." She said she was trying to put herself in my shoes.
So...my goal for this week is to do some serious thinking about the above questions (but not too much because I tend to overthink, so maybe just journaling to work things out at specific times). And also, to not excessively email. We determined one email is okay.
So I guess the session was a success. Things will work out, whichever way they might go.

I'm wondering how your therapy is going. Are you still seeing this T? How are you managing your feelings about her? I think I was out-of-town when you posted this thread, but I read it again now. You know I struggle with the same issues as you do.