The Couch - Welcome to the Psychedelic 70's

I am doing a work sheet for T and having difficulty with the feelings part, maybe I'll leave it and discuss it with T. Actually I'm having troubel with thoughts section too. I'm thinking this hard work at the moment.

can you give me some feedback about this letter to my T.should i give it to her or just let my last session be about the good she did and keep this to myself

Dear T
Our last meeting was horrible. I so scared and hurt. I’m feeling like I was and have to be the vilest human on this earth. I know what I said to you the week before was completely disgusting, but to completely forget that you even met with me never mind what I said completely threw me. I can understand not wanting to deal with something so nasty. One thing I know and should have remembered is, even if I might feel that something I my life might be completely devastating to me, to others can be quite unimportant and forgettable .if it was so important to me and such a part of me I should have never risked speaking of it . Unfortunately the mother wanting me to go to that funeral and all the disgustingness and memories around it wouldn’t go away. After 4 years I thought It would be ok to speak a little about it .i was so wrong. If I was not prepared for your reaction or mine I should never had done that. Actions have consequences and I’m so sorry.
I didn’t understand much about what you were talking about with this cloud thing .i know that was my fault but please believe I was trying to pay attention but so much was running around in my head and to be honest I was just really scared . the panic really set in with you telling me that you were not going to bring it up the next week that I had to if I wanted to. You told me this as I was walking out the door. No time to even ask why you were doing this. I always thought this was something clients did. By the time I got home I was in such a huge panic and spiral that I called you. I guess I needed to know you were going to still be there even if I was so shut down. In the past I thought it was ok to call you .you would call back and it sometimes helped. I understand how easy it is to take advantage of that and I am sorry for that also, I really did try not to. When you didn’t call me back I realized I destroyed that privilege also I’m sorry.
I guess you feel it best not to help me open up and talk anymore .i don’t understand why but I guess it is a new boundary and I need to respect it .I know you expect me to be able to do this but I know I can’t .i really need help with it. I don’t understand all these new boundaries and I am so sorry for whatever I did to cause you to need them. But without any more help with being able to talk I know it isn’t going to work anymore. I can’t do what you want

Had my first T appointment in 21 days today.. It was ok. Once we got started, the conversation was good. There was a weird moment, where he picked up him cell phone, looked at what I suspect was a text message, stared at it for what seemed like a long time. Then, put his phone down, apologized, looked at me and looked like he was trying not to cry, he took his glasses off, I think he wiped his eyes and took a min. to compose himself. There was something up, but I couldn't quiet figure out what it was. I kind of froze, I didn't know if I should ask if everything was ok or not. He pressed on, and seemed fine. I wish I would have just asked..

Anyways, turns out this Friday our normal day he can't seem me (Again) so we tried to work it out to see me before the 30th, but it didn't work out. So, I go 11 days. Ugh, not what I want as I am usually once a week, and we just had a 21 day unplanned break!! I so frustrated right now!

it must be intense. how does the book work if you don't remember anything from your past. does it have exercises to help remember

Granite, yes, give it to her. It can only help her understand what was going on, even if you do terminate.

granite, it's a very good letter and I also think you should give it to your T. I wonder what she will say about it all, and if you misinterpreted her actions. In any case, seeing these other Ts is a good idea. Is either of them an art T?

Granite, its a really good letter and really sums up your thoughts...I would definitely give it to her if I were you.

Granite, I read your letter and I think you should give it to your t.

Granite, I agree with the others. I would give the letter to your T.

Isn't it difficult keeping that from him?

Seriously, if I was one of the people getting an email like the one I sent yesterday I would have replied to make sure the person who sent the email knew it was ok to send it. I thought a lot of people would think like that but no one has replied. Not a single one of them (well, except for the one I told in person). Not a "thank you for your email" or "thank you for sharing" or anything. I really didn't expect all of them to reply but perhaps just one person or something. I would have replied in order to prevent the person who sent the email from feeling exactly what I'm feeling right now: anxiety so bad I feel like throwing up and staying home from university.

Am I wrong to think like this?

Neutrino - maybe they just didnt know how to respond. Could they be worried that your anxiety will affect their grade? If so, maybe thats why they dont want to put in writing that oh its okay - but consider that i am speaking from a litigious U.S.A. perspective.

I hate group projects so i sympathize - i had a group in business grad school that i hated, and the instructor loved the biggest blowhard in our group. I was like, yeah neither of you would make it in the real world - the problem with being an older student.

So anyway i would just wait and see about the other students, and in the meanwhile check with your disability advisor? I dont think the prof can say, i dont care, do it anyway.

Yeah, maybe you're right. However, my level of performance won't affect their grade and I think they know that. It's not a group project kind of thing. Case studies and seminars, that's what it's about. And the 10-15 minute long presentation but that's not being done as a group project. But, like I said, maybe you're right when saying that they might not know how to respond.

It's difficult being a student and having to deal with these problems. Sometimes I really wonder how I'll get through it (but I will, somehow).

Not sure what you mean. Are you referring to my professor telling me I need to go through with the presentation anyway? It really sucks but I think he's right. I'm stuck in this vicious circle of avoidance and I need to get out of it somehow. I'm terrified but he's still right. He was very nice though and offered to let me practice my presentation in front of him a few times before it's time for the "real" presentation and then he said we can gradually expose me to more people. So after having presented in front of him a couple of times we could bring a couple of other people for me to present to and then perhaps it will be easier to speak in front of the whole class. At least that's what he said we should try.

Failure to acknowledge emails is a pet peeve of mine. Grrrr!
Needless to say, it's one of Madame T's crimes.

Granite...I dont remember everyday life like eating dinner or my bedroom or playing with toys with my sisters or stuff like that prior to age 12. I do remember school and playing in the neighborhood....

But I remember the abuse....some specifically hard stuff I cant see the face of the person..

The workbook or parts i am in now talk a little about a subject like shame and contempt...then have a questionaire about your feelings and behaviors...then it shows you how that can be caused by abuse... Some things it sees as contempt of yourself I didnt see as that...or should i say i never knew why i do some of the things i do.... But it sucks to know that because you think your not giving your abusers power to affect you now...but they still do...

Granite...I'm in your pocket today. That letter you wrote...awesome.

Jersey...thinking of you...hope you're okay.

Everyone...

I wanted to share an incredible healing experience I had yesterday. I met with T about her website. When I first arrived, I was uber-cranky. I went in and sat on the loveseat and T joined me. I looked at her and warned her that my hormones were nuts and asked her to tell me if I became rude. I told her that one minute I was...and made a motion as if to punch her and then the next I'd be...and put my head on her shoulder. She laughed, then I got to work pulling things up on my laptop. I didn't realize at first that she'd leaned into me. For a solid hour, she made certain her arm was touching mine the entire time we worked, even when we were doing separate things. It was never mentioned by either one of us, but I could tell it was intentional.

It was a bonding experience also because she mentored me a bit about being a counselor and congratulated me on my A average so far. We also talked about marketing and being a webmaster long-term. We figured out that only about 10 people on this earth know I'm her client and none would care. She's also giving me some business. She has a friend who needs a website, so she's giving her my name and #. Fabulous!

I hope everyone has a great day!

oh i thought you had problems remembering anything from your past.im glad that this T has been able to find something that is helping you even if it is hard

i know i will be posting a lot today flip flopping about what im going to do and not do ,what is good and not good, what i want and not want, and so on .i am really sorry ahead of time because i know it will be horrible for you all to have to rad my crap over and over again (maybe put me on ignore for the week if it gets to much) i think im just going to need to vent and get some help here about things and ideas.

this moments flip flopping is about my letter .i feel it is heart felt open and honest but at this point does it matter .it isn't a positive letter by no means. it isn't a thanks for everything you did for me letter. i don't know if at this point it makes a difference if she knows what was going on. do i want to spent my very last session with her bombarding her with all this memememe stuff or do i want to spend the time just saying thank you for what she did do for me and keep the rest to myself

2hr delay thanks to -24 degrees temp, and windchill fact on top of that.. Tomorrow is supposed to be more of the same.. My extended family live in Florida, I am thinking they are the smarter ones of the family..

Holy crap, that's cold! Stay warm, dear.

horrible weather may solve my problem for me .i bet it snows and i will not have this session and will never see her again and probably my new appointments will be canceled also .im so scared about everything

Granite, I'd still give it to her. I would do it because maybe it will teach her not to do it to anyone else. What harm can it do? You can still thank her during the session for the good.

jersey thinking of you also my friend

There is no way that anybody's grades could be affected by whether they had expressed support (or, for that matter, lack of support) for a fellow student, regardless of whether that other student's performance might affect their own grades or not. There isn't even a theoretical possibility that it could be the case, and there's no way anybody would believe that it could be the case.

I agree that they might not know how to respond, though. It is a very Swedish reaction to avoid saying anything at all, for fear of saying the wrong thing.

Wow, that's -31°C. That really is cold.

((((granite)))) post away... I hope you'll be able to see your T and get some kind of closure with her. I think you should give her the letter. It's honest and it's not unpleasant at all. It will help her understand what happened.

I'm sorry you're going through this horrible scary thing.