Planning your termination?

I have been in T for 6 months. This is my first go, so I have nothing to compare my experience to. I can say with confidence I am "in the weeds" with my T. It took me a very long time to open up and so in many ways I feel like we're just getting started. I am certain my termination isn't right around the corner.

Two months in, I started getting attached and I freaked out. I discussed this in sessions. He always reminds me that termination doesn't have to be devastating, even though it will hurt. He did say some things that soothed me.

But I still can't stop thinking about it. I think what's bugging me is that I don't know if I'm looking at 6 more weeks of therapy or 6 more months. More? I have no idea what his vision is for me. Part of me wants to know, part of me is scared his vision is much shorter than mine

Has anyone brought up their own termination timeline?

Perhaps you are looking too far ahead?
Therapy is a journey of EXPLORATION. You don't know where you will end up.

PS: Have you asked him what his plan is?

Ohhh man, I feel the same way. I haven't started properly yet but A. told me to visualise what I want from him helping me and to imagine what it'd be like but.. When I did that I thought, he's going to abandon me too soon. I need on going support because I have conditions that are life long and will never be cured. But, he seems to be already making me think about going back to once every 3 months or once a year. Problem is I don't feel like thinking about.. I feel like I need on going support. It's not scary thinking about it, it just makes me think i'll be alone again if he decides that I need to see him less often and that means going back to struggling.

6 months seems not long to me... But I can totally relate to this what you wrote... Once my T said, that he thinks that for next few weeks I should still come to therapy (I almost freaked out - only few weeks?!),but then another time he said something like, yeah probably after some months we'll solve this issue, so once I asked him about it and he said that he doesn't know, it might be few months or many years but it will be when we both feel that it's okay first to reduce the meetings' frequency and then to stop but it won't be like a strong deadline that we know the date and that will be the absolute end... Maybe you could ask your T, how he sees the ending process? Would you be able to come back if you feel so even after the official end?

I don't understand why a therapist would initiate termination, as long as the client is still getting something from it... Be it large changes, or just having someone to talk to. I understand in cases where the client could potentially become dependent in an unhealthy way, but really. If I keep paying the exorbitant rates and Im not being harmed, I feel like I should be allowed to say when enough is enough. The therapist is benefitting from the consistent income and I'm benefitting from having a listening ear for an hour a week... What's the problem?

Yeah....so I actually suggested we might need to plan terminating soon when I saw T last night. I was feeling fine and pretty good and reflecting on some positive things that have happened in my life lately. I just feel I'm making some significant progress. BUT if I'm brutally honest with myself, I am having a hard time holding just what you said about what is T's plan for this therapy and is he going to end it before I want to end it. Holding that unknown is hard for me and I think it's easier to take what I've gotten from therapy and plan to leave with it being all in my control yeah, I know that sounds wimpy.

I just really like my T and I'd be devastated if he terminated me out of the blue. I'm trying to decide if I want to move on to the next level of my exploration (I guess maybe like in a video game) or if I want to quit while I'm ahead.

Have you asked your T about his agenda or whatnot? I asked mine but it didn't satisfy me /: maybe there is no way to satisfy me because it's not like he can be there for me forever.

That's the same for me, I got an answer from him but I did not believe him. Maybe I will one day when I get to know him better. My first session is on 28th of Jan. Hopefully you too will believe or be satisfied one day with your T's answer.

There is a huge degree of nebulousness to therapy that you have to come to peace with.

Rather than focusing on the end of this journey, why not focus on the road that you have to journey to get to your destination. You can even be a bit (or even a lot) lost on the road still trying to find your bearings. On a road you can only see to the horizon at most. You see what is right ahead of you, but not beyond.

Try to just stay on the road as best you can. Your T can help you perhaps see where you might want to end up, but how long it will take you to get there will depend on factors that can't be predicted necessarily. That's okay.

I did. I thought my termination process would take about 6-8 month, and I would be finishing up this February. I was having 24/7 contact. I went away for the summer with less phone and email contact. Saw my therapist the month of August, 1-2/week with very intense 1 1/2-2 hour sessions working on the biggest and most important thing I failed at in life. After I took care of that, it took 2 weeks, and I was able to walk away from therapy October 8, 2013. I've seen her two times in public. My life has been so busy, even tough at times, yet I usually always go to bed knowing that I did the best I could. I even enjoy waking up in the morning.

Some people stay in therapy their whole lives for various reasons. If you don't feel you need to do that then I think you will know when you've had enough and can walk away.

Ask your therapist what his/her vision is for you.

Interestingly I thought I would have some money to spend on me, but I don't. It's all being spent on college tours and application fees for my kiddo. And, I'm okay with that.

My therapist said that the termination process can take a long time, it doesn't have to be a case of " ok this week is my last week". It can be a process of months, talking about finishing, being ok with it etc. It's all in my control, i leave when i feel ready. And that by the time i'm ready to leave i won't be in the same place i am right now, it won't be the same loss as it would be to me right now because i will have built up resilience. I won't need her as much or at all by that point. And while it will be a little sad it won't be devastating.

How does that sit with you? I have had the same thing (pretty similar) stated to me by my T. That it's up to me and he will always welcome me back if I wanted to end and then return. I find it hard to trust it...

I find it hard to trust it too. She did tell me at our very first meeting when we met that she'd got feedback once at the beginning of her career from a client who had wanted to terminate that she'd been surprised and upset at how quick the termination had taken place and my therapist was upset about how it had made her client feel and resolved never ever to do that again and to allow clients to terminate in their own time. So that gives me a little bit of confidence that she learned from her early mistakes and that she knows how hard is it for clients. Also she's been thru 4 years of her own therapy so knows what it's like for us.

TBH i don't have any other choice but to trust her. Deliberately not trusting her only hampers my progress. I need to trust her and hope for the best.

I practiced doing it. Now I just take breaks.

I like what you said there at the end. I *need* to trust him or I need to leave. That's what I'm thinking anyway...but one of my main problems is trust. Not sure how therapy can help me then. My T did tell me he trusts me though yesterday - one of those parts of the session you remember a day later....

I think you can learn to trust in small increments. You don't need to give over all your trust straight away. You can trust with some things and not others. For me sometimes i think that trust comes naturally whether you want it to or not, i'm not scared of trusting, i'm scared of being hurt. I know i trust my therapist in a lot of ways but i am scared she hurts and disappoints me and that there's not enough of myself left after that hurt to recover.

Wow. That pretty much describes how I feel right now - "but I am scared she hurts and disappoints me and that there's not enough of myself left after that hurt to recover." I'm sorry you can understand but thanks for the support

I'm the same but without the fear! I never feel fear. Weird huh? For me, I trust in small tiny amounts and with certain things because I disliked the feeling of being hurt. I don't fear it. I just disliked it a lot. Giving someone 20% of my trust takes a year or over.

I brought this up with my T the week before last as it was the first session of the new year. Yesterday she surprised me by saying she will see me for a year and in December we will review if I still need to see her. She assured me that she would never see a client if she didn't feel they needed her time each week which reassured me hugely. As I keep thinking I am making it all up and things are not as bad as they feel. But she was amazing and said she thought I was under 'tremendous stress' at the moment and even after a year it doesn't have to end. I'm still not sure what will happen in December but it has made me relax a bit as I kept thinking maybe next week will be the last. I feel too attached to her ATM so I need to work through this as much as the reasons for which i originally started seeing her. It really is a weird process!

Thank,you for starting is thread. Xx

Hi, I am a Social Work student and I learned in class that you need to talk to your counselor about this. The counselor should be talking to you about termination especially if this is something you are worried about. Ask him about it. This sounds like it is really bothering you, so you need to talk about it and I am sure he will give you answers you need.

I have been to my T for over two years now. My therapy goes in waves. At first I wasn't attached then I was super attached. I can't believe it now but I think I'm beginning to get un-attached. Always wonder when I should call this thing off. I've tried and failed. But now that I don't feel so attached anymore I think I might be able to let go. I have discussed this with my T and he is not in agreement with me. I sometimes wonder if this is because he really feels I have unfinished business or I am a good, steady customer. I do hope it's for the right reason. I was thinking about this today, its like so many things in life. You will know when it is time to terminate when it hits you. The bell will go off and you will do it. Just let it progress naturally. You will know.

I didn't know and I stayed too long.

Could you expand on this?

I could, but I don't know how much sense it makes...

After three months of working on what would happen if Madame T were to die, I found a place of peace and contentment. I told her I thought I was ready to leave, but I didn't want to. That would have been the best time to terminate. She could have wound it up fairly easily at that point and we would have parted on the best of terms.

Instead, I kept going for a year - drinking the dregs, I guess. They were bitter. I finally left feeling angry and betrayed. She had nothing left to offer me. I no longer had a problem she was able to help me with. She WAS my problem.

Funny, that's exactly what my T said to me when I was worried I wouldn't know when I was ready to leave. He simply said to me, "Mactastic, you'll know, you'll just know." I wonder here if he's speaking from experience. I know he was in therapy two years (and so he must have developed a relationship to his T, no?) and knew when it was time to end?

I am so sorry to hear this. Sounds like your T was untrustworthy. I guess it's a fine line. You put all your trust into these T's and hope they are doing what is best for you, but sometimes they are in it for themselves. Something I constantly fight with. Is my T doing what is best for me? I hope so!