[clinpsycstudent]

Was reflecting back on my previous experiences with my therapist - and so many things were red flags. She commented on how much make up (apparently) I used to wear, and that could have been overcompensation for me "hiding" my sexuality of being gay (just because I am feminine? ) Though she used to constantly tell me how beautiful I was - after that, I did end up telling her I did not have a lack of self-esteem and it was confusing for me to hear her say that due to my feelings towards her. But at the same time, she held me at arms length and said I couldn't become dependent on her.
I still feel discouraged with her termination towards me - and not being able to contact her again because it is 'innappropriate'.

Ugggh... sorry for the rant - just feeling quite sad Hopefully a new T will help me a lot better!

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by clinpsycstudent

Was reflecting back on my previous experiences with my therapist - and so many things were red flags. She commented on how much make up (apparently) I used to wear, and that could have been overcompensation for me "hiding" my sexuality of being gay (just because I am feminine? ) Though she used to constantly tell me how beautiful I was - after that, I did end up telling her I did not have a lack of self-esteem and it was confusing for me to hear her say that due to my feelings towards her. But at the same time, she held me at arms length and said I couldn't become dependent on her.
I still feel discouraged with her termination towards me - and not being able to contact her again because it is 'innappropriate'.

Ugggh... sorry for the rant - just feeling quite sad Hopefully a new T will help me a lot better!

Wow your previous T has seriously never hear of lipstick lesbians, and she seriously has no idea about how fun and cool makeup can be. I think I actually tend to wear more make up and put more effort into my appearance when I'm feeling better about myself. I can't believe your T would make such a shallow and stereotypical assumption.

Also I would never be ok with a T telling that kind of stuff about my looks, I would also find it confusing. How seriously irresponsible.

And I know what you mean about T's telling you that you can't be dependent on them, my last T did that when I was honest with her about my feelings for her. I wrote these poems as away of telling her, and brought them to session hoping that we could talk about the things I was struggling with in the poems. She basically refused to talk about them, and yelled at me the whole session, telling me how I couldn't depend on her. And she apparently told my next therapist that my feelings were "inappropriate" (apparently having no idea about what erotic transference is). I'm seriously starting to wonder it this some kind of messed up script they teach therapists. If the client falls in love be sure to tell them that they can't depend on you, and categorize their feelings inappropriate.

I'm so mad that this happened to you. It just sounds so messed up. You know I wrote my last T an email telling her exactly how I felt. I asked her in the email to take responsibility for the things that she had done. She never responded of course. But it felt good to do that. Is it possible to write to her without expecting a response?

Why should a T not be held accountable for their actions? Why should they get away with "not responding"? I don't think so....

[AllyIsHopeful]

That is complete BS. I am "gay" (though I absolutely hate labels) and I have always been super feminine. I love makeup, clothing, heels, and pretty hair and no amount of realization or feeling the need to put on a facade just to make a heterosexual woman feel more at ease would change that. Sounds like she has some serious troubles understanding the spectrum of the lgbt community.

I'm really sorry you had this experience. I hope you find someone else you connect with who won't backhandedly cast judgement or make assumptions! This really grinds my gears.

[clinpsycstudent]

Originally Posted by Depletion

Wow your previous T has seriously never hear of lipstick lesbians, and she seriously has no idea about how fun and cool makeup can be. I think I actually tend to wear more make up and put more effort into my appearance when I'm feeling better about myself. I can't believe your T would make such a shallow and stereotypical assumption.

Also I would never be ok with a T telling that kind of stuff about my looks, I would also find it confusing. How seriously irresponsible.

And I know what you mean about T's telling you that you can't be dependent on them, my last T did that when I was honest with her about my feelings for her. I wrote these poems as away of telling her, and brought them to session hoping that we could talk about the things I was struggling with in the poems. She basically refused to talk about them, and yelled at me the whole session, telling me how I couldn't depend on her. And she apparently told my next therapist that my feelings were "inappropriate" (apparently having no idea about what erotic transference is). I'm seriously starting to wonder it this some kind of messed up script they teach therapists. If the client falls in love be sure to tell them that they can't depend on you, and categorize their feelings inappropriate.

I'm so mad that this happened to you. It just sounds so messed up. You know I wrote my last T an email telling her exactly how I felt. I asked her in the email to take responsibility for the things that she had done. She never responded of course. But it felt good to do that. Is it possible to write to her without expecting a response?

It is absolutely awful now I think back on everything I am sorry this happened to you, too - but I am so proud of you for e-mailing your T!
I am training to be a psychologist - and I know that every person that has feelings IS a human being, these feelings are real and important to them - and important to talk about.
I don't understand how the way I looked "overcompensates" for the shame I felt about being gay... when I didn't wear make up, she would say, "You don't have make up on?.... Wow... you don't need it" I was falling for her - and these comments were confusing for me... I wanted to ask her where her feelings towards her giving these complements were coming from... I still wonder - she said I was inappropriate, but the countertransference was just as confusing

[clinpsycstudent]

[QUOTE=AllyIsHopeful;3723434]That is complete BS. I am "gay" (though I absolutely hate labels) and I have always been super feminine. I love makeup, clothing, heels, and pretty hair and no amount of realization or feeling the need to put on a facade just to make a heterosexual woman feel more at ease would change that. Sounds like she has some serious troubles understanding the spectrum of the lgbt community.

I'm really sorry you had this experience. I hope you find someone else you connect with who won't backhandedly cast judgement or make assumptions! This really grinds my gears.[/QUOTE

It is hurtful for me - even today I think back and have no idea how I accepted her words for such a long time. I am not a fan of labels either, and I prefer to just be comfortable being me. I sit and wonder what on earth her motive was to say what she did? Was she uncomfortable around me? Was it such a shock to her to meet a feminine lesbian? I do wish I could send her an e-mail - she definitely won't reply as I am so "inapproprate") after her saying she is always there for me when I terminated.... go figure!

[AllyIsHopeful]

Originally Posted by clinpsycstudent

It is hurtful for me - even today I think back and have no idea how I accepted her words for such a long time. I am not a fan of labels either, and I prefer to just be comfortable being me. I sit and wonder what on earth her motive was to say what she did? Was she uncomfortable around me? Was it such a shock to her to meet a feminine lesbian? I do wish I could send her an e-mail - she definitely won't reply as I am so "inapproprate") after her saying she is always there for me when I terminated.... go figure!

It was her personal issues that made her say that. Evidently she did not know how to handle that and really only exhibited incompetence...she made herself look bad. Honestly, yes, it is a shock to many people to meet a feminine lesbian. I have heard way too many times "Why do you want to be gay? You are beautiful and could have any guy you want!" My response is always "I am beautiful so I can't be gay?" Followed by "you're an idiot and you make no sense" (in my head, lol). The rudest comment I've received was "what a perfectly good waste of such beauty". It's incredibly offensive.

The way I interpret the "inappropriate" stance, is that it would be inappropriate and unethical for her to continue seeing you, knowing you are hurting from erotic/romantic transference. Usually it is different when client and T are both heterosexual, but client experiences erotic/romantic transference. That is easier to work through because it most likely cannot be taken at face value, and could be the cause of something deeper.
In my opinion, even if roles were reversed and she was gay, it would be inappropriate for her to continue seeing you if you have erotic transference. I know some T's are amazing and will work through it with the client regardless of gender and orientation issues, but most don't feel ethical doing so....Possibly because they feel the relationship will begin to cause more pain than healing for you? There are many ways to look at this.

I hope all of this is making sense.

But I know, no matter how you look at it, it is still so incredibly painful and confusing. If you feel the need to email her I think you should go for it. Just go into it realizing she may not respond. Maybe to prevent the stress you can even ask her not to respond? Just a suggestion. Whatever you decide, I hope you feel better soon and I am so sorry you are hurting.

[clinpsycstudent]

Thank you for your reply - it means so much I know that she won't reply to any of my messages anyway - as messaging her now is innappropriate - apparently everything I did was innappropriate/strange to her... the way I am feeling about it right now It was such a messy termination - I do hope all these feelings get better. Her saying I was innappropriate was also due to one of my hyperactive episodes that she thought was strange - but didn't tell me until after termination. It made it so difficult, as I had to go back to my psychiatrist and got another diagnosis of bipolar.

[Depletion]

I don't think you are inappropriate. And I think that her comments about your sexuality were inappropriate. I don't really see why the onus is on the client to behave "appropriately" in therapy. It seems like the place where you just come to behave as you behave, and the therapist is supposed to help you work that out. If how you behave is not good for the therapist then obviously there should be a referral (or if you were violent, then I guess there would have to be consequences). But I just have a hard time with this idea of the client being appropriate in therapy. It seems very strange to me.

Overall it just really seems like your last t didn't understand you.

[clinpsycstudent]

That is the other issue I had - she never gave me any referrels and said I could not contact her... when I was in quite a severe depression, she still said I couldn't e-mail, text or anything
It made me quite self-conscious in therapy - as she was commenting on my looks, and obviously after all this - my "appropriateness". I needed someone that I could just be myself with, that I could let my guard down - cry, yell, scream and laugh. I remember her talking to me about a fashion boutique in town - and I said I didn't know about it. She said, "I thought you were into fashion?" She assumed I knew lots of things about our therapy too, due to the fact I am studying to be a clinician. I did - but I was happy to learn from her! She would say often that I did not need her... but I did

I'm really sorry this happened to you. To be frank, your past therapist sounds like an insensitive, incompetent b**ch. You didn't deserve any of those words, especially coming from a 'professional'. :eyeroll: From what you've said, as other have reiterated, you weren't 'inappropriate'. I'm heterosexual and haven't gone through the exact same thing. However it's extremely ignorant to put down the next person for what they can't help. In an earlier comment someone related to you and mentioned that was a word someone used on them: 'chose.' Ugggghhh...don't get me started!

Especially after reading your last post, it seems to me your suspicions about her having issues of her own are completely accurate. SHE was uncomfortable with YOUR sexuality and your feelings for her so she kept focusing on it. Basically, she made it an issue and tried to turn it on you saying it was yours, even though you made it clear it was not. As for the constant compliments, it's always possible she was envious of your looks. I understand too, as I've experienced being overly scrutinized in therapy. Regardless a true professional would not do these things and you didn't deserve any of it.

I know this will be hard for you to take in; though think of it this way: she did you a favor. You're no longer dealing with her and her s**tty ignorance. I hope your next therapist listens to and 'appropriately' addresses your needs.

[bixkf]

Originally Posted by Depletion

And I think that her comments about your sexuality were inappropriate.

I find that when a therapist makes statements that either are or sound judgemental, they hit right at the core of the client. My very first session with T was straightforward with lots of questions about family, friends, relationships, sexual experiences, etc. It was hard to say to her at the time that I had homosexual relations with my best friend when I was younger, and that it was essentially a one-way giving relationship...I gave him pleasure when I wanted and he never reciprocated. That was the relationship and I liked it that way. Now at the start of the second session, T asked me to talk more about this event but referred to it as "the gay trauma" i went through.

That one went right to the heart and REALLY hurt.

This is why ts should have their own therapy to deal with their own issues and not to let them deep through to their clients.
Quite a lot of ts I have seen haven't been comfortable with my sexuality too, it's sad that it interferes with their clients therapy... Sorry to anyone who has been through it we are confused enough without someone we trust trying to implant their ideas about us in our heads

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by clinpsycstudent

That is the other issue I had - she never gave me any referrels and said I could not contact her... when I was in quite a severe depression, she still said I couldn't e-mail, text or anything
It made me quite self-conscious in therapy - as she was commenting on my looks, and obviously after all this - my "appropriateness". I needed someone that I could just be myself with, that I could let my guard down - cry, yell, scream and laugh. I remember her talking to me about a fashion boutique in town - and I said I didn't know about it. She said, "I thought you were into fashion?" She assumed I knew lots of things about our therapy too, due to the fact I am studying to be a clinician. I did - but I was happy to learn from her! She would say often that I did not need her... but I did

She didn't give you referrals??? I'm pretty sure that is Illegal and counts as client abandonment. Regardless of what her own feelings where she was still obligated to help you find someone else. She sounds very irresponsible. And I can't believe that she would say that you did not need her. It sounds like she thinks that people who study therapy do not need therapy. What a naive belief. It makes me so angry that she would treat you this way. And once again there is nothing inappropriate about who you are.

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

This is why ts should have their own therapy to deal with their own issues and not to let them deep through to their clients.

A million times yes. I have to second this.

What's amazing to me though, is that in my state it's required before they enter the profession - and I have STILL met a number of therapists who appeared to be incompetent.

[AllyIsHopeful]

Originally Posted by clinpsycstudent

That is the other issue I had - she never gave me any referrels and said I could not contact her... when I was in quite a severe depression, she still said I couldn't e-mail, text or anything

I'm pretty positive this is something you could report to a licensing board. They are ethically bound to give you at least 3 referrals if they decide to terminate the relationship. This makes me even more angry with her! I would definitely still contact her and remind her of her obligations as a professional and if she failed to respond, probably report her.

[clinpsycstudent]

Some interesting updates! Thank you all for your replies
I met with my psychiatrist whom had spoken with my T....... she said we both needed to get together again and deal with the stong feelings developed. She said boundaries can be blurred in a therapeutic context, etc. She also said she didn't think it was any mood or mental disorder - but that I was dealing with some very powerful emotions associated with my T. She knows my T, and said we both have the strength to overcome and get through it. I am not sure if it was just me - or T had some sort of feelings too that impacted our relationship? I am afraid to go back - as it will be so personal and difficult. Psychiatrist said I needed to send her an e-mail explaining what we needed to do, and that she will send one too. I have not heard back from T and it's nearly been a week. I feel after both me and my Psych e-mailing her that she is at least professionally obliged to respond to me (even with her "don't contact me") e-mails. Now the psychiatrist has recommended what we should do - I cannot understand why she would still ignore it? Perhaps she hasn't had time to reply, but waiting is unbearable sometimes - I just want to sort it out Psych said she will refer me to someone else if T cannot handle the feelings.

Originally Posted by clinpsycstudent

Some interesting updates! Thank you all for your replies
I met with my psychiatrist whom had spoken with my T....... she said we both needed to get together again and deal with the stong feelings developed. She said boundaries can be blurred in a therapeutic context, etc. She also said she didn't think it was any mood or mental disorder - but that I was dealing with some very powerful emotions associated with my T. She knows my T, and said we both have the strength to overcome and get through it. I am not sure if it was just me - or T had some sort of feelings too that impacted our relationship? I am afraid to go back - as it will be so personal and difficult. Psychiatrist said I needed to send her an e-mail explaining what we needed to do, and that she will send one too. I have not heard back from T and it's nearly been a week. I feel after both me and my Psych e-mailing her that she is at least professionally obliged to respond to me (even with her "don't contact me") e-mails. Now the psychiatrist has recommended what we should do - I cannot understand why she would still ignore it? Perhaps she hasn't had time to reply, but waiting is unbearable sometimes - I just want to sort it out Psych said she will refer me to someone else if T cannot handle the feelings.

I'm sorry to say, it sounds like she really can't handle her issues. Note I said her. Really immature of her considering she's supposed to be clear, direct and professional. If you want follow your doc's referral; if they're at a center...if it were me I wouldn't be comfortable continuing to go there. "/ But that's up to you. If you're fine with it, you should report her.

For you:

[clinpsycstudent]

Originally Posted by herpoorsoul

I'm sorry to say, it sounds like she really can't handle her issues. Note I said her. Really immature of her considering she's supposed to be clear, direct and professional. If you want follow your doc's referral; if they're at a center...if it were me I wouldn't be comfortable continuing to go there. "/ But that's up to you. If you're fine with it, you should report her.

For you:

Thank you for your hugs I have no idea what I should do, they both worked at the college clinic - but T doesn't work there anymore, hence why doc knows her. It is interesting - as doc sent an e-mail to her too, so at least I think it is her duty of care to respond - even if it is to say she doesn't feel comfortable continuing the sessions. In one of her last messages, she told me to follow doc's advice - so that is what I am doing! I am trying to help both of us - but as my doc said, it's about two people with feelings that are very strong, not just the one (me). I know and understand that I shouldn't have e-mailed/messaged as much as I did - but she also needs to know that she didn't implement boundaries to begin with until it became an issue. It got so confusing - and apparently I am difficult to follow! I am not my T's psychologist - and I don't want to be running after her. I am already in love with her, so I don't need any more feeling topped onto that

[Depletion]

I know what your T is doing is unprofessional and wrong, but it's time to move on. I really strongly suggest that you see another T so that you can work though what went on with previous T, and whatever else you were working on in therapy. It's very hard to go though something like this and you should have council.

Also I'm a little unclear on what it is you are hoping to get out of Emailing old T. Do you want referrals, are you trying to make your feelings known. Are you trying to work though what happened in the relationship?

[clinpsycstudent]

Originally Posted by Depletion

I know what your T is doing is unprofessional and wrong, but it's time to move on. I really strongly suggest that you see another T so that you can work though what went on with previous T, and whatever else you were working on in therapy. It's very hard to go though something like this and you should have council.

Also I'm a little unclear on what it is you are hoping to get out of Emailing old T. Do you want referrals, are you trying to make your feelings known. Are you trying to work though what happened in the relationship?

Thanks for your message! Actually, I was not too interested in seeing her again - but psychiatrist said it was time for both of us to work through it together, and to make the feelings known so we can either have appropriate closure, or continue working together. She said I should e-mail her, psychiatrist e-mailed her too. So, I thought I should follow the psychiatrists' advice and e-mail her about it. She also said that I will see another T if previous T did not want to work through it. It would be beneficial to hear a yes or no to me and psychiatrists' request to work through - does it make sense? I guess it just seemed a bit strange to not reply back to both another professional and the client - but I am definitely ready to move on