Wanting a counter-transference response?

I was just reading another thread - and just thought of something insightful.... has anyone actually wanted a counter-transference response from their T? (Where it is happiness, anger, love, romantic.... etc)

I just had an "aha!" moment.... For those that have been reading about my experiences with my former T... perhaps I wanted her to feel something for me. The situation had greatly reflected a confusing relationship with my former professor, whom I thought would be a safe person to have romantic feelings for... until she developed feelings for me. And it didn't feel safe for me to explore.

For me, I think I was afraid former T would develop feelings - just as my professor had done. But at the same time, I wanted her too - just for the situation to feel 'complete'.
I think that is why I got so upset also when she terminated me so quickly after the blurry boundaries and compliments - did her feelings get too much for her and she didn't want to repeat what had previously happened with me? What would it mean for me if she did say she had feelings - would I feel hurt and unsafe again - hence she had to leave me before the relationship did not become therapeutic?
Just some interesting conversation!

I have wanted my T to get angry with me.... I told him. I wanted him to yell at me, to kick me out etc. He didn't, but he did want me to own my feelings of anger/rage. I'm getting there but it's been a challenge. Because it feels very split off. In fact, I couldn't even see the anger as mine as it just wasn't a visible feeling. I thought he was angry with me. I've recently felt more gratitude toward him in that therapy is really important to me. I told him a bit about that but not too in depth. I don't think I'd want him to care about me too much though as that feels really scary. Like really terrifying. I don't want him to touch me either and I told him so. It would be too much.

I wish to figure this out for my situation also.. With my ex-t, I wanted a countertransference situation - still do - really, but in a safe way. As much as I want him to feel that way towards me, it would probably feel terrifying if he acted on it. Maybe I like that feeling though, just a little bit. Like being an adrenaline junky or something, because it makes me feel more alive.

Either that or it would complete a pattern for me by making a safe situation/person unsafe.

Something like that anyways...

transference/countertransference; just fancy words for feelings......feelings go back and forth between ANY two people.

I think if you wanted it like your previous situation, that is still your transference talking. No telling what T's feelings were. Even if she behaved the same as your professor, still would not know her background to know if it what was hers (nicoleflynn's feelings) and what were her transference issues, if she wasn't already aware of them. T's learn to use their counter-transference to help inform them with cases, not get in the way like our transference does to us at first.

We all do. That's part of therapy. We expect it. But it's the T's job to not be pulled into that dance we all do. And that's why there are boundaries. It's because it is normal to do that, and it's also bad for the client if the T starts to give them that. Just because that's what happened doesn't make it your fault. It's still the T'a responsibility to maintain the boundaries.

Thanks for all the replies! I often think it is my fault and that I am carrying the burden of it (she probably isn't loosing sleep over it or worried as I am!) But feelings are feelings - and I guess the spontaneous nature of them can be the beauty of it and that they should be embraced

I thought my ex t was having conter-transference. My experience of her was so intense that it felt spiritual to me (an I'm not really a spiritual person). But it turned out that she didn't feel connected to me (or at least she didn't confess feeling connected to me). In fact I found out that she felt just the opposite. She said that she was nauseated by my feelings for her, and had found our sessions almost unbearable. So I guess that is a kind of conter-transference reaction, but not the one I secretly hopped for.

But even if she had feelings for me, I really never wanted anything to happen. I was relived when I had feelings for her, because I had for so long had feelings for teachers, and in college my obsessions with professors were out of control.

To hear your ex T say that she was nauseated and your sessions were unbearable must have felt awful...did she explain why this happened? What was her conclusion on that one?

nope she told me that in the last appointment we ever had, after she found out that I looked at her facebook. I'm pretty sure she had some serious issues around being gay, and didn't seem very ok with sexuality in general. I wish it had gone differently but that's what happened. I'm with a new T now, and doing better. But yes it hurt an awful lot to here those things, especially when the relationship had meant so much to me. I literally trusted her so much that I would fall asleep with theses visions of her floating above my bed protecting me.... sigh

I feel the same about my current T. She is pulling back and putting up more boundaries to keep me away. I think she is disgusted by me. It hurts as I need her so badly to hold me right now but I know this will never happen.

I think that would be very difficult to hear from anyone, but so much more so from a T. And, while some very skilled Ts might be able to share those kinds of counter-transference feelings with a client in a way that progresses the work of the therapy, revealing it in the final session seems cruel. I'm sorry that happened to you.
Are you glad that she told you or would you rather she hadn't?

As for wanting to provoke feelings in my T, yes. In general, I want to know I matter enough to cause a blip on his radar now and then - that I'm not invisible, worthless, powerless, etc.

Depletion, that therapist sounds horrid and I'm so sorry they completely botched their job with that destructive comment at your final session. Clearly, not everyone who can pass the classes is fit to do the sacred work.

As for me, I did start therapy knowing I was looking for a maternal figure, someone I could turn to for guidance and comfort about parenting, which then expanded to sharing my whole life. I wasn't expecting as much as I ended up receiving though. I'm grateful for her responsiveness to my desire for a mother-figure.

Conversely, I would sometimes feel more comfortable if she did just get upset at me as my own mother would, shut me out or turn on me. It's hard, of course, to be so vulnerable and wait for those reactions: not having that cycle of openness and resulting injury recur is actually anxiety-inducing, haha, or it was when I began. My ability to tolerate her acceptance and understanding of me has definitely grown.

Yea for transference, yea for counter-transference, haha. I hardly even look at them that way anymore, but just as two well-matched people meeting each others needs, her for a challenging, interesting client who can provide financial support and me for a caring, dedicated guide and mother figure who can provide emotional support and challenge me too!

I definitely relate to wanting to get some kind of specific reaction from my T. Realizing that made me see how I look for specific reactions from other people in my life. I expect my spouse to praise me for doing some horrid household chore, my children to love me for doing something nice for them, my friends to think x,y,z about me when I say or do whatever I'm saying or doing. Even here on PC, I find I can be disappointed when I don't get the reaction that I want.

Now I work on not needing people to give me certain reactions, or to be aware of how my need for a reaction can have a negative impact on the other person or the relationship. My T says it's a boundary thing-- that when we allow other people to have their boundaries, we don't need them to react to us in specific ways. I'm not sure it's just that simple, but it feels true that is at least a piece of it.

I really liked your response Listen More Talk Less...
It just really resonated with me.

Although I see my T as different from any other "male" I have ever known...sometimes when I am at my lowest, I still 'wait for' him to yell or hit or berate me. I even said that to him one time...."I wish you would just yell at me and get it over...."
He never did. The anticipation of the blow, still remains sometimes. I have to work on this and I do tell him these things...

I strongly agree that transference and counter-transference are just feelings and awareness of responses to one another and are tools for learning how we relate and interact. They are NOT in and of themselves negative/destructive/improper/or sexual. We all react and it is for the Therapist to interpret and direct them and keep things safe.

I'm so very sorry that many have had feelings hurt or been abused within a therapeutic alliance or had misconstrued feeling or had expectations that were dismissed or broken...that is painful!
The more open and honest we can be with our therapists and communicate our vulnerabilities and strengths the better the relationships will be....

It is hard to be vulnerable and harder to change. But being where we are is not working...so we have to try. And therapy can create beautiful change and healing. It takes a lot of work and integrity on both sides.

Best of healing for each of us..
WB

Transference and counter transference, never understood them and if they happen I cant say I would be aware. As for T if it happens to her she would say nothing.
Mind you she mostly says nothing so nothing new their

I wish on the whole that she hadn't told me that, it was very damaging, but it was also good to find out in away (even though it hurt so much), because it showed me how truly unprepared/unable she was to deal with transference. So it made leaving her easier in away. But I don't think that anyone should ever be told that, it I had been in a more unstable place I hate to think how I might have reacted.

I hope that's not the case that sounds so terrible. I hope she's not a bad T like mine. I like to hope/think that my case is the exception. I'm so sorry to hear that you are hurting like that.

I think maybe we all look for a certain reaction from other people to some degree. How aware we are of this is entirely another thing. I wish I could say more, but I feel pretty stuck/lost about this right now. I just know that having people emotionally close to me is scary.

I think some of it is elemental, deeply instinctive, primal. I am reminded of dogs in the pack. In terms of counter-transference, we may want to elicit affirming, nurturing reactions, but if we're used to dismissive, damaging reactions, we may want to trigger those too: the underlying need in both cases is to know our place and to feel secure.

So the response we *want* may not be the same as the response we try to get. We try for security sometimes rather than pleasure. I'm thinking about risk tolerance now.

Anyhow, back to the salt mines.

Thanks all for the responses! I too am saddened to hear the negative experiences others have had in relation to their relationship with their therapist. It is so disheartening when the consequences are detrimental to the client

It definitely is a terrifying process - I know for myself, I am not too sure how I would react if I knew former T had feelings (whatever they may be) - though I want to bring it up when I see her for another session, I am not too sure yet what it would mean to me - and if she would actually disclose anything... it makes me nervous!

Omg. She needs to be reported.

She closed her practice, and is now a military psych. I'm not sure that there is much that I can do. She's in a different state now.