[rainbow8]

Crummy session! I feel totally awful. Sitting in my car crying! She said she never implied I'm bisexual. End of that discussion.

I told her how hard 2 weeks is and she suggested journaling after the session and only emailing her after 1 week. She wants me to stay connected internally so would rather I don't email at all. She asked if I had anything of hers and I reminded her of the heart stone she gave me once, and a recording of a visualization. I also said I read over old emails when she used to answer me.

I told her I miss being able to tell her the things I'm doing during the week so she asked if I had someone who wants to hear. I said I don't. I asked about her emailing me hi or a short phone call but she doesn't want to do that.

I forgot about holding her hand so we only had 5 minutes left and she told me we had to stop on time because the next person was on a tight schedule.

I said I had the urge to google her and go on FB and she said there's nothing new there. I said I wanted to know something new about her and all she came up with was that she got a new laptop which was right there.

I tried to talk about sex so she said why don't I let it go since I don't like it and my H isn't interested.

She was tired today and yawned a few times. I feel totally disconnected to her and I don't want to leave the parking lot.

What can I do? I understand needing to internalize her and not need her so I can quit therapy but it hurts so much. She's the one I want to turn to but she doesn't want me to. Maybe I just need to quit now. Please can I have hugs and support but please don't criticize my T.

Bad sessions suck, Rainbow. Right there with you today. I spent at least five minutes crying in the bathroom after mine. Hugs.

[Wysteria]

I'm so very sorry that you are hurting Rainbow. I feel for you and hope that you can indeed find ways to internalize what she has taught you and feel her presence when she is not around. I like that you have your heart stone and recordings. Sometimes, okay all the time, my littlest "part" of me sits under T's desk so at least I know that she is safe.

I wish you only some peace and the confidence you need to go forward. I'm glad that your T cares so much about you...

Gentle hugs,
Wysteria

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( rainbow8 ))))))))

[Aloneandafraid]

Hi Rainbow. I'm so sorry you had an upsetting session. It is so difficult to leave when they go like that - when all you want to do is feel validated and 'held'. I am sending you hugs and strength to get through to the next session which I am sure will be more positive and hopefully healing. Keep with it Rainbow, you are doing so well. I know exactly how you feel.

[HazelGirl]

I don't think there's a reason to criticize your T. She really wants what is best for you, and that is difficult for you.

[someone321]

I'm really sorry that you had so bad session... It sucks when T offers something at the beginning but when the time goes by, they decide to take some stuff back...

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Bad sessions suck, Rainbow. Right there with you today. I spent at least five minutes crying in the bathroom after mine. Hugs.

I'm sorry it happened to you too. You're right! Bad sessions suck. And I have 2 weeks to try and forget about it. I'm home now and crying. Tried to tell my H and he said "you're enmeshed." Big help, huh.

Originally Posted by Wysteria

I'm so very sorry that you are hurting Rainbow. I feel for you and hope that you can indeed find ways to internalize what she has taught you and feel her presence when she is not around. I like that you have your heart stone and recordings. Sometimes, okay all the time, my littlest "part" of me sits under T's desk so at least I know that she is safe.

I wish you only some peace and the confidence you need to go forward. I'm glad that your T cares so much about you...

Gentle hugs,
Wysteria

Thanks, Wysteria. Right now I'm having trouble believing my T cares. Part of me knows she would be really happy if I could quit therapy and feel good about doing that. She's trying to help me get there. But other parts feel she is rejecting me. It hurts so bad.

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

(((((((( rainbow8 ))))))))

Thanks very much for the hugs, and for my favorite hearts, fuzzybear. They help.

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

Hi Rainbow. I'm so sorry you had an upsetting session. It is so difficult to leave when they go like that - when all you want to do is feel validated and 'held'. I am sending you hugs and strength to get through to the next session which I am sure will be more positive and hopefully healing. Keep with it Rainbow, you are doing so well. I know exactly how you feel.

Thanks, aloneandafraid. I don't know how you can manage 8 weeks without T. I can't manage two. I want to be strong and not email or google her or look on FB. I want to not want her! I will have this pattern until I die.

[stopdog]

When I have a worse than usual appointment, I usually cancel more until I sort it out for myself.

[sweepy62]

Sorry you didn't have an ideal session . We all have them. Sending you a big hug.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[growlycat]

Hugs, Rainbow!!! I hate those off-kilter sessions!!! It must be hard esp. since it is once every two weeks.

Is your T against notes in the mail too? Maybe you could mail a snail mail note with your thoughts to talk about next session. ?

I know how awful that disconnect can feel. Lots of hugs here. Keep talking here if you need support.

[RTerroni]

I feel the same with my my new "therapist" and I have a feeling that my session next weel will be my last session with her.

[pbutton]

Bad sessions do suck. I had one last week. The weird thing is T and I talked about it today and I learned about it it through his perspective (and he mine) and it was very enlightening. So maybe something good can come of it?

Quite a ***** to have to WAIT until that next session though. So sorry. I really struggled when I went every 2 weeks. It was miserable for me.

[bounceback]

So sorry to hear your session sucked rainbow. Been there. Got the T-shirt. I know how hard it is to internalize the caring. Sometimes I don't think mine cares much either but other times I think she does. I sent her a message on my chart telling her that I didn't feel like she cared about me and she got offended and I got the lecture about boundaries and all that.

I have been seeing my T almost 6 years and will be eventually winding down and dreading it. I am not where I want to be in life. I know the feeling of thinking your T wants to be free of you. Right now I see her every week because I recently lost my mom. She always tells me therapy isn't supposed to last forever which I already know.

Sometimes it feels like she is the only person I can talk to about anything.

So I emphasize with you and hope your next session goes better.

[Wren_]

Rain ... it seems like the two of you continue to have different goals for your therapy

In reading it seems more like you want your T to be someone to be there for you, who will give you regular comforting contact ... someone to share your life with as far as being able to tell them what is happening for you; to talk to them about different things; and have your T provide an ongoing positive and supportive environment for you

No matter how much you internalise her ... I don't see how it would really meet the need it seems you have ... which is also a perfectly valid need

Sorry this was such a bad session .. I really hope you can talk more about all of this with her

[rainbow8]

Thanks, everyone, for all of the hugs!!!! Do you, anyone, think I should try to journal and not email at all, at least until next week? I tried it in the past and it didn't help but it's what my T is suggesting. I don't know how to not think about her, though. Only my Mom wanted to know all the details. I told T that. No one else in my life is going to listen to me. I feel so lost right now. Tomorrow I have yoga and swimming so that should help. But T suggested both of them to me, so I think about her then too. Not in a bad way, but she's all over, inside of me, and I feel like she betrayed me or something. Idk. I'm rambling.....

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I don't think there's a reason to criticize your T. She really wants what is best for you, and that is difficult for you.

Thank you. I know she wants what's best for me, which is to not have to contact her between sessions, and to feel connected to her, like she is with me all the time. I felt that for a month or so, when she started holding my hand again, but it didn't last. I don't know what to do. I feel like she rejected me today. I wish I could just forget about her but I can't.

Originally Posted by someone321

I'm really sorry that you had so bad session... It sucks when T offers something at the beginning but when the time goes by, they decide to take some stuff back...

Thank you. My T took stuff back, but at least she will hold my hand again.

Originally Posted by stopdog

When I have a worse than usual appointment, I usually cancel more until I sort it out for myself.

I'm happy that works for you but I want to see my T MORE, not LESS. I have to sort out being able to deal with my feelings, but not seeing her would make it worse. I don't understand you, and you know that, stopdog, but I appreciate your posting in my threads.

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Sorry you didn't have an ideal session . We all have them. Sending you a big hug.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thanks, sweepy.

Originally Posted by growlycat

Hugs, Rainbow!!! I hate those off-kilter sessions!!! It must be hard esp. since it is once every two weeks.

Is your T against notes in the mail too? Maybe you could mail a snail mail note with your thoughts to talk about next session. ?

I know how awful that disconnect can feel. Lots of hugs here. Keep talking here if you need support.

Thank you. No, I'm sure my T would not want me to send her a note. The idea is for me to soothe myself, to internalize her being here with me, and I was starting to do that. I don't know what happened. She wants me to journal instead. I said I post here but she said there is something about handwriting?? Does anyone know about that?

Originally Posted by RTerroni

I feel the same with my my new "therapist" and I have a feeling that my session next weel will be my last session with her.

Thank you, RT. I understand what you're going through.

[Petra5ed]

It happens, and it sucks when it does. Sorry you're hurting.

Do you, anyone, think I should try to journal and not email at all, at least until next week?

You'll probably hate my answer to this, but yes that's what I think. I know how difficult it is, and I have been there and caved and sent emails I shouldn't have, but now I feel more connected with less communication... it sounds like a loss but really it is a massive improvement in my life. Journal, meditate, go for a walk and practice being ok by yourself as much as possible. I mean if you break down then email, but do try . It takes multiple tries too, it's not going to be easy sorry to say.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by pbutton

Bad sessions do suck. I had one last week. The weird thing is T and I talked about it today and I learned about it it through his perspective (and he mine) and it was very enlightening. So maybe something good can come of it?

Quite a ***** to have to WAIT until that next session though. So sorry. I really struggled when I went every 2 weeks. It was miserable for me.

Thank you, pb. I hope that happens to me too. I've been doing well so maybe this is a small setback.

Originally Posted by bounceback

So sorry to hear your session sucked rainbow. Been there. Got the T-shirt. I know how hard it is to internalize the caring. Sometimes I don't think mine cares much either but other times I think she does. I sent her a message on my chart telling her that I didn't feel like she cared about me and she got offended and I got the lecture about boundaries and all that.

I have been seeing my T almost 6 years and will be eventually winding down and dreading it. I am not where I want to be in life. I know the feeling of thinking your T wants to be free of you. Right now I see her every week because I recently lost my mom. She always tells me therapy isn't supposed to last forever which I already know.

Sometimes it feels like she is the only person I can talk to about anything.

So I emphasize with you and hope your next session goes better.

Thank you. I'm sorry about your Mom. I know T cares most of the time and that's why she wants me to be happy in my life, without needing her. It's hard. I want therapy to be forever but I don't think my T agrees with me.

Originally Posted by tigergirl

Rain ... it seems like the two of you continue to have different goals for your therapy

In reading it seems more like you want your T to be someone to be there for you, who will give you regular comforting contact ... someone to share your life with as far as being able to tell them what is happening for you; to talk to them about different things; and have your T provide an ongoing positive and supportive environment for you

No matter how much you internalise her ... I don't see how it would really meet the need it seems you have ... which is also a perfectly valid need

Sorry this was such a bad session .. I really hope you can talk more about all of this with her

Yes, I wish my T could be like that for me. She's been like that in the past when I had 90 minutes. I never did well with 60. But reality is that no one can be there like my fantasy person. My mother almost was, but she wasn't always comforting. She was there to listen to me, though.

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

It happens, and it sucks when it does. Sorry you're hurting.

You'll probably hate my answer to this, but yes that's what I think. I know how difficult it is, and I have been there and caved and sent emails I shouldn't have, but now I feel more connected with less communication... it sounds like a loss but really it is a massive improvement in my life. Journal, meditate, go for a walk and practice being ok by yourself as much as possible. I mean if you break down then email, but do try . It takes multiple tries too, it's not going to be easy sorry to say.

No, I appreciate your being honest, Petra. I'm going to try! I was much happier those weeks I didn't think about my T. I didn't have to force myself not to email then. Holding her hand sustained me for the 2 weeks. I've got to get that feeling back again. I will journal about today and probably cry a lot. I want the 2 weeks to go fast but I know I need to be mindful and live in the present. It's a struggle. I keep busy but it doesn't seem like enough.

[unaluna]

I dont understand what you want. Like tigergirl said, what is your goal now for therapy? But back to what you want. Is there an obstacle to getting what you want? If you want someone to listen to you, if that is a friend, usually you have to listen back, but with a friend you have things in common, things you find appealing about the person, so you enjoy yourself talking or listening.

It sounds like you do a lot of things, but the real enjoyment comes in talking about these activities to your t? Maybe that is a clue. Like you could/should be a movie critic. Just thinking out loud here.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by hankster

I dont understand what you want. Like tigergirl said, what is your goal now for therapy? But back to what you want. Is there an obstacle to getting what you want? If you want someone to listen to you, if that is a friend, usually you have to listen back, but with a friend you have things in common, things you find appealing about the person, so you enjoy yourself talking or listening.

It sounds like you do a lot of things, but the real enjoyment comes in talking about these activities to your t? Maybe that is a clue. Like you could/should be a movie critic. Just thinking out loud here.

Idk, hankster. All my Ts told me I have attachment issues because of unmet needs. I just want to be happy and not frustrated and anxious. I want to not want my T. I want the SE to work. I always want my Ts to be what they can't be to me. Everything! Mother, partner, friend, maybe sister. I never had s sister. Whatever I want is unreasonable. I just want T to help me get over all of this stuff but I give up. It's something I have to live with like my allergies. Addiction to T. It's in my blood or something. I wish I weren't me any more!

[rainbow8]

At least I didn't email T tonight but I didn't journal yet. I'm exhausted and going to bed. Maybe I'll wake up and it will be Tuesday again like the movie, Groundhog Day. I could do over my session and have a better outcome.

[Gavinandnikki]

There is a hole in our hearts that we need our Ts to fill. I finally realized that I just have to learn to live with the hole. Waiting for my T to fill it intensified the yearning and anguish.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Idk, hankster. All my Ts told me I have attachment issues because of unmet needs. I just want to be happy and not frustrated and anxious. I want to not want my T. I want the SE to work. I always want my Ts to be what they can't be to me. Everything! Mother, partner, friend, maybe sister. I never had s sister. Whatever I want is unreasonable. I just want T to help me get over all of this stuff but I give up. It's something I have to live with like my allergies. Addiction to T. It's in my blood or something. I wish I weren't me any more!

Maybe it's not that what you want is unreasonable but that you're trying to get something from therapy that can only come from working on a relationship in the outside world, like with a partner, as you alluded to wanting a mother/partner/friend/sister. That your attachment needs need to be met through a more regular, typical attachment.

There's something very deeply satisfying about having a partner or very close, deep female relationships like that which can be replicated in therapy, but only an hour at a time, occasionally.

It's like prostitution in one sense, emotional prostitution, that surrogacy.

I don't mean that in an offensive way or as a slur. I think escorts do respectable work and important, but that they act as more of a bridge, if anything, a temporary substitute, not a partner.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

There is a hole in our hearts that we need our Ts to fill. I finally realized that I just have to learn to live with the hole. Waiting for my T to fill it intensified the yearning and anguish.

Yes I think you're right. My current T has come closer to filling it than any other T but it still feels like she's dangling the carrot right in front of me but as hard as we both try I can't reach it. That is torture, isn't it?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

There is a hole in our hearts that we need our Ts to fill. I finally realized that I just have to learn to live with the hole. Waiting for my T to fill it intensified the yearning and anguish.

Im seeing this like the inside of a Rapunzel tower. I needed t to brick up the sides of the hole, so when i do fill it, water or whatever doesnt leak out immediately or the sides crumple in. T provides the structure but not the residents of the zoo