I hate you

Nuh-uh. This is meant to be a supportive forum.

Nobody, including the OP, has seriously suggested that the therapist has done something wrong here. This doesn't call for self-righteousness or judgement about who is in the right in this scenario; just helping Asia navigate this crisis and the very common feelings of rage that accompany it.

Echo this.

Woohoo,lol

Not saying that this T is doing what you are inferring at all!!......

However...how would any T responding to a client, in a situation such as this, in the manner you describe go any way to changing potentially damaging and historic patterns such a client may have experienced in the past? Does it not make more sense for a T to remain steady and fast in the face of such anger(totally justified and allowed if the client is experiencing) and showing the client a kinder way of being.....and therefore leading to resolving the reasons behind the anger.

OP..... all of your feelings are ok, and worth discussing with your T. I am sure your T will work through this with you.....if you want her to.

did you even read my original post before getting on your high-horse? Or were you so eager to get up there that you thought you could skip it?

I am not reliant on her for a start. Secondly, if you know anything about therapy, you'll know reliance/dependence is an important stage of therapy, particularly with my background. Also if you'd taken a breath before launching into your holier than thou speech there, and actually knew me or my therapy or my story, then you'd know that my therapist does allow texting. Preferably in crisis only but she does let me text, she just won't reply if she feels it's a conversation needed to be had face to face.
Also, if I could control my "bratty tantrumming behaviour" I wouldn't need therapy would I? As my therapist always say " this is the work".

She should ignore me? That sounds therapeutic. What book is that from?

Normally it's what I'd do too. Like I said, next morning usually I'd be crippled with shame and desperate to fix it. This time I'm not, I don't feel particularly sorry (yet) I'm surprised by my lack of emotion over all of this, all I feel is defiance.

Thank you Moon
There's a lot behind the "bratty" behaviour. A lot of history. Mine and from the therapeutic relationship. Being anxious and being unable to reach out to her to ask for help resulted in my meltdown. We are doing good work and she can definitely handle my rage. And you're right I don't hate her. She knows this, I'm sure of it, and won't be taking any of it personally.

I think it is really interesting and might be worth exploring that you felt different from what you normally would have. To me, it sounds like progress, that you felt relief rather than guilt. I understand the frustration, though. I've been so pissed off at my T for not responding to txts.

I'm sorry you can't afford the session frequency you'd need... that sucks.

I want to say Thank you to everyone who has supported me in this thread. It means a lot. It's not easy to see thru the bad behaviour and support the person. But I think most of you know that it's not really like me to be like this.
On this forum it seems to trigger a lot of feelings for people when they see someone being mean to their therapists, so I should have expected a few annoyed people to respond.

But I want to clarify: My behaviour wasn't good, it wasn't pleasant, or nice, or even fair. I was being vile and I knew it. I still know it. My T did what was therapeutically right. But it doesn't mean I have to like it or agree with it and it doesn't mean just because she was right in professional terms to stop replying to me that I should be ok with it or not be triggered by her lack of responsiveness.

But like I've already said, if I was able to communicate effectively and efficiently under stress then I probably wouldn't need therapy. I can't be nice and lovely all the time not when going thru trauma work and learning to securely attach to someone. I am feeling terror most of the time. What would be unhealthy, is to feel all that and then present my therapist every week with a nice, clean and tidy image of the perfect client. She doesn't want that an neither do I. I am not paying out my own pocket thousands of pounds to conceal all this, I'm paying it to get better.

You know, I was just thinking that Mastodon. I think it is progress in a weird way.
For the first time, I feel entitled to feel how I feel. I don't feel "right" about my reaction but I feel entitled to how I felt. It's ok to feel what I did. I don't have to see it from anyone else's perspective. I don't have to be "good" for anyone.
Maybe it's also a sign of a secure attachment developing with my T that I can for the first time ever, be that angry and not really worry about it. Not be scared she's going to terminate me. I have confidence that if I want to go back, she'll be there, ready to help me thru it.

I've been vile. therapy is a safe place for feelings. Doing it by text or email is a way of 'protecting' the therapist /other.
Unfortunately your T didn't reply. She missed an opportunity.

I'd never thought of it as a way of protecting her. There could be something in that, Mouse. Thanks.

Sometimes referred to annihilation anxiety--very object relations-y. The child can't direct anger at the parent and either doesn't process it (ie. dissociates) or direct anger at herself because she is afraid of destroying the parent. (Symbolically, maybe this means the child's anger makes the parent go away/reject/abandon).

Great thread!

I'll need to look this up more because it sounds very like what was going on and what I did as a child. Anger was not tolerated. I have both dissociated from the anger and turned it inwards. I find it very difficult to sit with "less desirable" emotions like anger. Only this week my T was talking about trying to get me to send it outwards instead of inwards.... she kind got what she wished for in the texts didn't she? Lol

Interesting. It reminds me of a case my shrink told me about. (He had her permission since he wrote about it.) A woman seeing him in his early days spent a fair amount of time screaming at him in sessions. It was so bad that he took measures to sound proof his office, including double doors!

At least your being "vile" was a quiet text.

Exactly, my vileness can be switched off!

This. And let me tell you, when your T can't handle it and becomes your projection it's utterly crushing. As I'm sure many on this forum know, it can destroy you. I *did* become that sweet nice client showing up to therapy to make her T feel good. If not for pure luck and a couple of caring professionals who were paying attention I'd be worse off now than when I started therapy.

I'm actually afraid I'll get like this. I do have the desire to scream and throw things... I'm afraid I'll make a scene. The office I see T at is a right train station. I can just imagine the whole place stopping in its tracks to stare at crazy meltdown lady...
Funny because I'm very quiet and reserved IRL.

This thread is so interesting. Anger or other strong emotions weren't accepted in my home as a child and got you sent to a psychiatrist. I ended up turning it inward or (once in a very blue moon) exploding at inappropriate times. Still I've never gotten angry or yelled at my T or pdoc. They both have told me they've been screamed at by other clients though, so I guess it's not unusual and it makes so much sense. If you're never taught how to handle frustration and anger in a healthy way, then it would ultimately be either internalized or projected onto someone else. T's must be completely unfazed and almost welcoming of it, especially if you have always repressed anger. Saying I hate you is normal during typical emotional development, so I imagine your T didn't take it personally, much like a parent brushes it off when a kid or teenager says it. She's your safe place and knows it. It would make for a great discussion if you decide to continue with her...

I never show anger so the one time I got cross like you did by text she told me later, was good. She said I obviously found it safer than face to face. One day she hopes that I might actually get angry in a session. However, saying that I have a feeling she didn't reply either at the time. Hope you get through this and I wouldn't worry about being bratty by text. You clearly don't do it often and she does allow texts she obviously feels that this needs to be discussed in person. Do you think you might go back?

At Lauliza and Willowleaf, I don't know if I'll continue. I'm guessing I probably will but right now I don't feel like I want to. I'm sick of feeling so scared all the time and feeling like an out of control child. Every single week without fail, I am on a rollercoaster.

I'm really uncomfortable with my "shadow-side". My powerful emotions, anger, fear, and yes bratty behaviour. Sometimes I'm just not nice. Sigh....

It's ok - everyone has a dark "shadow side" side. Anger, fear, brattiness is all normal. No one likes those feelings but they are normal, you're just learning about them now but I think it will get easier.

Being nice all the time is not being human, and it's not living. As my T would say, it's not being genuine. Your shadow side has its own beauty, even if that's hard to see at times.

Just wanted to mention that this is related to the 'introject' I sometimes refer to. Just like someone projects onto/into someone else, people can introject into themselves.

An infant child is especially vulnerable to introjection; it's part of how it develops its sense of self. It's not difficult to conceptualize that we learn about who we are by how others relate to us. So, in my case, I feel that I introjected my mother's anger into me. This internalized anger actually feels 'stuck' inside me, it feels like a foreign object that actually attacks me through self-destructive behavior, etc. But it's so dissociated that I feel it's a part over which I have no control (literally); it controls me, like DID people describe. In reality I know it is a part of me, but it is not perceived that way.

I think introject might be the same thing or similar as the part self-object concept in object relations. People who have part self-object representations are often considered borderline...Intuitively, I think this is more likely to happen with pre-verbal trauma.

Anyway, I thought you might be interested in 'introject' if you are going to look into this. I also wanted to say that I think it's great that you are able to process and discharge the anger.

Aww, I can imagine. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Yes, the therapist is wise to introject your anger, turn it into 'goodness', then project the transformed anger back into you. I think that's an important component to healing.