[IndestructibleGirl]

I emailed to cancel sessions stessing I wasn't avoidant but financially strapped right now.

My therapist came back and said, hope you find a way to come.

I said I'm not lying, I can't pay.

She said come back whenever you can then. But then said 'I'm here'. I flipped out a bit at this and said, no, as I will be on benefits and am suicidal and therefore not able to apply for more jobs, take a reality check - I will never be able to afford to come back, so stop the bs you aren't 'here' really. And I called her insensitive.

She said to come tomorrow anyway, that I wasn't understanding her. But that she won't tolerate abuse. I felt a bit sick. Abuse is a touchy word for me. I don't want to turn into a monster who abuses people, if that's happening then there really is no hope.

Was what I said abusive?? I don't feel like myself at all - it's like there is a strange poisonous mist that touches every interaction I have with anyone so I don't know. I don't feel able to assess things, and usually it is her that I would check stuff out with. It does not feel like abuse to me but I am in a very bad place so not a good judge.

[IndestructibleGirl]

And I can't go tomorrow. I can't pay. I made that so clear. Why doesn't she get it.

[NowhereUSA]

It may not have been the words but the tone? I know that word is a trigger word for people and at the same time, I've been on the receiving end of someone treating me poorly over the phone. I worked in an industry where I handled people's money. Sometimes my clients would have an error (as will happen) and some of those clients would call and attack me personally.

I think calling her insensitive was a personal attack and may have triggered her defenses. She sounds like she's trying to work with you and you were in an emotional frame of mind. Could she have handled it differently? Perhaps. She is human however. She might have been offering a complimentary session to help transition or to check in with you.

[brokenwarrior]

I do not find what you said abusive. I think it would have been helpful if your T acknowledged your financial situation right now and that you are really stressed and not able to pay her. Maybe it's possible your T thinks you are hiding behind your financial issues. It seems like you are in a really bad place right now. Do you feel like maybe that could be a possibility?

[clairelisbeth]

It doesn't sound abusive, but it does sound like you are really not feeling yourself. I've been there, and as trite as this may sound, things can and likely will turn around. I was horribly, acutely suicidal for the better part of 5 years....it took a lot of work, but I don't feel that way anymore, and I believe that the same is possible for you. Please go see your T. This truly sounds like a matter of life and death; money will get worked out later. Your life is more important.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

It may not have been the words but the tone? I know that word is a trigger word for people and at the same time, I've been on the receiving end of someone treating me poorly over the phone. I worked in an industry where I handled people's money. Sometimes my clients would have an error (as will happen) and some of those clients would call and attack me personally.

I think calling her insensitive was a personal attack and may have triggered her defenses. She sounds like she's trying to work with you and you were in an emotional frame of mind. Could she have handled it differently? Perhaps. She is human however. She might have been offering a complimentary session to help transition or to check in with you.

Thanks for your input. It was via email so not sure what the tone came across as.

She was not offering a complimentary session. In fact I don't even know what she was offering. I agree that calling her insensitive was personal - but it felt insensitive for her to be saying, I'm here but for us to both know she isn't right now. But she's said I'm misunderstanding and she is here.

Originally Posted by brokenwarrior

I do not find what you said abusive. I think it would have been helpful if your T acknowledged your financial situation right now and that you are really stressed and not able to pay her. Maybe it's possible your T thinks you are hiding behind your financial issues. It seems like you are in a really bad place right now. Do you feel like maybe that could be a possibility?

Thank you. She might think that and that's probably what made me so pissed off as to flare up at her in the first place - because it's the pain of quitting therapy vs anxiety about not being about to pay the rent and electricity in January, a really difficult choice which I felt she made light of.

Until I messed up this job I was due to start on Monday, I was running on a vibe of keeping going to therapy and I'll start earning again soon. But now I don't seem to be able to earn, so it's terrifying.

I am in a dreadfully bad place. I don't feel like myself. I'm telling everyone (ok not everyone, but all my friends) how low I am and that is NOT me. I feel helpless and out of control, that I can't fake it anymore except in very short, timed bursts (like I'm not going to tell my friends whose parent is waiting to find out if they have cancer).

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by clairelisbeth

It doesn't sound abusive, but it does sound like you are really not feeling yourself. I've been there, and as trite as this may sound, things can and likely will turn around. I was horribly, acutely suicidal for the better part of 5 years....it took a lot of work, but I don't feel that way anymore, and I believe that the same is possible for you. Please go see your T. This truly sounds like a matter of life and death; money will get worked out later. Your life is more important.

Thank you. How did you change?

I don't know if going and having an aggressive hostile session is going to help at all.

[IndestructibleGirl]

I feel completely crazy over this interaction.

If somebody on PC is bored and would like to advise on what they think went wrong in the email dialogue between me and my T, can I PM you the conversation?

I have read it again and it just isn't making sense. I still don't know what is going on.

[brokenwarrior]

It may be hard to see but I think you telling people that you are not okay at all and that you feel like something else has taken over your mind and body is extremely brave of you.

Would you be willing to reply to your T? I wouldn't apologize for your last email. You were being honest about your feelings and usually a T wouldn't acknowledge an apology (which is annoying lol). I would say something along the lines of "I'm really frustrated about where I am at the moment. I don't understand why you are encouraging me to come when Im financially unable to."

I do think she made a error saying that she felt abuse by your words. That should be something to address in person. A T should be able to hold a clients frustration and not take it personally.

[brokenwarrior]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I feel completely crazy over this interaction.

If somebody on PC is bored and would like to advise on what they think went wrong in the email dialogue between me and my T, can I PM you the conversation?

I have read it again and it just isn't making sense. I still don't know what is going on.

If you want you can PM me and I can try my best to help give you insight

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by brokenwarrior

If you want you can PM me and I can try my best to help give you insight

Thank you - sending now. She has said she will not engage with me today so I can't reply to her, so it is much appreciated to have another opinion on this. Feel crazy.

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I emailed to cancel sessions stessing I wasn't avoidant but financially strapped right now.

My therapist came back and said, hope you find a way to come.

I said I'm not lying, I can't pay.

She said come back whenever you can then. But then said 'I'm here'. I flipped out a bit at this and said, no, as I will be on benefits and am suicidal and therefore not able to apply for more jobs, take a reality check - I will never be able to afford to come back, so stop the bs you aren't 'here' really. And I called her insensitive.

She said to come tomorrow anyway, that I wasn't understanding her. But that she won't tolerate abuse. I felt a bit sick. Abuse is a touchy word for me. I don't want to turn into a monster who abuses people, if that's happening then there really is no hope.

Was what I said abusive?? I don't feel like myself at all - it's like there is a strange poisonous mist that touches every interaction I have with anyone so I don't know. I don't feel able to assess things, and usually it is her that I would check stuff out with. It does not feel like abuse to me but I am in a very bad place so not a good judge.

I don't call that abusive but a bit harsh , and she was trying to help you and you kind of snaped at her .

I would just say sorry for snapping at you , just to clear the air you know .

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

so stop the bs you aren't 'here' really.

I wonder if this is what's underlying your pain? Not just in this instance, but in an overall sense of her not being part of your life in the way you would like/need?

I agree with others who have said you weren't being abusive. It does read as accusatory, though, when she was just trying to convey that she cared to the extent she can with the limited parameters you've set (can't afford, will never afford, going to die).

I'm not sure what she could have said that would have been okay with you in this very dark state you're in. If she hadn't said "I'm here," but had said she was sorry you're broke and wished you the best, or said nothing, would that have been okay?

It just seems that your relationship with her might be what's driving your despair, so anything she says at this point is going to feel insensitive to you because you will never have the kind of relationship with her that you crave.

I don't mean to be unkind with these comments, but I've been in that place where it's hard to hear or see people's true intentions.

On the job note, please try not to accept as fact that you will never hold down a good job. You can dig your way out of this. It's not over.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Nature1968

I don't call that abusive but a bit harsh , and she was trying to help you and you kind of snaped at her .

I would just say sorry for snapping at you , just to clear the air you know .

Thanks - yes I know I was snappy, in fact that was the exact word I used when I sent an apology email (which she won't have read, I sent it before I knew she was not going to communicate with me anymore today) that it had been ruder than I wanted and I was sorry for snapping.

Originally Posted by licketysplit

I wonder if this is what's underlying your pain? Not just in this instance, but in an overall sense of her not being part of your life in the way you would like/need?

I agree with others who have said you weren't being abusive. It does read as accusatory, though, when she was just trying to convey that she cared to the extent she can with the limited parameters you've set (can't afford, will never afford, going to die).

I'm not sure what she could have said that would have been okay with you in this very dark state you're in. If she hadn't said "I'm here," but had said she was sorry you're broke and wished you the best, or said nothing, would that have been okay?

It just seems that your relationship with her might be what's driving your despair, so anything she says at this point is going to feel insensitive to you because you will never have the kind of relationship with her that you crave.

I don't mean to be unkind with these comments, but I've been in that place where it's hard to hear or see people's true intentions.

On the job note, please try not to accept as fact that you will never hold down a good job. You can dig your way out of this. It's not over.

Well, yeah. Saying 'I'm here' seemed like an untruthful thing to say to me when we both know she cannot be 'here' because I can't book a session.

It made me mad because I was kind of holding it together when I sent the email, thanking her for everything and saying how much she meant to me. I was calm and coping. Then she asked several times if I was coming and I kept repeating no I can't afford it. And then saying 'I'm here' hit some kind of nerve.

I don't read your remarks as unkind at all - thank you. My mind is really warped right now so I am very thankful for the insight.

[hannabee]

From what you've written I agree, she shouldn't have said "I'm here"...it didn't mean ANYTHING from my view though, just that she didn't know WHAT to say because she KNEW she wasn't going to say " it's ok, no need to pay me". Kind of like a filler, instead of um or er or plain I don't know what to say. You kind of busted her when you called her insensitive, but I agree with you, she WAS being insensitive as she probably could and should of offered a free visit, but didn't.

IDK, maybe therapists NEVER do free sessions? My H and I were self employed for many, many years and we did plenty of free services for our customers. Especially when payment was a hardship.

I hope you feel better soon! Big hug!

[Yearning0723]

Honestly, I think you know you could have been less snappy, but I think you were definitely not "abusing" your T. It's the T's job to handle anger, transference, frustration, whatever; as the client, obviously you have some issues you are working through and obviously you are going through a really tough time right now and have no reason to be "on your best behavior" for your T. It's your T; you're supposed to be able to just be yourself and act the way you feel in that moment. I think the only time a client is ever "abusing" a T is if they threaten them, harm them physically, or do other things that might make their T feel unsafe. Being snappy is not "abusing" a T. It's an occupational hazard, and if your T doesn't know that, then she might not be particularly suited to this profession. Her issue, not yours. Hope things get a bit better for you.

[anilam]

Unless, she was offering a free session she shouldn't have said I'm here, come see me.
She really was being insensitive to you.
This is NOT abusive- a T should know better than to use this so loaded term.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by hannabee

From what you've written I agree, she shouldn't have said "I'm here"...it didn't mean ANYTHING from my view though, just that she didn't know WHAT to say because she KNEW she wasn't going to say " it's ok, no need to pay me". Kind of like a filler, instead of um or er or plain I don't know what to say. You kind of busted her when you called her insensitive, but I agree with you, she WAS being insensitive as she probably could and should of offered a free visit, but didn't.

IDK, maybe therapists NEVER do free sessions? My H and I were self employed for many, many years and we did plenty of free services for our customers. Especially when payment was a hardship.

I hope you feel better soon! Big hug!

Thank you.

In fairness to her, my therapist gave me many free sessions for a four month period before. I neither expect nor want that again, because it made things totally headmelting in the end - but I do expect honesty.

You are right that she probably said 'I'm here' as filler probably without thinking about it - from carelessness, not meaning to be insensitive. I'm so touchy right now I picked up on it rightaway and reacted.

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

Honestly, I think you know you could have been less snappy, but I think you were definitely not "abusing" your T. It's the T's job to handle anger, transference, frustration, whatever; as the client, obviously you have some issues you are working through and obviously you are going through a really tough time right now and have no reason to be "on your best behavior" for your T. It's your T; you're supposed to be able to just be yourself and act the way you feel in that moment. I think the only time a client is ever "abusing" a T is if they threaten them, harm them physically, or do other things that might make their T feel unsafe. Being snappy is not "abusing" a T. It's an occupational hazard, and if your T doesn't know that, then she might not be particularly suited to this profession. Her issue, not yours. Hope things get a bit better for you.

Thanks...this would have been my view too but the whole bloody thing made me doubt myself. I do think you can verbally abuse somebody, but to me that is something different than what I said - it would be calling someone an insulting word, etc. And yeah, therapy is pointless if you have to be on best behaviour. **** that ****. This is the woman who told me it was ok to get angry towards her a week ago Well, I was angry. Now I'm irritated and mistrustful.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Thank you.

Thanks...this would have been my view too but the whole bloody thing made me doubt myself. I do think you can verbally abuse somebody, but to me that is something different than what I said - it would be calling someone an insulting word, etc. And yeah, therapy is pointless if you have to be on best behaviour. **** that ****. This is the woman who told me it was ok to get angry towards her a week ago Well, I was angry. Now I'm irritated and mistrustful.

It is okay to get angry in therapy. That's what it's there for. And no, telling her that she's insensitive is not verbally abusive either. Things that I would classify as verbally abusive: swearing, threatening, yelling (in some cases), personal put-downs, etc. You weren't doing that. You were telling her that you felt she was being insensitive. I don't see anything abusive about that at all, and abuse is a really big word for a T to use towards a client.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by anilam

Unless, she was offering a free session she shouldn't have said I'm here, come see me.
She really was being insensitive to you.
This is NOT abusive- a T should know better than to use this so loaded term.

It felt like a kick in the guts to have 'abuse' mentioned Like, have I spent so long with all the torment in my head that I treat people badly without being aware of it now too.

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

It is okay to get angry in therapy. That's what it's there for. And no, telling her that she's insensitive is not verbally abusive either. Things that I would classify as verbally abusive: swearing, threatening, yelling (in some cases), personal put-downs, etc. You weren't doing that. You were telling her that you felt she was being insensitive. I don't see anything abusive about that at all, and abuse is a really big word for a T to use towards a client.

It is a stinging word.

I agree with your definition of verbal abuse.

[IndestructibleGirl]

And she has now emailed to say she can't make the first hour of the session time as she has an emergency. But she hopes I can make it to the second hour.

An emergency. What does that even mean.

[Freewilled]

I don't know that she should have used the word "abuse", but I do think that abuse can be very subjective and personal. It's not always black and white.

Nonetheless, if she felt abused then she felt abused. This is your T so I would hope she could deal with it and wait to talk to you about it in person, should that time come. I also think that since you're in a crisis it is even more important she try to talk over the phone or in person...but doing this over email is not ideal. Too many chances for misunderstandings.

[StressedMess]

My T would tell me to let go of my black and white, all or nothing thinking. That I can't say today that this or that thing will never happen, because that discounts my ability to change, grow, learn. My T would tell me that I'm developing my growing edge. My T likes to point out the flaws in my thinking patterns.

Your T spontaneously said "abuse" whether knowing it was insensitive or trying for shock value, or it just slipped out in the heat of the moment.

Sounds like my T practices diplomacy and your T is real. I can appreciate acting very "in and of the moment" but at the same time, why use such a triggering catch-phrase?

[brokenwarrior]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

And she has now emailed to say she can't make the first hour of the session time as she has an emergency. But she hopes I can make it to the second hour.

An emergency. What does that even mean.

I find it odd that she stated that she was not going to continue the conversation any further today, especially through email... yet she sent another email on this topic. maybe it's just me but this would bother me

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

I don't know that she should have used the word "abuse", but I do think that abuse can be very subjective and personal. It's not always black and white.

Nonetheless, if she felt abused then she felt abused. This is your T so I would hope she could deal with it and wait to talk to you about it in person, should that time come. I also think that since you're in a crisis it is even more important she try to talk over the phone or in person...but doing this over email is not ideal. Too many chances for misunderstandings.

Well, she has no phone, but she could have picked up the clinic phone if she had thought it more appropriate.

Regarding the bit I have highlighted in bold - ordinarily I would say yes. That the person needs to speak their truth in any personal relationship. However, in therapy, I don't know - I triggered something in her with my choice of words and she reacted, but is that not 'her stuff' as opposed to mine?

Unless she feels I have been slowly and insidiously emotionally abusing her over the whole course of our relationship I don't think she thinks that, though.

The best bit of my therapy, I would have said, is that we both know there's plenty of love and concern for the other person flowing in both directions.

Originally Posted by StressedMess

My T would tell me to let go of my black and white, all or nothing thinking. That I can't say today that this or that thing will never happen, because that discounts my ability to change, grow, learn. My T would tell me that I'm developing my growing edge. My T likes to point out the flaws in my thinking patterns.

Your T spontaneously said "abuse" whether knowing it was insensitive or trying for shock value, or it just slipped out in the heat of the moment.

Sounds like my T practices diplomacy and your T is real. I can appreciate acting very "in and of the moment" but at the same time, why use such a triggering catch-phrase?

I don't know

I had a csa flashback this evening, and decided to do as I would normally do and fire off an email to my T. I found myself hesitating to type the word 'abuse' because I felt unsure. Managed to get around it, though. But that's editing and not supposed to be happening *bangsheadondesk*

Originally Posted by brokenwarrior

I find it odd that she stated that she was not going to continue the conversation any further today, especially through email... yet she sent another email on this topic. maybe it's just me but this would bother me

Well, she put it in a fresh email, I guess to disconnect it from our argumentive email thread. And if an emergency came up, it came up, she can't help that. So now, of course, I am worried that something scary or bad has happened to her and that she is upset.

Why is it all so complicated.