Hurt by T's comment

My last session with T was so horrible. I have been very depressed and my emotions and have been all over the place. I have C-PTSD and abandonment and trust issues and T knows this. The session started off on a bad foot and I could tell T was frustrated with me. I couldn't give her specifics why I was feeling so down - I really didn't know. She commented that if I was going to just say I was generally depressed and didn't know why then her suggestion to me would be to take a three mile run to feel better. So maybe she was just having an off day, too, right? They're allowed to have off days just like we are and maybe we just didn't connect that day but it only got worse. She then made a comment about how if she's not helping me anymore then maybe it's time for me to see a new therapist. This came out of nowhere. It really triggered my rejection issues and hurt. I've been seeing her for four years and have just started to really trust her and open up. We continued the session and talked about a different issue, but I left and this has been bothering me since. I can't help wondering if T wants to be done with me and is tired of me. I think I should bring it up with her but I'm afraid of confrontation and of hearing her tell me she can't work with me. I don't know what to do.

Suraya, i'm sorry to hear what happened in session. It is possible that one or both of you were having an off session. I think that it makes total sense why what she said would bother you - especially with having abandonment issues. She makes a valid point about if she isn't helping you - but the way its worded in your text makes it seem like it was out of frustration vs. intent to "get rid of you". I suggest you talk to her if you can. Address the abandonment fears, and also maybe how you can't explain why you feel how you do. At one point my T had to pull out a feelings chart with me because I just can't place them. Perhaps this would be a good idea to carry with you to your own session.

A three mile run would be so much fun! Depression already saps all my energy, so after the run I'd be too exhausted to feel anything, good or bad.

Sorry for my sarcasm, but give me a break!

Yes I do think you should go back saying sometimes you can't describe your feelings, and ask for her input on ways to verbalize yourself.

If nothing else it will show T you are still working and you do value her input.

I'm very sorry to hear that you're hurt. I think you have some good reasons for that, even if your T didn't mean it that way. That first comment about the run... It feels to me as some helplessness, as if your T didn't really know what to say. And then it happens, people say stupid things from time to time.

When she said the thing about not helping you anymore, I agree that that's a painful thing. You have to let her know. From my own experience I know that holding things back out of a fear of rejection is not a good thing to do. you will keep wondering, it will stay stuck in your head and there might be an easy explanation. Because the session apparently didn't go very well and your T maybe wasn't fully present. You have to figure that out so that you can let go of it.

Good luck

In four years, is this the first time she has said something like this? Or was she echoing what you were expressing to her, that you didn't know why you were there? If, in four years, this is the first time either of you have felt like this, that's pretty remarkable, but if it's somewhat of a pattern, I'd be worried.

That's not to say that a comment like that isn't incredibly painful to hear, especially if you've just begun to trust her. Maybe try to think through if you gave off those signals first, or if it's been an ongoing theme where you don't feel you're getting anywhere. This can be a good discussion if you take it there.

I know I should bring it up with her, I just don't know how I should. Like I said, I'm really bad at confrontation and it triggers all those fears in me.

This is not an ongoing theme with us. It really came out of nowhere. I'm sure she's been feeling frustrated for a while because I've been stuck for a few months in a place if anxiety and depression so maybe she's felt like she isn't helping, but she's never verbalized. But why should she think I should be all better in just a few months anyway? Maybe I need to reevaluate a lot of things about T and our relationship. I thought things were going so well and now I feel crushed.

For what it is worth, my psychodynamic T will often suggest exercise . I used to think that he was being flippant or "giving up for the day" but I eventually learned that he meant it--excercise can be as effective as antidepressants. He in turn learned that I needed to hear that he cares that I'm hurting.

But your T does sound frustrated and it is leaking out. I hope she finds a better way to make you more comfortable to talk. Early on in therapy I had a really hard time learning to put my feelings into words--I felt awful but couldn't express it.

My T asks me every time if I'm exercising regularly but it's never been in a flippant way and never felt dismissive. Regular exercise is just part of a good self care plan, especially if someone has a persistent lower grade (not major) depression that isn't helped by therapy alone. That said, what this T said sounds like it came from frustration.

Suraya, I think you could bring it up wihout it being a confrontation or accusation. You could tell your T that you felt hurt by something she said and you wanted to go over it with her. Then you can just ask her what she meant. If she is feeling like your sessions don't get anywhere then it may be a valid point (although I don't think she expressed it in a sensitive or helpful way). If you're not getting anywhere with your therapy, there may be other options that work better for you.

I've been thinking about this incessantly since my session and I think I'm in a place where I might feel brave enough to actually bring this up with her. Of course, this all depends on if my next session goes according to how I've rehearsed it in my mind. I think I'm going to tell her that I know I was in a crappy mood and irritable, but it wasn't very helpful for her to simply tell me to go for a three mile run or that I might need a new therapist if she's not helping me. That felt very rejecting to me and she knows I don't always have the words to describe how and why I'm feeling what I'm feeling. Does that sound too attacking? Do you think it will make her upset?

Hi Suraya...

I'd feel rotten too with stuff like that. And, I'm like you... sometimes I feel depressed, or upset, or anxious and can't identify the reason. That doesn't mean I want my T to give up on me, or be frustrated. I still need help, sometimes I need help exploring *why* these feelings are happening, sometimes I just need help accepting that they are, and figuring out ways to cope.

I think you can say to her that it felt rejecting... I'm not sure how she'll take it, since I don't know your T, but it sounds very honest to me.

When I have to raise stuff like this, I usually wimp out and write it all down and hand it to my T (so I don't have to try to get through all the words!). But if you can actually SAY it, that's even better.

And, I usually write from a place of assuming he didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but also assuming that he wants to know that he did. So, the last thing like that that we went through, for example, I wrote to him that I think he may have misunderstood me in a way that caused me a lot of pain... then I explained what was said, what I meant, and why his reaction was hurtful.

I don't know if that's at all helpful... but there it is. Good luck, and I hope you do find a way to tell her!

Have you thought about asking her why she doesn't think she is helping you any longer when you are just starting to trust her... maybe tell her trust is very hard for you and by her saying that, it has frightened you?? Maybe just try and be honest with your T..... Find out why she said that? Maybe she wants to help you and honestly isn't sure what to do after 4 years to help you more??? Sounds like maybe a way of showing caring..??? I can see how you would take it badly .. I have terrible abandonment and trust issues and that would have been terrible to hear.... but maybe it's best to ask, then to let it slowly start tearing away at the trust you have built with her???

I agree that it's a good idea to talk to her. It can be tricky to do that, tho, because you'll be "putting yourself out there" and will probably feel vulnerable since you don't know how she'll respond.

I've had a lot of opportunities to have to do that with my therapist. What I finally figured out works, is to just say it as simply and plainly as possible. Don't presume you know how she felt or what her plans are. Just talk about your own. For example "I've been struggling with something since last session. When you said that maybe I needed another therapist, I really felt rejected.. like you were tired of me." Then let her answer. It will probably go well.

I am afraid I will wimp out. I'm still feeling brave about it...but less so as I get closer to my session day. I have written it in my journal and hopefully will be able to say this all to her.

I wouldn't worry about saying a bunch of stuff yet. There has been what's called a 'rupture' in the relationship that needs to be repaired. All you should have to do is tell her that something she said hurt you. She should know how to take it from there and if she's half-decent... you should walk out of there feeling aworld of relief.

So I'm thinking two things....and getting more nervous about saying anything. I should ask her why she thinks she's not helping me...but I don't know if I can do that or not, I'll have to see if I can even bring up the conversation at all or not. And CrescentMoon, are you suggesting I not really bring it up at all? I kind of like that idea - lol! The avoider part of me would like to pretend it never happened and hope she's fine and has no problem with me and we can just go on like we were before our last session.

I've read about (I can't exactly remember where) mustering up just 20 seconds of courage to say something hard. The rest of the conversation would be a breeze after the initial OMG I can't believe I just went there!!

I've used the idea a couple of times, not in T but IRL and my knees were knocking. But it did clear up a couple of misunderstandings at work and one giant one at home.

Good luck!

I love it when therapists don't have the integrity to own their unwillingness to continue to see the client. If she is tired of you, then she should refer you out so you can see someone more capable to work with your issues instead of passing the responsibility of making this decision on you. If you ever feel you don't need to see her anymore, you will make your own decision about it without her input. Just love these manipulative mind games..

mustering up the 20 seconds is going to be the hard part....I really hope I don't wimp out!

Because I always blame myself for everything, I've been thinking a lot that this might have been her way of "passing the buck" and getting out of working with me - by making this comment. What if it was and I bring up this whole conversation for nothing when she really is just tired of having me as a client? It has been four years. Isn't that a long time to have someone as a client? I would probably be tired of me too.

Suraya, if you can't muster up 20 seconds of courage to ask her what she meant or to say her comment hurt, can you go at from another angle?

Maybe muster up 20 seconds worth of courage to say you want to keep working with her because you think and feel therapy is still helping you?

Ts sometimes say the wrong thing. Or we take it wrong. If you're not ready to leave therapy and if it's still helping you, it's all right to say so. It's not really fair to make your T guess whether or not you really want to be there. Not fair to you. So ... 20 seconds to say therapy is still helping. Is that possible?

Hope it works well for you.

You might want to write down what you want to say, and bring it with you. I do this, because I have a really hard time saying things sometimes... I think I'm going to, I want to, I'm ready to... and I wimp out. I just get pulled under with the anxiety and the distraction of whatever else is going on in the conversation. So, I'd bring something written down. Then, you can always try to ask verbally if you're feeling brave, and if that fails, hand her the paper. (I find handing over a piece of paper to take less courage then getting through all the words!) Just an idea.

If she's actually tired of having you as a client, then she needs to own that. It would probably be more complex than that though, because I don't know that Ts just "get tired" of clients. It might be that she honestly feels like she's run out of things to try, she feels like she's tried everything and has no more ideas and that she thinks you might need another approach (that she can't provide). That wouldn't be the same as being tired of you... that would be caring about you actually getting help, and being willing to refer you on if needed, even if she really enjoys working with you.

But, you can't really know if you don't ask. And, if you've ready any of the other threads around her, you'll quickly see that we ALL end up misinterpreting things our Ts say from time to time. Sometimes they just screw up and say things badly, sometimes we're stressed/emotional and don't hear clearly, sometimes things just don't connect.... the only way to know is to talk to her and find out what's really going on.

Good luck! When is your next session?

PS: Is 4 years a long time to have a client? I don't know, I guess it depends on your issues. I don't think it's unusually long, I've known people who have seen the same therapist for 10+ years. Depends on what you need, and how you're doing.

I had my session with T yesterday and it didn't go as bad as I feared it would. I had myself ready to have "the talk" with her and had everything written down in my journal and vowed to say what I needed....and then everything felt fine and she was fine and the connection was right back where it had been and I didn't feel the need to bring it up. I guess I had heard her wrong - or my feelings around what she said were wrong and I took it the wrong way and blew everything out of proportion. This therapy stuff and feelings and relationship with T sure can get messy! I just feel really relieved to be back on track and to not have gone in yesterday to have her tell me we needed to talk about termination and me finding a new therapist . That;s what I was expecting!

So glad you felt better about things!