My T Left Me...Part 2

I'm sorry for the pain I just write what is for me. But I guess it will help me and others too if I share the beauty in my life.

I have always had a desire to relate with people. When I was in high school, I got the opportunity to mentor. When I was building my life as an adult, I volunteered at the hospital in the maternity ward and got to see everyday the miracle of life. In college, I tutored. My favorite class I tutored was the learning disabled math class. The look on a person's face when they realize that they can and do understand math is just priceless.

And my own strength in math came about because of one of the few times my dad paid attention to me. I was struggling with my multiplications and my school told my parents they were going to hold me back. So my dad kept me home from school one day, bought multiplication flask cards, and took me to the beach. We practiced all day. He believed in me that I could do it, and I did. And since, I've had a love of math.

When I was homeless, I got to meet so many people from so many different walks of life. I got to meet several veterans and hear stories from their lives. I met other people with mental illness and heard their stories. Some were extremely successful at one point. But all had a lesson, a story to tell.

Because I easily attach to women, I have learned the most from the women in my life. I had a payee who was a tough biker chick. She used to allow me to go around with her to her other clients just to get me out. I learned that she also was homeless at one point. She raised her 2 babies in a friend's parent's garage and often had to steal milk just to provide for them. One of her clients triggered her and when she came back to the car, she was crying. She allowed me to hold her hand and provide her with a little comfort. This tough woman showed me her heart and allowed me to be there for her. It was super special.

I have a love of home architecture. My family loved to go looking at model homes on weekends...just to dream. I would collect all the floor plans. I also used to build homes out of legos and design my dollhouses. One day, my dad bought me architecture software, and my love of designing took off. This is my dream house I designed: Dream House

I love animals. Growing up, we had an array of pets. We had dogs, cats, rats, mice, guinea pigs, chinchillas, a rabbit, birds, fish, frogs, and an iguana.

I actually modeled when I was 5! Little shy me. I had professional pictures taken, did a runway show, and did auditions for commercials. Nothing came of it, but it was definitely an experience.

My happiest memory as a child was me playing in the garage on a warm summer day. I was sitting on my older sister's skateboard with my play-doh kitchen and was making ice cream and cheeseburgers. In the background was the Beach Boy's Kokomo playing. I also loved sneaking into my dad's office when he was working. I would build my own computers out of shoe boxes and construction paper, mimic his typing sounds on a keyboard he gave me, and tried to beat the maze the computer tried to solve (he was designing an air traffic control program). I loved playing outdoors with my dog. I would always "cook" him flowers and leaves (didn't know that dogs weren't supposed to eat the ones I feed him though...)

I may have lost a lot in my life, but I have also been loved a lot. I may have been neglected, but my imagination carried me through. I may suffer from a mental illness, but my intelligence and love are still intact. I have learned that everyone struggles, that everyone feels pain. I learned that the most important thing you can do for someone is believe in them...truly believe in them.

^^ THIS!!! mental illness does not and will not define us.

Life keeps on giving... struggles. My step-dad cussed my fiance out on his voice-mail for something, but in reality it was I who did the thing he's pissed about...which btw is simply asking my mom when my step-dad will do something that he told us he would do. My mom has been acting weird the past few days. So now it looks as if there might be a rift in my family. I really don't need this right now....

I think I would have HAD to respond to her with simply 1 line.

"Being the ethical and caring professional that you are, why do you feel it is appropriate that we not terminate in an ethical and professional manner?".

F her, what a F'in coward.

So sorry, you deserve much better. She disgusts me.

As much as it pains you to do so, I think you should report her to her professional licensing or ethics board. I feel your pain Scarlet, and I'm so sorry you have been hurt and disappointed.

I was out today pushing some limits. Just got home to your email. Thanks!

To be clear, when I said I wished there wasn't so much pain I meant in your life, not in your emails.

You're creative in a lot of areas, and loving. And, I like all the kitchens in your dream house.

I've done some volunteer tutoring, too, mostly English and ESL. Also knitting and crocheting, for friends. I love trying to figure how the other person thinks and adapting to them.

Your mother does seem difficult. You're right, this is the last thing you need.

I hope things are going well.

Rags

I was good. I went to the ER tonight to get my cut checked out. No infection. And the doctor and nurses were really nice to me about it. She also made sure that I had support in place and was seeking a new T.

I still miss my T. I know I keep saying that, but it's true. I miss her so much. But I know I'm doing well considering. The crying is lessening. It's just so painful

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm glad you got the cut checked out and they treated you well!

well done for going to the ER

(((SP))) Morning hugs!
hoping today is a good day!

I want to add morning hugs for both of you, Scarlet and Puppy.

(((Scarlet)))

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

My crying has seemed to reduce just to night time. The rest of the day is just an achy feeling, a yearning. I think about my T all the time, but my logic is starting to override the emotions more and more making the days more manageable.

But I need some suggestions. My memory sucks, and I'm nervous. I'm seeing the county clinician/T tomorrow and need help trying to figure out what I need from her. I'm going to assume that the DBT T will be my new long-term T. But as someone suggested, I should utilize both Ts while I can. So I need to figure out what topics are the best to cover with each T. I am 100% unsure of an individual DBT T operates. I'll clearly list my questions:

1. Will a DBT T help me process my termination?
2. (Random question) How do DBT Ts feel about attachment?
3. What should I address with county T?
....Termination with ex-T (that's depressing to write )?
....How to connect with new T?
....????

And btw, I can't tell the Ts about each other. I hate lying. I suck at it. But neither will see me if they know about the other. I may not see the county T for the full 6 weeks, but I do want to use that resource if I need it.

And just as an example of how bad I am at lying... On the way to the hospital last night, my fiance was trying to help me develop a story on how I got the cut. He said to say I slipped in the shower, and cut myself when the glass door broke. And what happens? Doctor comes in, asks what happened. She gives me a list to choose from: accident in the kitchen, shaving, gardening... Nope, I blurt out I did it myself. I think they might have been tryi g to sort out if my fiance abused me, but who in their right mind blames themself as a lie? lol

But anyways, the point is that I really don't lie, but I want to in this case. So I have to be careful about what I say or what is talked about.

So any suggestions that you all might have will be greatly appreciated.

Hey Scarlet,

I don't know enough about dbt to comment on that, but my initial thought about the county t was: this is the one you will only see short term, right? So I think I'd use them to stabilize and deal with the current situation (i.e. the termination), plus they could maybe help you figure out what you need from the new long-term t?

I've been lurking SP, but quiet as things have been difficult for me. I can at least try to answer based on my experience with DBT.

1. Yes. It will be skills oriented, but DBT is about validating your emotions and then recognizing triggers, behaviors that interfere with long term goals, and helping you build the skills necessary to help work through all of that.

2. They're not cold. At least, the one's I've interacted with aren't. My T cares a great deal about me and has expressed that numerous times. I consulted with a colleague of his and she said the same thing, "Your T really cares about you." When talking with a couple of other DBT Ts who run my current group, I mentioned how far I drove and that I was rather attached my my T. They both laughed and said they get it, and that Ts get pretty attached to their clients too.

My T says the philosophy of DBT is "a collaborative effort between equals."

I've interacted, at this point, with five different DBT Ts with one being my primary, three being in a group setting, and one being a consult. Whether or not my personality clicked, I've found each respectful, validating, and thoughtful in dealing with me.

Hi, Scarlet,

Sending hugs and good vibes. I'm now off to work on plumbing. Not personal, the kind in the bathtub.

SP, although I can't say much about DBT since I don't know much about it, I'm just stopping by to let you know your writing is amazing & keep doing what you're doing girl, you're doing awesome!!!

The emotions you have expressed in your posts, I can REALLY feel them, and that is because I also suffered two very sudden & unexpected terminations in the past year as well & I too am trying to sort through things & start over therapywise & determine where to go next. I just try to take everything one day at a time & do as many things as I can self care wise (anything I find to be fun or enjoyable) & focus on all the positives in my life. I don't avoid or ignore the feelings if they come up about my ex Ts... but I also don't focus on them for too long either. I've learned to honor them & accept what is for me. I did not receive adequate closure with them & like you I struggle with the same types of feelings you've mentioned, this definitely takes time to heal from! I admire your courage & determination as you move forward! You are a great example of how to be in this kind of situation for myself & many others!

I think you're on a good track already right where you are, which is remarkable considering how fresh this situation still is for you, you're using a lot of positive coping skills to get you through those times & you are still doing a lot of your everyday things as well. It may not feel to you like you're making that much progress & it may even feel like you're going backwards some days, but keep fighting through it & slowly but surely you WILL get there! Best of luck to you with your soon to be T, your ex T doesn't know what she lost in you... keep shining girl, I'm rooting for you & I'll be back to check for more updates as well!

(((Scarlet))) I was thinking about you today and suddenly realized something. When I feel really bad the intensity comes and goes. It's like my body won't let my feelings go out too far for too long before it returns and gives me a break, at least for enough time to recover for the next round. It will do this on its own, whether I consciously use self-help skills or not. The skills just make the process work better and more permanently. I assume most bodies are like that.

I might have this wrong but it seems like your body/mind either doesn't have that automatic "off switch" or it isn't working well enough to protect you. That must be so hard! Then when your learned techniques that you need to use consciously don't work well enough to be pathologized...all I can give you at this point is to say to you that I think about you a lot when I'm not online, and that to me you are so strong.

Yeah. My body/mind doesn't seem to realize reality. My fiance and I were talking about that last night. Even with me having PCOS, I'm not supposed to have regular cycles. My body never got the memo There's so many things that make absolutely no sense.

But that's why my Pdoc is allowing me to take Ativan daily. And that stuff is knocking me out. I just sleep and sleep and sleep. But I'm grateful for all the sleep. That's my off switch right now. My body is slowly feeling better. I felt good enough today to sweep out the garage. And like I mentioned, the crying is really only at night.

I can call the counselor at the crisis house tonight, but I think I'm going to wait for next week. I think I'd rather see how this new T is and then update her from there.

I can't believe a week has already passed since I talked to the counselor. And it's been almost 2 weeks since I saw my T

But I'm still trying.

Hey Scarlet! I hope your night went well. Hope you're sleeping, actually. As I will be again momentarily.

4:45am. Another bad night. No one to reach out to. What would I even say? What could they say? I have said everything I can. There are no more words. And everyone has pretty much told me all that they could possibly say. So now it's just suffering. Life goes on all around me, but I'm still stuck. I don't know what the point is to see the county T. I have no clue who she is or even if there will be enough of a connection to get some emotion out of me. And what's the point of a new T? Everyone thought my T was awesome...not perfect, but a damn good T...least for me. And yet she's gone. Ts never stay. They are Ts...that's it. If I could be so blind with my T after 17 months, then I probably don't read people correctly. And why is this new T going to be any good? She doesn't even have her own license yet. I have a bad history with interns.

Maybe it's the depression, but I'm really starting to believe that I just don't fit into this world. I was born with the cord wrapped around my throat. The doctor shouldn't have saved me. I should have died all the times I tried. I never thought I would live past 13. Then 16. Then 18. After 21, I stopped trying to predict my death. And it wasn't just me who thought that! One of my friends wrote in my high school yearbook to not kill myself over the summer! My h.s. counselor gave up on me. She told me she didn't think I'd live to graduate. I had teachers in tears when I would come back to school after missing a day when I was sick. And then add in all the abandonment.... And neglect. And abuse/being taken advantage of...

I know my life isn't that bad. I have it better than many. But please tell me, what's the point of living when no one has truly loved you? When no one wants you expect for their own betterment? Sure, I have my mom...who complains about her life, her illnesses, her job, and says she doesn't want to talk about my problems because she doesn't want to upset me!?!? My fiance, who has finally stopped taking his anger out on me...for now...who verbally and emotionally abused me, broke my elbow!!! That was the only time I have broken a bone! My older sister, who only says maybe a total of 5 words to me each time I see her. My fiance's grandma who criticizes me every chance she gets: too fat, caused my fiance to have bad manners, not taking care of him well enough, not controlling him well enough. Where's my dad? Where's my little sister? Where's my friends? And now my T....

I'm just tired of trying. That's all I have done my entire life. All I've ever wanted more so than anything else was to be loved. But everyone I have loved, I have lost (except my mom and older sister came back and my fiance is still here). I mean, at 7 or 8 years old, 8 people in my life died in one year (my mom says more, but idk).

I'm tired of being trapped inside my emotional prison. I'm tired of being at war with myself. I'm tired of picking up the pieces and trying again. I don't want to do this anymore. I said that this T was my last T. She knew that! I told her that from the beginning. And here I am....suffering because of my T. I fought to live so many times in these past 17months just for her...because I promised her.

Btw, I have evil thoughts about her now, which hurt to have. I keep thinking of things to send her: dead flowers, tons of pictures of kittens (she hates cats), barbie dolls (she hates the smell of the plastic), a scream mask (she's scared of masks...especially that one), a sarcastic anonymous letter than only she will realize is sarcastic and is from me. I think about calling or emailing. I think about showing up at her office, her school she teaches at....her house (I did tell her I knew where she lived long time ago). I want her back! She said love was a choice! Why did she stop loving me? Why did she abandon me? She's supposed to be here in my life.

I miss her so freaking much. It's not fair. She threw me away and didn't look back. She dumped me on the county. And I'm so afraid to let anyone into my life. I'm so afraid to even try to improve my life since I need help to do that. Am I ever going to get better? Really? Or am I doomed to repeat this cycle for the rest of my life?

Maybe things will be better when I can sleep and then wake up...maybe things will be better after I see the county T tomorrow, or the DBT T on Thursday.
Sorry. This is just where I'm at.

Thank you. Sorry... Not sleeping. Not doing well. Too scared to do anything atm for fear of harming myself

Oh, Scarlet. I wish I could take away your pain. Please don't decide these Ts can't help you until you see them. You do have your fiance and your Mom, and your sister, you said. They count. Plus you have all of us here who care about you. I hope we count! I believe you WILL survive these dark days. One day at a time. :

Scarlet, I'm clearly not glad you're feeling so bad but I'm glad you're sharing your pain with us. From what you wrote, you are meant to survive. You are meant to be here.

Let me tell you something I haven't shared with you yet. Take it anyway you want. I'm not sure what to make of it myself. Two weeks ago, when this first happened, I strongly felt for you but felt inadequate to help. When I answered you, especially in the middle of the night, I first got quiet inside myself then just wrote. A lot of the time I didn't know what I was going to write, it kind of came out. Now I wonder if some of that was just coming through me from some kind of a...what people call a higher power? Idk.Take that as you want but what I'm trying to say is that all those times you tried to kill yourself and it didn't work? It didn't work because you are meant to be here, to touch people's lives the way you're touching mine, ours here.

It wasn't at all the same, not even remotely close, but I told my ex T she was my last T. The truth is, she was a good T for me at the time, she taught me what trusting a T is like, then she became the wrong T for me so I finally moved on and found a T with his own personality and approach, who is helping me in a different way, and in the end I will have parts of both T's in me, but they'll be expressed through my personality. The same goes for you. Our T's are very important to us. Mine is to me right now. But in the end, you and your uniqueness are as special as anyone else's is. maybe your connections will never be like the TV show images but you have connections and can work on strengthening them without discounting what you have now.

I'm so not a relationship expert and I have no idea how functional or dysfunctional your relationship with your fiancee is but right now, from what you said, he's there for you because he cares about. Take his caring right now and try to internalize some of it. Right now your work is to heal from a hurt that you never deserved.

Is your old counselor still working? It's okay to reach out to her. She cares about you, too. You can call this week and next week.

I could say more or better but I want to send this now so you see it.

Nights are really hard for you. You're not alone, really. And you are giving much valuable. I see it on here. It's called love.

Value yourself, please.

Sounds like you need to consider inpatient care. Not sounding safe. Please consider.