How do you know it's time to leave your T?

What are some of the signs that it's time to leave your therapist? I don't want to go into a lot of detail. I'm worried of everyone's opinions on how my T. has reacted. I will say that tonight she suggested spacing my sessions out to every two weeks and I did not handle it well.

I have maternal transference and haven't started working on grieving my mom who died a year ago in May. I am extremely hurt and told her so. I think she feels it may lessen the transference and get me to focus more on my mom.

Throughout our relationship I have had a hard time seeing the care/love/concern and never knew if it was due to the transference. We have similar personalities and her temperament is direct. I know I can't handle a mushy T. but I'm worried the transference is too painful. In no way has she suggested I move on but she said she always has to keep in mind what is best for me.

Leaving her will absolutely break my heart. When I'm mad, I am ready to move on. When I think about leaving, I fall to pieces. We are supposed to discuss it more Monday. I've already contact a T. friend who is willing to meet with me and assess the situation to see what I should do.

I can't trust my gut - it switches back and forth constantly. I'm worried I'm pushing her away like I did my mom. "you won't treat me right then forget you". Please be gentle.

I am not sure when it is time. Here are articles that tell you more about that:
Leaving a Therapist | Bipolar Update
Leaving a Therapist | Bipolar Update

6 Signs It?s Time to Dump Your Therapist | World of Psychology
6 Signs It?s Time to Dump Your Therapist | World of Psychology

I, too, had intense MET towards my long term therapist. I could. Not. Stand. It. Anymore. Sorry for the typing drama but it was intense.

Seeing her, and not having her, became too torturous. I had to stop.

I would come to sessions high or drunk. She wouldn't tolerate that.

We reached an impossible impasse. She wouldn't give up so I did.

I got to the point that what I had to have was never, ever, going to be provided.

So I terminated my therapy.

Are you seeing a different T. now? I know I still have issues to work through. And, I know what can't be provided and have grieved over most of it. I really don't seem to know what I want anymore. just no more transference but I've heard it can happen with any T. Maybe a different personality would make the transference tolerable.

I don't think spacing your sessions to 2 weeks will necessarily weaken the transference. It could. I usually get busy with my life during the 2 weeks but I still think about my T a lot.

Can you try talking about your Mom? I was in therapy for 3 months before my T realized my Mom died a few months before I started therapy. I never wanted to talk about her though I needed to. It was like pulling teeth. It took a few Ts before I could start grieving. If you talk about your Mom, probably weekly would be better. Every 2 weeks is hard if you're not ready for it. I hate it but have no choice. As far as when to quit therapy, I'm not the best person to answer that question!

Wow -I think the writer of this one is off base from the beginning "— one person in need, and the other person who is there to act as a wise guide, teacher, and supporter through a process of change....Most therapists are pretty good at what they do. "

I think perhaps it might be useful if you could try a few appointments with some others and see how they feel to you? It would seem off to not be focussing on your mother but the therapist and it might be that trying out other ones could show different atmospheres. I found that quite useful. I see two psychodynamic ones - but they are light night and day from each other.

Sorry to be negative but transference happened for me with 5 Ts. If it's a pattern for you it will probably continue. For me, it was stronger with some of my Ts, but I don't know why. Maybe it won't happen with a new T, but I wouldn't bet on it. I think accepting it is a better route, but I know how hard that is! I'm in the middle of this reoccurring crush on my T but we will use the transference or whatever it is to learn more about myself. More grist for the mill, T says.

Thank you, but nope, no therapy for me. I'm thinking about it though......

I meet with my friend on Wednesday. Unfortunately, she didn't have anything before my next session Monday.

I don't even know what to think. I've written my T. a letter about how this is exactly like my mom. I trusted her, let down my walls and told her feelings and now she's pushing me away. I can't email her and only text for scheduling. SO, I've taken a picture of my letter to text to her. If i'm going to be miserable this weekend, she can share in the pain.

I really don't think she realized how bad her timing was. The last part of our conversation as I was heading out the door was that her timing sucked. She looked confused. I said next week is Mother's Day and my mom died last May. She asked if I thought she did it on purpose. I said no it's obvious you didn't think at all and I left.

I don't know how to tell if it's our personalities or the transference. I've made a lot of progress and even friends have made comments. But, this relationship is so painful.

You said she suggested spacing out sessions. That sounds like it was an opening to a conversation and discussion about what you thought about the idea. What was her reasoning for spacing them out? Did you actually voice your concerns about spacing your sessions out? You seem to be taking her suggestion as a rejection. Is it possible she has a reason for making that suggestion that she thinks might be to your benefit and this isn't really about rejection at all?

I think you kind of know that already? You seem to be in that transference mode of seeing your T's actions just like that of your mother's (even though they probably aren't) and you are doing the "I'll reject you before I give you the chance to reject me" dance. I've seen that one a few times from my husband. Try to slow yourself down a bit, remember this is your T you are dealing with, not your mother, and make your decisions based on that reality instead of that default "instinct".

(((SoccerMom)))
I suspect that your T is reaching a point where she feels that unless you yourself face the transference head on and reject it - ie: accept that she is not your mother and you must stop responding to her as if she were, that she will not be able to help you.
I know that's hard as hell (been there, done that) but unless you do you will lose someone you care deeply about.
Transference is a valuable tool, but only if you're willing to separate from it. It must be experienced, then examined. If you get stuck in experience she is not going to be able to help you.
Sorry, SM, probably an unpopular opinion


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The problem I see with this is that if the client knew how to do this - they more than likely would. I think it is a therapist's responsibility to help the client through this sort of thing. They set the game up so that this reaction can likely, if not in all cases will, occur. They cannot then just blame the client for it happening, ignore it and hope it or the client goes away etc. The therapist does have responsibility to assist the client when this sort of thing occurs.
Otherwise it would be like the Bob Newhart skit where he just yells "stop it" at the client.

Many times I can see it's the transference. Sometimes I can't tell at all. That's the problem. She said the transference was keeping me from seeing her care/reassurance. She's also told me that the transference means therapy is working. I just told her that I want to be ok with it. I just want to be able to accept the feelings but it is so hard. I didn't want it and wouldn't wish it on anyone. It has been the most painful thing I have gone through. I had to take off the afternoon from work because I couldn't contain my emotions.

We've been using the transference. I'll react to her a certain way, we trace it to my childhood and talk about a more healthy way to react. So, it has been helpful and I've learned so freaking much from it. I'm at the point where it's painful that she means so much to me. I fought letting her in for months telling her I didn't want to feel close to her. Just last week she asked how is blocking the trust and care helping. I didn't even realize I was blocking it but I started crying one day thinking that maybe subconsciously I am because to fully accept it is to risk getting hurt.

My whole therapy has been about me not wanting to get hurt, her asking me to trust her and take a risk and then me doing so. So, spacing sessions right now is making it so difficult. I feel rejected and that it's the beginning of the end. And, the timing sucks due to May being an emotional month for me.

I think T will understand if you tell her what you just posted, about May being an emotional month for you. I'd also try to get a clearer understanding of why she wants to space out sessions. Does she really mean it's the "beginning of the end" or is that what you're imagining? I'm sorry you're struggling so much.

I really don't think she realized May was the anniversary of my mom's death. Although I did ask her a few weeks ago for a session the last week of May which is the week she died.

She didn't mean to end it. when I asked her about when transference will go away, and when I told her I was concerned I couldn't get through my "list" as quickly with less time, she reminded me that it took my brother a long time in therapy to get through everything. So, I don't think she sees it as the end. I'm just worried all these feelings are going to interfere and make me have a harder time trusting her. Which will result in the end. She once told me she won't abandon me. And, she's very firm in not lying to me so I don't think she would have promised if she wouldn't stick to it.

I'm just really hurt. I think I'm more hurt by her reaction than the suggestion. when she saw how much pain it provoked, she didn't switch her tune. She could have said "I see you're in pain so let's discuss this in two weeks" or "I see this may be hard. Let's wait until july" or "how about alternating Mondays and Thursdays so it's not a full 2 weeks at first". but, instead she just sat with me while I turned silent and wouldn't talk.

I believe that leaving a therapist should be like being ready to drop an old blankie...not because your mom says to, but because you just don't need it anymore. That said, every therapist seems to have his or her own philosophy about endings. I hope and pray my present T has the 'blankie" attitude. However, with my attachment disorder, I would be likely to pre-emptively walk out on T as soon as I know the reduction of sessions is being pushed....teach 'er a lesson. Can't stand for some authority person to enjoy watching me struggle and grieve about giving them up! That's my take on it if it's of any use.

Not true (and I speak from personal experience). A client may know how to do it, may talk about doing it, may even believe they're doing it, but actually doing it for reals, not so much. There's a really simple reason for it too: it HURTS LIKE HELL!!
We are programmed to avoid pain, but this involves literally walking straight into it with eyes wide open. It is a very painful, (shameful) thing to admit out loud that it is our own patterns , our own beliefs, our own doing that is causing is all this pain.
We want - I want my T to take my pain away, to make it all better, but he can't do that. He's only a man after all, he doesn't have to power to help me, only I have that. He can show me the path, but I have to walk it. If I refuse to walk it because I am too scared, too ashamed, too little, then there's nothing he can do for me.

Listen to her SM. I know about not being able to see the transference at times, but this is where the trust comes in. You *have* to trust her when she says it's transference, even if you can't see it yourself. From what you've written about her it seems she *is* the type of T that you can give your trust entirely to, and you've been with her long enough for it to be appropriate. That is ultimately why we hire Ts - to have someone we can trust entirely, like we should be able to do with out parents when we're very little. Think of that study where they had the babies crawl on the clear plexiglass - they would do it if their mom indicated that it was okay, even though it looked to them like they were going to fall.

I understand you and I will never agree on most of this.
Of course, I actually don't understand wanting a therapist to take pain away. I would not let them do it even if they could (I do know they can't) - I do not want that from them at all. A lot at all. Completely at all I don't want that from a therapist.

Yeah, you're most likely right Stopdog. Love you anyway, in a very hands off kind of way

JS - I don't dislike you either.

SM - I think it is quite possible that another therapist could possibly help where this one cannot. Sometimes we can hear something from someone else better - like if one friend and then a different acquaintance could tell me the same thing and I would only hear the acquaintance clearly - sort of idea. The two I see say about the same things at times but the second one says it in a way that I don't want to take and beat her into the sidewalk whereas the first I (until I made her stop talking altogether) said it in a way that was not conducive to me listening. (I don't usually agree with either - but that is beside the point.) So perhaps a break from this one and explore a different one could be useful. I don't think one has to make a complete break with the one you see know - I have found them to not get upset if a client says I think I need to see someone else for awhile or for this specific thing or whatever and then go back to the original

I really appreciate everyone's comments. I called my T. friend who is highly respected and she said she'd meet with me to discuss what I should do and options. I think I just need another mental health expert to either say to stick with it because I will learn from the transference or to end it because it's getting in the way.

The comparison I have is the feelings I have for her must be how others feel about their mothers when they are young. Almost like I'm in love with her but not in "that way". And, she knows this. I saw her 5 years before this off and on and had absolutely no feelings. I don't necessarily go back to feeling nothing but I wish the intensity would lessen. Maybe it's feeling insecure about the relationship. Some weeks I'm completely fine - just might miss her a little. Other weeks it's pain like this due to the subject matter or our interaction. I know the goal is to grieve my mom.

She told me I'll have to grieve my mom on my own. I told her she didn't get it. If she tells me to do that, I won't. I will push it away because I'm so mad at my mom. I'm making myself come to therapy to process it all so I can put it behind me. I NEED her to make me do it. I feel like once I move through that, I can space the sessions. After all, I don't want to go to her weekly forever. I plan to tell her this Monday.

I get confused what is the difference between transference and projections. My t has never used the word "transference" - she talks about projections - but to me, the way she is using the word, it is my understanding of what transference is. Anyone know the difference, or are they the same thing?

Transference isn't just about one person from your past.
Concentrating on your mother alone, the whole of you isn't being treated.
I think perhaps working with a T that understands transference would be a benefit.

she doesn't just concentrate on my mom. But, most of it is my mom. And, she'll ask how it relates to others in my life now.