Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

I want to talk to you about the sibling you used to see. I want to tell you how what he's doing and what he says affects me. I'm scared he wants to come see you again and I can't deal with that. I would leave. For good. I would break my own heart and walk away from you if you started seeing him. I can't even talk to you about his role in my life because I fear you'll think of him as a client again and how you can help him. Jealousy it may be, and however much it doesn't make sense I wish you had never met him in a clinical setting. Or at all. I can't leave him out of our relationship and it hurts. It hurts that I feel like I can't talk about him to you anymore because I'm jealous. I hate this feeling.

You're not a bother around here. In fact, I rather look forward to your posts.

I failed at bringing up the transference topic with you last week, I was soooooo close but just couldn't do it. Tomorrow I will try again, this is not easy at all.

Dear MC,
I know you're trying to focus on H and I instead of just me. I get it. We're in marriage counseling, not individual LT counseling. But it still stung a little when you switched the topic from me being worried about the care plan. We ended up with a productive session discussing what I perceive as my "role" in the marriage, the "anxious, needy one," as you said, with my H more as the "supporter." I think we're supposed to discuss more on his role next week. So yeah, it was productive and good, and that's what I said in my e-mail to you. But I really hope this isn't you putting up more boundaries. I know I'm doing a bit better than a couple weeks ago, but I still need support. You help me in ways that T doesn't and can't, for whatever reason. I can't bring this up to you because it will just look like I'm seeking reassurance. But please don't be pulling away, OK? We can mostly focus on the marriage (and maybe the parenting thing) for a bit. But I just want to know you're still there if I need you. Yeah, you're my marriage counselor, but I think you realize that you're a bit more than that to me...

ok so t: thursday what will it be? shall we go 'elephant hunting'? or should i share the exciting things that are afoot? I want to do both. But hunting those elephants could take awhile...

Dear Pdoc

You just got off work. You're probably on your way home or you're already at home. And I wonder if you'll eat dinner alone or with someone. I hate that I think so much about you and that I wonder what you're doing. It's exhausting me mentally.
It's another month until I see you again. I'm looking forward to seeing you again. Two months of looking forward to our appointment that only last 10-15 minutes. I'm so stupid. Can these feelings for you just finally go away. It has also been fun, but it's really enough now.

Dear T,

I wish you'd respond to my latest email. I could really use some support right now.

dear T,

have a good trip and please be safe

me

T,
God, can you figure out what you feel already? Stop telling me you love me and care about me, and then flipping around and being cold, and then going back again. And you're still shaming me. And not seeing me. Stop letting me take care of you. I don't want to be in therapy anymore. Thanks, it was my last hope.
Your pal,
P

When I lose my temper, I become an absolute monster. When the blood clears from my eyes I become horrified at what I said or did and crash back into depression again. And I'm afraid to talk to you about it because I'm afraid you'll think as little of me as I currently think of myself.

Dear MC,
Please reply to my e-mail from today at some point. Even if it's just like two lines. It doesn't have to be tonight, just sometime in the next day or two would be nice. I don't expect an apology, just that you at least sort of understand why I was bothered by your cutting short what I was talking about so that we could focus more on H and I. I wasn't trying to make you feel bad--just trying to share how it felt to me.

And please, please don't say how you can't keep talking about my stuff or you can't keep reassuring me--I know that, I'm just still in kind of a fragile place right now. If you must say that kind of thing, just wait till I'm in a better place, OK?

T

I miss you.
I can't do this anymore.
Life.

EM

If I'm not feeling better by tomorrow, I guess I should reschedule so I don't get you sick on Thursday. Or, maybe we can do a phone session again. That might could work. My throat hurts. Bleah, I'm going to bed.

You don't get to pick and choose which client is entitled to confidentiality and which one is NOT!!

You have NO RIGHT to tell everyone about MY LIFE!! Had I known this would happen, I never would have told you anything!! You have no sense of loyalty.

Dear T

I'll see you this afternoon. There were only 5 days between sessions this time, because I wanted to go back to seeing you on ''my'' day.
I've no idea what to talk to you about. It was an easy week? I haven't done much and I haven't felt much. It's all just the same old thing. I'm unmotivated, I don't want to do anything, I believe everything is hopeless. And then the thing I'm afraid to tell you
I kind of want to quit therapy. To just give up. I know that won't help me at all. Without therapy it can only get worse. But I'm tired.
And I hate my self so much. I hate my body. It's so so ugly and fat. And I hate my face. I ****ing hate life!

T 1
Thank you for helping me with the book of law. I just have to do these things.

Sent from my QTAQZ3 using Tapatalk

Dear T, i realise now that my feelings for you are more to do with how great you are rather than my own personal taste in women. Almost all men would like to date you if given the chance because you are highly attractive in many ways. Unfortunately my full realization of your quality also allows me to see that you are even more unattainable than I might have otherwise thought.

Ok I don't need to tell you this but I just want to say it somewhere:

When we hug, I can actually feel your ribcage fit in the palm of my hand. This is amazing to me. I never realize until we hug who small your fame is! I want to wrap you up and hold all of you in my arms but ... I'm very conscious to be gentle and polite.

You feel like you might break if I squeeze to hard. The fact that you allow hugs, that split second moment of wordless vulnerability is such a gift. I really wonder what my body must feel like to you? Do I feel like a hulk? Is it awkward? Would you hold on longer if you could?

dear T,

i texted you that pic of the spider and you said it's agnes!!! and i didnt know what you were talking about. so i said who is agnes and you said the spider!

duh T i knew u were talking about the spider... did you just name her agnes or what are you talking about?

remember the black widow on the farm? we checked on her a lot but one day she disappeared. i like that memory of us checking on the spider under the water drain lid.

me

Dear T,
I think I'm your last appointment of the day today. Could we just meet for like 3 hours? Maybe go grab some dinner during or something? Because the stuff I have to talk about just seems to keep increasing... (Plus with this stupid hurricane possibly headed our way, who knows if I'll get to see you or MC next week. Guessing I also won't get to go to the concert this weekend that I've been looking forward to for 2 months, but that's kind of off topic, just whining...)

Dear T

I'm sorry I was quite today. I didn't say much. I'm often not a talker, but today I was just more quite than usual. It's just, I really didn't know a lot to say. I think it's because I'm not really feeling anything. I told you about this feeling and that I've been feeling like this for the past week. I think it's better to feel something, even if it's a bad feeling. This feeling won't get me anywhere. It might keep me alive, but that's it. It's a I don't care feeling, like whatever. And I think that's why I didn't had much to say. I don't like that. I feel bad about it, because then you have to talk more. We've talked about that last week, that because I don't say much, the other person might feel that she needs to talk more. And there were some silences today. That's not always bad, but I don't like it that I sometimes, well often, have to think some time before I say something. Which also has to do with that I'm still a bit afraid to say something stupid.
I feel guilty about not talking enough, I feel like I'm a burden to people (even to T's and pdoc's) and that me not talking enough is annoying for others and people won't like me.

Dear T,
I still wish friendship with you. I know that is not possible. I know one day I will have my last session. And then I will never see you again. I am trying to make the most of my therapy. I want it to count.
BTW, would it be so wrong for you to say you are proud of me like you used to say?

Dear T,

You were right. I am hyper. lets see how you react to me this Friday

Dear MC,
Thanks for your e-mail saying you didn't mean to make me feel that way. Made me feel much better. I was tempted to knock on your half-open door to say hi when leaving T's office today, but figured I'd leave you alone since I'd been bugging you enough lately. I really hope your cough gets better soon. I miss shaking your hand (I assume you'll resume that when the cough goes away, right?). And hope the possible hurricane doesn't keep us from our usual Monday appointment.

T,

just got a sign that i thought meant you are going to die. but..i am trying to tell myself its not real. looking at that paper you wrote on about it helps.

me