No more responding to emails: told therapist I hate her

Thank you much for this. I'm constantly hard on myself for not moving past this.... and I shared this in the hopes that the original poster would surely know someone knows exactly how it feels to have boundaries shifted abruptly with no discussion. Seriously, it was traumatizing to me all over again! Therapy shouldn't cause further trauma...it should help recover from the trauma that was already there. Yes, she told me she loved me, in person, by text, by Email, but after changing her boundaries, said her saying that is reserved for her family and friends and wouldn't be "genuine." Ouch. I could go on and on... but what's even worse is when you're so attached to the person who hurt you that you can't leave them. The OP, I think, mentioned this too. So I was thankful to find out my insurance will pay for two T's, and it took me 9 months...but I'm going to, one way or another, try to move past this. Hopefully the new T will help (mine is psychodynamic-like, the new T is CBT, and via phone conversation, I have told new T about my therapy situation).

Bay, I envy your relationship with your T. We have similar pasts, but very UNsimilar T's. Actually...my T was similar...then changed.

So sorry to hear that.
Mine tell me to journal my feelings go so it's a safe place to say what I really tHinksey of people and situations. Then I calm down and I can talk about it.,you journal is at an online website and friend only and anonymous.
I also vent here.
Hugs.
You know your T will read your sentiments and brush them aside as you being given hurt and angry. So don't suddenly feel bad that she'll have a horrible time

I'm so sorry. Unfortunately where our Is differ is that when my T screwed up regarding boundaries she said " wow. I really screwed up and really hurt you and I'm very very sorry". She didn't change the boundary back but she made it clear that nothing similar would happen again. If we came upon a similar situation we would address it slowly and make transitions in stages.
Your t just won't admit she made a mistake and I still wish I could smack her in the face and make her see how she is blaming YOU for HER mistake. I would be in the sane situation as you if my T hadn't been willing to say "I really screwed up and I'm sorry and this won't happen again"( for background my T was texting me every night for about six months . this was the first time in my life that some one who wasn't sleeping with me cared enough to say things like "good night and sweet dreams". She abruptly decided that she needed to put her phone down in the evening as she has a big family and felt over stretched. Turns out she didn't realize how important it was to me so she just laid the law down cold turkey. It caused a gigantic rupture that we were able to work through only because my T tool full responsibility for the whole thing)

Yikes. I would have been incredibly hurt by the halt to texts after getting one every night for 6 months! Wow! I can understand where she is coming from, but at the same time....perhaps she could have talked to you about it first, then, if you felt it would be helpful, maybe gradually cut back, not all at once. It really surprises me how some Ts just don't realize how these little things can mean the world to someone!

I have posted about this fairly recently (I think in someone else's thread, not my own), and my T has recently apologized actually. She said she learned a hard lesson and she's very sorry it hurt me as badly as it did. But, it took her like 8 months to say that. She had been saying "I'm sorry you feel that way," but she didn't actually own up to what she did until recently. She promised me that it would never happen again, with anyone. I had hoped I could move on after that, I mean, finally, it was recognized that it wasn't just MY problem. She had a role in it too. It is hard to remember how she used to be. I push those aside, because it's too hurtful to remember. I need to accept her for who she is now, or move on.

BTW, I thought of you this week, Bay. I had to put two of my horses to sleep, just over two weeks apart...with the last one being just on Monday. I had therapy that day....blubbering idiot I was. But she did something she's NEVER done before. The client after me canceled, she said, and she let me stay an extra hour. Not for a session, but just to hang out there and catch my breath while she did paperwork. I fell asleep on the couch. And felt much better when she woke me up. So even though she didn't DO or SAY anything....that was a big deal to me. And perfect timing for her to have had a cancellation. It sucks I'm still so attached. But maybe with the T I'm meeting next week, she can help me with that....

^^
This. Me too.

My T pulled the whole email/no email thing. It was painful but wasn't what ended therapy ultimately. I wish I'd never had any email replies. I'm sorry this happened to you.

I'm so sorry about the horses..... That's difficult.

It ended up sounding worse to me than it was In reality. I took it as "no more Texts" but what it meant was " no more texts at night"...if I text her during working hours or text at night and ask for a reply in the morning I usually get a response. But I didn't know that because she didn't clarify it.

Unfortunately I just didn't text her at all for over a month so it took a long time just to clarify that.

For a long time she didn't even understand why I was so upset. She was like " I show you love all kinds of ways texts shouldn't be so important" it took s while to get her to understand that it wasn't the texting boundaey but the way she enforced it---cold turkey, no discussion, no concern for my safety or feelings--that upset me...

BayBrony, thank you for this post. My brain gets a bit rattled when I see post like this. Am always Curious as to what ethical violations extended physical contact and a therapist telling a client he/she loves them violates. Ethics are guidelines, not laws. Many therapist at least in the USA quake in their boots, because we are such a litigious society, and they got a few CE's in a scare the living daylights out of you seminar to stay 3-6 feet away from their clients. Granted this therapy is not for every client or therapist. And touch of therapy, and say I love you says nothing abound about strong or loose a therapist boundaries are, or how ethical they are.

What I read is a lot of therapist who don't know what they're doing, or get in over their heads, look for away out, and then pin the negative consequences on their client, because they can't deal with disappointing their client. That is just wrong. I'm glad your therapist took responsibility for the crazy making. I hope that the OP's therapist will also, and then get OP to a place of trust once again. I'm sorry musinglizzy's therapist is one that just doesn't get it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that her consult works out.

OP, please forgive my rant.

What I find frustrating with this situation is that there was no interaction with you as though you are a capable adult in a voluntary relationship. Therapists absolutely need to set boundaries, but when a boundary needs to shift (from either party's perspective), and there's a desire to maintain the relationship, there should be an opening of negotiations. If a compromise can't be reached, then one or the other has to decide to either live with it or part ways.

The way your T is handing this is very black and white.

My T, for example, allows me to email him. He has a work email. He maintains regular office hours. I am free to email as much as I want but he rarely responds. Most of the responses come at my prompting. I'll write something and say, "I'd like you to respond to this please." Occasionally, very occasionally, he's reached out on his own after one of my e-mails to touch base with me. In each situation they aren't lengthy responses nor do they always come the same day (unless it's an administrative issue that needs to be handled in a more timely fashion).

It feels very healthy. I feel like I can get my thoughts out, he doesn't feel like he has to do therapy by e-mail. On both sides, there isn't a rigid boundary but a more fluid, natural one.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I think she should have treated you with more respect and modeled what it looks like in a healthy relationship to renegotiate boundaries.

I hope the OP chimes in and keeps us posted. I just don't understand how Ts can't see how this kind of behavior can be so damaging. My original post on this...if you do a search, is titled "touch in therapy...it's gone." Searching for boundaries gets a lot of threads popping up too, so many of us have been hurt. I know for me, and probably for the OP, and also for Bay, just taking the time to talk to us about it beforehand could really save a lot of pain. For me, I kept wondering what I did. What I said. She said she didn't want to create dependency. I said I wasn't dependent on it, and she said exactly....that's why I didn't need it. For months, I just couldn't understand how SHE couldn't understand how hurt I was. I felt like I was empty inside. I still feel that way. I pushed people away in my "real" life, because I was afraid of their rejection first. Anyway.... for the OP, I really hope you can heal from this and not go through what I have the last 9 months. I pretty much shut down. For months. I'd cancel sessions sometimes, where I never had before. But otherwise, I continued to go twice a week, every week, and make no progress. I would try to talk to her about it, and she'd get defensive. Anyway, I will continue to see my T twice a week, while I meet this new T and see what happens. Maybe the new T can help me work through this and continue on with my old T. Or maybe, she'll show me that it's time for a change. We will see. It's scary. But really, I think it may be easier the second time around. I have not told my T I'm seeing someone new. I don't know how she'd take it. I figure I will see this T initially, see if we click, and if so, then I'll tell T1. I wouldn't want to tell her if I meet T2 and decide not to go back for a second session.

Myrto, I understand your feelings because I went through something similar with my T. She started out by answering every email, even answering between my lines so she wouldn't miss anything. I think this went on for about a year. Then I started getting upset because she wrote shorter replies, and I became disappointed. When I discussed it with her, she decided emailing wasn't good for me. She said I could email but she wouldn't answer. That was terrible for me, so she decided she would answer once during the week. I think she went back to no responses at all soon after that.

I think it was like that for about 2 years! Then my H got sick and I asked again if she would answer because I needed her more during the diagnosis and hospital visits. She came through and answered me most of the time. Now it's evolved to my emailing her a few times a week and she answers usually only once. I've learned to accept the way it is.

I was devastated when my T stopped replying to emails even though I had told her that her replies were getting me too frustrated. At the same time she took away holding my hand. I don't think she understood how awful that was for me. I had to cope with the loss of two important ways T and I connected. I think that made me MORE dependent on her, not less. I'm sorry, Myrto, that your T disagrees. Now that I know I can receive email responses, I rarely need them.

I hope you can work this out with your T!!

FWIW I hate her and hope she has a crap holiday too.

That was a Really crappy way for your T to deal with the new boundary issue.

I hope she has a crap holiday too!

But I also hope you can work this out and renegotiate a more gentle transition.



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Rainbow's post made me think of the term "honeymoon period." My T was very gentle and understanding with me, and so very patient, the first 4 months I was with her. She saw how hard I was struggling....so 5 months in, she started sitting by me and putting her arm around me when I was having a rough time. That's when she started throwing out the word "love," and she'd give me long, rocking, healing hugs...she was very different than she is now. That all lasted another 5 months. That's when everything stopped abruptly, and she changed. Demeanor, everything. Made me think she consulted with someone, who told her to stop doing what she was doing.

When I questioned her about her abrupt changes, she said she could see I was struggling, and she stepped outside of her comfort zone to do these things which she thought might help earn my trust. Ended up, she was right. I did learn to trust her, feel a deep connection with her, and when she felt the trust was there, she stopped the act. Well, the trust stopped too. Been spending too much time scanning the horizon to see what she may change next, on a whim. She says nothing, but so much already has. When she said she did it to earn my trust, I mentioned feeling tricked, scammed, "bait and switch." None of it was genuine, because she had a motive. You just don't DO that to people! Especially those who have been dealing with complex PTSD for half of their lifespan, and in their first "real" go at therapy. I chose a psychologist over an LCSW or something like that, and I chose a psychologist with over 20 years in the field, because I knew I might need someone with plenty of experience behind them. I knew it wouldn't be fair to either me or my future T to see a newbie, because I knew talking and trusting would not come easy for me, and I wanted to try to ensure I had someone who could take it.

I am just a firm believer in having your boundaries and sticking to them. Don't step outside the box if you don't intend to let it run its course. This one act by my T has set me back a great deal, far worse than I was before I started therapy. And now I'm going to try a second therapist to see if she can help me fix it. Some of us just can't take those drastic changes, the rejection, and it just triggers a lot of bad stuff that already happened. And magnifies it. So oftentimes, it ends up being even more than it just appears on the outside.

I too have had boundary changes. It's prob been 4mths. My T didn't tell me he was going to either. I noticed less contact, less support so I brought it up. At first he told me nothing has changed. Then I kept noticing it and finally he admitted to it. Saying it was detrimental. Forming dependency. He busted his ***** for me to show he cared.
It's been so hard from going to weekend/evening contact to none. He has 2x in the past mth acknowledged me in the evening. But told me it I'll never go back to the way it was.

His new ways are creating such a severe depression and angish. There's no in between for him. I asked. It's hard to basically go cold turkey after 5 yrs. he apologized. Said he was sorry it didn't work out for me wish I had gotten something from it. Well it sure beats the heck out of this. I must have gotten something from it because this is awful. I've gotten worse. He says I need to grieve. Sigh holidays are hard enough!!
Its been really bad his change lately.
Hope you find a way to deal with your changes!! Hoping for some peace with your therapy!

Every T should be required to take an oath of office wherein they pledge to do exactly what you describe above.

Right. Seems that some Ts, including my ex T, resort to imposing an infantilizing and scolding parent-child dynamic in the event of a rupture or problem.

One psychologist attributes this to the T herself having been "catapulted into an area of personal primary vulnerability" and they may "lack adequate psychic energy to emphasize with the patient". This empathic failure may lead to a "secondary level of wounding that further injures the patient and places the therapeutic relationship in jeopardy".