[granite1]

i woke up this morning with my head spinning about the fact that i will be seeing T again after a 3 week break. things in T have been real hard and i have not felt very connected or understood by my T at all . i know it is coming from me and my inability to communicate with her effectively. i am so confused and scared about all of it . i have just been feeling so miserable about everything. i really have tried to talk to her about all the stuff going on in my head but she just isnt getting it . again last session we were talking about how i no longer want to be a mother to my son . i have no idea how anymore . she just isnt getting it at all . instead i see her as just being demanding and judgmental . telling me how i shouldn't be doing some things and how i should be doing something else . how i should be behaving towards my son and what is right and what isnt . she told me she thinks im pretending i dont want to be a mom anymore, that she out right does not believe me . when i told her my plans for christmas she said it was a horrible idea and i should do something else . because it involved having my son and my farther spending some time together . she aslo said that my husband should go to my sons girlfriends house with me for christmas when he didnt want to and could spend time with my son and my farther at the same time . anyway in the end she lead me to believe she felt i was going to subject my son to abuse and that i was selfish in doing so . i have never hidden the fact that i am a selfish horrible person from her .in fact i have told her this every chance i get and she seemed completely taken back and surprised when i behaved in such a way . i am so confused by it all . on one hand i have asked her over and over again to help me not be this kind of person but when she points this behavior out to me i was completely hurt and felt like she hated me . was judging my decisions. what she is asking me to do is so hard and i dont know if she understands that at all . i know it is all on me that she doesnt . i have not talked to her much about what is going on in my head over the years i have been seeing her . now when i do she doesnt believe me . there is so much i have experienced that i have not talked to her about . i dont even think she has any interest in hearing about all that horrible things, and i have no idea how to even talk to her about any of it . i also now have serious doubts that she would even believe me. i have been seeing her for 5 years now and have never really let her know much about what has been in my head or what i have lived through on any kind of emotional level. i so wish i could share with her not only what happened to me but also what it was like . maybe then she would believe that i am feeling how i am now . i dont think i will ever be able to do this

[Argonautomobile]

I'm sorry things are so tough right now, and sorry that you don't think your T is getting it. I think it may be possible that she's getting frustrated by all this negative self-talk. It's hard to hear people say that they're horrible when you know it isn't true. You're not horrible.

Maybe it would be helpful to tell your T exactly what you need from her--support, empathy, not advice and judgement. Hope it gets better.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Have you considered trying another T? I'm not saying you should, just that you might want to give yourself the option.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Breadfish

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Have you considered trying another T? I'm not saying you should, just that you might want to give yourself the option.

i have and have burnt a lot of bridges making apt with other T around here and then cancelling because im a wimp . i even ask my T if she could give me some referrals . she wouldnt .said i was asking her to throw me away and she was not going to do that . i guess in some way i was . i just want to be able to talk about my history in a manner that will help me heal and i cant seem to do that . i just frustrate and annoy any T i see

I'm sorry you're feeling so lousy. I remember your other posts about this T. Might there come a time when you decide that your therapy with this T is not helping you? I think a lot of clients make appointments with a new T and then cancel. You may not have actually burnt your bridges. I tried out a couple of Ts when I was still seeing my ex-T, but I found I couldn't make the switch to a new one until I'd finally quit the first one, only then could I contemplate seeing another, and make a decision about it.

[ChavInAHat]

It sounds like you really need to have this conversation with your T.

I know they are supposed to practice safeguarding even for our own children- but if you are certain that your son would be safe- then it isnt her place.

I have only been seeing my T for 5 months, we have had a 3 week break too and now I have to tell her tomorrow that her telling me what I should do isn't helpful and that she needs to understand why I was doing it (going to my brothers house for Xmas) and how hard it would be and supporting that with telling me that she will be there to help me deal with this better and work through the negative things as my T.

Good luck with your T and I hope you manage to go some way towards sorting it

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[velcro003]

I wish you could print this out to your T and hand it to her to read, and see how she responds.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I think the best thing would be to tell your T everything you have said here and possibly look into seeing another T. It doesn't sound like this T is helpful. A therapist should not be telling you what to do or saying she thinks you are making something up.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by velcro003

I wish you could print this out to your T and hand it to her to read, and see how she responds.

thanks velcroo i know my T isnt a bad T at all . she is only going on the information i share with her . this is all she can do . and over the 5 years i have been seeing her this has been very little. i would love to be able to say all this to her but the idea terrifies me . but her saying she knows me is a hard pill to swallow . especially when i do want her to know me better then she does to know what i have had happen to me and why i do and say the things i do and feel the way i do .

[granite1]

i know i to often share the negative things i feel about my T . but i am a big believer that T are only human . they can only work with what they are given to work with . i give my T nothing but resistance and negativity to work with . i am always respectful of her and i am never mean and or rude . i dont think i have unrealistic expectations of her at all. most of the problem is coming from me . if i was able to talk to her straight and tell her what is going she would have a better idea what is going on . but instead she has a bunch of half information and me to scared to say much . i know at some point im going to have to deal with all this crap in my head . all the memories , anger , flashbacks, and trauma . maybe if i talked to her more she would be more willing to believe how i am feeling

[ruh roh]

Did she say the word pretending? Or is that how it came across to you? Because what I think might be happening is that she's saying in an inartful way that she doesn't believe you really want to cut your son out of your life, or any of the things you've shared on pc in recent weeks, but that she thinks your pain is driving you to see these drastic measures as the only option. If that's what she's trying to communicate, she's probably using triggering words or language with you that make you feel disbelieved or discounted.

When a person gets triggered, they stop hearing what's being said in the moment and get thrown back into the past--which, from what you've shared, is judgmental and abusive towards anything you say or do.

The difficulty is in having the pain of the past acknowledged—because it's causing you to push your son away—and not having it mixed up with the present, which I'm guessing you want to have a better outcome? If you don't want the present to have a better outcome, then that's where your therapist also needs to hear you. I really don't think she's dismissing you or your reality, but you're right in saying that it would help if you could share more of your internal life with her.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

Did she say the word pretending? Or is that how it came across to you? Because what I think might be happening is that she's saying in an inartful way that she doesn't believe you really want to cut your son out of your life, or any of the things you've shared on pc in recent weeks, but that she thinks your pain is driving you to see these drastic measures as the only option. If that's what she's trying to communicate, she's probably using triggering words or language with you that make you feel disbelieved or discounted.

When a person gets triggered, they stop hearing what's being said in the moment and get thrown back into the past--which, from what you've shared, is judgmental and abusive towards anything you say or do.

The difficulty is in having the pain of the past acknowledged—because it's causing you to push your son away—and not having it mixed up with the present, which I'm guessing you want to have a better outcome? If you don't want the present to have a better outcome, then that's where your therapist also needs to hear you. I really don't think she's dismissing you or your reality, but you're right in saying that it would help if you could share more of your internal life with her.

I agree with everything ruh roh is saying, especially the bolded part, because I think that happens to you a lot Granite, which is sad to always walk around feeling so triggered and angry and traumatized and frightened! It sounds like Hell, and i hope you can work with her.

Hasn't she allowed you to write things to her in the past? What about showing more art journals? Something else other than talking, because right now that is a major stumbling block in your therapy. Has she ever discussed EMDR? I wonder if that would be helpful for you.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

Did she say the word pretending? Or is that how it came across to you? Because what I think might be happening is that she's saying in an inartful way that she doesn't believe you really want to cut your son out of your life, or any of the things you've shared on pc in recent weeks, but that she thinks your pain is driving you to see these drastic measures as the only option. If that's what she's trying to communicate, she's probably using triggering words or language with you that make you feel disbelieved or discounted.

When a person gets triggered, they stop hearing what's being said in the moment and get thrown back into the past--which, from what you've shared, is judgmental and abusive towards anything you say or do.

The difficulty is in having the pain of the past acknowledged—because it's causing you to push your son away—and not having it mixed up with the present, which I'm guessing you want to have a better outcome? If you don't want the present to have a better outcome, then that's where your therapist also needs to hear you. I really don't think she's dismissing you or your reality, but you're right in saying that it would help if you could share more of your internal life with her.

hi ruh roh yes she did use the word pretend . she said that i am pretending to not want to be a mom to my son and that he is the world to me and that she just doesnt believe me. yes my son does mean the world to me .and that is what she is basing her perception and comments on . what i have not shared with her in depth is how i am so stressed to the point of being sick and panicked over just about everything he does and shares with me. it is beyond tolerable for me and it is almost continuous . and also how ashamed i am that he has me as a mother and my F ed up family .i did talk a little about that and she argued with me about it . but this is how i feel. anyway this is what i mean about not being able to tell her what is going on and her responding to what i say to her . i absolutely believe when i get upset i close down and only hear things in a negative light .

[granite1]

Originally Posted by velcro003

I agree with everything ruh roh is saying, especially the bolded part, because I think that happens to you a lot Granite, which is sad to always walk around feeling so triggered and angry and traumatized and frightened! It sounds like Hell, and i hope you can work with her.

Hasn't she allowed you to write things to her in the past? What about showing more art journals? Something else other than talking, because right now that is a major stumbling block in your therapy. Has she ever discussed EMDR? I wonder if that would be helpful for you.

yes she has and im wanting to do this but i have no idea what to say so she can understand what my struggle is . im not even saying it right here very well. she has never suggested emdr . dont think i could handle the talking part of it .
i am trying to get some of my thoughts together to try and share with her and i so hope she believes me

Originally Posted by granite1

hi ruh roh yes she did use the word pretend . she said that i am pretending to not want to be a mom to my son and that he is the world to me and that she just doesnt believe me. yes my son does mean the world to me .and that is what she is basing her perception and comments on . what i have not shared with her in depth is how i am so stressed to the point of being sick and panicked over just about everything he does and shares with me. it is beyond tolerable for me and it is almost continuous . and also how ashamed i am that he has me as a mother and my F ed up family .i did talk a little about that and she argued with me about it . but this is how i feel. anyway this is what i mean about not being able to tell her what is going on and her responding to what i say to her . i absolutely believe when i get upset i close down and only hear things in a negative light .

Granite, what is the panic and stress about with your son. I'm don't mean specific incidents; I'm more wondering what you are afraid of in general for/about your son. What is your thinking about your son? Your parenting? What is the panic?

I think you saying you don't want to be his mother is perhaps a way of avoiding whatever is going on with you internally, and I get the feeling it may have actually more to do with your own mother/parents/history than it really has to do with your son in the present. I obviously could be wrong, but in my experience, when I had that kind of visceral panic and overwhelming emotion about something in the present, it almost always had to do with my past and I was really, really persistent in avoiding really looking at the real thinking behind my panic because to look at it meant I had to inspect my history and where that thinking started. (My apologies if I am way off base or if you aren't in a place to look at that yet.) I'm guessing that is what your T is trying to get at but it's not translating well and perhaps you aren't ready to really look at that.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by granite1

yes she has and im wanting to do this but i have no idea what to say so she can understand what my struggle is . im not even saying it right here very well. she has never suggested emdr . dont think i could handle the talking part of it .
i am trying to get some of my thoughts together to try and share with her and i so hope she believes me

Well, the good thing about EMDR is you DON'T have to talk! That is why it is good for trauma, because sometimes talking about the trauma is just too difficult. I'd ask her about it, even if she isn't certified, i am sure she knows some about it. YOu can just say that she really knows very little about what goes on in your head because of your fear, and maybe doing something that wasn't centered on talking would help. OR you can look up EMDR-T's in your city, and just go for a consultation and see what they think. It might not hurt to try.

[Out There]

Originally Posted by velcro003

Well, the good thing about EMDR is you DON'T have to talk! That is why it is good for trauma, because sometimes talking about the trauma is just too difficult. I'd ask her about it, even if she isn't certified, i am sure she knows some about it. YOu can just say that she really knows very little about what goes on in your head because of your fear, and maybe doing something that wasn't centered on talking would help. OR you can look up EMDR-T's in your city, and just go for a consultation and see what they think. It might not hurt to try.

I have had EMDR and it is not so much centered around talking. If you could maybe print out what you have said here and hand it to your T , as you are coming across well with your feelings. EMDR can be used as an adjunct to talk therapy ( its what I did ) and yes it's not really talking about things. Wish you well.