Few questions about crying in therapy?

AnxiousGirl · Jan 25, 2016, 04:38 PM

I know this is an odd question, but I am sort of concerned as to why I haven't been able to cry in a year of seeing T. We've talked about so many sad things and I just shrug it off.. My T says the tears will come in time and that I should feel safe... but in how long?

We have moved on to a lot more sensitive topics and I have a session in a few days so I'm just curious about what will happen.

So I guess my questions are:

Have you ever cried in therapy? (Either tears or full out crying)
How does your T react when you cry?
How long did it take you to let go and cry? (Not exact but just a guess of time).
Do you think it's normal for a client not to cry even when talking about painful things?

Thanks !

ChavInAHat · Jan 25, 2016, 04:44 PM

I think crying is a very personal thing.
The only thing that makes me actually cry is my daughter.
I can talk about really sad things that makes T cry (well she says she is crying but only a few tears or tearing up), but I don't.

We've talked about crying, she told me why she has, but understands that I don't understand how I feel enough to do this right now.

That is aside from the fact that I feel vulnerable if I were to cry and I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet

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stopdog · Jan 25, 2016, 04:45 PM

I have not cried and I have been seeing them for 5 years. I think it is normal for me not to cry.
The first one used to go on about how I should cry. The second one has said crying is useful for some clients and others do not cry and they are fine too.

Ellahmae · Jan 25, 2016, 04:52 PM

Have you ever cried in therapy? Yes. Sometimes just tears drizzle down my face. Sometimes it's a full on screaming cry. Sometimes it's a sobbing, ugly cry.

How does your T react when you cry? She sits with me. She hands me tissues. She walks me through the pain. She helps me to feel less alone and she supports me in it.

How long did it take you to let go and cry? (Not exact but just a guess of time). About 8 months in.

Do you think it's normal for a client not to cry even when talking about painful things? I think this is different for each person. Everyone handles their pain and emotions differently. I don't think so much 'pressure' should be put on being able or not being able to cry. I'm learning recently how to just be, and accept how I am without over thinking it or wanting more or less of it.

atisketatasket · Jan 25, 2016, 04:57 PM

Hardly an odd question; there have been threads on this before. I think it's just something many people feel they should do in therapy, and get worried when they can't.

I do tears, on occasion. I do not do full-out crying, mainly because I hate crying. I have never seen its supposed restorative and relieving effects. It just makes things worse.

AnxiousGirl · Jan 25, 2016, 05:04 PM

Thanks for the input so far. I guess I was just worried that I might not actually be feeling the "right" emotions or something. I'm going to try and let myself be more open in therapy but I guess forcing it won't really help.

Jan 25, 2016, 05:06 PM

1)Have you ever cried in therapy? (Either tears or full out crying) - YES
2)How does your T react when you cry? - LET ME FINISH AND SHOWS SYMPATHY.
3)How long did it take you to let go and cry? (Not exact but just a guess of time). - CANNOT REMEMBER.
4)Do you think it's normal for a client not to cry even when talking about painful things? - I THINK THAT PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT. IF YOU CANNOT, I SUPPOSE THAT YOU HAVE YOUR INNER PSYCHOLOGICAL REASONS. I AGREE WITH YOUR THERAPIST; TEARS WILL COME WHEN YOU ARE READY.

AnxiousGirl · Jan 25, 2016, 05:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Singer47

1)Have you ever cried in therapy? (Either tears or full out crying) - YES
2)How does your T react when you cry? - LET ME FINISH AND SHOWS SYMPATHY.
3)How long did it take you to let go and cry? (Not exact but just a guess of time). - CANNOT REMEMBER.
4)Do you think it's normal for a client not to cry even when talking about painful things? - I THINK THAT PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT. IF YOU CANNOT, I SUPPOSE THAT YOU HAVE YOUR INNER PSYCHOLOGICAL REASONS. I AGREE WITH YOUR THERAPIST; TEARS WILL COME WHEN YOU ARE READY.

Yeah! Everyone is different so I guess their reactions to topics are different too

junkDNA · Jan 25, 2016, 05:28 PM

yes,. silent tears and also sobby flashbacky messy crying. how he reacts depends on why i am crying and the intensity of it

DelusionsDaily · Jan 25, 2016, 05:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnxiousGirl

Thanks for the input so far. I guess I was just worried that I might not actually be feeling the "right" emotions or something. I'm going to try and let myself be more open in therapy but I guess forcing it won't really help.

Ok I'm not a T but I've heard it said over and over again that there's no right or wrong emotion. Just keep doing what you do in therapy and if you are "supposed" to cry it will happen. Good luck!

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Argonautomobile · Jan 25, 2016, 05:32 PM

Hi AG,

It seems like you've been dealing with this issue for a while. Maybe it's none of my business, but I'm curious why this is concerning you? Do you want to cry, but can't? If so, why would you want to? Are you just wondering if it's normal not to cry?

To answer your questions:

Have you ever cried in therapy? (Either tears or full out crying)
Yes. Very first visit was the full-on Ugly Cry. There've been a few weepy sessions since then--just some tears and sniffling, not really crying.
How does your T react when you cry?
T offered tissue for the Ugly Cry. Now he just sort of sits there. It's not unpleasant.
How long did it take you to let go and cry?
First visit it wasn't a choice; I just couldn't help it. About 6 months (with a 2 month break in there somewhere) to open up about things I knew would make me sniffle.
Do you think it's normal for a client not to cry even when talking about painful things?
Sure. I don't always cry when talking about difficult subjects; sometimes I get snively about the fact that I can't find my socks. The range of "normal" is pretty damn wide.

AnxiousGirl · Jan 25, 2016, 05:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

Hi AG,

It seems like you've been dealing with this issue for a while. Maybe it's none of my business, but I'm curious why this is concerning you? Do you want to cry, but can't? If so, why would you want to? Are you just wondering if it's normal not to cry?

To answer your questions:

Have you ever cried in therapy? (Either tears or full out crying)
Yes. Very first visit was the full-on Ugly Cry. There've been a few weepy sessions since then--just some tears and sniffling, not really crying.
How does your T react when you cry?
T offered tissue for the Ugly Cry. Now he just sort of sits there. It's not unpleasant.
How long did it take you to let go and cry?
First visit it wasn't a choice; I just couldn't help it. About 6 months (with a 2 month break in there somewhere) to open up about things I knew would make me sniffle.
Do you think it's normal for a client not to cry even when talking about painful things?
Sure. I don't always cry when talking about difficult subjects; sometimes I get snively about the fact that I can't find my socks. The range of "normal" is pretty damn wide.

Yeah I've been thinking about this for a long time. When I first started therapy I didn't really worry about it because I thought that as the time went on, I'll feel more comfortable and I'll start crying. Once a year hit though I was really confused as to why I haven't even shed a tear yet. I did tell my therapist that I've felt like crying because she asked and also admitted that I'm afraid to. Sometimes though I really do want to cry so that T sees just how painful something is for me. I came really close a month or so ago but just teary eyed, I dont think my T noticed.

Focus62 · Jan 25, 2016, 05:50 PM

Bottom line: extremely normal to not cry while talking about painful things.

I saw my last T for 2.5 years and I cried once (hardly) because a friend of mine had died. Talking about all the past abuse and CSA in my life, recounting memories of horrible things...not a tear. It wasn't fresh. I had shut myself off from that part of my life for so long I was used to not feeling anything but fear, anger, or indifference when talking about it. It wasn't that I didn't feel safe enough to cry, it wasn't that I didn't trust her, it was just that I didn't feel it within me. Perhaps this is what is happening for you.

AnxiousGirl · Jan 25, 2016, 06:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Focus62

Bottom line: extremely normal to not cry while talking about painful things.

I saw my last T for 2.5 years and I cried once (hardly) because a friend of mine had died. Talking about all the past abuse and CSA in my life, recounting memories of horrible things...not a tear. It wasn't fresh. I had shut myself off from that part of my life for so long I was used to not feeling anything but fear, anger, or indifference when talking about it. It wasn't that I didn't feel safe enough to cry, it wasn't that I didn't trust her, it was just that I didn't feel it within me. Perhaps this is what is happening for you.

This is so true. It's not that I don't trust T or I don't feel safe, it's just as if the tears are hidden and just don't come when talking about the painful stuff. I had a session a day after a family member passed away and didn't even shed a tear. But at home I was bawling my eyes out.

Argonautomobile · Jan 25, 2016, 07:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnxiousGirl

Yeah I've been thinking about this for a long time. When I first started therapy I didn't really worry about it because I thought that as the time went on, I'll feel more comfortable and I'll start crying. Once a year hit though I was really confused as to why I haven't even shed a tear yet. I did tell my therapist that I've felt like crying because she asked and also admitted that I'm afraid to. Sometimes though I really do want to cry so that T sees just how painful something is for me. I came really close a month or so ago but just teary eyed, I don't think my T noticed.

Well, if you trust your T and feel safe with her, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Crying (to me, anyway) is a pretty out-of-control thing; it's sort of involuntary. Maybe the reason tears don't come in therapy has to do with being at ease and in control there? I'm pretty sure that's why I don't cry more in therapy, anyway.

Have you talked to T about wanting to cry so she can see that something is painful to you? Do you think that she won't believe something hurts unless you cry?

AnxiousGirl · Jan 25, 2016, 08:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

Well, if you trust your T and feel safe with her, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Crying (to me, anyway) is a pretty out-of-control thing; it's sort of involuntary. Maybe the reason tears don't come in therapy has to do with being at ease and in control there? I'm pretty sure that's why I don't cry more in therapy, anyway.

Have you talked to T about wanting to cry so she can see that something is painful to you? Do you think that she won't believe something hurts unless you cry?

My T told me herself that people react differently. Some people, like me, can talk about painful things and talk in a more upset and angry tone and then others cry. I'm sure I'm not the only client of hers who doesn't cry but sometimes I worry it's not normal. My T never said that if I don't cry it means I don't care, she knows I'm afraid to cry (I told her finally last session) and now is more aware which is good. I guess I'm overthinking it too much.

Argonautomobile · Jan 25, 2016, 08:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnxiousGirl

My T told me herself that people react differently. Some people, like me, can talk about painful things and talk in a more upset and angry tone and then others cry. I'm sure I'm not the only client of hers who doesn't cry but sometimes I worry it's not normal. My T never said that if I don't cry it means I don't care, she knows I'm afraid to cry (I told her finally last session) and now is more aware which is good. I guess I'm overthinking it too much.

Perhaps a bit, yeah

It's normal. Don't worry. Take care!

rainbow8 · Jan 25, 2016, 08:47 PM

I'm one of those people who has never cried in therapy with 5 different Ts totaling about 20 years! I've wanted to cry but I think it's because I'm inhibited due to my family background. No one cried where anyone could see them. I can cry easily as soon as I leave the session and get into my car, just not with my T, and I've been seeing her for almost 6 years.

Recently, there have been tears in my eyes but they don't come down. I love when my T asks me "what would the tears be saying if you could cry?" I think that I am close to crying because I don't feel any barriers between my T and myself. I feel comfortable with her, so maybe it will happen. If it doesn't, that's okay too.

AnxiousGirl · Jan 25, 2016, 09:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm one of those people who has never cried in therapy with 5 different Ts totaling about 20 years! I've wanted to cry but I think it's because I'm inhibited due to my family background. No one cried where anyone could see them. I can cry easily as soon as I leave the session and get into my car, just not with my T, and I've been seeing her for almost 6 years.

Recently, there have been tears in my eyes but they don't come down. I love when my T asks me "what would the tears be saying if you could cry?" I think that I am close to crying because I don't feel any barriers between my T and myself. I feel comfortable with her, so maybe it will happen. If it doesn't, that's okay too.

Totally get it. I just started getting emotional just lately, maybe 2 weeks ago. My T wants me to be more "open" and is going to help me each session to open up more and I told her I'm afraid to cry and she reassured me over and over again that it's perfectly natural and she's there for me. The trust is there but the tears arent!

Soccer mom · Jan 25, 2016, 10:13 PM

I was with exT consistently for a little over a year. I never cried in front of her until my last 3 sessions when she was terminating me. I talked about very sad things but couldn't. I could cry in her waiting room and right as I was walking away but not WITH her. I also had anxiety before my sessions. I now think that I was too wound up to let go. I wanted to cry so badly with her because I thought she would finally see how much pain I was in.

I cried with new T. the very first session and probably have half of my sessions. I don't have anxiety before seeing her and I find it much easier to let the feelings come up. She can just talk about nothing and, if the feelings are there, they come up and out. So, I have concluded that I never really felt safe with exT. I wanted her to be and wanted to believe she was safe, but I think my body was telling me otherwise. In the end, it was safe because we were ending the relationship and I guess I had nothing to lose.

growlycat · Jan 25, 2016, 10:26 PM

Have you ever cried in therapy? (Either tears or full out crying)
YES Both "ugly crying" but usually highly but badly controlled tears
How does your T react when you cry?
He looks really sympathetic and says "it's ok" really softly. Last session I held out my hand in a silent plea to take it and thankfully he didn't reject me. He did seem surprised though
How long did it take you to let go and cry? (Not exact but just a guess of time).
Probably 8-10 sessions in
Do you think it's normal for a client not to cry even when talking about painful things?
There isn't a standard reaction. Everyone copes differently. In order to talk about difficult material many have to emotionally detach in order to do it

justdesserts · Jan 25, 2016, 10:27 PM

Have you ever cried in therapy? (Either tears or full out crying) Yes, both, almost every session.
How does your T react when you cry? He is very attentive and often sympathetic. Sometimes he will come and sit by me.
How long did it take you to let go and cry? Not long. I'm very open with my emotions. My therapist thinks that crying is cathartic and that the more I'm able to release emotions, the more I will heal.
Do you think it's normal for a client not to cry even when talking about painful things? Absolutely, although I totally understand that people have different levels of comfort expressing emotion.

Cinnamon_Stick · Jan 25, 2016, 10:28 PM

Have you ever cried in therapy? (Either tears or full out crying)
Yes I have. My last session was my first cry. It started out as a few tears and then it was a much more harder cry. Not a sob but close to it. I had held it in for so long that it was a flood of tears.

How does your T react when you cry?
My T said "Its ok to cry" "Its safe here" "You are safe with me" "Tears are good". She did a good job comforting me. She sits next to me and holds my hands.

How long did it take you to let go and cry? (Not exact but just a guess of time).
Years. I spent so many sessions holding it in and changing the subject even when the subject needed to be talked about and I should have talked about why I was having that reaction.

Do you think it's normal for a client not to cry even when talking about painful things?
Yes, I think its normal. Some people are not criers or are scared to cry. Its hard being that vulnerable.

AnxiousGirl · Jan 25, 2016, 10:34 PM

I love all the input ! Thank you so much

For me, crying was a weakness. I'm not sure if I was brought up that way to be honest. I think as I grew older I came to a conclusion that being strong means showing no fears or emotions, so when I do feel them I try my hardest to think of other things or distract myself. When I feel extremely low I cry a lot, alone. With T, it's a whole different story. Sometimes my T will say things like "Wow you're really brave! But doesn't it bother you a little" and I would say something like "It does bother me but I can handle it" when in reality I can't. So I'm trying to force myself to change that ideology I have. Hopefully it opens new doors for me.

Again thank you all for your great responses. Makes me feel a bit better about the whole not crying thing.

Cinnamon_Stick · Jan 25, 2016, 10:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnxiousGirl

I love all the input ! Thank you so much

For me, crying was a weakness. I'm not sure if I was brought up that way to be honest. I think as I grew older I came to a conclusion that being strong means showing no fears or emotions, so when I do feel them I try my hardest to think of other things or distract myself. When I feel extremely low I cry a lot, alone. With T, it's a whole different story. Sometimes my T will say things like "Wow you're really brave! But doesn't it bother you a little" and I would say something like "It does bother me but I can handle it" when in reality I can't. So I'm trying to force myself to change that ideology I have. Hopefully it opens new doors for me.

Again thank you all for your great responses. Makes me feel a bit better about the whole not crying thing.

Crying has always felt like a weakness for me as well. Growing up I was not allowed to cry and was told I was weak and it was not safe to cry. My therapist has showed me that it is safe to cry with her, that its a sign I have been strong for to long and was so accepting of me. Now she has seen everything about me. I feel like it has changed our relationship and now we are closer and our connection is deeper.

I hope you can feel safe enough to cry but if you don't want to or it doesn't happen then its ok. Its whatever you feel comfortable with.

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