Psychotherapy inherently flawed?

I've wondered all this time if therapy is inherently flawed for people with childhood trauma... i.e. people whose core issue is feeling unloved. Therapy has helped me realize that is my core issue, I feel unloved, unwanted, unworthy, and I'm sure it goes back to feelings I had as a child. Therapy has helped me realize this, but it doesn't solve anything, in fact it's like salt in a wound because you're primed to fall in love with a therapist who often won't even give you a hug let alone ever say I love you back. It is yet one more one-way relationship of you loving a person who doesn't really care all that much about you, with the only difference being your therapist is hopefully a lot less abusive.

I can completely agree and understand where you are coming from. I waited until very late in life to even trust a T to even begin this journey. I did no going in that the dynamic is the equivalent of hiring and emotional prostitute... Forgive my analogy, but it is the closest too realistic I have found.

I am like you, in that I know and feel and believe the complete worthlessness of myself also. The dynamics within the therapeutic environment are both extremely helpful and extremely painful. I know there is someone who truly tries to be helpful and care, yet it takes money to finally get that compassion. I don't doubt there is truly A level of care, for therapists would generally not go into this field. But I am also wise enough to know that the caring honestly has nothing to do with me, for Who I am, just their professional choice. It is the hardest when there are no others in our world due to what we have done to ourselves based on our past and then when we open these wounds to attempt to make life better, all we really have around us when we hurt is the proof of our aloneness because the only person we have let him is one of a business deal that cannot truly be there beyond very specific parameters. And if that is not all hard enough, if you are anything like me, every time T has to make changes or cancellations because of understandable life circumstances, everything in me knows that it is truly just that he can only deal with me for so long before needing a break and will use or take any opportunity to not have to deal with me. Even if I try to rationalize and tell myself maybe it's not true, everything in me knows it is.

The bigger question I can't figure out is beyond the therapy but in why it seems the people who have been hurt the most and are the most caring people are the ones who seemed to be left alone to handle life and those that are hurtful to others and really can be so self absorbed seem to have caring people all around them. I don't understand this!!! I would never hurt anybody even when it has meant harm to myself, I would do for anybody, yet I am alone to face these demons everyday. I will say I have learned a lot about priorities thinking about what others want compared to what I want. Right now more than anything in the world I just want somebody next to me to tell me at night that I could go to sleep and they won't let anybody kill me before the Sun rises. I do wish somebody could explain what is so wrong with me and those like me that God decided we had to not only go through the lives we did but we are destined to remain alone and have all of our belief confirmed on a regular basis.

Life, I do not understand. .. sorry if my response is too over the top, but last night was a minimal sleep night to avoid the nightmares and yet stay awake to feel like I could stay alive, but honestly I'm here. I don't know if this was all what you were thinking or if I am on a WildTangent, but I think I understand your premise and I'm sorry you have to live this life also!

I don't think it the panacea that therapists nor some other clients think it is. I think those guys may need to be a bit more forthcoming about its limitations and its real ability to assist people and in what specific fashion it may be able to provide some assistance. I think it more flawed in its failure to be transparent.

Thanks, yeah I understand everything you said too. I have asked my therapist several times what's wrong with me that I have no close friends, that I feel this alone. He says there's nothing wrong with me. Maybe it's just bad luck? All I know is I have a huge chip on my shoulder now, so maybe that keeps people away. I am so pissed, I feel like demanding that he love me or quitting therapy, but I am old enough to realize that's silly.

In a lot of ways, I think for people like me, it is actually re-traumatizing. It seems morally questionable to take a vulnerable and desperate person and get them "hooked" on feeling cared about by putting on an act. I didn't know this is what it was when I started! All I knew is I had a very rough childhood and was very depressed, and therapy is supposed to be what people do to fix that. Stupidly I took his seeming to care on face value, it didn't occur to me that was part of the treatment plan for him to feign interest in me.

Have you thought of CBT? It takes those core negative beliefs and directly challenges them with learned new behaviour and strategies.

I don't disagree it can be retraumatizing -but I don't know whether it is built into the entire field or just some schools or just some therapists.
I found CBT to be the worst, most damaging experience with it.

Is it inherently flawed? Yes.

But I think you're actually asking if therapy just doesn't help some kinds of pain, and I agree that it is better with certain issues. I think therapy is better at helping clients navigate the world - get over a fear of driving, etc. I am not sure how good it is at healing a deep pain like you mention, though I think it can help you learn to function in a way that minimizes the pain - learning self-worth, etc.

No its not. I was abandoned and neglected and therapy had helped me understand that it wasn't I that was unloveable, it was people in my life that were incapable is love.
The caring from T has changed that inner message.
Therapist doesn't have to be all hugs and kisses and sworn declarations of mature love. It just has to contain a skilled T and a client whose willing and able to think.

The first one I see goes on about it not being thinking but feeling that a client need do.
The second, more skilled, doesn't put it like that but also downplays thinking. I am all for thinking, but the therapists I have known have not been or at least not openly.
I think it has, as reported here, an ability to assist some people with some things. I don't think it helps everyone with everything or even everyone with some specific thing. I also don't think the fact it is not what helps some people, to be the fault of those people or because they were not trying hard enough or doing it correctly or somehow the fault lies with those who simply didn't find it useful or were more damaged by it. There is a risk in everything. I think if it is not helping but retraumatizing, then I feel I can change how I use therapy or I can seek usefulness elsewhere (meditation, yoga, communal drumming etc - And I am not being flip - I think there are more ways to find an ability to be better inside one's self than just therapy)

Yes, psychotherapy is inherently flawed, as are all human-human interactions. The psychotherapist is a professional trying (we hope) to offer help and support. Understanding the roots of a problem is not always sufficient for making changes, but it can be a starting point. Has the T offered any treatment methods or referrals for them? I'm thinking EMDR, SE, or one of the other trauma treatments.

I think a huge clue here is you said in your original post that you feel unworthy, unwanted, unloved. My guess is because of those feelings, you subconsciously aren't allowing people into your life. It's hard to form deep, meaningful relationships with anyone when you have deep rooted, self-loathing feelings for yourself. I have experienced this myself first hand. For decades.

And explain why the mean and nasty people seem to have the nicest and most patient people as a mate. I hate seeing those situations and watching those kind people get taken advantage of. Why can't those nice people find us nice people. .. I don't understand

Personally, I spent several months in an outpatient day program 6 hours a day that was all CBT focused and it caused more more trouble then help because when you get to the level that I think Petra is talking about (if I am understanding her past as resemble it) , it is not as easy as rescripting the 'tapes' we have learned. It is a complete internal feeling and belief and it dies not matter how many times I disputed my 'irrational/incorrect' belief. . At a gut and truth level, I still KNEW the truth about myself. Today, I have a t who has agreed that the CBT won't work when the belief system is so strong from early trauma and until that is resolved, CBT is really only helpful in coping skill during this process. It did get me a few years of 'getting by and syrviving', but the truth was always there and the PTSD finally took over.

Might be different for others, but CBT was not my magic pill.

I can remember my longterm t back in the 70s and 80s telling me, no thats what youre thinking tell me what youre feeeeeeling. I needed a new century for it to start to make sense to me. But i also remember thinking, i think this means my family doesnt like me much - and thatcant possibly be true - can it?

My brother and other people told me, oh you cant accept that your parents werent perfect. That sounds like im mad that they were at 90 percent. But really they were at like ten percent. Thats a whole different thing to "accept". To acknowledge how it affected you.

Then thats what my last t here fixed. We ackowledged that i was affected, and he fixed it. Now i assume everyone is glad to see me! Or at least i dont walk into a room with all this baggage going oh i know you dont want to talk to me ... Somewhere in between there

Presumably there is something in the relationship for the nice person. Like another side to the mean person that isn't obvious to the rest of us.

I agree with you about CBT. I find it totally ineffectual and I end up feeling guilty that I can't "think myself better" I could have 1000 other reasons or evidence to dispute my negative unhelpful beliefs but still FEEL the negative core beliefe . I actually find it quite traumatic as it seems to be the gold standard of therapy and I have guilt about "failing" it.

Yes he's offered referrals, and when he did it hurt me, lol! Is he trying to pass me off on someone? No, I don't think a technique will help. I've read a lot about this, and everything I read says love helps. But not just any love can do either, I have to love him back, or I need to find someone like him in real life. Not that I need to be some codependent clinging thing, I just need to know what it feels like to feel securely attached, to feel that way. How can I get rid of insecurity without expericing security? How can you feel secure when there's all this mystery around what's real and what's your therapist just blowing smoke at you to make you feel better. That's my gut feeling at least.

True, I do keep people away, most are jerks!

I am with you all the way. I ended up with unrequited obsessive love for my last main T. It solved nothing. On the contrary all the wounds were deepened and new wounds created. If I was uncertain about my worthlessness or hopelessness previously, this experience nailed it shut. It was a trap, and a cruel practical joke. She provoked all the deepest longings, seduced and encouraged me, but the outcome was always going to be a frustration of those longings. Then she bolted when it became overwhelming, thereby confirming I am beyond help. It was abuse, really. But because it was performed with a kinda and caring face, it seems otherwise.

For me the question is not whether it is merely flawed, but whether it fundamentally lacks legitimacy, given that it seems to injure with some regularity those who can least afford to be injured.

I think this is crucial. The client has no way to know the authenticity of what is coming at them. If you have huge deficits from childhood, then indeed you can be hooked and not be able to discern to what extent it is an act nor whether things are heading for disaster. I have often compared my last therapy to the experience of getting hooked on some powerful drug. It felt great at the time, but it was palliative not curative. And then the abrupt termination caused a massive withdrawal nightmare. What a dangerous game.

When you're inherently insecure, for whatever the reason, can you feel secure, no matter what? If you've been traumatized (talking PTSD), you may feel constantly threatened in any interaction and that can lead to constant insecurity. Think about those last two sentences you wrote, really think about them.

I'm somewhere in the middle of this discussion . I'm really very grateful to have had my therapists support through some difficult times . I'm also somewhat saddened by the recognition that it is a business relationship with very strict parameters . And it will never truly be anything other than formal . He being the ' professional ' while I am the 'client ' . I think I have idealized or even romanticized this relationship . I felt for quite awhile like I had a trustworthy friend who would always be there for me . Since his suggestion that I think about ending therapy I felt that my trust was misplaced .

This is a really good post. The field of therapy as a whole does not promote love the manipulation of clients to fall in love with their Ts. Some misguided/inept unstable/dumb therapists do it inadvertently under the guise of warmth and caring. I also think some people who are very insecure in their identities and relationships become confused by the concept of "unconditional acceptance". It's a concept that doesn't exist in real world relationships (aside from parent/child) and may feel a lot like love to some people. Unfortunately, it's not love and isn't really intended to be. Not to say a T can't really care for a client but it's not with the same intensity some people experience.

A relationship with a therapist isn't that different from other relationships since you never know what another person's real feelings or intentions are. Therapy exists to help clients become less dependent on the love/approval of others and to find fulfillment within themselves. It doesn't seem to work out that way a lot of the time, but that tends to be the intention.

I soo agree and have read where so many people to begin to feel a romantic 'love' for their t's. I can see how that can easily happen when there is someone being supportive, caring and spends time focusing and listening to you. In what I see in my issue, it is my life experiences that have seemed to prove my belief of my worth. I have reached out to others with negative consequences at each time. So having a 'safe' person now (T) that is saying and trying to show that I can have a different life and that I am worth doing the work for it(even though I can barely stand to hear him say it and don't believe it, there is a part of me that wants to and even occasionally wonders if there is any chance he could be right)..... does make it VERY hard for me to not find myself wanting to trust him and have him pull me out of this pit I have spent life in. I fight the 'dependence' and at the same time there are moments that the only hope I can hang onto is a thought of something he has done to help. I don't feel 'in love' with him and don't see that as my issue, but I also still wonder what is going to happen if I stop this numbed life and begin to feel the losses and wants of someone supportive and caring and the only one that has ever shown that will have to begin pulling away at that time to encourage me to become more self-sufficient.

This is how I see the flaw in the system. Without this dependence that is happening with t, I wouldn't be AT ALL starting to have emotions I have blocked all my life, but when Pandora's box is opened.... then what??? At this time, I am chosing to continue down the path and hope for the best, but the fear of the therapeutic issues that can arise do keep me wondering what is in store.... I guess my point is, even with the romantic love issues that many face, the natural dependency that develops in this process, when that has always been withheld from early trauma and life, can be terrifying in such an artificial environment.