[granite1]

i did something wrong .i know i did .something so bad it made my T rethink how she saw me and dealt with me . i dont know what it was but im sure it is something i allowed her to see in me . i really thought i was doing ok with keeping things guarded but i guess i didnt . why did i talk to her . why did i even let her even see a small part of me that is horrible . she said i could trust her . i believed her . i really thought she could handle the retched horribleness that is inside of me . my thoughts screamed at me to keep everything hidden . i knew better . now she sees how horrible i am and how drained she is getting dealing with me . no one can deal with that amount of horribleness .i knew this .i am so humiliated with how i behaved and the things i have said to her . i so sorry . even last week i was a miserable cry baby and behaved like a spoiled brat when she gave me the news i no longer made the grade to see her privately . i hear in my head her telling me about how she is taking only the long term and dedicated people who are willing to work in therapy . i knew it was crap but it felt good to believe she felt this about me even for a little while .but the pain im in now just isnt worth that small belief that she wanted to work with me . i would never fall for "i care about you" crap why did i fall for the i want to work with you and help. or that i can even be helped . i really did try to be a good client .not demand to much from her . i very rarely ever called her or sent her messages or anything . it was all ok i thought . then some crap went down with my father and i was not so good in session and then i forgot to show up for the next session . then called and asked for an extra session . now everything has changed . i feel so bad about it . i knew better and i dont blame her for backing off. i was letting her see more and more of who i am . how disgustingly needy and spoiled i am ans how selfish i can be . i did warn her but now i know she sees it big time and is responding appropriately .like anyone would . i am now just hoping she will help me get on some meds to keep me happy and then she can be done with me and i with her and hope i will at least not be a problem for anyone .

Granite, she is still seeing you where she always has, right? Or am I missing something.

[atisketatasket]

Do you feel this way because she isn't going to see you in private practice after all? Didn't she give a reason - that you have trouble with big changes, iirc? Why not tell her that not going with her to private practice is worse for you than the change?

[granite1]

yes i am still seeing her at the clinic .but things have changed now she will only see me for 35 min and she has to take notes . i wish i could keep seeing her for the 45 min but that is only for the clients she sees privately now .she told me how the company that owns the clinic is changing things and in her private practice she could practice how she wanted . but she felt i should see her in the clinic ans she had all kinds of reasons . ethics etc but she also told me that some are comming to her private practice . i asked her right out if she wanted me to still see her privately and she said not unless there is a reason to and she doesnt see one . why the change . to tell me how much better it would be to see her privately bur then say she doesnt want to .i thought she was off her rocker to invite me to see her but after everything she had said made me think she really wanted to work with me to help me .but it changed . she feels it is okfor me to stay ware i am and not get the same treatment from her . i know i am crap and not easy to work with . it just hurts so bad when im confronted with this .even if it is in therpy or in real life .i really do try and be ok to people but i can only pretend for so long .people are not stupid and neither was my T

What specifically are her reasons for deciding you needed to stay at the clinic? (Her stated reasons; not the ones rolling in your head). I ask because it is hard to know what to say without that information except I can hear you are hurting and taking this as a rejection.

[granite1]

ethics and no reason not to see me at the clinic . and i dont like change .and she doesnt want to take my insurance even though she is able to .she told me that . but wont tell me how much she changes . in the same session said if i wanted to see her privately we could work something out with that . confusing because then it was she doesnt wnt to see me in her private practice . and if it is ethics what about the others that see her on mondays that she let see her privately . it was ike she saw what a bad idea it would be to see me privately and did a 180 coming up with every reason why she no longer wants to see me privately . she even admitted to being so confusing by saying all this and apologized for putting me in this situation. i just want to learn how to behave in a normal manner so this doesnt happen again in therapy or in my life . it isnt just therapy .people in my life are rejecting me also because of how i am .im self centered ans selfish and spoiled . im not a good person to be around . it is just who i am .

[granite1]

chris im so sorry if i am frustrating you . its ok if you dont know what to say . im not an easy person . you are an amazing person an i listen to everything you say . im sorry

Originally Posted by granite1

. in the same session said if i wanted to see her privately we could work something out with that . confusing because then it was she doesnt wnt to see me in her private practice .

Oh granite, you don't frustrate me. I'm just trying to understand. The part I quoted is confusing me. So, is she saying if you want to see her privately you can work that out? Or was that what she had previously said and now she is saying absolutely only in the clinic because the change would be destabilizing to you?

[substancelessblue]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through - your pain and confusion is really clear. Do you feel safe in this therapy situation? Like, would you want to continue? Because it sounds like maybe your T is giving you some options or trying to make it easier in a way. Will you be able to see her privately or is she only allowing in the clinic? Maybe you need to tell her you need more help. 35 mins doesn't sound like enough, I can't even imagine such a short session could resolve much.
I totally get the rejection thing...It's the most hurtful experience. But you DO deserve help. You really do.

[granite1]

she said it in the same session . she went back and forth about things but in the end when i asked directly if she wanted me to see her in her private practice she said not without a reason . so many different things were said in res ponce to my questions it just seemed like she was coming up with every excuse to get out of me seeing her privately. i dont do well with her disclosing stuff either . she was talking some about the changes and how she will probably get yelled at eventually for doing therapy the way she is at the clinic. not taking notes and seeing me for 40 min . i dont want to know this stuff it scares me. i have lived this before . i like boundaries .im going in there on tuesday and ask for meds so i can be done with this . eventually she would see . im hoping ill be able to deal with just meds .i think im giving up on anyone being able to help me change who i am ,maybe strong meds will do it .no people interaction

[rainbow8]

It sounds like your T thinks seeing her in the clinic is better for you, in her opinion. But like Chris says, it's not clear. What is clear to me is that this has nothing to do with her thinking you're horrible or not wanting to help you anymore! You're not horrible and you ARE a good person to be around. Your T is NOT rejecting you!!

Maybe you can discuss it again and make it clear you do want to be in private practice with her? It's not clear if She's giving you a choice or not. I'm sorry you feel so bad but i think there is some misunderstandings about what your T said to you. I can imagine how confusing it was and how your head was spinning from all the information. I hope you can realize that you are not a horrible person!

[granite1]

hey rain i think this is a situation that talking about it can be even more hurtful. i am humiliated at the way i reacted to all of this and i just think i want to go on meds and hope that works and not deal with how my T feels about me . it hurts to know someone feels this way about you .i never seem to get use to it . how can she think it is better for me in the same breath tell me all she is not liking about how things are going . i dont see that as her saying it would be better for her to see me at the clinic bet not wanting to see me privately

[Merecat]

Am I right in thinking she's seeing you at the clinic, which does take your insurance, and doesn't want to move you to see her privately because she wouldn't take your insurance? So you would need to pay her out of pocket? That in itself is enough of an ethical issue to keep you at the clinic because she would be moving you to an arrangement that's less financially beneficial for you. I know it's rough for you. It it does sound like she's trying to be as fair as possible in the circumstances.

[unaluna]

Girl howdy granite you are rough on people who love you including yourself but maybe too easy and forgiving of others who don't deserve it?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Girl howdy granite you are rough on people who love you including yourself but maybe too easy and forgiving of others who don't deserve it?

i dont want to be at all. i do care about people . how do i not be so rough on people . this is what im talking about unaluna ,it seems to just be ingrained in me. im sorry .im not angry or mad at anyone but myself.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by granite1

i dont want to be at all. i do care about people . how do i not be so rough on people . this is what im talking about unaluna ,it seems to just be ingrained in me. im sorry .im not angry or mad at anyone but myself.

I was just saying, you sound so suspicious of your t's motives and feelings towards you, but if your mom calls you, you're the good daughter. Those brain arrows are pointed in the wrong direction, IMO.

[velcro003]

Granite, i've been reading this thread, and I am not quite sure what to say. It seems that you have been declining in the past months, and it makes me sad

I am confused on what exactly happened in the therapy session with your T, and i probably am confused because you are. I sort of get the feeling that you are almost always in a highly triggered state, and therefore everything you perceive is colored by being extremely anxious and activated, so it makes it hard to know what your T said to you.

From everything you've ever posted about her, she has always been consistent and kind towards you. I do think it is strange that she wants to keep you at the clinic if the appointments are only 35 minutes long. Why on earth are they that short anyway!?

Insurance companies are a b!tch. Many therapists do not take them because they are so diffficult to work with, they don't easily get reimbursed, and what they do get reimbursed is not even their full fee.

Maybe in her private practice she is only taking a select few insurances that are known to be better for her. I don't know. If you think that you would rather be in her private practice (and i agree that she knows you don't handle change well, so that could be a part of it too), I think you should go in next week and say "I really would prefer going to your private practice and not stay here, even if you don't take my insurance." I am not sure how she could refuse that.

I just am so sad seeing you beat yourself up so much. You are not horrible and awful, and you seem to be putting a lot of weight on the fact that you asked for an extra session. Those things are normal for clients to do. I have asked for one once, and I know that my T wouldn't have agreed if she couldn't do it. Your T wouldn't have fit you in so quickly if she didn't want to. She knew you were really struggling. It is OK to show her your vulnerability. It is okay to break down in front of her--i know you've had bad expereinces in the past with therapists/hospital like programs, but this is different. You are an adult, and not a teenager who is acting out.

Please, if you want to move to hte private practice, tell her.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I was just saying, you sound so suspicious of your t's motives and feelings towards you, but if your mom calls you, you're the good daughter. Those brain arrows are pointed in the wrong direction, IMO.

I also agree with this. I wish you would question your mother's motives.

[granite1]

morning velco . thanks for your thoughts . you are right i am always seeming to be in a state of anxiety and agitation . and im sure that is part of what hapend with my T. it has to be so exhausting. dealing with can not be fun . i see this so clear now and i do feel bad . i do this crap and act this way and dont even see it untill it comes back to me (and it always does) and hits me like a ton of bricks . mostly when it is to late to fix things . i have T today and im going to only talk about going on meds . maybe that will make things better for the people around me ,and me also .i wont need to be in therapy hopefully for long if the meds work . im done trying to deal with my past or trauma. i am not going to change .i dont know how . maybe the meds will do this for me . im also going to bring in my watch (i never have one ) to be sure she finishes in 35 min . she told me that she will probably eventually get yelled at for doing T the way she has been because i didnt like her talking notes . so she sees me longer and so on . i want nothing to do with her getting in trouble . so i will leave in 35 min . i wish this had never turned out like this . im so hurt but know it was my fault . its not like a im going to go eat worms kind of thing . but kind of a ,i know who i am kind of thing . anyway . i always feel you are so courageous along with so many others around here ,your ability to face these horrible things is amazing . its to much for me .give me meds dull the pain and send me on my way . a little better able to live

Granite, meds alone are not going to bring you healing.

You need to talk to your T about your preference to see her in private practice so you can have longer sessions, etc. Keep communicating. You sound like you are just quitting because you are convinced you are a problem. I suspect your thinking is way off here. Talk to your T. Don't be a martyr about this.

[rainbow8]

Please listen to Lola! You have come such a long, long way from when I first "met you". Please talk to your T.

Do you have T today, Granite? Big hugs, Lady. Hope you can discuss this with her.

[granite1]

i wish i could afford to see her privately but she has decided not to take my insurance. i would need to pay out of pocket. i think she was saying we could work something out if for some reason she can no longer see me in the clinic . otherwise i guess you could say i have a choice pay full out of pocket because she feels she can see me at the clinic . i bet thats when everything changed . she thought i was rich . its my husbands money not mine and he wont agree to pay out of pocket for something my insurance will pay for. i dont blame him . right now im just hurt confused and also dealing with a crap load of family crap that i will never tell her at this point . right now Xanax is my friend .i do have T today MKAC thank you so much for the hugs and encouragement

I am so sorry, Granite. Wish we could help.

[velcro003]

Granite: please don't give up. Mess are not a long-term fix, and nothing about this is your fault! I don't know if you have gone or not, but please tell her how you feel like she hates dealing w you and that's why you think she doesn't want you in private practice. If you've never spoken about $ with her, then she may not know its your husband's money. Please, please (I am begging here!) talk to your T about this. It is triggering you, but you can do it! You've had other scary conversations with T that turned out ok.