Couch 121: An Intimate Chat.

I just sent an excruciatingly honest email to t. Not quite as long as the one from Saturday night. I hope she doesn't get mad that I bothered her again so soon. I feel a lot better though, at least for now, having sent those thoughts to her. This work is so very, very difficult sometimes. I hope I didn't just push her over the edge and make her want to kick me out.

Well, what he did think, and still thinks, is that it's taking a long time for me to get better - and I pointed out to him that it's not really for him to say, but of course he's speaking only about what he perceives. And sometimes he gets frustrated when I still say the same kind of thing, fuelled by self-loathing, that I did five or six years ago when we first became close friends. And what he probably meant back in June was that he can imagine getting a bit too frustrated if another five or six years pass without the kind of change he would wish for - i.e., that I get happier, basically, and stop hating myself so much. He admitted that he probably phrased himself badly. It's just unfortunate that we didn't meet for so long, so that this was allowed to fester in me and led to the conclusion that I can only make other people's lives worse unless I stay away from them. (I had also seriously misinterpreted an email I got from him during the summer.) I no longer think that, for the record. (This may be temporary, knowing me )

TMI perhaps, but I wanted to explain, since you were kind enough to ask!

I hate work. Getting yelled at over phone, email and office IM all day stinks.

(((Crocus))) I am not so brave. Maybe someday I'll be able to have a conversation like that without going away in my mind.

Thank you. This kind of conversation is only possible for me with this one person (well, other than my T) and we've been working on it for a long time.

I hope you will, too. I find it healing. And it makes me feel like a human person, which is kind of nice.

Ellahmae, I have no wise words, but I think you are a good person, you've helped me a lot, and I'm glad you are around.

Ellahmae, I agree with Crocus I think you are a good person as well and I am glad you are around too.

I second this. I see your wonderful personality shine through in your posts and I value your friendship. You are worthy of happiness Ellah, I dearly hope you find it.

Morning, couchies. I felt so much better when I woke up this morning after having sent the email to t last night. She just responded now, that we will talk about it all, soon. Thankfully she did not say "stop emailing me, you crazy weirdo." I think today is going to be a much better day at work, finally having gotten to the bottom of what triggered me so on Saturday. Nothing's resolved, but at least I figured out what was bothering me so much. Just knowing will be enough until my next session. I feel like I can breathe again.

hugs to those who want them! have a good day/night, my friends.

Seeing everyone's kind thoughts this morning made me tear up, in a happy way. Thank you. Core belief that must be changed, and it's so tricky. I want to be happy. Life shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't be this hard to make a decision. I realized at some point laying awake staring at the ceiling last night that I think for the first time in my life I feel angry. T is going to be thrilled. I'm angry at all the people in my past that abused me that have made life difficult for me now. I didn't do anything wrong then. It wasn't me. It was how I responded and how I was trained and that has to change but I'm angry at them for hurting me in ways that I know how to suffer even more - when do they? No. They don't. They are still living their lives like nothing every happened, but it did. It did happen and I don't want to end my life because they messed up my future. T is going to be really thrilled today. She might even do her happy dance - haven't seen that in a while.

not TMI at all! I'm really glad you were able to talk to him and be honest. Yay for you

so far 2 painfully sprained ankle and awaiting on the results of the x rays to make sure the left one isnt broken .they threw in an x ray for the right one also just in case but doc believes it is just a bad sprain . she was giggling at me because she cant even give me crutches because they would be useless with both my ankles injured .

I hope it is not broken. Sprains hurt a lot but it takes a while for broken to mend in my experience.

Ouch!! Hope nothing is broken, Granite.

We're gonna hafta get you a human hamster ball to roll around in. Of course now i want one.

I hope nothing's broken, granite.

Look unaluna! They're ONLY like $854 on ebay. Ha!

What! I have a zit! At my age. Hmph. My face did not need to take it so literally that I felt 15 yesterday.

Let's have races!

omg even with morphine my ankles hurt and i just had to cancel my T apt for tomorrow because i cant walk or drive so now i wont see her for three weeks again do to the holiday

(((Granite))) I can't imagine the pain of both ankles being sprained at the same time! Hope you don't stay isolated the whole time. Here's to a speedy recovery!!

Trying real hard not to cut right now.. H and I had a very upsetting conversation.. Where he questions my mental stability, and called me
Manipulative to which I asked him to give me examples and he couldn't. So, for the last 5 years I have been struggling with a mental illness, and now that I have a handle on it, my h still sees me as struggling and I think he always will. Of all people I need him to encourage me, to build me up.. And I get the opposite from him. And I wonder why I struggle with believing good things about myself.

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(((Healed))) i think when an SO calls us manipulative, what is really being said is that we are so afraid of being rejected or denied that we are unable or unwilling to directly state what we want. Its not like they are calling us cruella de vil.

so it took me 4 whole days to figure out exactly what caused me to get triggered during my session Saturday, t knows it now cuz I sent it to her last night, and she said we'll talk about all of it, but this makes me want to talk to her sooner than 9 days from now. Well, it's not like this is something I'm going to forget, some deep stuff from many many years ago, perhaps the days in between that include a short vacation with h will be a way to kinda blow out some cobwebs or something and I'll be all refreshed and ready to really dig in and talk about it with her when I go back again. I shall think positive.

So I tried to make small talk today with folks. Got a lot of weird looks. People who know me say im a great person to be around. But the amount of people who know me is getting smaller. I need a drinking buddy, a gun buddy, and a chilling out buddy. Had them but they've moved.

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