[objectclient]

...it's making me feel like doing SH

Ok, so everyone here probably knows I am struggling with obsessing over ex T. I want to stop googling and checking her FB, I really do. It's getting out of hand and having a really bad effect on my mental health. It's making me feel on edge wondering what next piece of unwanted info I am about to learn, it's taking up time and brain space when I could be doing and thinking of something else, it's stopping me moving on with my life and most of all, I HATE MYSELF FOR IT! After each time I check up on T, I am wrecked with guilt and feel like I need to SH as some kind of cleansing/punishing ritual. It's like binge eating and then feeling disgusted with yourself so you force yourself to be sick to put things right. I have managed to refrain so far but I really need to stop googling and would really appreciate some advise on breaking this habit, thanks.

block her account- i THINK maybe then you cant find her when you search?

[Argonautomobile]

What are some things you can do, instead, when the urge comes up?

[BudFox]

I'm forgetting some of the details. To what extent does your ex T know you are obsessing on her, and if she does know to what extent does she feel responsible or care?

One of the things that has driven me nuts is being left with these obsessive and intrusive thoughts, while the person who induced them is cut off from the reality of it.

Do you think part of the problem is that you want to tell her, emphatically -- don't you see what you have set in motion for s**t's sake!

[ScarletPimpernel]

I took my ex-T off my fb search. I also got rid of her contact information so I didn't see her picture at all. Just seeing her picture triggered me. I also took everything I had from ex-T (printed out emails, letters, homework, pictures, etc.) and put them in a box at the bottom of my storage closet buried underneath other boxes.

Do you have other things (like emails) that are triggering you?

Hugs, I feel your pain.

[objectclient]

Originally Posted by Starry_Night

block her account- i THINK maybe then you cant find her when you search?

Thanks, that's a good idea! I've done it already

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

What are some things you can do, instead, when the urge comes up?

I'm not sure I am even aware of when the urge comes up, it's so automatic. I don't have to be even feeling anxious or reminded of T before I find myself googling. I think maybe it's something I do when I'm bored, or in response to my baseline anxiety, or even if I feel worthless, because I didn't feel worthless in her company. I guess I need to learn how to notice when I feel the need to check up on T and cope with the above feelings instead rather than obsessing on T, which doesn't help at all.

Originally Posted by BudFox

I'm forgetting some of the details. To what extent does your ex T know you are obsessing on her, and if she does know to what extent does she feel responsible or care?

One of the things that has driven me nuts is being left with these obsessive and intrusive thoughts, while the person who induced them is cut off from the reality of it.

Do you think part of the problem is that you want to tell her, emphatically -- don't you see what you have set in motion for s**t's sake!

Ex T has no idea I am obsessing and I doubt she cares or feels responsible as she rejected me as a client when I got back in touch with her for further therapy.

I did raise the issue of over-attachment when in therapy with her and although I didn't notice my behavior for what it was at the time (i.e. obsessive) I am surprised and feel let-down as a client that ex T, a trained professional, didn't spot this and help me work through it. Instead, I am left with the intrusive and obsessive thoughts, like you say, months later.

You're spot on, I do want to tell her and feel she has failed in her duty as a T to help me work through what I've now been dumped with.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I took my ex-T off my fb search. I also got rid of her contact information so I didn't see her picture at all. Just seeing her picture triggered me. I also took everything I had from ex-T (printed out emails, letters, homework, pictures, etc.) and put them in a box at the bottom of my storage closet buried underneath other boxes.

Do you have other things (like emails) that are triggering you?

I archived all emails months ago, not sure whether if I deleted them I would later regret it once I'd got over the post-termination pain so they aren't triggering me. I also locked away letters, homework etc and haven't looked at them since. I wouldn't say anything like that is triggering me, it's more the emotional void and distress of not having this person in my life anymore, being rejected by her more recently and feeling let-down that she didn't help me with the obsessive attachment stuff that I presume comes from unmet infantile needs.

I have blocked her FB and website on my browser so hopefully that will deter me from searching but I'm not sure that will stop me from pining.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by objectclient

Ex T has no idea I am obsessing and I doubt she cares or feels responsible as she rejected me as a client when I got back in touch with her for further therapy.

I did raise the issue of over-attachment when in therapy with her and although I didn't notice my behavior for what it was at the time (i.e. obsessive) I am surprised and feel let-down as a client that ex T, a trained professional, didn't spot this and help me work through it. Instead, I am left with the intrusive and obsessive thoughts, like you say, months later.

You're spot on, I do want to tell her and feel she has failed in her duty as a T to help me work through what I've now been dumped with.

Have you made attempts to communicate all this via email? I feel it's important for therapists to hear exactly what the outcome has been. I'm an advocate of using Yelp to get this message across. To say publicly that therapy caused obsessive, intrusive thoughts is bound to leave a mark.

This obsessive stuff, it is a nightmare. I have lived it for 2 years now. I think it is reprehensible that clients get the blame for it. Getting abandoned in the midst of it is even worse. One therapist told me she thinks the worst thing a therapist can do is provoke overwhelming dependency or attachment, and then drop the client.

At some point I realized my therapist did not have the means to actively help. But what she could have done was sit quietly while I told her just how agonizing this had been. For as long as I felt saying it. Not doing this makes the whole process a fraud.

[objectclient]

Originally Posted by BudFox

Have you made attempts to communicate all this via email? I feel it's important for therapists to hear exactly what the outcome has been. I'm an advocate of using Yelp to get this message across. To say publicly that therapy caused obsessive, intrusive thoughts is bound to leave a mark.

This obsessive stuff, it is a nightmare. I have lived it for 2 years now. I think it is reprehensible that clients get the blame for it. Getting abandoned in the midst of it is even worse. One therapist told me she thinks the worst thing a therapist can do is provoke overwhelming dependency or attachment, and then drop the client.

At some point I realized my therapist did not have the means to actively help. But what she could have done was sit quietly while I told her just how agonizing this had been. For as long as I felt saying it. Not doing this makes the whole process a fraud.

I have had some contact via email post-termination but that was only about inquiring after further therapy and the reply I received was just stating the fact that T would not see me as a client again but would be happy to refer me/recommend a colleague. After venting here on PC, I got together the courage to send a further email in response asking if T could explain why this was so and I received the explanation that it would be "unethical" due to "dependency" and "complacency" in the therapeutic relationship. I then received the additional explanation a few days later that T's diary was full so could not take on any clients anyway.

The way that these emails from T were written and signed off clearly gave the impression that they were not intended to be responded to and there was no room for negotiation or explanation. That's why it felt so difficult and almost "pushing the boundaries" when I asked T why it was that I couldn't be taken on as a client again. She never even replied to my last email. For that reason, I don't think contacting T after all this time to tell her about the obsessive and intrusive thoughts that therapy has induced would go down well. I would be worried about being accused of harassment because she has made it clear that we have terminated therapy, she will never see me as a client again, and doesn't even want me in the same building seeing the colleague she passed me onto on the days she is working. This all or nothing approach meaning that we can't even behave like civil adults and say hello in passing is actually fueling my obsessive and intrusive thoughts further.

Anyway, I'm pleased to report that blocking T's social media, website etc. is currently working very well. I've been ruminating about her, the therapy, being rejected etc. far less the last couple of days since I can no longer check up on what T's up to. Hopefully, it will continue to improve and I'll be back to where I was a couple of weeks ago when she was gone from my thoughts completely for a whole week. I think another reason I've been doing it (i.e. googling T) is because I am desperate to find out a reason for why T can't see me again when according to her therapist's profile (which is kept updated), she is taking on new clients after all, just not me. I was constantly wondering what I did wrong for her to reject me. Was it something I said? Did I somehow overstep the boundaries? Am I unlikable? Was I not making enough progress? Was I too difficult or dependent? But every time I keep coming back to the same conclusion. I did nothing wrong only be myself and present my issues. I didn't overstep boundaries, I'm sure. T initiated hugs as part of the therapy and I respected T's boundaries when she contacted me from her personal phone numbers but asked me not to use those numbers to contact her. I also never asked any personal questions. What she self-disclosed was entirely her doing and she did so quite often in relation to the therapy.

Anyway, there is no point wondering any more. Clearly something went wrong but it's done and dusted now and I need to move on.

[BudFox]

Wow that is such a load of shite. Those sorts of unilateral decisions and declarations are the mark of an amateur and someone whose own issues are front and center. Insinuations of harassment are a subtle client blaming device. It's ok for the therapist to drop the client abruptly and irresponsibly, but if the client protests or seeks to mitigate the harm they are the bad guy. Right. Mustn't disturb the princess in her lair. Mustn't challenge her royal decree.

I would nail her arse to the wall on Yelp. Not out of spite or vengeance, but because I think there is something very dangerous and pernicious in a therapist mistreating or abandoning or lying to a client, and then expecting the client to roll over and obey, without protest or complaint. It's a defeating and disempowering dynamic, possibly the last thing a client needs to get from therapy. Why absorb such injustice and stuff it down, when you paid this woman to at least not screw things up and make you worse? I put my ex therapist's nose in the s**t somewhat, by insistently telling her what she'd done, and it helped lessen the feelings of powerlessness and helplessness. Anyway, don't mind my ranting, you have your own plan.

[rainbow8]

I'm so terribly sorry your T didn't help you with the attachment and obsession. I know how hard it is to stop. From personal experience, as you know!! It's addictive and sometimes I still Google her and her family, just to feel connected. Facebook hurts too much so I don't go there any more. Time will help, and blocking her account was a good move. Try to find alternatives that make you feel good. I wish you had gotten closure. I think it would help to discuss it with another T who can help you with the issues that led you to obsess. I feel for you. Hugs.

[SvanThor]

Remind yourself that your therapist deserves privacy as much as you do.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by SvanThor

Remind yourself that your therapist deserves privacy as much as you do.

The OP hasn't done anything illegal by googling their therapist. Everything that is online is public information. Your comment is not helpful, sorry.

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by SvanThor

Remind yourself that your therapist deserves privacy as much as you do.

I do not think it is an invasion of privacy to do internet searching. I've done internet searches on Drs and Ts to help me decide if I want to see them and I am obviously not alone in that otherwise there would not be so many different customer satisfaction rating websites. The internet is a public place.

If it is hurting OP to do the searching, then I hope you can stop and I applaud you taking the steps you have to do so.

This does sound like a form of addiction. I think I really understand as I've struggled with various obsessions/addictions throughout my life. The shame and frustration that follows, including about all the wasted time. When you have these desires to google the T, does it typically last for a relatively short while if you resist it, or persists long at a time? Addictive urges often come in short and intense bouts (impulses), peak, and then fade out. What is often recommended when someone is trying to beat addictive urges/behaviors is to reach out for help to others who understand when the urge hits. Even if there if the responses are not directly helpful, the mere act of distraction may help allow the urge to dissipate. Posting here on PC when you feel like googling may be good, but perhaps also joining some sort of peer support group that you could access easily (not like therapy)? Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) is one that comes to mind... based on your descriptions this thing about your ex T is not exactly codependence but CoDA is supposed to be for people who want to develop healthier relationships. You could go to meetings and develop connection with other people that you could call or email when these obsessive urges hit.

[Waterbear]

Originally Posted by Myrto

The OP hasn't done anything illegal by googling their therapist. Everything that is online is public information. Your comment is not helpful, sorry.

I think you are right that it is not illegal but I think everyone else gets to decide whether this is a helpful comment or not. It may not be for you but it might be for someone else. It is certainly something I tell myself when I am considering looking up my T or her family online or going past her house. The OP asked 'how do I stop....' abnd this may be one way they can help themselves to stop.

[objectclient]

I am feeling really anxious right now and if I wasn't wanting to stop the behavior, I would be googling T right at this minute. I guess doing so does alleviate my anxiety but then once it has passed I am left feeling ashamed, self-loathing and angry with myself for the obsession. I'm struggling to find something else that's more constructive than obsessing over T when anxious. The urge to google isn't usually short-lived. It typically lasts for hours, even days. Googling seems to pacify me in one way but then adds in other distressing emotions.

Could you then google something else, some information that is useful for you or just entertaining and is not causing distress? Perhaps learn about anxiety and search various coping methods? Then try them out.

[Waterbear]

This sounds really tough and I apologise because my comments were probably largely unhelpful because I missed that this was your Ex T. I am sorry. I do really hope that you can find some peace though.

[rainbow8]

Are you considering another T? The reasons for obsessing, the infantile unmet needs, as you said, are still there. A qualified T wouldn't leave you the way your T did. She would help you deal with it. Or at least help sort out what your T did and didn't do so you can move on.

[ScarletPimpernel]

The worst part for me about ex-T abandoning me is the "why". Why did it happen? Was it me? Was it her? Both? What happened?

T tells me to try to put it out of my head because I will never have an answer and all I'm doing is torturing myself. So it's good that you seem to not be focusing on the "why".

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Are you considering another T? The reasons for obsessing, the infantile unmet needs, as you said, are still there. A qualified T wouldn't leave you the way your T did. She would help you deal with it. Or at least help sort out what your T did and didn't do so you can move on.

I seen no reason to believe that another T, regardless of qualifications, won't abandon OP. I also think another T is more likely than not to side with his/her colleague and attempt to blame the client.

Is therapy a solution for unmet infantile needs, or is it part of the problem, dragging people down further?

Seems like meditation would be a thing to try. Slow the process down and observe what is really going on.

[Willowleaf]

Hi, I rarely post on here for fear of offending people, but I wondered if you couldn't stop googling maybe you could change your focus. Since you seem to know quite a bit about your old t maybe you could google something she does or is interested in. That might distract you, but doing it might still make you feel a bit closer and reduce the anxiety. If I was in this situation I think it would be the closeness I craved and for me sometimes doing a version of this has helped. I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds awful

[MariaLucy]

I can thoroughly understand your need to google. She has disempowered you and you feel that she has shut you out and trampled on you, with her lies about why she 'cannot' see you. So I can understand the anger and the attempt to get back some control by seeing what she is doing and knowing what is going on in her life. If she does not have privacy settings then it is her fault she is so easy to track and trace. I have felt this way about my own T who terminated with me so abruptly and awfully two weeks ago. I have googled him like crazy but there is nothing there to find out about him which is horribly frustrating. I have found out some things and feel better for that. I don't feel so powerless. I don't think it is obsessive for me. It is a hatred of feeling a victim. I do it when I get angry with what he has done to me. Please - I do not want judgements for what I have admitted. I am in a really bad place with the awful termination and just coping any which way I can without hurting myself or anyone else.

[objectclient]

Originally Posted by BudFox

Wow that is such a load of shite. Those sorts of unilateral decisions and declarations are the mark of an amateur and someone whose own issues are front and center. Insinuations of harassment are a subtle client blaming device. It's ok for the therapist to drop the client abruptly and irresponsibly, but if the client protests or seeks to mitigate the harm they are the bad guy. Right. Mustn't disturb the princess in her lair. Mustn't challenge her royal decree.

I would nail her arse to the wall on Yelp. Not out of spite or vengeance, but because I think there is something very dangerous and pernicious in a therapist mistreating or abandoning or lying to a client, and then expecting the client to roll over and obey, without protest or complaint. It's a defeating and disempowering dynamic, possibly the last thing a client needs to get from therapy. Why absorb such injustice and stuff it down, when you paid this woman to at least not screw things up and make you worse? I put my ex therapist's nose in the s**t somewhat, by insistently telling her what she'd done, and it helped lessen the feelings of powerlessness and helplessness. Anyway, don't mind my ranting, you have your own plan.

Thanks for the suggestion but I wouldn't feel comfortable rating her on Yelp. I understand what you're saying about her being dangerous as a therapist and I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I have, yet at the same time I can't see how it wouldn't be interpreted as an act of vengeance and personally, I feel I would later regret it.

If I do find a new T though, I will be sure to speak my mind if I feel they've messed up, even if it means losing them as my T. I would rather that than spend months absorbing the injustice only to become over-attached to them and put myself in a position of powerlessness.

Originally Posted by SvanThor

Remind yourself that your therapist deserves privacy as much as you do.

Do I have privacy from the therapist though? Absolutely not. She knows everything there is to know about me and I know very little about her. There is a massive imbalance there, so if T deserves as much privacy as I do, she would have very little if that were the case.

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

Could you then google something else, some information that is useful for you or just entertaining and is not causing distress? Perhaps learn about anxiety and search various coping methods? Then try them out.

I have some info on coping methods but I have yet to find one that works. I also often try googling other stuff but my heart and mind aren't into it and I can't engage with anything other than searching for T.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Are you considering another T? The reasons for obsessing, the infantile unmet needs, as you said, are still there. A qualified T wouldn't leave you the way your T did. She would help you deal with it. Or at least help sort out what your T did and didn't do so you can move on.

I'm still looking for a new T and this is my hope, that someone can help me find closure. I will be very careful this time though. Once bitten, twice shy.

Originally Posted by Willowleaf

Hi, I rarely post on here for fear of offending people, but I wondered if you couldn't stop googling maybe you could change your focus. Since you seem to know quite a bit about your old t maybe you could google something she does or is interested in. That might distract you, but doing it might still make you feel a bit closer and reduce the anxiety. If I was in this situation I think it would be the closeness I craved and for me sometimes doing a version of this has helped. I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds awful

Yes, it is the closeness I crave and at the times I feel the urge to google, I can't engage my heart and mind with anything else. At the same time though, googling about T makes me so angry. It's odd but don't have any interest whatsoever in the things T is interested in or does for a hobby. Nor am I interested in her personal life really. I think it's just the only way I have of feeling close to her.

Originally Posted by MariaLucy

I can thoroughly understand your need to google. She has disempowered you and you feel that she has shut you out and trampled on you, with her lies about why she 'cannot' see you. So I can understand the anger and the attempt to get back some control by seeing what she is doing and knowing what is going on in her life.

You've hit the nail on the head. That's exactly how I feel.

Originally Posted by MariaLucy

If she does not have privacy settings then it is her fault she is so easy to track and trace. I have felt this way about my own T who terminated with me so abruptly and awfully two weeks ago. I have googled him like crazy but there is nothing there to find out about him which is horribly frustrating. I have found out some things and feel better for that. I don't feel so powerless. I don't think it is obsessive for me. It is a hatred of feeling a victim. I do it when I get angry with what he has done to me. Please - I do not want judgements for what I have admitted. I am in a really bad place with the awful termination and just coping any which way I can without hurting myself or anyone else.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know the feeling exactly.