Couch 127: The Wayward Couch

Omg they were just discussing this on QI , a British quiz program, just the other week. How after a couple of days the skin loosens."...

I hope you feel better soon.

Well, I did it. I had an appointment with t today and told him I wanted to work towards ending my therapy. I told him not right away, but looking at summer time.

How did the therapist take it?

Bad argument with DD. Discussed it with T. T says DD seems to have no boundaries. T says I don't put my boundary down soon enough....that I should not participate in DD's bullying exchanges. She wants me to say, " I hear you, DD, but I'm not going to get into this now, (in the middle of a grocery store!), we will discuss it later."

Puhleeeze! DD rants at me relentlessly int he store and in her car, it's not like I can walk away. I can't imagine myself staying calm and collected...and telling her, "I hear you, but I'm not discussing it now." Instead, at first I said, "Let's not get into an argument two days before Christmas." When she persisted, yes, I blew my top. Now I'm not allowing DD to contact me whatsoever.

Anyone else have success staying calm and sane while a family member or friend just rants at you? I sure don't. How do you do it?!

Gah! I am so flipping angry at t right now! It's in the dear t thread but apparently ranting there wasn't enough!! i hate this god damn stupid convoluted frickin' relationship!

(rant over.)
(I now return you to the normal couch calm.)

I just broke my desk by slamming it with my fist. One time. I didn't even punch it that hard. And both drawers fell out. Stupid cheap-*** put it together yourself furniture.

well crap.

now i'm done.

Art - I think maybe you have a right to be angry with her for not respecting your boundary over a January break. I would not be happy with a therapist who did that, deep work be darned.

Thanks @@. I appreciate that.

I suppose actually allowing myself to get this angry could be considered a good thing, except for the fact that I broke my desk.

eta: my son is going to fix it this weekend. he's really good at that kinda thing.

How old is she?
There's not much you can do with teenagers except wait for them to grow out of it.

Actually I don't agree that there is not much one can do. One can insist on civility/no ranting. One must learn that one does not have to like things, but that does not mean one can act/treat others disrespectfully.

I suddenly miss future ex very, very much. Someone smack me.

Smacked.

Much.

She's in her mid-30's.

My car broke down and I asked her if she could take me on a quick grocery run. She said, sure. She acted fine.

When we were in the store she started at me rapid fire: "So what's the plan with the car? Why haven't you asked uncle for money to fix it? I can't be taking you around for your errands- you need to ask me *last.* I have been taking care of you since I was 15 y/o, (not true!) the only difference is now I can drive. I'll be glad one day to put you in a nursing home..." I told her she needs to quit yelling at me. She said she wasn't yelling, she was trying to pound some reason into me... There's more, but that's the gist. It was an unexpected and heated argument. I couldn't believe it.

I told her if I asked her to do something for me, all she has to do is say, "No, mom, I can't do that right now." She replied, "No, that way I'll feel guilty thinking I should have done it!"

T says my plans about my car are really none of her business.

I think what set DD off is she counts on me (and my car) as backup because my grandson is autistic and ADHD. DD is afraid he will miss the bus or have an emergency...and she will have to leave work to tend to it. My car being out of commission is inconvenient for her. She worries about it. She has a tendency to want to micromanage both my grandson and me. Well, she's not going to micromanage me!

She's divorced, her ex is several states away. Locally, it's just DD, grandson and me.

Funny thing, when she wants something, she has no problem asking me.
Arrrgh.
I'm better off if we don't talk to each other.

Sorry, probably more information than you all needed..

Art, it's like that day you had a bad therapy session and wouldn't talk, then regretted it afterward, thinking your therapist would terminate. Could you be trying to pick a fight with her in order to force an ending? I ask that, not thinking it's the case because you like her so much and get a lot out of therapy. But I think if you don't want that Jan appt, you can just tell her you changed your mind, that you need to follow your own inner rhythm. She ought to respect and encourage that.

eta: nevermind. I read your latest dear t post. I get it.

Art - you know, sometimes, transference or not, the problem is actually something the therapist did. She ignored your desire for a break in January. Last time you got angry with her, she'd called you "possessed." These are reasons for anyone to be upset with anyone else. Sure, maybe there's overtones of your mother. But that doesn't excuse a therapist's mistakes, or your right to have anger at her.

I'm not trying to stir anything up; I could be wrong, but it just seems like every time she does something that others also find obnoxious - like when she told you you need to make more money - transference ends up absolving her of responsibility. And that's not helping you. Being able to distinguish between reacting to people because of transference and reacting to people because they've actually done something to cause an emotional reaction seems like a really good life skill to me.

Sorry if I'm overstepping - your last Dear T post just seems to be taking the blame all on you, and that's neither accurate nor fair.

If i dream ie have that recurring nightmare about my exes tonight, im blaming you

Really well.. Glad that I am feeling well enough to consider stopping, and is ok with whatever timeline I want for ending.

I missed SD puppy pic shame

It is 8pm here I am lying in bed waiting for the drugs to kick in I am so done with today I am so done with every day

That's the way it goes. You don't stop loving someone just because you can't live with them.

(I still love Madame T but I'm not going back)

You're good. Not overstepping. Thanks for pointing that out. And actually that's what she told me I was doing when we talked about that "possession" session. That I was taking too much of it on myself and I shouldn't have. Anger is still such a scary thing for me to feel - it's easier for me to blame myself than to allow the anger to be at another person especially t and I suppose this really still does go back to my mother, because if I got mad at her when I was younger she would literally turn her back and refuse to speak to me for days, and I remember sitting in my room crying not understanding why my mommy hated me. So today, t very much being in that 'role', I do the same damn thing, take all the blame on myself and absolve her so she won't turn her back on me like my mother did. I feel like I am sitting here naked now after revealing all of that, I'm just going to go put a 2nd layer of clothes on now. Nothing to see here, moving along.....

Maybe i need a new t. I don't know. Or no t at all for awhile.....longer than a month....