Consistency

Mona,

I used to have an inconsistent T. She always changed appointment times and did cancel on short notice (without explanation or anything). There were weeks she couldn't fit me in. She also threw me out of session after 20minutes on regular basis. Whenever she had to cancel, I was sure it was due to another client who was more important than me.
It didn't bother me, or at least I thought so. She was the T, I was sure she knew what she was doing.

Anyway. 1 year ago I've started therapy with a new T. He's very consistent, I always see him on the same days. There was one exception, where we had to reschedule, he let me know weeks in advance.
This consistency is gold worth. I feel much safer than with previous T( Although I still struggle a lot with trusting him, but that definitly isn't his fault).

What I want to say is: For me, consistency is very very important. It's part of feeling safe and appreciated, not feeling "too much", etc.

Please take care. I know you adore this T, but I also think that you should try to value yourself a bit more than her... It's not your job to make your T happy. You don't need to counsel her if she's feeling bad (uhm, which you mentioned in an earlier post, I think). There's only one "you".

You two surely are a model of a pair who makes a distance relationship work. I remember when you first found out she was leaving. It was a long time ago!

I've always found the thought of a standing appointment, same day and time each week, just absolutely smothering. Like they own me or something.

None of mine have shown different attitudes from session to session. A couple times it was obvious they weren't having the best day, or were still sleepy, but meh. Or maybe I just don't pay enough attention to them to notice.

hes good about not reacting or taking it personally. ive accused him of some really awful things, like drugging me (i was psychotic). he looked very sad but that was about it. he is very aware of where all of this comes from... from my previous traumas. his consistency does make me feel safer. he is a safe person. its just my mind that creates him as this unsafe, scary man sometiems

This must be extremely hard Starrynight, I really dont know how you manage with her being gone or how you haven't found a new t.

I think everyone on here would answer this differently but for me its about taking whatever crumbs I can get. Its teaching me to see that I deserve more than crumbs. The question is why do we do anything because we have been trained and these messages have been ingrained that we dont deserve anything more.
I believe that there is learning in everything and every situation. It has been my therapy and is has been therapy for me, its not working anymore but for a time it did and it was the best I could do.

I get what you are saying Demunie, it really is about safety and feeling contained. I am glad you found a t who can provide both safety and consistency.
Truth is I do adore my t. I think because she was so unbelievably kind in my first two years of seeing her that I am looking for excuses as to why she has become so bitter and cold. I know its more about her and her private life but it doesnt make it feel any better. She has a lot going on right now but so do I. This was the worst year of my life in so many ways. Bullying me into changing and always telling me I am whining is really not helping me through the impasse. I have told her this many times.
Thank you for your responses and all of the responses so far. There really is something to consistency.

I have had a lot of relational trauma a have a lot of people on here. So this is a pattern I am very used to engaging in with my t any everybody I come into contact with. I seem to choose therapists that will respond like this and I provoke something in them that makes them get mad at me.

Thank you Tsunami, It sounds as though you have been through something similar with you t and are now on the other side of it. Attachment is a huge part of this. My t and I have different attachment styles and I have done a bit of research on this and it does seem to have a huge affect on the relationship and the therapeutic alliance. When I am clingy and needy my t will push me away and when she gets all clingy I proclaim indifference. I have never told her just how she means to me because she would most definitely not handle it very well and this would cause me great pain.

Thank you Velcro, yes, I have known for a while. I am still mustering up enough strength to finally walk away. I am glad your t acknowledges her mistakes and tries to repair them, this must be very healing. I wish my t could at least see how much her comments hurt me.

No this wasnt covered in any great detail in our training. I have not done much trauma training, its not really integrated in general t training here and you need to do a specialised training to call yourself a trauma t. My t has done a lot of trauma training but I am thinking she needs a refresher. I have read an awful lot about trauma and especially about the breaking and continuing and how important it is to go at the clients pace and not push them any further. I remember one of my first ruptures with t. She was trying to guilt trip me into reporting my abuser. She was really pushing and I felt so guilty, she was saying how could i live with myself knowing he was still out there free t abuse children. Asking if I even felt a little bit guilty about that.
I have been thinkinf for a long while that I need to really visit a trauma specialist but there isnt any here in my county only my t.

Mad... irritation... frustration...

Somewhere on PC, I read about a t becoming impatient about the rate of change and the OP said that they needed a t that was able to accept that the change would occur at the rate it did and not at the rate they wanted it. Is it possible that these therapists are actually frustrated at the situation because they have hit the wall in trying to help you and they don't know how to move forward. That the frustration or anger you are feeling is not actually at you per say but the situation and their own limitation.

Challenge question - is it her that has changed or you? I ask you because of how critical I have recently been towards my t and having to realize that she actually hasn't changed, that it is me that has changed. She is the same willing and concerned t she's always been that doesn't always get or connect with what I am saying. She still cares for me and wants to help me.

Because of this, personally, I think you've gone as far as you can with this t and at least a break is in order. I don't see how you can feel safe and vulnerable with her based on this statement and several others. You have asked her to change, you have tried to work with her on what is and is not working and she is incapable at this time to make those alterations in her behaviors.

What would you tell someone that was telling you this story? How would you support them? Be kind to yourself, Mona. It's ok to look for what you feel you need, it's ok that a relationship ends and a new one begins (<-- not something I'm good at and it is so much easier said than done).

I see yourself holding you within the palms of your hands, providing yourself with the comforts and care you share with and give to other people.

Mona, if you are not ready to leave the current T for good... have you considered or tried seeing others in parallel? Interview a few and see how you feel about them? Maybe some male T's included (you posted about having issues trusting women)? Even if they do not have special training in trauma, I think responsibility, consistency and reliability can also be a personality trait that's intrinsic in some people and they naturally work that way. Perhaps these people would also have a higher probability to be more secure about themselves and about the interpersonal world. Have a few appointments with some and see if you find a better fit that seems more attractive than your current T?

When my T was suddenly recommending hospitalization to me at early (I guess last, since it's 2017!) year, I was really upset with her. And she'd seem annoyed with me, which also upset me. The next session she said she recommended that because she wasn't sure if she was helping me enough (I'd been seeing her for 4 years) and thought maybe I needed a higher level of care than I could get from seeing her (and MC) once a week. She said she felt like she wasn't doing enough, so this was more about her than me. So it's possible this could be going on with your T, Mona.

I have though about this and I did try see one last year, she was crazier than a box of frogs but I really liked her. She was a long way away so we did two hour sessions every fortnight for a number of months and then she told me she was retiring. I didn't go back to see her and I decided to just stay with my t because she wouldn't be retiring for a long time yet.
I could try again, what have I got to lose . I have been working with male supervisors this year and have found them more compassionate and kinder than I had anticipated which was really surprising.

Yes, it would make sense that this is more about her than me. I have a habit of trying to change people and to fix things and so I always try to change myself or to fix the relationship but I can't fix t. Thank you for highlighting this for me Lonesome. That must have been very confusing and hurtful for you?


This is so true Elio, I often forget that it's ok for a relationship to end and a new one to begin. I always thought there was something very wrong with me because when I even think of a relationship ending or never seeing somebody again I burst into tears, even now they are falling. This is my very core problem, how I will stay in a relationship no matter what it brings to me. My even said I have a very tolerance for abuse because I have been in so many abusive relationships.
I was thinking about my next session with t next week and I am stuck because everything I say she will criticise and tell me I am whining, how can I feel comfortable just breathing around her. I believe this is her issue. She makes me feel like a little girl who needs to be scolded.
I think I mentioned that my t pushed me too far and doesn't go at my pace or follow my lead. I have been stuck in an impasse now for over five years and it frustrates her so much to not see me making progress. She wants me to move out and to change a lot of things that I need her support with, not her scolding and judging. If somebody came to me in this situation I would just stay with them where they are at and support them in that hard place. Not try to kick them up the backside or to the curb. I would really try to understand how it is for them and how frustrating it must be for them to be so stuck. When they were ready we could look at what they needed in order to get unstuck. I my t to just let me be and to support me without trying to change me. I will only change when I feel ready to.
Thank you for your thoughtful post Elio

Sorry deleted this because I didn't think it would be helpful. My heads a bit all over the place tonight. Sending you Mona

Echoes hope you are ok?
It could be helpful ? I am not in defence mode today and am open to all suggestions. Defending my t isn't helping me anymore.

Thanks mona, I'm okay, I'm just seeing T tomorrow for the first time in a couple of weeks and I feel a bit weird. I'm sure I'll feel better after the session.
I was just saying something in response to what you said about staying with abusive relationships and having a high tolerance for abuse. It was just that past relational patterns don't have to define our present or future relationships and sometimes it just takes meeting a different type of person, who won't respond to you in the way you've always known, to change your perspective on what abuse you can tolerate. My H did this to me with his kindness and patience and undid the script of all the abusive relationships of my past. I was just saying that as long as you stay with this T you are denying yourself the opportunity to find a therapeutic relationship which can help to undo this script.
I didn't want it to sound like I was blaming you in any way, because I understand completely how difficult it is to break a pattern like this.

It is really difficult to break this pattern ( and painful , excruciating sometimes ) My head is all over the place with transference and I see it with others here on the forum too so I know I'm not alone. I can sort of see what your T is doing , trying to make it so intolerable and unbearable that you go that's enough. My rescue cat has been with me for five months and he's learned to trust me through being loved and cared about and treated properly - and that's what we all respond too. Tough love ? Well , it sounds good in theory , but don't overdo it.

Thank you Echoes and Out There! Echos I didn't feel you were blaming me at all. Sometimes this relational pattern of mine consumes and controls me. I forget that it doesn't always have to be so hard and it's easy to blame myself when everyone I interact with responds in the same way. I am the problem, realistically I know that relationships are co created but sometimes I go straight to the blame myself trap. Changing scripts that we have used our whole lives will take more than three years of therapy to change. I need to see a new way of living and experience a new way of interacting with people to be able to move on. I really hope your session with your t tomorrow goes well.
It is really difficult to break the pattern OutThere but I know it can be done because you have done it.
I get what my t is doing too, I really do and it may work with others and with me it just hurts too much because of my transference/ attachment to her.