Consistency

This is something I have never had in therapy. My day and time is never consistent and neither is the way my t is during session. Sometimes she is nice and other times she is like a witch.
This is a pattern I am all too familiar with in my own family. My mother is very unpredictable.
I realise now that my therapy is a plAce of chaos and inconsistency. No wonder I am so drawn to my t and try to please her in so many different ways.
Does anyone here see a benefit from weekly therapy at the same time and same day every week?
It is impossible for me to do this because of the way I work but it has never been an issue until now. I have never craved consistency because I thought it was boring, predictable and bloody mundane. Perhaps in consistency there is a safety?

Consistency is absolutely vital to me. The first thing I asked current T via email before I met him was whether he had any weekly slots available. I still have the same time 2 years later.
Everything about my therapy is consistent and T knows how important that is to me. I notice any tiny change in the therapy room, his door is always ajar when I arrive, I always give three little knocks and he always shouts "come in". Once he arrived at the same time as me and he was really mad at himself for not already being inside because he knows how important the consistency is to me. After T1 who caused all kinds of anxiety by not giving me regular appointments and not knowing when he would be available, it has made a really big difference to me. I had no consistency in childhood and now I do have someone I can rely on.
It sounds like your T is failing to meet yet another need of yours, mona

Consistency is essential to a safe T relationship and I'm surprised if any T thinks differently.
I suspect yours is just disorganised, but that doesn't inspire confidence.

Same day/time would not be the issue. What I would struggle with is having nice T one week & evil T the next. That would not feel conducive to effective therapy & frankly, that would drive me (and my emotions) 'crazy'. Actually, it would feel abusive to have such a volatile T.

I think it's important yes. I wasn't consistent early on in my therapy due to a combination of work schedule and being hard to pin down to come in ( which my T pointed out recently and I had to acknowledge I WAS ! ). I know it's a big trigger for some people , including my EMDR T ,but it's not one of mine if it's not excessive. With regular T now we are fairly consistent. I can't see any benefit in repeating patterns from our past - where is the healing ? Is it being taken for granted and being a people pleaser and wanting to keep the peace ? Those were things I had to change or try too and it's not easy.

I don't care so much about specific times/days.
But a consistent T is totally vital imo. there's no way I could come to a place of healthy attachment if my T wasn't reliable enough in her reactions towards me. There still is plenty emotional chaos - coming from my side

A consistent T can feel scary to me a lot of the times. Inconsistency and emotional chaos feel much more familiar to me. But deep down I know that emotional consistency and reliability is the road towards wellbeing for me.

Exactly how I feel.

I see my T weekly on a consistent basis but the day and time are not so important to me. However, i couldn't deal with a T with an inconsistent personality or therapy style....it would cause a lot of anxiety, confusion and distrust.

I have a consistent day and time each week for therapy. I love it. But, then again, I'm a person who craves consistency, schedules, organization, routines, rituals, etc. (to the extent possible, of course). It's where I find safety, peace, and refuge. I try to balance this by keeping in mind that that life, at its best, is unpredictable so if my therapy can remain the same each week, then that's a bonus for me.

my T is thinking about changing his work days this new year. he works tues-sat now, but he told me he wants to change to sun-thurs. this will mean my appointments will fall on sundays and wednesdays. i am so used to tuesdays and saturdays. i told him ok, i mean i cant make him not do it. i hope its not a big deal to me.

as far as his demeanor towards me, its usually pretty consistent. the inconsistency i experience is mostly created in my own mind... my skewed perceptions of him, etc... i try to check them out with him and hes good about giving me the reality checks. the problem lies in whether i believe him or not

I never thought about consistency and how it could affect me until I experienced it with my last therapist. Not even the same day/same time standing appointments... for a good while they were all over the place and we always booked them at the end of every session, but then he gave me a specific time slot and I figured I liked it better that way. But much more than the meeting times, I really appreciated the consistency and predictability in his communication style, reactions and boundaries. My first T had awful inconsistencies in his behavior... I always had a same time/same day appt with that T but his style was all over the map and it drove me nuts. I developed the intense negative transference reaction to that T because his chaotic, insecure style and twisted, superficial attempts to "nurture" me reminded me of my mother (and other similar people) a lot. My reaction was also similar: I lost all respect for him and left. No desire to "work it out" even though the T kept insisting what I was doing was wrong and I would repeat it later if I did not work through it with him. Well, that prediction has not come true so far and I am very glad I left it at that and found a wonderful therapist who was a good fit. So I think I learned a lot from that negative vibe but I don't think it would have done me any good to dive into it further, what would be the application? I'd already thought through my mother and some resentments I had about her years prior. Does not mean I will not react negatively to someone causing me similar frustration, while expecting benefit from me, in the future. I will never allow anyone to do that long... that I am more than happy to repeat

So what I can conclude from my experience is that, for me, the real benefit was from the behavioral/interpersonal consistency and reliability and not so much from the meeting times (although I liked the latter as well). I actually picked up quite a few things from my last T's style to use in my own communications with people, especially the work-related ones. I am no longer seeing the T but his relaxed (meaning not rigid, very engaged) professionalism remains a great model for me, something that I feel I can apply as his style was something I easily identified with and respected.

I always thought that as long as I knew ahead of time the sessions didn't need to be same day/same time type of thing until we switched from M-W to W-F due to all the holidays on Mondays through Dec-Jan. I am a person of routines and rituals; however, I can create new ones as life changes. What has been most important to me is to have realistic expectations presented. So if x was said to happen then as long as x happened as agreed, I'm usually pretty good. I can "accept" changes to x if something comes up from the stand point of knowing I don't control the world. I don't accept the changes in the sense that they cause a great amount of internal turmoil for me.

So - we had been M-W for about 4 months prior to the change. I struggled really hard with the change and still can not wait to get back to the M-W schedule. I'm not sure if it is that seeing t on Mondays is more helpful for me than seeing her on Fridays or what. I was really surprised on how much it affected me. I guess I'll see how I feel when I don't see her on Friday's anymore and we've switched back to M-W.

Oh and t was the one that suggested setting the schedule to M-W same time of the day on both days. When I asked her about that, she said that there wasn't any particular reason other than to make it easier to remember.

I agree with many of the other people about needing t's behavior to be consistent and when it is off even a little I notice. Like Junk, I wonder if that offness is caused by my perceptions or if something is different in what supports she is trying with me. I also notice changes in the room, the way t is dressing, the flow of how I am called back from the waiting room, .... Most of these things are just things I notice/take note of and do not really affect me. I have/had created a bond with some of the objects/space of her office space (one that is a shared space in a clinic). We know she will be moving in July into private practice and we have already had some discussions about what that will mean for me.

My t has been great at respecting and acknowledging that all of these things play a role in our relationship. Mostly, I think she is just being supportive of my neuroses, regardless it is nice to hear her verbalize the respect of and give space to my needs around these things.

Mona, I so wouldn't be able to work with your t for many reasons - that doesn't mean she isn't working for you or hasn't worked for you on some issues but not working for you on others.

I have had reasonable consistency in day and time. Not a huge deal to me, but it does make things a bit easier for my schedule.
The first one is not consistent at all in demeanor, approach and personality. In fact, she is one of the least consistent people I have ever met -saying one thing one week and a complete opposite the next.
The second one is somewhat better than the first in those areas.

I am coming to the awful realisation that she cant or wont meet a lot of my needs, I am sure which it is. One of my basic needs with her is no judgement and secure attachment but I honestly dont think she is able to provide that with anyone. Her relationship with her husband has been very insecure and they have separated and got back together so many times.
I can really relate to having no consistency, the only thing I was sure of was a beating from my mother, verbally or physically. This has been a consistent theme through my therapy, my mistrust of females. I feel like my t avoids this a lot. Sometimes I just wish she would work with me and not against me.

I have suspected this too, disorganised, inconsistent, incompetent, the list is endless. As I am changing and growing I am moving away from unhealthy people and moving towards the healthier.

My T is very consistent and has serious boundaries. My appointment day and time has not changed since we set it at start (with the exception of a 10 minute change about 8 months ago, just to fit it better between his sessions before and after with time between. Giving a time buffer for him and me). He has said from the beginning "I always start on time, and I always end on time," which is pretty much true. I have left a few minutes early a few times, and he has been a minute or two late opening the door a few times, but that gives us some feelings to talk about and is never intentional on his end.

My T is always the same T, even when I am not the same me. It took me a long time to realize that no matter what I do, he is going to be the same calm, strong, and compassionate T. This has really helped me work through my negative transference and learn how to feel safe. So, in answer to your question, yes - in consistency there is safety. As our attachment relationship grows I feel more and more safe with him. I know he is going to do what he says he's going to do. I know he will be what he has been. This has been a gift beyond words to me.

Day/time never mattered much to me. I could deal with those changes (particularly since I honestly had no other way to go about it with my own crazy schedule). But my T was always very consistent in demeanor, approach, message, etc. which for me is really what is important. Life doesn't happen on a set schedule, but the people in our lives should be fairly predictable and reliable (not 100%, but even their changes are generally fairly predictable and understandable so they don't throw us). Your therapist seems very inconsistent in the areas that really matter to that sense of stability and safety in interaction. That would be something that would quickly rule out a therapist for me.

Thank you for pointing this out because at times I have felt like it was a abusive but I could never put a name to it or explain what was going on. I always blamed myself. I often was so very confused by my therapy and left in a frenzied state afterwards, left holding all of these emotions on my own. there was never really any processing of my feelings or grounding me before I left. Often my t would shout at me when I was dissociating. I have since learned that this is not safe or very helpful to the client.
I think were the healing comes in is that you learn a new way of relating by repeating the past so many times that it becomes so painful you just cant do it to yourself anymore. I used to be a people pleaser and at times I still am, once my t accused me off being sickeningly sweet. She encourages me to be more real with her. Its hard because when I do show my anger towards her or others, she accuses me of whining, so its a no win situation.

there is plenty of emotional chaos coming from me too. Sometimes I am very chatty and other times I sit there and say nothing.

It causes all of the above and thank you for naming these feelings that are familiar but didn't have names yet.

Life is unpredictable but its easier when we are surrounded by predictable people, do you agree?

this sounds like a very hard and frustrating place to be in Junk. Having your ts assurance and his ability to reality check and not take it personally or react. Does his reliability and consistency make your therapy feel safer?

There is a huge difference in behavioural/interpersonal consistency and reliability. I hadnt even thought about this. Even if we took the time/day issue and fixed that, there would still be all of the inconsistencies with my ts behaviour and personality. I think we are working through some reenactments with each other. We both know its not working and yet we stay. I really do agree with your post in that we learn lessons from every t, whether the experience with them is positive or negative. I have learned lots from my t, it hasnt all been bad. She has thought me a lot about professionalism and confidentiality. She is not the best at certain subjects I bring to her and she is definitely closed off when it comes to my attachment to her and this is so fundamental to who I am. Maybe our differences are too big.

I see my T the same time every week, the same day (except for holiday weeks, which throws me). My T is very consistent with who he is in therapy. He is kind, empathic, knowledgeable, calm, and validating. This has helped me make progress and to be calm irl. I still have a long way to go, it feels like.

I'm so sorry you continue to have difficulty with your T. Before this T, I had a T who had his own issues concerning attachment and it halted my progress. I know he wanted to help (except at the end), but I stayed knowing that what he was doing wasn't helping me and in fact, harmed me. It takes a strong person to realize what's going on, I know how painful it is. Take care and keep us posted.

This is a good thing.

And yes, I need consistency. I do like same day/time, but even if it was variable, really what I truly need is for my T's behavior/demeanor to be consistent. My mother was unpredictable through most of my childhood, and not being able to know what mood she could be in left me in fear often.

My T is pretty much exactly the same each week. She is kind and calm and curious, but non-judgemental. She has made mistakes (and one would be that she never called me back or e-mailed after I called her upset Thurs night), but she recognizes them and apologizes. More importantly, she tries not to do it again.

That is good therapy. I think you've known for awhile now that you are not in good therapy; in fact you are in an abusive situation, which I hate seeing. I hope you are strong enough to walk away from this T.

Current and former therapists place tremendous importance on having the same time/day each and every week.

I'm not sure what your history/background is, but a therapist who doesn't do this with a trauma client raises huge red flags. Wait-aren't you a therapist in training? Was this not covered in your training?

It makes a huge difference. Without it, there's a sort of chaos that I can't explain. I've always had consistent appointments, but have noticed that sense of chaos when my appt had to be cancelled or rearranged.

Also, when I'm having flashbacks or general distress that reaches severe levels, just scheduling the extra appointment with my therapist calms me down greatly; knowing I will see him in a day or two, that he's there for me.

I wouldn't settle for anything less than a consistent day and time every week, that's for sure.

Need to add: my need for this goes back to pre-verbal trauma, I think, where it felt like I'd die or the world would end if no one was there. I think for people using therapy for general support, not having a consistent day/time isn't a big deal.

Also adding: just read some of the replies. I'm an inconsistent person myself in many ways, so this need doesn't come from my need for organization or rituals, etc., but it also serves to contain me. I see you've had trauma too-you might be missing that containment effect, for one.

I have the same time slot every week and it has become really important to me. When I have hard times, I tell myself, I just have to make it to [that day & time].

T is generally consistent in his behavior towards me. Occasionally he will seem different to me but the next sesssion it is back to normal. That is also important to me.

I hear you! i would love consistency also. my therapist and i live on opposite sides of the world AND we are both ridiculously busy. So we do not have set days or times for therapy. When one of us has the time to talk, we might text or email the other one or just call on the chance that the other has time. Sessions might be three times a week or once every couple of weeks. They might be in the afternoon, they might be early in the morning, they might be at 2 a.m. Just never know.
i am grateful for anything my t can give. but yes, consistency SURE would be helpful. i wish our situations allowed for consistency.

Hi there Mona
Consistency is extremely important to me in my therapy . I go to my session the same day at the same time each week. That's not to say I'm not flexible, I am. Sometimes I have trainings or something work/ personal related or my therapist may have to cancel a session ( she always does this at least two weeks in advance). But otherwise we meet at the same time/day. It would be anxiety producing for me if we had to change the time and day around each week. I am pretty much the same way outside of therapy but I'm flexible within reason.

That's not therapy. How can you internalise chaos and expect to get something from it?
Maybe it's me. But why would anyone stay with a toxic T?

Well, why do so many people, as obvious on this forum?