What if you told your therapist...

What if you told your therapist that you loved him/her?

I feel very close to my therapist, as close as I've ever felt to another human. I love him. Not in an unhealthy way, like I want to marry him or have an outside relationship or anything. But I feel a profound connection and realize I feel love toward him. I'm OK with that and know it is part of the therapeutic relationship and can be used for great progress in my therapy and journey toward healing.

For those of you who feel love toward your therapist, on some level, how do you think they would react if you told them? Or how did they react if you already have?

I think if I told my T I loved him, he would accept it, and understand the strong sense of connection and trust and caring behind my words. I don't think he'd be freaked out by it. I think he would trust my understanding of our relationship, and he might even say back that he loved me too, because he knows I wouldn't misinterpret it. If he didn't say anything reciprocal, I think he would still accept it and just pull his chair close, look at me in that really connected way he has, and simply say "thank you."

Anyway, that's my prediction for my T. Not that I'm about to try it out or anything....

How would your T react?

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sunrise said:
What if you told your therapist that you loved him/her?

How would your T react?

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How would he/she react if you told T how much you needed love and affection? How about if you realized how much you needed it?

Hi Sunny,

T and I have danced around this without using the L word.

I have told him how deeply attached I am to him. He has said that he is touched by my feelings and holds them close.

i think he would be okay with it. not that i would ever tell him lol. well... i might by email but now he seems to not really want me to email him so i guess he will never know.

but i think he would be okay with it, yeah.

i did some reading on erotic transference... some therapists think that erotic transference is necessary. if it doesn't happen then the therapist and client aren't a good fit. because it should just kind of evolve in that way.

but still. i won't tell him.

i fell in love with my T the very first minute we met, but it took me 3 years before i could actually say it... at the end of a particularly close and comforting session, i stood up to leave, opened the door but couldn’t seem to walk away... i stumbled over my words... and she just looked at me with those kind eyes, and said “say what you want to say”...

so i took a deep breath... looked her directly in the eye (which is such a rarity for me anyway!), and i said... “i love you”...

and she smiled... it was the most powerful moment of connection with her i have ever had... ever had with anybody probably... it felt so right to say it... and she made it feel more than ok to say it...

she said... “i think there is a lot of love in this room”... but with her eyes she said so much more... it was the most amazing feeling... and something i feel brought us closer together...

for me it felt like opening up a whole new level of trust... to be able to say that and feel safe in doing so was such a valuable experience for me... and it is a memory i will cherish forever i am sure...

Darrrrn it, I was so excited thinking, "Ohhh yeah, Sunny's gonna try this one out, then she'll let us know how it goes... then we can all decide if we should tell our Ts if we love them...." and then I came to this:

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sunrise said:
Not that I'm about to try it out or anything....

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Hehehehe

This is a really interesting topic. I'm not sure if I love my T. I really don't know. I would like to say that I do, but at this point the relationship is too dominated by a mess of other stuff-- the transference, the crazy attachment, the need, the intense fear of abandonment-- to figure out if there is love there, too.

So obviously I would never tell him "I love you" at this point, when I don't even know if I do. Then would I talk to him about what I just said above?

Hell no.

It's a shame, really. Because I can clearly see the pattern. I have talked to him a couple times about my love for my husband-- and how at times my love for him can seem jaded by feelings similar to that of my T-- how I wish I could just relax and love-- but there is so much need and fear and push and pull going on for me that sometimes I feel like I can't. So it's a shame because I'm sure it would be beneficial to talk about the consistencies there in regards to my feelings towards my husband and towards T..... but as usual, I am mortified and scared.

My fear of rejection is so great that to answer this question:

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How do you think your T would react?

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I would have to say that I couldn't tell him because I'd be too afraid of either being completely rejected or driving him away. And that consciously lets me know how bad that fear is... because I know how accepting my T is.... but I am still scared to death that something will push him over the edge and that will be it.

Nikki2000,

What a wonderful experience for you! I love your T's resplonse to you and the courage it took for you to say what you wanted to say. It touched my heart to read it. Thank you so much for sharing it.

I have been seeing my T for a couple of years and am really attached to him. I mostly think of him as a friend or father figure. I have told him this and he let me know that therapy will not end until I feel ready. He told me that there will come a time when my feelings won't be so intense. Of course, it doesn't stop me from worrying about not being able to see him.

Interestingly, in a session about 5 months ago, he asked me what my life would be like when I got to the point that I never had to see him again (he was trying to set goals). This statement terrified me, and for about 3 weeks after this my attachment went from thinking of him only as a friend/father figure to thinking of him as a boyfriend. It was soooo difficult, but I did tell him this. I told him that after the statement he made about me never seeing him again that I started to feel attracted to him. I said that these feelings terrified me both because I have a husband who I love (oh, the guilt) and that I was worried because my feelings were so strong that I feared I would become a stalker (T said that the people who worry about doing things like this are the least likely to do them).

He told me that he was flattered that I was attracted to him. He explained transference and said that this was something that we would work through to see what I was missing in my life. He told me that he was so impressed at my courage to tell him something that must have been so difficult.

I had been seeing him every other week but wanted to start going every week. I thought that he would say that this wasn't a good idea, but he was totally okay with it! He was very understanding and after a few weeks, the erotic transference dissipated. I still have the intense attachment and at this time doubt if I will ever be okay with not seeing him again.

Good luck to you!

Interesting that when there is the idea of not seeing them again that the attachment gets stronger. I don't feel love towards my T and we're starting to work on the feelings in our relationship instead of outside stuff which she hasn't done before so maybe it will come up. I think if I did, she'd accept it and we'd probably work through it - not that it is something that needs to be gotten rid of. Now the pdoc, who is not a therapist and not trained in these things, would freak out and I do love him. I'm afraid to even say so casually. I risked and told my T in an email that I loved him in a grateful kind of way and I'm wondering if it will come up this week in therapy. It should - I really need to work it out, but I'm too chicken to bring it up in session. I know pdoc would worry because he worries any time something seems to get personal in an obvious way. Interesting that he only keys in when it's more overt. I'll never figure it out. (rolls eyes)

How I've communicated my feelings for my T is when we connect and I feel protected (like the last session with my mom) I tell him what I just typed above.

I tell him when what we talk about impacts me positive or negative. I do love him in the sense that I feel these other feelings. For me, that is huge. I'm a feel it to believe it person.

I feel that he is showing me love (not romantic love), protection, understanding, caring etc.

He did say one session, that the fact that I can feel the way I do towards him, means that I can feel those feelings with someone else outside of the therapy room.

So maybe instead of focusing on whether or not we love out T's, because that can mean so many things to each one of us, we should identify what individual feelings we are developing...

Just a thought

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the fact that I can feel the way I do towards him, means that I can feel those feelings with someone else outside of the therapy room.

So maybe instead of focusing on whether or not we love out T's, because that can mean so many things to each one of us, we should identify what individual feelings we are developing...

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This is the first time I really understood why transference can be therapeutic. Thanks for posting what your T said. I think I can understand now that by developing trust in our T's and then experiencing strong feelings toward him/her (anger, love, trust, friendship, attachment... whatever) it can show us we're capable of those feelings towards others. Then we can practice how to deal with all those different emotions. I don't think I love or completely trust my T yet and I'm definately not doing well with those things outside of therapy either, so i need to think about what you posted some more.

Good post almeda24fan. I also like this thought:
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So maybe instead of focusing on whether or not we love out T's, because that can mean so many things to each one of us, we should identify what individual feelings we are developing...

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So what am I developing? Trust, hope, the ability to express myself, an understanding about what relationships are like, the relief that arguements don't destroy everything. It's a new way to look at things. I'll be thinking about this.

So many great comments here. It warms me to hear how well some of your therapists have responded to your feelings of attachment and affection. Therapists can really say and do the most amazing things.

Nikki, thanks for sharing your wonderful story. What a moment for you and your T.

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alexandra_k said:
i did some reading on erotic transference... some therapists think that erotic transference is necessary. if it doesn't happen then the therapist and client aren't a good fit

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I don't think I have erotic transference with my T, but we have a very strong bond that is therapeutic, and we are a great fit. I feel my love toward him is very platonic (and can I say "pure"?). I did feel a phase of really, really intense attachment to him in our early therapy, but I have passed through that to something more comfortable, stable, and secure. I've become comfortable with the high degree of trust I have for him, and that enabled me to trust him even more.

almedafan, those are good thoughts. I feel my experience in therapy has indeed affected my outside relationships in a positive way (e.g. my relationship with my mom is better than it has ever been at any time in my life). For one thing, the fact that I let myself trust my T so absolutely gives me hope I could do this again someday in a love relationship, and this is a hard thing to come to when you are in the midst of breaking up a 20 year marriage due to betrayal after betrayal. So the trust I've found and expressed in therapy has been nothing short of an amazing accomplishment and given me hope for my emotional future. Therapy can be really amazing.

Again, I've told my T in email and the feelings were returned
I will find out how she reacts to me verbally saying it when she returns my call Tuesday...

After seeing my therapist for a couple of years I knew that different parts of me loved him in different ways. I was so embarrassed to be a therapy cliche but I'd promised myself when I committed to this process that I would be as honest as possible with him about my feelings.

I will never forget that session. It was raining and since I was struggling to put into words a lot of conflicting feelings, it was quiet a lot. So we could hear the rain coming down. I think I said I needed to confess something - and then said I didn't mean to...and then said I was mortified...and then said that I knew it was presumptuous...but among all the mixed up intense feelings I had for him there was love. Not just little kid attachment (which is very strong) but love in a deep, almost spiritual way. It was separate from the occasional erotic thoughts. It was special and fragile and I'd never felt like this about anyone. And I felt really bad because he was married and I was married - so it felt wrong and I was sure he heard it all the time from patients but still - it was hard for me...blah, blah, blah.

He finally stopped me and very gently said that he didn't hear this very often and it was very touching and flattering and he was honored by my feelings. He said this was the place were all feelings were Ok and we could talk about them and see what they meant.

I started to cry and he very quietly asked me what the tears were about. I said I had been so worried he'd be mad or disgusted. He shook his head. And then I said, "but it is still wrong." He shook his head again. "Why do you think your loving feelings for me are wrong?" It was raining really hard right then and I sort of whispered, "because you aren't mine to love." And he answered, "but I'm here. And in this space I am."

We've now worked together over 4 years and I still love him. It is a little hard to post this because I can see where people might get worried about boundaries, etc. Nothing unethical has ever happened in my therapy. But I hold this moment in my heart as evidence that I can really love someone and they won't use that love to hurt me with. It was an amazing moment.

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But I hold this moment in my heart as evidence that I can really love someone and they won't use that love to hurt me with.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Wonderful! This is what good therapy is all about!

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MsLittleSister said:
He finally stopped me and very gently said that he didn't hear this very often and it was very touching and flattering and he was honored by my feelings. He said this was the place were all feelings were Ok and we could talk about them and see what they meant.

I started to cry and he very quietly asked me what the tears were about. I said I had been so worried he'd be mad or disgusted. He shook his head. And then I said, "but it is still wrong." He shook his head again. "Why do you think your loving feelings for me are wrong?" It was raining really hard right then and I sort of whispered, "because you aren't mine to love." And he answered, "but I'm here. And in this space I am."

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Your story is so beautiful, MsLittleSister. I especially liked your therapist's response. Thank you for sharing.

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MsLittleSister said:
love in a deep, almost spiritual way

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That is how I feel about my T too.

Wow. I've never felt anything close to this toward a therapist, and I've had therapy off and on for years. Am I a freak?

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MsLittleSister said:
After seeing my therapist for a couple of years I knew that different parts of me loved him in different ways. I was so embarrassed to be a therapy cliche but I'd promised myself when I committed to this process that I would be as honest as possible with him about my feelings.

I will never forget that session. It was raining and since I was struggling to put into words a lot of conflicting feelings, it was quiet a lot. So we could hear the rain coming down. I think I said I needed to confess something - and then said I didn't mean to...and then said I was mortified...and then said that I knew it was presumptuous...but among all the mixed up intense feelings I had for him there was love. Not just little kid attachment (which is very strong) but love in a deep, almost spiritual way. It was separate from the occasional erotic thoughts. It was special and fragile and I'd never felt like this about anyone. And I felt really bad because he was married and I was married - so it felt wrong and I was sure he heard it all the time from patients but still - it was hard for me...blah, blah, blah.

He finally stopped me and very gently said that he didn't hear this very often and it was very touching and flattering and he was honored by my feelings. He said this was the place were all feelings were Ok and we could talk about them and see what they meant.

I started to cry and he very quietly asked me what the tears were about. I said I had been so worried he'd be mad or disgusted. He shook his head. And then I said, "but it is still wrong." He shook his head again. "Why do you think your loving feelings for me are wrong?" It was raining really hard right then and I sort of whispered, "because you aren't mine to love." And he answered, "but I'm here. And in this space I am."

We've now worked together over 4 years and I still love him. It is a little hard to post this because I can see where people might get worried about boundaries, etc. Nothing unethical has ever happened in my therapy. But I hold this moment in my heart as evidence that I can really love someone and they won't use that love to hurt me with. It was an amazing moment.

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I think I love you for posting this, lol.

So beautiful. And so similar to the feelings I have towards my therapist. I think that for me, all the mixed up intense feelings and all the different parts of me needing him in different ways makes it really hard to find genuine love.

I have told my T I love him, about five months ago. The very first thing he said was, "Wow," in this really warm voice - I kind of just blurted it out of the blue not connected to anything and I think it caught him a little off guard. Then he said thank you and asked me how it felt to say that, that he was honored to hear it. Clarified what the love was, that it was totally paternal-child love (I don't think he thought it might be sexual, but he asked if there was anything else there). And we had a whole big discussion that felt wonderful.

And then at the end of the session he said, "I don't know if I should say this or not, I've been debating, but I decided that if I kept it to myself, that's not how we've been with each other, we're trying to keep things open here. I have loving feelings for you too, and I feel like I need to clarify, it's not at all sexual, although it's not because I don't think you're pretty or anything, because you are, but it's more like a father-daughter or brother-sister kind of love."

It was kind of funny how he stepped all over himself trying to clarify when I knew exactly what kind of love he meant. And he asked if it was better to hear that or should he have kept it to himself. And it was a wonderful moment in my therapy. It sounds like your T would respond wonderfully as well.

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sunrise said:
Therapists can really say and do the most amazing things.

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How about what my first therapist said to me many years ago: "I have never been treated so badly by anyone in my entire life!"

Amazing, yes. Cuddly, no.

It still affects me.

Pachyderm --

What a horrible thing to have in your memory. I can't imagine getting over that.

At the end of a particulary grueling session a long time ago, my therapist said he loved me. I almost fell out of my chair. He used all of the proper disclaimers and said, "This is a risk, but . . ." He made it sound almost spiritual. I was so shocked that I forgot to return the sentiment which I corrected later.

It was very memorable and has carried me through many rough patches.