Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

So t I know I said I wasn't going to bug you again after the 2nd email yesterday. But a poem came this afternoon and I had to send it. It wouldn't wait. It expresses better how I feel than I was able to yesterday and includes how I feel after yesterday. I'd be a real mess if I didn't have my poetic voice. I'm not all that angry anymore. I'm just feeling hurt and I expressed the hurt in my poem. I hope you read it soon and I hope you say something meaningful in response. Writing the poem really solidified for me that I just need to figure out what I want - what Art wants - not counting anyone else. What does Art want?! That is the million billion gazillion dollar question.

You freak me out

Dear T,

I am doing this drawing for you, but right at this moment I am not sure that I want to give it to you. I don't know how I feel about any of this at the moment.

I think it is just a) taking so very long to draw that it seems a waste of my time to give it to you and b) turning out quite well and so I don't want to give it away.

Last week I really wanted to give it to you because it would have been something nice to do, as a reminder for you of your holiday and of me, but these last couple of days I have been thinking that I have quite possibly ruined your holiday anyway, by telling you that I might struggle while you are away, by struggling last time.

But then, I don't think I have any 'power' over you in that way. As in, how I am probably makes no difference whatsoever to your life, outside of the therapy room. That is good, in a way, because you need to be you, without me, so that you can be you, with me. That makes a lot of sense to me but I am not sure that you will understand that in any way whatsoever. It is things like that which you just do not seem to get. There is quite a lot which you do not seem to get.

Oh dear, where are we going with this. This morning I woke up thinking I was done with therapy all together. Thinking that things are actually going pretty well without it, without you. I am not sure I want you to come back anymore.

(PS. That does not mean that I want anything to happen to you. I want you to be OK, I just needed to clarify that.)

This is probably good fodder for the letter, I suppose.

Today felt so off. I feel really low. I wish that the subject of moving offices and joining a practice did not come up the way it did. If I need to schedule or contact you does that now mean I'll have to go through a receptionist ? I hope not. I didn't ask for a hug today and you didn't offer which should be fine. Shouldn't be an all the time thing right? I want it to be but that isn't reasonable. I felt your stress over the water damage to your office. I like hearing about your personal life but I get jealous too. The changes to your look are nice but unsettling. Even longer hair and a goatee. Biker t was a nice touch but casual even for you. I guess I don't like change. You have been my grounding point during the week and I don't get that this time. I felt the rare disconnect.

Growlycat, I'm sorry about the move. Change like that can be really stressful. It helps when the therapist understands and answers every single question about what it will look like and how things will function. In my case, my therapist was really unhappy about the move--something she hid fairly well. I didn't know until several months later that she thought it would be a disaster. Which might explain why she wasn't all that sympathetic to my distress, although she did answer all questions and told me to go ahead and check it out on my own.

Thank you for this. My driving phobia makes it hard to drive outside my comfort zone. He offered to drive there and have me follow. I mean this isn't even happening until December. He doesn't even have the new office yet. It just happened to come out accidentally in conversation.

Dear T,

I'm confused about how I feel about seeing you on Wednesday.

t - I hope you are ok that I emailed you. I want a reply tonight, I hope I can sit with no reply until Monday. I did try to not email you. I was not successful, I hope you understand. - me

Dear 2, 3, Smaug,

TW - animal abuse


Oversensitive, maybe. But that's the state you all left me in.

ATAT

T, I'm tired of coming back around to the same things. I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't know what you want from me. Or what i want of myself. I feel like I'm doing this all wrong. I feel like i have lost you.

Teeeeeee watcha doing?

T,

Hope you're doing ok. Now that you're away I can't stop thinking that I should just quit therapy. I don't need it. I survive without you...

Why is this so confusing?

From T:

"Sometimes it is the connection that counts and the mutual exploration of issues that are important to you that counts. Sometimes we get want we want in different ways than we would ideally have gotten what we need in our lives.

I hope you will continue to come to therapy because you want to and because it benefits you. I will look forward to seeing you in a couple days."

T,
I hate group. The T is so full of herself. I asked her "What if I fail?" She said "You won't because I'm here". WTF! What made her so damn special that she can change me?

Please let me quit! Please! I fail at this social stuff. I know DBT groups are hard to find, but this woman annoys me.

Oh! And the hugs... I love hugs...from people I care about. WTH does she keep hugging me?! Blah!

I had a really adult moment today where i felt no attachment to you at all and just felt like i always used to feel towards you before the attachment came along. That I just like you and respect you as a practitioner and am happy to have met you. Not that i need you or want to see you, or want to be parented by you. Just that you are a nice person who I learn a lot from. I like that feeling. It feels easier. I feel like it's a glimpse of how I will feel again when our work together is done.

T - it's Mothers day and I'm not feeling anything...or am I ? Is there a dam there that might burst ? I think I should be nice to myself , that might help.

I want to say "you're killing me" "you're driving me crazy" "what have you done to me?"... but that's not true, is it? That's not fair.

It's all me. I'm doing this to myself.

Hi Dr S, I realized this morning, the more I am in pain (physical or emotional) the more I miss and need you. Well, duh, of course that makes sense. You have become a care taker to the part of me that still needs that level of care. I guess step one is learning and accepting that I still need that from time to time. I might be getting closer to accepting that it is ok to ask for it and receive it.

When I think about meeting on Monday for a few minutes, I see us walking along the bridge, holding hands...I am so little. I am the little boy and you are the mommy.

I love you, you are a good/attentive mommy. Thank you for being open and willing to be there with me on this journey.

-me

T, I am feeling ever so confused this morning. I am fighting the feelings... fighting them tooth and nail because I don't want to be so painfully attached to you ever again but I can feel it wanting to creep back in. Damn it all to hell!! Why can't I just work through this crap once and for ****ing all?? I see what's happening clear as day though. I do. You were speaking from that "channeling my mother" place on Friday, and I became 15 in my mind again, 15 after grandma died and I can't run to her anymore to get away from my mother. When you 'become' my mother it is such a total mind-****, t, because I also 'use' you as my grandmother, **** transference, **** it all, because you can't "be" both of them simultaneously. I am so stupid, t. Maybe you knew this was going to happen and that's why you wanted me to come Wednesday. After I made such a big stink about not coming back so soon, I can't even let myself call and ask. Goddess, I hate this!! I want this crap done and over with!! This is so hard!!!! I hate you and I love you and I never want to see you again and I want to camp out in your office for the next week and have you all the time! Gah!!! Picture me with my head hanging down, sheepishly peeking at you through my hair, barely whispering "Please, I want to come on Wednesday, you were right."

Damn it.

Thank you for your calm presence

Dear T,

Depressed still, but I feel like a real piece of **** after today.

Started off the morning by listening to a song I liked -- a happy song, might i add -- and then I kept clicking the "related videos". After about 15 "related videos" later, I somehow (?) ended up watching videos about a girl who had bacterial meningitis and lost all of her limbs at the age of 19. She was permanently scarred from all the "burns" that the meningitis caused, too.

It made me feel like ****. Like, I was all depressed and **** and feeling sorry for myself. Then after watching her video, I was like, "wow, i'm a real piece of ****."

Then I was like, "Nah, I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I have a mental illness." But of course, I somehow started watching videos about severe forms of different mental illnesses who were permanently disabled and severely suffering. (It started off where I was watching a video about BIID, which is a disorder that leads to a healthy person wanting to amputate a limb or somehow disable themselves. So yeah, I went from the girl who was a quad amputee to BIID amputation videos to people with severe mental illnesses.)

I was like, "Well, ****... I'm a REAL piece of **** now."

WHAT THE ****.

tl;dr - don't EVER watch YouTube when you're depressed

Dear Dr S, I am sad that we cannot meet up tomorrow. I understand. I am not devastated and I don't need it. I want it and am sad not to see you. Wednesday seems so far away. I won't email you today. I will tomorrow after my post-op appointment.

I wish you would email me. I know you won't. It hurts some knowing that you will keep this boundary. Is it comforting to know that you will keep this boundary or is it only sad?

love,
me

im sorry i freaked out and left. believe me, i know it's weird. i know they think im weird. i cant explain it to them and i wont come back... i just cant anymore ... do you know, though? do you understand wtf is happening to me? i dont

I'm so sorry, t.

Art - you have done nothing you need to apologize for, imo.