I had my session yesterday. For almost the session I spoke about myself as though I was talking about someone else. I could connect no feeling to what I was talking about... until about 15 minutes before the session ended when I could stand the ambivalance and the numbness no more... and my mind became flooded with images of self-harm. T told me, "Describe the images to me so I can feel them, too." So I did that. Then I asked him, "How do I go home and not doing these things to myself?" He told me that when I go home it would be very, very important to hold my husband. And he said, "I know you want very, very much to be held. So hold onto him. And when you hold him, it's okay to be holding on to anyone else." (I am assuming he is talking about himself because he knows how very much I want him to hold me.) Then he made me smile. He said, "Just try this. And if it doesn't work, you can call me and tell me what an %#@&#! I am."

So now I will get to the part that explains the title of this post. Last night as I was laying in bed, something weird happened. It wasn't really a fantasy because I didn't consciously make it up. But it wasn't really a dream either, because I wasn't sleeping. Anyway, so I'm in bed and all of a sudden I had this image of T just coming over to me while I'm laying there, tucking a stuffed animal in my arms, pulling the blanket over me, and then just sitting in a chair across the room and reading to himself while I fall asleep. And I felt so comforted as I thought about this. It sort of felt real. What the hell was going on? Furthermore, I suppose I have to tell him about this... and of course I'm embarrased by it because of the little kid stuff...

[Izzyparker]

I don't think your fantasy of your t tucking you into bed at night is weird one bit. It's actually very sweet. It tells me how nutured you feel by your t and that is a good thing, don't you think?

I harbor similar images surrounding my therapist. Whether she is hugging me, reassuring me or telling me something, I know this isn't really happening, I'm just talking to her as if she is with me. And she is, in spirit. So I can soothe myself. I think when you are in therapy long enough, one can create total conversations as if they were there. I have shared my "conversations" with my t. "So, what did we talk about?" She laughs often when I capture the essence of her style of communicating.

[Mouse_]

Pinksoil, I've experience similar "holding" fantasys with T...its all normal stuff..its just our shame that says we're wrong or stupid...but thats how we've always felt growing up.

wow. you are brave for talking to him about this stuff. i tell my therapist little teeny tiny bits by way of email. often ambiguously concealed in poetry. not really ftf though. you are brave.

i'm working up to telling my therapist... that i feel very small and alone when he needs to miss a session. that of course i KNOW that it is understandable. and of course i KNOW that it is perfectly reasonable that he does that. but little kid feelings and i feel small. and sad. and hurt. and embarrassed, of course.

shh. don't tell anyone... but i imagine my t holding me sometimes. in bed. but in a non-sexual way. just kinda holding me safely. mr. man used to do that. the first night he ever held me he wrapped duvet around me and held me so it was non-sexual and safe and really very nice. and then of course feelings get a little confused sometimes... but safety, yeah. i think that t should be there to tuck us in and read to us everynight :-( i do. of course i understand why it cannot be... but that doesn't help anything. not really.

[Perna]

Daydreams/fantasies are every bit as important (and helpful!) as night dreams. I enjoyed this book, written by psychoanalyst F. Diane Barth:

http://www.amazon.com/Daydreaming-Un...dp/014025031X/

[MissCharlotte]

Pinksoil,

First of all I have to say that I don't think your fantasies are weird. If I did I would have to think I was weird because I have had similar fantasies. In one of the letters I wrote to T when he was away in July, I said that I wanted him to read to my while I curled up on the couch. I gave him this letter but he never mentioned it (yet). So, it's there. He also helped me last week to realize that some of the massive anxiety I experienced was due to the fact that my husband was away on Friday night when he is usually at home, so I felt completely disconnected.

This weekend I have been sticking to hubby like glue. It's reassuring to have him at my side and T in my head. I believe it's not only good, but okay because it makes me feel safe. So, I say to you, go for it and enjoy. I even baked an apple pie yesterday, and felt so darned grounded by doing it.

((((Pinksoil)))) Be safe and surround yourself with love.

[spiritual_emergency]

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pinksoil: What the hell was going on?

For a Jungian spin... I suspect you are projecting your animus upon your therapist. The animus is your "inner male" and is comprised of the entirety of your experiences of the opposite sex. No doubt, you are projecting your positive animus upon your therapist because there are some similarities between him and your animus -- these similarities are what "hook" the projection and hold it in place. When you first fell in love with your husband, you probably projected positive aspects of your animus upon him too -- this is what made him appear to you to be the ideal life partner.

What's important to understand about that anima or animus is that it is an image that actually obscures the reality of the other person, who cannot actually live up to the projected image. Nonetheless, it's yours. You may find it helpful to continue your "fantasy" with the awareness that you are projecting. As a result, your therapist may be involved in your fantasies but you would now understand he is only the screen you are projecting your animus upon. As you continue exploring the fantasy material you may find that your animus takes on some characteristics of his own, separate from your therapist. A practice such as active imagination may allow you to enter into a direct dialogue with your animus, independant of your relationship with your therapist or husband.

See also:[*] Active Imagination[*] The Invisible Partners: How the Male and Female in Each of Us Affects Our Relationships

See, I don't think the actual content of the fantasy was weird..... I just think it was strange how it materialized... because it wasn't like I was laying there consciously thinking, "Ok-- I'm going to come up with this scenario about T to make myself feel safe..." Rather it just came over me in a manner in which it felt real, completely unconscious and unrehearsed. Never experienced anything like that before.

[ECHOES]

pink,

my little girl fantasy is like that. comes out of nowhere. and i am sitting there feeling like i am both the real time adult and the little girl. and when T comforts the little girl i feel that too. it feels sooo good.

No, you didn't conciously make it up. It came from somewhere else. I think the little kid stuff is about the need. it's a little kid need or maybe we assign that need to the little kid in us because we don't think that kind of need (being held, being comforted) is acceptable for an adult to have or want.

I don't know but those are my thoughts.

I think your fantasy is very sweet, very touching, and i can feel the warmth and safety it evokes.

[Fuzzybear]

Sorry for intruding but thanks for this post. Why would someone consciously make something like that up. SIGH.

I have consciously made up things like that before. When T was away.... I consciously made up a scenario that he was there and I was telling him things.... I tend to intellectualize quite a bit in regards to therapy.... I don't normally have "conversations" with T when he's not there or imagine different scenarios of him being with me.... I just think a lot, I process, etc. So for me, to imagine a "safe" scenario involving T is something that would take a lot of effort-- something I did consciously in the past. This was the first time when such a thing happened without my awareness of conjuring it up.

Oh, and ECHOES-- I think you are right on the mark-- I think my adult needs and little kid needs are completely separate. I separate the little kid ones, making them "unacceptable" to the adult. I don't see the needs as integrated at this point.

[sunrise]

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and of course I'm embarrased by it because of the little kid stuff...

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I find it way more embarrassing to share fantasies with my T than dreams. It's like with dreams, there is less accountability. Hey, I dreamt this, don't blame me! But with fantasies, there is a more active role for the conscious mind in constructing them, and it is hard to admit to my T that I knowingly created this fantasy about him. Like I had the fantasy about letting blood in his office (sharing pain), but it was way easier to think of telling him that as a dream (white lie). I think the content of your fantasy is very, very sweet, pinksoil. It shows lots of warm feelings for your T, lots of trust. Please don't hesitate to share it with him if you need to.

I hope you got the hugs you needed from your husband.

As to whether your "fantasy" was truly a fantasy and not a dream, could it be halfway in between? Have you heard of hypnogagic imagery? Sounds like it might be hypnogagic (or is it spelled hypnagogic?). These are the images that come to you between wakefulness and sleep, but are not fully part of either world. I get that all the time, but I know some people do not experience it much.

(sister, mmmmm, apple pie. Great idea!)

[ECHOES]

To me, there is such a fine line between fantasy and dream that it hardly matters.

Both are vehicle for the unconcious to bring to the concious interesting things to explore.

[lauren_helene]

Pink, I had something similar happen about a month or so ago. I was in a difficult crying spell and a song came on the radio 'bright sun-shiney day'.

I think I mentioned this before, the automatic image of T and I laughing and walking along a boardwalk in Jersey.

Then once or twice after, when I was more depressed than usual, this same song would be on the radio...odd

It does feel so real when the image is there and it is NOT day dreaming. I could almost feel the hot sun on the boardwalk like years back.

[Fuzzybear]

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sunrise said:
I had the fantasy about letting blood in his office (sharing pain)

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Sunny, this happened to me on Friday, but while I was in the room with him. I began to have really intense, vivid SI images and I started to visualize blood all over the cream-colored chair I was sitting in. I told him.

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I hope you got the hugs you needed from your husband.

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I did, thank you. What was interesting is that when T was instructing me to go home and hold my husband, he suddenly seemed very protective of me... as in... your husband better put down whatever it is that he is doing and hold you... it seemed very protective, the way he was talking about it.

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As to whether your "fantasy" was truly a fantasy and not a dream, could it be halfway in between?

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I brought this out in the poem I wrote. It reminded me a lot of what D.W. Winnicott talks about-- that space right in between the internal and the external psyche.

[Fuzzybear]

Sorry pink, I tend to make my posts short to try not to %#@&#! people off, but sometimes it has the opposite effect. growl at me.!

What's wrong, Fuzzy?

Nooo I'm not going to growl at you! I just wanted to make sure my post didn't upset, offend, or trigger you in any way.

[Fuzzybear]

Ugh, just got triggered by the little girl thing. I did bring my "little girl" to therapy and it sort of helped. But now I just feel completely messed up. And can't let go of some ugly names I've been called. All this is off topic and I apologize!

Your post didn't offend me, its my stuff!!! Thanks for caring

I have these little fantasies. I'm not asleep, but I'm not in control of what I'm thinking. My littles and I often picture sleeping on her couch, and she stays with me, tucks me in and holds me. She has held us when we laid down on her couch before covering us with one of her blankets, and knows we often think of her couch as our safe place. I think if we asked her if we could do it again, she'd do it in a heartbeat.

[(JD)]

Having a safe place is great! (((safe hug)))