Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

t, i tried talking with h again tonite on the way home from the show. i cried of course. he said "are you sure this therapy isn't harming you more than it's helping you?" I said well, up until this past week, it was helping me. He said well you know, it is her job to get at your issues and it seems like she has gotten to one. I told him I think it's also that I am just getting fed up to HERE with everyone else making me feel like I am wrong. He said everybody who? I said you, t, my mother, my sister, our son... he said well that is on you. You're hearing something that people aren't saying. Maybe you're not done with therapy yet.

But I want to be! Why is that so wrong? Everybody else I know in real life gets to go around being their screwed-up selves, what makes me this special snowflake that 'gets' to do this work on myself ad nauseum?!

I am in a mood tonight. And every time I think about coming to your office again and sitting there across from you I start to feel combative again. What the sam hill is going on with me?! I don't want to fight with you again! That was awful the other day!

How can I do it after all?

stuff and stuff and stuff.. ughhh

ok, this just sucks and sucks... I am in a piss poor place mentally, emotionally. It's so f**king annoying because I'm not really upset but .. I guess I would say I am blue and angry about it. I want to curl up beside you, put my head in your lap and watch TV... not the little boy, not the older boy (though he would not want to do that anyway), not the younger girl... me... the I in this whole package. They have all gone away, leaving me with just me. Wife is gone [camping], which I am glad and not glad about. And I am also angry with you, which doesn't make any of this easier.

I know what you said on Thursday was not meant to say the little boy wasn't welcome or that none of them were welcome. I feel like I've put you on egg shells because everything seems to be getting twisted in my head and I hear it in such a way to make things worse. Can you please make it stop? How do we make it stop?

Dear T,

I know you were so ready for me to "graduate" from therapy, but after almost 7 long years of it I'm still uncovering issues that need to be solved. I waited too long to reschedule my appointment, and now I feel as though I have a crisis on my hands that I can't fix, and there's another two weeks before I get to see you. I feel like I'm somehow letting you down, and I'm sorry.
I don't like opening up to anyone and you know that, but this time, I'm going to do my best to surprise you and open up as much as I can. I'm not going to sugarcoat it, I'm just going to say it like it is. I don't know how I managed to go this long without telling you about it, but I've recently gathered the courage to tell the person I trust most in my life... So I feel I should tell you, too.

Dear other T,

I'm getting really tired of the way you treat my issues. Drinking more water and sitting in the sun isn't going to help the fact that I'm struggling with trauma and bipolar that's being managed as well as it can be. I know you're a multi-level marketer but you've known me for five months at the most while the rest of my mental health team has known me for over 6 years, and you have the nerve to say that they're wrong about everything they've had me do? Yes, I've suffered because of some of the meds they've put me on, and yes, my physical health has suffered, too. But we're working that out right now, and what are you doing to help? You're telling me to drink water, sit in the sunlight and buy some of your magnet-infused water crap. I'm not liking this.
Please know that the only reason I came to see you in the first place was to get my referral for HRT, and now that I have that I do want to cut back on how often we see each other, for both of our sake. And also know that I don't intend on staying any longer than I have to after top surgery. I didn't want to talk to you about anything other than my gender dysphoria, but now I'm caught in yet another cycle of someone prying my issues out of my mouth, someone who doesn't even take me seriously this time around. I already struggle to be open with my therapist who I'm very close with and I've known for years. You said I could be comfortable around you, that you don't bite, and you haven't bitten but I sure as h*ll am NOT comfortable.

Wow porcelain boy--- t is trying to sell you crap from amway or another pyramid scheme company? Can you fire this person??

I wish I could fire her, but she's the only gender therapist near me and I need her to write my recommendation letters for surgery. There are others but they're much further away. I just wish my good therapist could write these letters, it would make life so much easier honestly.

Hi R,

Four more sleeps 'til session...I'm even more edgy about it than usual. Can't help but feel that what happened to me following last week's session is the Universe setting me up to explain all, but ****, I'm scared.

Those 8 out of 10 moments where I can't speak are agonising and frustrating by turns. I want nothing more than for this stuff to leave my brain, but that doesn't seem to be possible without being able to talk about it.

It's a crappy thing for me to email about, but I needed your support in that moment...and at least I didn't text. I could have, mind you...but I wasn't sure what I would have said.

Roll on Thursday

Dear MC,
Thanks for your e-mail. It made me cry--in a good way. Particularly the line, "Bringing something up will not lead to me, [T] or [H] leaving you." You clearly read between the lines of my e-mails about my abandonment fears, though I suppose it didn't take too much because you're already aware of them in general. (So I guess it's maybe a bit ironic that the amount of time you took to respond made me worry about abandonment...or at least abandonment of my e-mailing/texting privileges.)

Also, I did have to laugh at your line about trying not to divulge too much about yourself. I mean, I know you were referring to major emotional things like your wife's illness and passing, but self-disclosure and sharing (generally) relevant stories from your life in session is kind of your thing.

Love you,
LT

Where abouts are you, in my state any licensed MH professional can write the letters. I got one from my T (which is a PDoc) and another from LSW. Feel free to PM if you want.

Hi t. I just wanted to say that.

I so get this!! I said the exact same thing to my t! How come im so damn lucky??? Triple grrr!

I dont remember what he said. I kinda remember him looking shocked that i got angry-excited about something for a change. But i think its like, once youve eaten from the tree of knowledge, theres no going back and i know you know you wouldnt trade your brain for anything. Except for maybe the boy.

I like to think of us as job creators.

I love you

Don't wanna learn what I'll need to forget

I like studying faces in a parking lot
'Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like driving back wards in the fog
'Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

The things that i loved
Things that I've lost
Things I held sacred that I've dropped

I won't lie nor more than you can bet
Don't wanna learn what I'll need to forget.

Whenever I say this to t, she asks me if I want to go unconscious again. She asked me that during our fight last week, too. No, t. I don't want to go "back to sleep". Because you're right una, once you've eaten from this comparative 'tree of knowledge' there's no going back. Maybe I should use that analogy with t and tell her I'm not SAYING I want to go back. I'm just saying, I don't want to partake of it at this restaurant anymore.... I'm cooking at home now!

(((Artie))) I looooove extending metaphors!

Can I text you I had a nightmare and am having a hard time grounding and recovering from it? Do I just keep it to myself? I don't know anymore. Why did you have to go and ****ing change the boundary? Why? You changed it but now you're saying the stuff you used to do and I don't want to o text and be in trouble but I don't know!

S (Ex-T -- trying to be friends... failing)

Please don't just go away and unplug, leaving me not knowing if you're going to be gone for a week or a month...

Can you really not even give me that? I mean if you don't know you could always say you don't know, but why just not respond at all...

I'm wondering if you are doing things on purpose to upset me -- pushing me to throw up my hands and leave so you don't have to.

If that's what you want, I wish you'd just tell me instead of ****ing with my mind and emotions.

If you want me to leave you alone, just freaking say it. Stop pulling me in, telling me we are ok, speaking so nicely and like you used to, saying you want a phone call too, then shutting me out and leaving me in silence with shattered hopes. This is driving me insane.

So T, when you were talking about how your week was weird because is the holiday and then you said you had to take another day off last week too.. you seemed like you were going to tell me why you has to take the day off, but then you said something generic like because you had something to do. Why is that? I have never notice you filter what you say to me before.. it's just something stuck in my head.

Also, the sessions seemed rushed. And I felt so disconnected from you.

Maybe I am still upset about our latest issues.. or maybe I am pushing you away because you are about to the leave the country for two weeks. Idk..

Kashi you have been my rock. I'm sorry to rely on you so much. I've tried using other supports but they weren't there for me.

I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Loovveee that song, and those lyrics in particular. I first heard it in Love Actually, and it broke my tiny, shriveled heart.

Dear all (therapists, psychiatrists, etc.),

I've coming to realize however many of you I try out or hire, all I have is me. And I don't like me or trust me.

See the problem?

ATAT

Hey, RoboT,

I dreamt about you last night. It wasn't a disturbing dream or anything, but I wish you were here to help me make sense of it. It was nice to see you, if only through my subconscious. I miss you.

Daisy